Day 153 -- 9/28/10 -- A sucessful trial

 The visit from Matt R. originally  scheduled for early morning, was delayed until  noon,  and it was very productive in getting me well informed of where all of the  investments are so that I can recognize them when reported. He also gave me a good alternative and revised strategy for handling Lee's  life insurance that the company has been carrying on him.
The great part of the day, and the successful trial, was a trip to Clearwater to spend the afternoon with Christian, Jamie,  Allie, Bella and Spike What made it  really great was that they all took me in as a part of the household, didn't try to do anything to entertain me or do something special–I just got to hang out. I took some steak and potatoes with me so that between the three of us we prepared a really great dinner together, and had great fun demonstrating the obvious need for a dining room table.

My intent on this trip was to test the drive back over the Causeway late in the evening. I was not quite ready to drive that far in the dark, so I left about seven, got home by 7:30–and even believed it safe enough that I took a few quick pictures with my iPhone of the gorgeous  sky that we had today.  Made the trip safely, and after getting into comfortable clothes, called Jamie to tell her I was home, and also pass on a suggestion if she should be talking to her brother-in-law again soon.  The trip -- both ways -- was uneventful, the food superb, the company exquisite, and the trial more than successful.   Maybe the next time I go over,  I will push the time line a bit, and see what it is like with oncoming headlights.  But then, maybe not.

It was a good day!  This morning, I was sending a Thank You and some Sympathy Cards.  In the process, I ran across the birthday card that Margaret had chosen (to recycle) for me -- one of our traditions.  I really lost it for a few moments, recovered, and continued on the task at hand.  Didn't read all of the card, though.  I know where it is, and maybe I'll be able to read it another day.  It was a good reminder that in the midst of all the busyness I am doing right now, my main task continues, and I will always have brief reminders that I am alone -- that particular kind of alone that always carries a reminder of something I treasured about Margaret.  I am convinced that my only choice is to learn to live with that aloneness, no matter what I do or where I go, or what I see.  The best news is that is not the end of the story -- just a sign post.

Day 151 -- 9/26/10 -- Wow 9 days

It is hard to believe that it has been nine days since I last posted. It seems like only yesterday I was writing about the new television. I guess the passing time is indicative of where I am in my process, and that I am recognizing  something of a pattern, and the days just seem to be filling themselves up–no such thing as just one item scheduled per day.
Just for this week, Sunday I had Brighthouse  here to replace a faulty cable that had been installed originally, and then got the new set correctly set on the wall and checked to be sure that everything was operating correctly. Monday, Nancy's day, was spent taking care of bills  including getting a number of phone calls made that were necessary for family business. Then Tuesday, I did  a  second session of the Driver Safety Program for Anna–which was in Carrollwood, in an apartment complex I was not familiar with. The person that did the first session of the course  left the paperwork for me to do.   Wednesday I started the day with the second half of the rental course for H&R Block, left there early to go to St. Petersburg for AARP retraining. That was convenient because I could give Anna her copies of the paperwork from the previous day. Thursday I chose to check with Hyde Park to ensure that everything was in place for the course on Monday. Did find out that we need to revise the publicity for these courses and change the contact number that they have.
Probably the highlight of the week was spending that evening with John and Betty. We had a great meal, but more importantly we had such great conversation. Spending time with them is always a guarantee that the conversation will be interesting and the topics will be challenging. Had a new experience that evening, I drove home in the dark! The route was familiar and I found myself doing much better than I expected–since I have been avoiding driving at night for the last five months.
Friday I was not sure whether Jared would come and visit–he didn't. I did have much on the agenda to take care of for the Driver Safety Program on Monday, not the least of which was to call all the participants and remind them to be sure and bring their lunch, AARP card and drivers license. I have 20 people signed up for Monday. That will be my largest class so far -- four  participants are also members of the CouplesClub.  I think it's going to be a really fun day.
Saturday was SHARE day. Got to the church about nine o'clock after stopping by the tire place and  arranged to get new tires put on the car later in the day. After getting all the  groceries distributed, I headed to Apollo Beach to spend the day with Lee's family which grew during the day. Christian and Brandon came in, playmates were in and out, and with the arrival of Christian and Brandon the dog population grew by three. The funniest thing was watching Brandon's German shepherd getting spooked by the turtle. Allie and Jamie arrived about midafternoon after indicating concern that perhaps Allie might have chickenpox. It was absolutely amazing to see how everyone immediately raised the issue of whether that virus would be a danger to Josh because of his compromised immune system.  The whole planned afternoon that would've involved Renée's brother's 40th birthday was quickly re-shifted to protect Josh. I was amazed at how easily Jamie handled that situation considering it was her child who might have the chickenpox. Allie  was her cute most charming self–looking around in great wonder at  the antics of all the adults. She seemed to be having a great time.
As the party broke up I came back to Tampa, got new tires for the car, picked up some things needed for my CPAP at Walgreens and finally came home. It was a long day–a long week– I was very busy–and it was fun.
I'm continuously  asked how I am doing in this process. I think I am doing well–it's just that there are so many very small but very frequent reminders of how often I would turn to Margaret to tell her some little tidbit of discovery, or gett validation for an idea, thought, question. And that really does not include finding out how much I depended on her being in the car with me for my own comfort when I drove. Samantha is very helpful in giving me directions but she is not ever going to take the place of Margaret's presence in the car.
The week coming up may be as busy–starting with today when I firmed up the partnership with Blaine for getting the website up and running and marketed. Tomorrow is the big day at Hyde Park church, and on Wednesday Matt R. is coming to try to get all of the Valic business straightened out for me.  I am hopeful that I can take steak and potatoes to Christian and Jamie's house in the late afternoon and we'll have a delightful dinner with Christian as the Grillmaster.
Still not really sure what the delay in writing in this log has been. I hope it is indicative that my routine is settling down. I find myself judging that while a lot of things happened during the day they did not seem to urge me toward writing.  It is soon coming up to six months, so maybe I will change the address of the blog, re-address some of the issues and perhaps take a bit different tack.  If anyone is reading this -- stay tuned!

Day 143 -- 9/18/10 -- What a Day....What a rare mood...

I finally decided that today was when I would break down and get an  HDTV.   I had made arrangements with Dennis  (across the street) to help by going to Sam's to pick up the television with his truck, had arranged for Christian, Jamie, and Allie to come over  and help get it installed. I had really intended that this would be our anniversary present, but did not own up to that until today. The day started early because I wanted to be sure that Sam's had a television in stock–and I went to the store about 8:30 to ensure that. Stopped at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, and soon after getting home Christian alerted me to the fact they were on their way.
It was great fun having the time to simply visit with Christian and Jamie and enjoy  Allie's antics.   It hasn't been that long since I was at their house, but Allie seems to have caught on  to constant moving at high speed. The last time she was here she crawled up the steps from the big room to the kitchen. Today she walked up the steps–albeit on hands and feet, but she put her foot on each step and stood up. We were enjoying this time together as we waited for Dennis (who works the night shift) to be up, so Christian and I quickly ran out and got Alabama barbecue and after just a quick snack found out that Dennis was ready to go.
The rest of the day was spent gloriously–as far as I'm concerned–getting the big television up on the wall, watching Allie  go full blast and then take a nap,  Jamie and I took a brief sojourn in looking at some of grandma's jewelry, and rearranging the big room to change the focus for the new TV.
So by the time the kids left, I knew that I had had a full day. It was hard to say goodbye to the kids, and I realized that part of that difficulty was my own strange sense of sadness that came over me much like a dark cloud. Maybe it had to do with rummaging in some of Margaret's jewelry, maybe it had to do with Jamie's tender assurance that she would welcome  having any of the grandma's things, maybe because I made a major purchase, maybe because I would be alone celebrating our anniversary, maybe Marcia asked me to edit something for  her. Whatever it is, I am experiencing a bittersweet sense of maybe how weeks will be from now on. As the six-day lapse  illustrates, this has been a very busy week. Perhaps I wants rushing a bit in making the plans for today and at the same time it just seemed right. 
What made the day so special was that I asked for help that I needed just for me, it was gladly offered and given because I asked--  not because I was grieving (although that may be too fine a distinction), but having the kids here all day, letting them show care and concern for me, accepting that care and concern without qualification was for me eye opening. I think the challenge of today for me is to make sense of  this week as part of the building of my new future. Not far enough along with this right now to know where it might be going, but it is still one hell of a great ride.   I am very thankful and deeply touched by the caring of both  kids this week,  my grandsons (all of them), and the sweet innocence and great smile of my great-granddaughter.  Maybe I am seeing what is really happening -- and have turned off the pity sensors.  If that is really true, I like the difference.
     

Day 142 -- 9/17/10 -- Has it really been 6 days?

A lot has been going on and I have a hard time believing six days have passed since I last wrote.  They have been days filled with a lot of doing some familiar things, and experiencing the reality that while the actions, or people, or events are familiar -- they are very different.  I have changed.  At those familiar happenings, I was always part of a pair -- a team.  That's no longer the case, even though I feel Margaret's spirit with me, I am still learning to do what has been familiar from a very different perspective.  Talking to a friend today, she  said that it is like missing a tooth -- you know it's gone, and your are feeling better after it was taken, but the little, subtle reminders that happen every time your tongue moves in your mouth, you are reminded that it's gone.  The analogy holds out pretty well to be so simple.  I guess that is part of what the grieving experience is about -- learning to continue to experience and be comfortable with the presence of Margaret's spirit and learning to accept all the reminders (most of them little tiny flecks that you just can't quite get your finger on to pick up) that she is physically gone -- the hard part is getting OK with that acceptance.
What I am learning is that the more I practice, the more I get outside myself, the more I realize the great treasure I have in that storehouse of family and friends who join me in the quest for us to explore how we can use that background to establish an ongoing and exciting trip to today and the future.
I've been doing a lot of trying to find words and concepts to verbalize what is going on at the core of my being.  I am discovering that is a good exercise, and that I would do myself a lot of good by just accepting the internal struggle as a part of my new being and get out an walk more while the internal struggle is going on -- then my inner and outer body will get exercise! I think I am in for experiencing another dimension of what I have known up to now about the loving self -- loving others diad.  More to come -- hopefully a little more regularly!

Day 136 -- 9/11/10 -- Today was Allie's Birthday party

At first  blush one could believe that a one year old's birthday party would not be occasion for gathering a large group of adults. and might even be possible to conceive that it would not be the best place in the world for someone that was struggling with  grief and forming new relationships. For me the party was an absolute smash. It was so much fun watching Christian and Jamie having a party for their friends and there were a lot of people there. A majority of the crowd was family; there seemed to be an overabundance of little people running around and it was pretty evident that there was no limit on the number of guests based on the age of the celebrant.  It was not only refreshing but for me invigorating and restorative to be in the midst of a group that was carrying so much for the little ones while also caring for each other. It was a real privilege to be there. I also was quite pleased that if I indicated a desire or willingness to chat, their response was always very positive. If I chose to quietly watch the football game, that was accepted and generally people just joined me in watching. There was no such thing as being alone.  With three dogs, and a large group of people -- ranging in age from 1 to 75, there was always something happening just about anywhere on the property. That made it so easy to move in and out of groups or just watch.
Last night before going to bed I had read some of the e-mails that are on the blog on the pages to the right, and one of those e-mails was from Scott and Alycia.  Alycia was there today with her two children and I had a chance to tell her how touched I was by what they wrote.  Her response was as if she had been wanting to ask I was doing but was afraid to  because it might be painful for me. We had a good conversation and it resulted in us exchanging phone numbers and her invitation for us to have lunch or just come hang out at their house any time I wanted to.
I also had opportunity to check with Christian concerning the projects that we had started and I had left unfinished; to chat with Lee about a change in strategy for his birthday;  Ed and I exchanged pleasantries and biases about politics and football; and I spent most of the time watching Allie as she was the delight of so many people, and as her mother worked hard to get her to open presents. I was most complemented by Allie's not wanting to put down the  “cell phone” that I had picked up for her when Jamie and I went to Wal-Mart.
The food was good, the cake was great, Allie  was her most  charming self, the interaction and fellowship was incredibly restorative, and I came away feeling that I had rejoined life.  Another first was that I for the first time ever, I watched a Florida game without Margaret, and that did not dawn on me until after I had gotten home and was watching the Alabama game.
It was a very good day. 

Day 133 -- 9/8/10 -- my impatience

Many of the conversations I have had in the last two days have been orchestrated by my impatience that this process is seeming to take so long. I had a good sleep last night, and recognize that I prepared myself for it much better than I have on previous evenings. Today was a good day with many very positive things happening, and some indicators that plans laid several months ago are coming to fruition.
For me the most significant part of today has been looking at my stated impatience to see what it's all about. I have seen many people and walked with them through grief and during my own process have realized that I was only seeing the teeniest top of the iceberg in the past. I knew that there would not be a blinding flash that would follow  a pattern, but probably more be hills and valleys,  highs and lows in a seemingly random pattern that could could not be anticipated.
I believe what has dictated the most thought is the two meetings I have tomorrow: both of them are indirectly related to Margaret and our work together. Both of them mean moving on, and I sense a certain amount of fear of loss hovering around. I know that this destination that I am so impatient about involves acceptance of the reality that Margaret is not with me physically, and that any future is of my design. What I have not anticipated nor really seen in the past is that in order to reach that acceptance, it includes the full acceptance at a non-intellectual level that I have to live in a real world and while I maintain and remain owner of my memories I have to accept the reality that they are only that.No matter how often I visit there I will not change the reality of today. I had no idea that this would be such a difficult task nor that it is such a total being issue.
With this realization I'm going to give myself some structure that will perhaps help. I realized today that I need an almost hour by hour schedule to follow, and I need to establish some do-able goals that are more than just getting through the day.  I have been “cheating” by using the schedule–such as meeting with other people or volunteering for something– to avoid setting my own priority and direction. I guess what that means is acceptance is what I do about of me as a whole person who needs contact with other people but does not appropriately expect anyone else to organize my life. (while I am dictating this, I am also aware of the struggle to find words to express what I rarely say)
About five days ago, Harriet P. called, said she had a magazine article from England that mentions Margaret, and wanted to talk to me about a couple of other things. I have really had a hard time returning that call and I figured out tonight that I am anticipating that it's going to be a struggle and it's going to be hard for me to accept the possibility that Harriet may move on and I will not have much contact with her–since most of the contract was around Margaret. I think I am just afraid of moving on, and that has given me a "reason"to delay returning the call.   I know I am afraid of the uncertainty bat is around that call. If I am true to my resolve to give structure that can provide some comfort, then that call is on the agenda for as early tomorrow was possible.  I also hope scheduling is going to have a significant impact on meals and portion control and diet. My friend who is helping me with the website that I will meet in the morning is going to bring me the structure of a diet he used and lost 50 pounds. That may be a useful structure for me to include in my scheduling. We shall see.

Day 132 -- 9/7/10 Responses

Starting with my medical appointment, the day produced a variety of responses–surprising, comforting, challenging, and somewhat unexpected. The doctor this morning listened carefully and thoughtfully to my attempt at sorting where I am in my grieving and if any of that had anything to do with the adjustment to the CPAP machine. Dr. W. is really good at listening and letting it be known that he is giving full attention. He also is a CPAP user, so I really solicit his responses to how I am adjusting to the machine and whether it is at maximum helpfulness. He was pleased with how I am doing and reiterated that he does not expect to see me again until my next routine check which is in December.
I left from his office to take the paperwork for the driver safety program to Bob and  Shirley. I got there just as they were about to leave, left the paperwork with Bob and expected that I would hear from him later in the day since they were going to a meeting. Sure enough he called later in the day to say that they need to make some arrangements so as not to conflict with the activity already going on in the clubhouse.
Soon after I got home, the mail came and as expected I got the DVD that was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, the hub that I was expecting to be delivered today, and the usual collection of magazines and advertisements in the mail. I had not gotten around to lunch yet when the doorbell rang and UPS handed me the order from the Hartford for the magazines that I want to have for the driver safety program. I could not believe how nicely packed but how  small and lightweight the hub was.
The big surprise today was a call from Margee at College Park in Orlando. She had gotten my note that accompanied the check for the flowers she put in the church for us, memorializing Sophia and Ernest, and was quite distressed that she did not know about Margaret's death. Margee has been the one to put the flowers in the church for us since Margaret's mom died and it was something we looked forward to each year because her notes that accompany the bill are so newsy and delightful. Anyway we talked for about 30 minutes-it was a good conversation. I suspect that I will be hearing more from some of those friends of Sophia and Ernest in the coming weeks.
 Lee called with information about Josh's clinic the  news was good and they're putting him back on chemo. We also talked about re-establishing Jarrod's spending a day a week with me.   Of course, that is contingent on Jarrod getting all his school work done.  I have missed having him here -- and having his flexibility to reach some of those places where I need something done, but am afraid that if  I get down, I'll have a very difficult time getting back up.
Karen S. dropped by -- she said she was thinking of me and wanted to bring me supper!  Greek chicken, asparagus, rice, strawberries and blackberries.  She visited briefly, and when she asked if there was anything she could do, I gave her the three big pictures of Margaret -- told her I wanted to give them to her, and I did not want to know what she did with them.  She accepted the task with understanding and insight, and I was pleased to get that issue settled! I could not thank Karen enough for her thoughtfulness and bringing me supper.  She also offered to come over and help me sort, clean-out and throw away.  She said it in a way that confirmed that she was not just being nice -- she really wanted to help with what she knew would be a painful task for me. 
It is such a comfort, challenge and reassurance -- in the midst of feeling alone -- for days like today to happen.  I have not covered all the serendipities that happened today -- suffice it to say I am heading to bed much richer, thankful and blessed.

Day 131 - 9/6/2010 -- It's Labor Day

All day, it felt like I should be doing something. Nancy came early because this was her only job today. While she was still here I decided to leave, with no particular destination in mind. Ended up going to the Sweetbay supermarket on Gandy, and picked up two or three things to complement a picnic for Labor Day.
Last night was rough. For the last two or three nights I have awakened at about two o'clock and for the last two nights was not able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Last night I finally got up about four, came out and puttered in the kitchen and then decided to watch a movie, and never did get back to sleep. Subsequently most of today was spent in a somewhat drowsy mode–not finding anything to do that lasted very long and bouncing from one task to another. Most of the day I had a tickle in my throat that caused a dry cough and I could not tell if may be a husk from some of the popcorn that I've fixed in the early morning hours might have gotten in my throat, or was the product of the CPAP drying out my airway.
Could I say that there was something on my mind that kept me awake–no.  Is this just  an unexpected feature of where I am in grieving? Is this just part of the adjustment to the CPAP machine? Because my nose has been runny and my chest producing mucus, do I have some kind of flu process going on? That's pretty much how the time from four clock until daylight went. I was caught up in the reality of having all of this going through my mind and did not have anyone to  talk to about it right then but I kept bumping in to the reality that the  oneI trusted to help me in these times was not here. That is a damnable reality that I keep bumping into,  and each time I do,  it does not seem to get any less painful.
Tomorrow I get to discuss my long list of items with Dr. Whitaker. Perhaps he will help me see a larger picture that can be more reassuring than right now.  Tomorrow will bring the expected arrival of my new hub, plans for the upcoming weeks for BLOCK and Hyde Park DSP and the Board meeting at Regency Cove to confirm the DSP at that location.  And  I am in hopes that my ears will come back from the factory working correctly.  Perhaps after a sleepless night and a not very meaningful day,  this is just the low spot before the it's time to get busy and active and exercising.  Just to hedge my bet, I just took two Tylenol PM that will hopefully help me sleep.

Day 129 -- 9/4/10 -- It may not be a cure....

One of the great advantages of managing my own schedule is that I could have a day like today. Christian called me late yesterday afternoon to say that his sink stopped up and wondered if I had something that could help that. Told him that we would start the day today with whatever I had on hand. He also asked that I bring up my chainsaw and blower so that he could get started on his yardwork project.  This morning I left the house about 9:30 and spent a good part of the day at Christian's house.   Some  of the day was consumed in the pesky drain that would not open up, and all of the time was spent watching, playing, and enjoying Alli's interaction with her world.
What made it a great day was being accepted and included in the goings on as they are getting their house arranged -- as a member of the household. Jamie and I went shopping at Walmart --  which they are remodeling at the moment--while the progress of our trip was for miscellaneous plumbing parts, Jamie helped me find a birthday present for Allie.  I bought her her own cell phone –manufactured by V-Tech-- which not only talks to her but also has a potential for teaching numbers and other simple concepts. We also tried out the new PizzaHut big pizza  with 16 servings. One of the great things with Jamie and Christian  is that they are always willing to try one of the latest fast food offerings. We were all surprised and pleased with the the taste and quality of the item--even Allie found it tasty!
About two o'clock I reluctantly left Evans Drive, and headed back to Tampa.  I still had the shirts to do to finish up the laundry from yesterday and had hoped that maybe the hub that I ordered would come in. The shirts were waiting for me–the hub was not.
I know that my task now is figuring out how to be alone. Thanks to the kids,  I am learning  that does not mean being lonely, nor does it mean that there is not plenty of opportunity for me to be a part of others lives–it's just very different or at least unfamiliar right now. Based on today, I say it was a good day–and a good lesson–and a real privilege to be a part of another household for four hours with something to do.

Day 128 -- So much going on

Perhaps it's because it's the beginning of September--perhaps it's because all schedules are “going back to normal”–perhaps it's the time accomplished for me to notice that  I am alone. At any rate, there is plenty of activity going on all around and I have the good fortune to be included.  Christian called a little while ago to ask for my help with any stopped up  sink.  Tomorrow morning I will take my plumber's snake, electric blower, and electric chain saw for Christian  to use.
Lee and Renée got an evening for themselves while the boys were at the other grandparents–the weight of what is happening to their house and job-search bears really very heavy on them right now. There are times when I almost feel guilty that I am so occupied with my grief that I don't do more to try to help those kids out–but then I'm not sure what I could do to lighten their load.
Things are looking good for the Regency Cove  driver safety program–most likely will happen on October 6 and 7. I told Bob that I would get something written this weekend to be placed in their monthly newsletter announcing the program and probably will make some posters to be posted in the clubhouse on the property. Also two members of the couples club will be participating in the driver safety program at HydePark. Today I got the announcement that there is a website just for AARP volunteers and spent a few minutes there looking for resources to use.
Had to go see Steve to try to figure out what's happening to my hearing aids. When I described what is going on, Steve simply asked for the two aides so he could send him back to the factory for refreshing. Old Mr Responsible was still  giving me a hard time about not taking off of my aids before I started sweating so much during exercise,  Steve just saw that as sufficient justification for sending the equipment back to the manufacturer.
Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will get a new 7 port  hub so I can hook up this ever-increasing number of devices to the computer without blowing it up.  I now have three printers,  this headset that I use for dictating,  and I need a port for synchronizing my iPhone and downloading photos from my camera.  Having a 7 port hub will make using all these things much more convenient.
The CPAP and I are getting along much better–I just expected that the adjustment would not take as long as it has and then I remember that it has not yet been 30 days–that's next week.
So there is a lot going on; there is a lot that I can be involved in and I am learning the real meaning of going on alone together. The whole issue of Margaret and I being part of a larger being and trying to find a way to capture that is constantly churning in my mind. On the way to get my ears fixed another nuance came up and I tried to send it to myself by e-mail. I think I'm going to have to get Christian or Lee  to check out my iPhone and see why it is so reluctant to send e-mail. And that is just another example of what is so different now–there are things that I would like to ask somebody to do or have somebody do for me and I don't have anyone to try out the requests before I actually make it. For most folks that's probably not a big deal--for me it is a statement of the loss of something that has been so very familiar.  John Denver's Annie's Song begins  “you fill up my senses"  and that is a clue to what I know is missing for me at times like this. My prayer is that I won't try to replace that with busy work.

Day 127 -- a new helper?

Most of yesterday was spent getting the software that I'm using right now installed so that I could dictate these messages.    I am still in a training mode, and hope that this will serve to make it possible to record thoughts during the day and then do a final edit in the evening.
About mid-afternoon Renée called and said that Joshua's test results were back and they were all clear!   It is really amazing to realize how the possibility of serious outcomes will not go out of my head and just float around in the background. Of course that also contributes to not wanting to get much done. Renée had suggested that they might come by since they had a break before going to the Cancer Center, but tonight was couples club night and I was in the process of getting ready to go to that meeting. So I missed a chance to see Josh and Jarrod and Renée, much to my regret.
 CNN had a story today about Stephen Hawking's new book  stating his position that it was not necessary for God to touch off a spark that started our world. What I find so fascinating is that this is the  “God is dead” idea resurfacing again after about 50 years. I do not know if Mr. Hawking's intent was to use this idea as a way to ensure that his books sold or as a means of trying to establish one more time the fact that we as human beings insist that everything about our world is somehow limited to space, place and time. Mr. Hawking makes a great point that there are many dimensions in the total universe and that we as a group of people spend far more energy in trying to justify our limited existence  rather than consider a less limited way of viewing the world -- which is somehow threatening. Sure do wish there was a dormitory “bullpen” still available to try out some of these ideas and get a dialog started.
What I find most fascinating is that just as I am struggling myself to understand what it means to no longer have Margaret's physical presence here that I still experience her and her spirit and I have no markers,  other than a few fragile words to try to articulate exactly what the experiences are. I know what I am experiencing and feeling.  I just run out of words.  The only thing that makes any kind of sense-and nonsense–is that I am dealing in another mode of being that we call spirit that is without time without shape and without form. So because of my own limited humanness I may be able to speculate that this dimension is real but my reality markers have to include space, place and time and so I'm in a bind. I am stuck with a limited concept of philosophy (which after all is our human way of trying to be able to explain everything). If there is comfort at this point, I am aware of that throughout the history of humankind there have been notable people who came to the same juncture. I'm at the juncture, I'm not notable, and I'm not sure where this is going. It is really a great trip, though.

Day 125 -- A new front lawn!

There is good news and bad news.  The good news is that widower-hood changes the use of calendaring.  The bad news is still -- other people still follow their own schedules and priorities.  Yesterday, I was so pleased that I could -- at the last minute-- write in a luncheon date with George and Diane.  I had been looking forward to finally meeting Diane, and so pleased that her medical issues were in control, and she could join us for lunch!  George initiated the invitation, so I knew he was very pleased with her recovery and wanted her to exercise her growing freedom from pain. 
We met at Mom's place -- had great food -- and a most delightful hour and a half.  It is amazing how parallel some of our experiences were.  George had told me Diane was "head-strong" and I very much understand why he loves her and that attribute about her.  There were many very comfortable and comforting subjects that we shared, and had a great time getting acquainted.  We left each other with tentative plans to get together again.
Got home and continued my 6 week challenge on the Wii.  I found my self enjoying the exercise, and could even keep up with the trainer.  The way it is programmed (so far), I don't think it will get boring!
Today had only one entry on the calendar -- a new front lawn.  Massey was to come, take away the old dead lawn (they had sprayed it) and put down new sod.  However, the day started with a call from Christian wondering if I could come over and just hang out.  He also had a project he wanted my help with.  Lee also called to say that Josh's counts were still low, and they were going to do a bone marrow study to see if they could figure out what is going on.  That meant putting Josh to sleep to get the bone marrow -- and raised all kind of very scary scenarios.
I called the Massey office to ask when I could expect the crew to do the yard.  The answer? "Sometime between now and 2 pm".  Soon after the call, the 4 pallets of sod were delivered on the driveway, and being the eternal optimist, I assumed the workmen could not be far behind.  I wanted to get to Clearwater to see what I could do to help Christian and Jamie.  I had fretted plenty about Josh -- even though I knew we wouldn't know anything for at least two days.  As Lee said, that is more than enough time for the malicious devils to run around in our heads with all kinds of dire predictions.
Anyway, the crew arrived -- 6 men, 3 trucks, 3 machines, and an apparent willingness to work in the heat.  They were obviously accustomed to the heat and they went right to work.  After watching them for about an hour (from the inside, of course) I put out some ice water and glasses for them.  The amazing thing was that the front yard went from dead to new green in 1 1/2 hours!  I got my instructions for programming the irrigation system for the next 30 days.  I was very pleased with their work, and they seemed to be pleased with their job.  And, after letting the water run for a hour, we had a quick rain storm that put down plenty more water!
The men got cleaned up and gone about 5 -- I called Chris and they were out getting a quick bite.  I asked how long before they would home -- and realized that if I went over there and spent any time with them, it would be dark and I would be driving on the Courtney Campbell.  I asked Chris if we could change the plan to tomorrow -- and I'm going to be there about 11 am.   Thank goodness for the flexibility on my schedule!
The CPAP thing is going well.  Last night, I got in bed before I was ready -- got up, read for about an hour, then I was ready.  This morning, I had a bit of a runny nose -- think I will talk to Dr Whitaker about that sinus recommendation line in the initial study when I see him next Tues.  I'll be sure that is on my list (which I am starting right now!)

Day 123 -- Our Anniversary

Yesterday I had baked waffles and biscuits (for the freezer) and made a banana  pudding.  So I started today with a waffle, egg and sausage sandwich with Orange marmalade.  Great start of the day, followed by the customary Sunday Morning and Christ Matthews.  Did some straightening up, stored the DSP materials and ordered some more from Hartford.
Decided to make a Chicken Divan for the week, and fixed rice with the left over "binder" from the Divan.  So now I have a rather good menu for the week.  Going to start the week off with lunch with George and Diane, new sod on the front yard on Tuesday, and expect the new MacSpeech Dictate on Wed. or Thurs.  Couples Club is Thursday night at the Moore's, and sometime during the week, I owe the Crislips a visit.
The day was spent thinking of Margaret and many of the fun things we did on our anniversary -- rarely on the actual date (other complications meant we would schedule a day for ourselves -- just not on the 29th).  The memories were very pleasant, and only as I write this is there sadness because she was not here to enjoy the movies I got for the day.  But, in a funny way, I enjoyed the day as if she were here.  And for me, she was!

Day 122 --It is a strange time

Tomorrow is our 51st Anniversary.  I have received so many very kind and genuine thanks from folks who got our 50th Anniversary celebration card.  Little did we know that rather than have 10 or more anniversaries to celebrate the 50th would be our last.  I look back 50 years and think of the anticipation, terror, and excitement that I was experiencing on that last night as a single person.  Now, all these years later, that is some terror, not much excitement and a lot of wonderment as to what is in store for me.  (I almost wrote us).  And, strangely enough, "us" is still true.  I can't go any where in this house without some physical reminder of Margaret.  I can't think of very much without an awareness that she is with me, and caring about us. 
So as tomorrow approaches, there are some things I know.  Margaret will be here but I can only see her in all the corners of my mind.  She still "fills up my spaces", and I know her spirit is real and with me.  I know I will continue to get reminders that her spirit is with others -- family, friends, and an untold number of former students and their families.  All of that is a  strangely comforting reassurance. 
What I know is I am in a much better place to deal with tomorrow than I was 50 years ago.  The difference?  51 years of experiencing Margaret's love and knowing that the spirit of that love is here to see me though what ever happens.
I still miss her.

Day 120 -- it was a rough night

After successfully completing the second DSP,  I was ready for bed right after the interview on Ch. 13 of Renee with Josh and Jarrod at their home.  Made sure I captured the teaser and then the interview at 10:30.  Sent a text to Renee afterward confirming I had captured the teaser, interview, and the interview with the lawyer from KEL that followed. 
So I was in bed by 11.  Started out with the chin strap that arrived yesterday and went to sleep fairly quickly.  Woke up about 2:30 or so, and stayed until a little after three.  Thought it might be the chin strap initially, so took it off, and tried to get back to sleep.  No luck.  So I got up, finished up the paperwork for the DSP,  sent Anna her copy of the FTE and a copy of the spread sheet that I used for that class (it is really hers), and a letter telling her about the conversation initiated by the librarian concerning materials fee collection.  Got that all finished, ready for mail this morning, and went back to bed.  I knew I did not have anything until the Brunch with Debbie at 10am.
Did not put on the chin strap, got back to sleep, and woke up around 7:45am.  So I really did my 8 hours in two shifts.  Woke up, shaved, showered, did the morning routine -- coffee only, and was prepared to leave at 9:45.
The meeting with Debbie (two hours) was very good and quite productive.  I was wanting to see how well I would do.  During the conversations, there were a few, predictable tight throat moments, but the conversation flowed and I was able to articulate some of the real "core" struggles that seems to be with me, lurking in the background.  I really think what is going on is my finding contemporary experience in dealing with so many things that for so long were "team" or "we" issues.  All the familiar coping mechanisms were predicated on the two of us -- and they don't work with one of us no longer physically present.  What I am learning is that doesn't mean the spiritual connection is broken -- it is still firmly there.  I just do not have much background to experience that without the limits of some human form or being.  And at the same time, I am trying to find a way to let that experience live with me and my human limits.  And at that point, the conceptualization continues -- I just have not words or framework to express or describe.
When I got back home, William F. was waiting in the drive -- I had gotten a call from him yesterday, but did not know he was coming.  We had a good meeting.  He brought me up to speed on his project, including the start of creating a foundation (he wants it to be a 501(c)3).  He was looking for help in including that entity to achieve his dream of services to under-served and underprivileged gaining education beyond high school.  This is very much an ongoing conversation.  I am going to pull out my files and help him with completing the creation of a no-for-profit corporation, and we started the conversation about setting up a test project probably in Appalachia -- and perhaps with Trish Brown's involvement.  We shall see.
I finally realized that my body was really trying to tell me that it was just not about to cope with the inaction I was imposing on it.  So this evening, I started the 6 week challenge with the exercise program using the Wii.  I haven't really kept my resolve to walk every day, and am going to get help from the program to put me through a programmed exercise 4 days a week.  The first session today gave more than adequate evidence that I have put this off too long.  My goal is to make the 6 weeks, and then see if I can work out some weight loss and a daily exercise program -- and maybe even join one of those senior programs in a neighborhood recreation center.  And for now -- I'm more than ready for bed!

Day 118 -- a good day and a rough evening

The DSP session went well -- only had 6 there.  Of the nine who were left on the list, two had some physical difficulty, and one just didn't show.  We also had a frog strangler that went on and on -- starting last night and continuing most of today.  The interaction was good -- not the most active group.  They had all taken the course before and were primarily there to get the certificate for the insurance discount.
Got home -- had to finish up some paperwork for DSP.  Also had to answer several emails -- some asking for future meetings to follow up on past conversations.  When all that was done, I started fixing my late supper and it hit me.  I was really missing Margaret.  There was that moment when I had to deal with the idea that she was just as a meeting and would be back soon.  And then the realization that I was missing her and something about that was different.  Yes, part of it was I didn't have my partner to "take down" the meeting like we did so often.  And yes, there was no one to discuss the calls and emails that came in.  But the missing was not that more familiar tight throat, churning belly, alone that has been happening in the past.
No conclusions --  for the first time in many nights, the CPAP really worked well and I had a good, full, restful night's sleep -- dreaming and all!  Maybe I am integrating more that I realize, and am beginning to understand what the reality of being alone, being individually responsible/accountable, and still being strongly connected to Margaret feel like.  The more I think about it, what happened this evening was that I was missing Margaret's physical presence and I knew I she is with me.

Day 117 -- Been on an important meditation break

I'm not quite ready to start recording some of the really important, though mystical journey I have been on for the past six days.  It is an interesting trip -- has to do with my identity, clarity about what is going on for me,  some formative ideas about grief (from my perspective), and finding out some interesting things about practice and form.
Tomorrow, I'll be teaching the Driver Safety Program, so will have some contact with strangers to whom I intend to give the gift of looking at themselves and their driving.  Don't know it will have anything to do with my "core" journey -- and I will not be surprised if it does.
So far, my summary is "Grief makes us experience the impossible" -- or something like that.

Day 111 -- What's up?

I'm really not sure what is going on. 
Today, I fixed myself Chicken Parmesan to go with the Spanish Rice and Succotash that I had made yesterday.  That's two meals -- with some veggies left over.   For dinner, a tossed salad of lettuce+, apples, blueberries, grapes, peanuts, and croutons.  I felt good about the meals -- at least they are fun to fix, and I think qualify as healthy and satisfying. 
Got Della Perdue's address from Jo Ann Hamby -- the bonus was getting to chat with Jo Ann and we will hopefully work together this tax season.  Sent a sympathy card to Della and a response to Ann Newsome.  That was satisfying -- but maybe brought something along with it.
Found a stationary box of Margaret's -- and found the courage to  put it in the wastebasket.  Soon after that, someone called asking for Margaret -- they would only say they were sorry when I told them she is no longer with us -- and would not say what the call was about.  Also got a letter from St. Joes Hospital reminding Margaret that her annual mammogram was due with instructions about making an appointment and how to prepare and what to bring.  I was tempted to call them up with an "How dare you" call, but then realized they were just doing their job, and their system is not the best coordinated.  Maybe some of that residual was lurking somewhere on the edge of awareness.
Had a great conversation with Christian.  He is going well -- still medicated in anticipation of passing the stone the rest of the way out.  He sounded well, and was very willing to talk about the whole experience.  Hopefully, after I finish my appointment with Mike T. tomorrow, I'll drive over to their place and see what I can do to help as they are preparing to move to a house.
Did a lot of emailing and a little calling about the breakfast on Thursday.  Seems Al will not be able to make it after all,  Dan still will be accompanying Meghan to her ob appointment.  Talked to George about Dan's request to find a home for some of the "stuff" on the Tax Side (he's moving all the gear out of Benjamin Center).  Sent an email to the TOSC team affirming our meeting on Thursday -- even with Al, we still have a lot to talk about and share. 
As I was watching tv tonight, I found myself weepy in really strange places.  Instances -- whether in commercials or programming -- of someone being affirmed, realizing the possibility of a dream, having someone to care and care for ... all themes that really hit in the midst my alone experience right now.  What I must be overlooking is the obvious.  I am reacting to my new life that has some very familiar parts missing -- and I don't like it. 
Tomorrow is really a step into next year's tax season, followed by another on Thursday.  I have not idea which way things will be going.  I will just have to wait and see what opportunities I will have to play out the hand I'm holding.

Day 110 -- Talk about a roller coaster

The day was going well.  Got the course materials ordered for West Tampa Library, finished the template for taking care of the paperwork. Also got more organization in the materials I have.  Spent some time downloading instructions for voice mail so I would know what my options are.  The outgoing message needs changing -- particularly since people will be calling here to register for the Hyde Park UMC course.  Wrote and re-wrote the message -- going to let it cook overnight and change it tomorrow.  I am still hesitating before throwing out stuff that was just for Margaret.  I know it's crazy -- I just toss small stuff that has no possible use as a way of trying to make it easier.  However, at this rate, it will take years to get things cleared out.
During the morning I got a text from Marcia -- finally.  She had a rather rough weekend because of Margaret's birthday, and still had the stress that has been a part of her life for far too long.  I sent her a text back that one of the saddest things about this weekend was that we were not together.  I really do miss her.
Did a little tweaking of my CPAP -- changed the small nose pillow for the medium, and turned off the humidifier heater.  Will be interesting to see if tonight goes better.  I think the way that small pillow was part of the "dread" that I found myself having as I went to bed.  I was up until 2 am this mroning, then slept very soundly.  I'm going to start earlier tonight and see if the changes in the machine help.
Got a reply from Web Full Circle -- they answered very quickly.  I forwarded their email to my consultant with the hope that he could tell that we had a full copy of the site.  Maybe we can get on with doing something with the Website and Margaret's written legacy. 
Decided to watch Oliver! (the movie) tonight instead of watching all the Monday night reruns.  That was a delightful movie -- stayed pretty true to Dickens' story.  I had seen the stage play in Chicago when at a convention alone.  Wow -- that started a connection to memories and "shoulda, woulda, coulda," that had me weeping as Oliver finally was given a new life,  when he responded to persons caring for him.  Way too much rubber banding to my own loss, my own regrets, my own wish I had made other choices.  All of it had to do with watching the movie alone, and no place to go for comfort.  I don't know that will ever be replaced.

Day 109 -- Lots done -- not much finished

Started the day like a regular Sunday.  Got a great email from Danny -- sent an article that I annotated, and will be sending him a response this week.  He also asked about how things are going with the CPAP.  One of the things I did today was reset the pressure back to 6, and left the ramp on.  Last night, I woke up once with a very dry mouth -- obviously had not done a good job of keeping my mouth closed.  Thinking that may be the result of the higher pressure and not being adjusted to that.  I'll find out tonight.  After that brief wake-up, I did get back to sleep -- and must have sweat a gallon.  Maybe I'm still in the adjustment phase.  One of the things I realized last night was I need to be sure the headgear is properly adjusted -- it apparently loosens during the night -- especially if I am moving around a lot.
Still have not heard from Marcia.  Sent Aaron a text message -- no answer from that.  I think I will call during the day and perhaps catch Marcia at work so I can at least get some idea of what's happening in her life.
My computer desk is a mess!  Spend a lot of the day working on DSP, and have a substantial to-do list for tomorrow morning.  There are three major issues pending -- Web Full Circle and the website; DSP and two classes with a third in the works; and some left-over personal and CGP business that is on the agenda for tomorrow.  Thank goodness tomorrow is not a heavily scheduled day.
Headed to bed and the CPAP.  Somehow, that is not yet inviting.  Maybe with another week of practice....

Day 108 -- A quiet day

After that great and spontaneous party yesterday, I wanted to spend a quiet day here at the house with Margaret for her birthday.  I didn't have anything planned, just a quiet day.  There was much to do for the DSP program.  Right now I am scheduled for two courses -- a 2 day on the 24th and 25th of this month, one on the 27th of Sept. (Hyde Park UMC), and one is developing for Regency Cove.  I talked to Anna (she returned my call from the other day) to clarify what I needed to do for the West Tampa course, the frequency of the Hyde Park course, and what to do with the developing Regency Cove activity.  I didn't tell her that one of the people interested in the course is a property manager for a group of apartments that may be interested in having courses.
Other than some flurries of activity like that, I did some piddling things -- resetting the "ramp" on my CPAP, doing the frozen pepper experiment (maybe Jamie will come by tomorrow and I can report and give her a jar of my marinara), made the bed, etc.  All the time just observing what every Aug 14th will be like in the future.
The brightest spot came with the mail.  Ann Newsome sent a card that was remembering Margaret with a copy of the article when Josh was named Boy of the Year.  She wrote the best words of comfort and emphasized that I am not alone.  What better timing for that to come as I was wavering on a pity party, and not really wanting to go there.  Ann's note was like a ray of sunshine in the midst of a definitely cloudy day.
I still hope Christian, Jamie and Allie come by tomorrow.  I am getting concerned about not hearing from Marcia since the end of July.  Tonight I sent a text message to Aaron in hopes that I could get some word from that part of the country.

Day 107 -- Happy Birthday, Margaret

Lee and I agreed that the best way to celebrate Margaret's birthday (tomorrow -- she would have been 78) was to try a new German restaurant having it's grand opening in South Tampa.  Jarrod came along so he could spend the balance of the day with me.  Well, it turned out to be a real celebration and a real party.  Jarrod and I just enjoyed each other's company -- no projects, no rush around.  I had to make a DVD to take to Bob and Shirley S. -- our one project for the day
The party started as all my family (in town) descended [except Christian who had to work] upon the house.  We had great fun, great pizza (Ceasar's) and lots of laughs.  Rather than try to describe the party, go to  Joshua's story for the really good description and two great videos.
It will not take long to fall asleep tonight!

Day 106 -- Finally -- out of the house

The day started early.  Woke up about 4am and could not get back to sleep.  So I got up.  I had been reminding myself to be sure and take the BLOCK exam for the course I finished last week -- maybe that woke me up?  Anyway, did that -- took it twice, got a 100.  Did some other stuff around the house until it got light -- did a morning routine.  Had breakfast and then brushed my teeth.  Strange.  Coffee tastes funny right after toothpaste.  Decided I was going to work in the back yard for an hour -- got the branches that came down last week off the Pecan tree cut up and put in the ard trash buckets.  Only got about 15 minutes to do the job -- it rained.
Came in, got showered, etc., and went to talk with Bob and Shirley S. about the DSP.  As I was leaving the house, I realized I had not been outside for the previous two days.  The meeting with Bob and Shirley was good -- they want to facilitate their community board becoming sponsors of the DSP.  Looks like it could end up being a quarterly program -- maybe even monthly.  Left them and went to Target to pick up items I've had on the list for a while.  When I left there, I decided to go have a late lunch at Lynn Love's restaurant on McDill.  Had a chance to chat with Lynn.  The Bar and Grill is looking good!
Got home, tried to make a disc of the AARP film for sponsors.  Realized I only had CD's so I would need to pick up some DVD's.  Lee came by and we had a very good visit.  After he left, I ran up to Walgreens (third time outside today!) and picked up some discs. Anytime I think my struggle with learning to go on alone, all I have to do is look at what Lee is facing, and the struggle he is having in so many arenas.  What I see as a struggle is still that for me -- and I wish I could somehow just throw it off and make things OK for my son.  I can't make decisions and choices for him -- I can cheer as he does and do whatever I can to assure him that no matter what, I'm in his corner.  He is still my hero!
Tomorrow, Jarrod is coming in with Lee and the three of us are going to celebrate Margaret's birthday by trying a new "German Bistro" that is having its grand opening.  I guess it is part of where I am, but there is this feeling that somehow, if I'm not careful, Margaret's memory will disappear.  I know the facts -- it's this feeling and lump in my throat that comes when I think of doing anything that actively smacks of Margaret not being here.  The easiest thing seems to be to do nothing.  I think my only choice is to proactively go through the experiences, albeit reluctantly.  So we go out tomorrow to have a meal and raise a glass to the love of my life.

Day 105 -- the routine

Not a very busy or interesting day.  Mostly routine things.  I need to get myself exercising more -- and I need some structure to pull it off.  Think while I am out tomorrow, I'll look into either the Y or the Interbay Center for Senior activities.  Maybe going to a scheduled activity with other seniors will help me not only get out of the house, but much better socialized.  It's getting easier and easier to just stay in the house and ignore the outside world.  I don't think that's good.

Day 104 -- Just a day

Took care of some business this morning.  Massey came by and sprayed the front yard (within the driveway) with roundup.  The sun stayed out for garbage and yard trash pickup.  Then the rains came and came and came.  Recycle finally got here.  With all the rain, it made reading the task of the day.  Most positive thing today was three meals -- small -- maybe getting back to more healthy eating.  Also started the workout program.  Will need to get the stretchy thing and leg pocket.

Day 103 -- Catch-up

Today, I caught up on all the things I put off this weekend so I would have most time with Jamie and Allie, and with Jarrod.  Somehow the laundry did not get done, the bed did not get stripped, the pots and pans washed, and the dishwasher run.  And on top of that, it was a Nancy Monday.
Most of the day was spent on getting the chores done.  The placement of the triangular table at the head of my bed made a perfect platform for the CPAP, and it seemed to work well there.  Once again, I woke up at 2+ am and again at 4.  Each time took a few minutes to get back to sleep.  Also had some night sweating -- so I don't know if the CPAP is going to take care of that.
LinCare called today to see if everything was OK with the CPAP.  Told him I had tweaked it by relocating it and turning down the heat by one notch.  Anna V. also called to tell me she has to be at the polls on the 24th and asked if I would cover that day for her at the W. Tampa Library.  I agreed, and as we talked, she asked that I take both days, making the paperwork easier.  I agreed and thanked her for the opportunity.
Decided tonight to take a quick shower -- see if that will make any difference with the night sweats.  Also, with clean sheets on the bed, I may start a new washing schedule  -- maybe the sheets will last a little longer.
Talked to Mike T. to set up an appointment with him before the TOSC team gets together on the 19th.  I'll call him Friday to set a time for us to meet.
A busy day.  Not so busy that on more than one occasion I bumped into that spot that takes a few moments to realize that Margaret is really gone, and no matter what I do or don't do will change that reality.  I really miss her!

Day 102 -- Sometimes it is wise to look in the mouth of gifts

Thinking today would be dedicated to in-house things (laundry, dishes, getting ready for Nancy, some notes written), I got a call from Jarrod asking if he could come in.  I was pleased -- knowing I could delay the chores because the week is not very busy.  Perhaps that's how I got a little snookered.
I went out and got Jarrod.  Before we left Lee came in from cutting the grass -- it was very hot, and he only got the backyard done.  As we were leaving, and in response to my query about when the needed Jarrod back home (classes start for him tomorrow), Lee stated he would have some work for Jarrod to accomplish when he got back.
Somehow, during the afternoon and in the midst of the multiple projects we were doing, I forgot that little piece in conversation.  About 4:30 or so, Jarrod had the bright idea of perhaps spending the night, and then going back home tomorrow when Josh is done with Clinic.  Grandpa was asleep at the switch, and did not suggest we get ourselves together and get him back home.  It was after Lee came and got Jarrod (around 6 -- the time I was supposed to have him back home) that the light came on and I realized that Jarrod was either in the position  that he didn't want to do what was waiting for him at home, or didn't want to suggest to Grandpa that we needed to head to Apollo Beach.  It was hot, and most likely the work that awaited him at home would be outside, he may have not wanted to get sweaty again.  He had been outside for some projects here, and took a quick shower to cool off.
Anyway, Grandpa was not proactive in this transaction today.  I take that as information, and am revising my view of his present level of maturity, and expect that he is not that confident he will find the return of routine (including classes) a welcome change.  Oh the cleverness of a 13 year old!

Day 101 -- Miss Allie (and Mom) spent the day with me!!

Jamie called and asked if they could come over.  I was absolutely thrilled.  She had said that she would come over for a day while Christian was gone, and was so pleased that he call and today was the day!  I was particularly wanting to see Allie doing her standing, walking and VERY rapid crawling.  When they got here, Jamie said that she had decided it was just too much hassle to bring the dog also, so I missed a day with Bella and Spike.  However, that meant that Jamie, Allie and I could just have fun together without distraction.
Allie got comfortable being here, and soon decided to explore.  She showed her skills at standing up, standing alone and walking.  Right now, she takes about three steps by herself and then has to sit down.  I told Jamie if is sat down like that I'd never get up again.  That apparently did not bother Allie.  She would just either do her straight-legged crawl or stand back up and take three more steps.  Most short walks were punctuated with cheers and hand claps by the three of us.
With the visibly improving standing and walking skills, Allie did some other things.  She discovered a cup with pencils in it.  She started by just making open handed movements moving the pencils around.  It wasn't long before she was standing by my knee, with me holding the cup, and figured out how to take out one pencil and when I held out my hand, she would give it to me.  I of course thanked her for the gift.  The amazing thing was she really demonstrated learning the new skill and repeating it, getting better each time she did.  Jamie was taking pictures on my phone, and we probably spend a half hour transfering the pencils out of the cup (I would put them back so she had an endless supply.)  She was very intent on the task, and often cheered herself on!

At one point, Allie held court on the floor with Mom and Grandpa taking pictures of her .  She wanted to demonstrate that pencils are for using, and so she gave us instructions:


And if this were not enough, she managed to climb the stairs up to the kitchen (from the Great Room), and showed it was a usable skill by negotiating the step between the kitchen and dining room -- both ways!
It was really a great day.  Because of Allie, YES.  Jamie and I had lots of opportunity to share which was very complimentary and comforting to me.  Jamie said something about stuffed peppers -- so we grabbed Allie, went to Publix to get ingredients we did not have and came back to make stuffed peppers for a late lunch.  The recipe produced 6 stuffed peppers -- so we ate two, and will put two in Jamie's freezer (Christian does not like green peppers) and two in my freezer.  Our agreement is to let each other know how the peppers tolerate freezing for future reference.
It was absolutely a GREAT day.  I was so honored to have a small part if Allie's ongoing growth and development.  That also includes being honored to watch Jamie's developing and impressive parenting skills.  Am sure that I will probably have to do some reassuring Christian that it is the nature of being a father to miss some of the firsts for his child, and it is OK to accept surrogates when he has to be away!

Day 100 -- hard to believe

Yes, I flaked out last night and did not get day 99 written up.  I think after sitting with the Couples Club group, that followed the Open House for prospective Office Leaders, I had so much I was trying to process that I just went to bed.  I also knew that LinCare would deliver my CPAP tooday, and I think I just wanted to go to sleep to get today here ASAP.
Today was full -- and some of the happenings served to crystallize a lot of the stuff that wouldn't come together yesterday.  The meeting with Mike M.  was very productive.  As I had expected, he wanted to meet with George and me to tell us face to face that the TOSC program would not be going forward.  We talked of where the talents of the team could be best used, and he clarified that the changes in the company are oriented around staying simple and tax return based.  I think I am very well prepared, from our conversation today, to meet with the team on the 19th.  I plan to meet with Mike T. before then, if possible, and discuss with him the possibility of having a district wide phone list of "trouble shooters" who can be called when they are in the office doing taxes -- in essence moving the Tax Side from the Division level back to the Office level; the list creation as support for both the OL  who has primary accountability for coaching (with three other areas of concern and responsibility).  Don't know if it will be compatible with Mike's plans -- only way to find out is to ask.
Both boys came over today.  I was a little late getting away from the meeting with Mike and had to pick them up at Lee's school.  It was absolutely delightful having them together -- it was different.  When it is just Jarrod and me, we get tasks done and things put up.  The putting up suffered today -- but that is far outweighed by having them both here.  We had some rain so we ended up watching Mall Cop together -- and Josh spent some of that time cuddling with me in my chair.  As the movie progressed, he found out that couch as the better view for him -- and he could stretch out.  As we had agreed, Lee arrived and I ordered the Ceasers Pizza for us to have supper, with enough to take to Renee for her dinner.  We ate and watched.  Sometime during the movie, Josh got to feeling bad -- stomach upset -- and the next thing I knew, Lee was calling for a thermometer to take Josh's temp.  There is no way to describe what it is like to discover that there is some possibility that Josh picked up some kind of bug.  By the time we waited for a second temp, and Lee and Renee decided they should head home to await another developments.  Words like scary, or angry (at the possibility of infection) or panic or guilt or helplessness or any combination thereof can possibly describe the experience of all of us (Josh, Lee, Renee, Jarrod and me) had this evening.  As I finish this, I'm going to call Lee as I go to bed to just see what the status is tonight (it's coming up 11 pm.)  What a day 100!

Day 98 -- Hard to believe its been that long

On impulse, while sitting in class today -- the facilitator was very interesting, and was focusing on some of the participants that just had not "gotten it" yet -- I switched rings on my hands.  I have thought several times about how that ring on my left had has been there since Margaret put it on me during our wedding -- only off for momentary reasons (Surgery, procedures, etc.).  Don't remember how long I have worn my Dad's wedding band on my right hand -- a long time for sure.  I have wondered if I would continue wearing my wedding band, or should take it off and put it with Margaret's rings.  I guess those kind of thoughts were the seeds of the impulse today.  Anyway, I swapped the rings.  WOW.  They both weigh about the same: one takes up more real estate than the other.  It was as if I had just rewired my body or something.  In the brief time the rings were swapped I could believe there was something terribly wrong and out of place or I was very disoriented, or something.  What I did was to quickly swap the rings back. 
And made a decision.  If I have that impulse again, I am not going to do it in a crowd of people.  Most likely, I'm not going it.  Maybe some day I'll try taking my wedding band off to see what it is like.  Right now, that feels as if I would e taking Margaret out of my heart and life, and I do not forsee that I will ever be able to do that -- NOR do I ever want to think that way again or consider the possibility.

day 97 -- A workman's day

The calendar said that the appointment with the man from Massey was 10am.  When he wasn't here by 11, I began to get agitated.  Around 11:45 he called, and when I wondered where he was, he reminded me the appointment was for 2:30.  He was calling to say that the appointment he had that made mine go later had canceled, and he wondered if he could come on right then.  Wow,  what a shift for me.  He came and we got right to the issue at hand,  he gave me a very good diagnosis of the problem, acknowledging that they had some accountability for the way the yard looked.  He did a careful study while I went back into the cool house --- it was another very hot day.  When he came in, he proposed re-soding the whole front yard (within the driveway) -- my cost for that will be $500.  We agreed.  He also gave me some insight into Miguel -- the guy that has the route and sprays/fertilizes.  I now understand what I had been thinking was just my difficulty in communicating.  Anyway, they are going to start by spraying Roundup later this week, then get the sod in after about 10 to 14 days.  Then we'll go through the special watering routine to get the new sod established, and within about a month be back to the usual routine.  I am very pleased that what I was thinking was going to be a problem looks like it will turn out well.
Frank (the Massey guy) had not been gone very long when Steve C. (air conditioning) knocked on the back door.  I had called him last Saturday and left a message, and when he did not return the call on Monday, I called him this morning, and he said it would be convenient to come out today.  He checked both units, pronounced them in good working order -- and were just having trouble with the high temperatures we are having.  He also said that the East unit (the one I called him about  initially) was going to keep on running.  What he didn't understand was the corrosion that is inside the machine.  He thinks that unit may need to be replaced in another year.  He suggested I start saving up my pennies.
By the time Steve and his worker left, it was mid-to-late afternoon, and I finally got some lunch.  No big deal -- I had made three salads over the last couple of days, so it was just a matter of sitting down to eat.  I surely did know that I had been outside with the workmen and how very draining the heat was.  Before doing much of anything else, I just had a shower to get all the stink and sweat off from being outside.
Email brought a request from Mike M. for a meeting with George and me on either Thursday or Friday.  I checked with George and sent a  note back to Mike that we are both available Friday -- just need a time and place.  I had asked that Jarrod come over Friday, so hopefully I'll get something back from Mike, or George and I can call Linda Smith while at lunch tomorrow to see what Mike's schedule looks like.  I think I'll talk to George about doing a conference call if that will take less of Mike's time. 
Well, the kids are all back together, Christian is still on deployment, but will be back in another week or so, and Lee and I discussed what we will do on Aug.14th -- Margaret's birthday.  His suggestion -- we go somewhere and lift a glass to her.  I think that would be very fitting.  Just wish Marcia could be here to join us.
Another day with no word about my CPAP.  Did not call the sleep center today.  Maybe after lunch with George tomorrow, I'll see if they can find out what's up.  I'm not sure how much longer the sheets and pillowcase are going to hold up to the nightly dosing of sweat they are getting.

Day 96 A little bit of....

Meeting of TOSC group is now penciled in -- I talked to Al and he will be in town on the 19th so I asked  him to pencil that in.  Now I will check with Dan and email the group to see if they can make that date.
Got the correct form for DSP -- They sent me a course kit -- so now I have a bunch of workbooks, supplement, as well as certificates and other paperwork that comes for each course.   I completed the expense sheet that also details the fees paid, certificates issued, and summarizes the administrative part of the course.  Put it in the blue envelope with the checks and will put it out for the mail in the morning.
Today was another very hot day.  I was glad there was nothing on the schedule -- delighted to stay indoors and read.
 Danny called -- great to hear from him.  He has sent some responses to this blog -- but something must be incorrect in the email address.  I'm sending him and email so he will have one of my mailboxes.  He also wanted a report of my sleep study.  I told him I am wondering when my CPAP will get here.  It seems to be waiting for some kind of paperwork -- I will light a fire under the sleep center this week to find out what's up.  I am getting more and more weary to the continuous night sweats and waking up tired.
Josh back home from camp -- had to go from Boggy Creek to the Clinic for one of those long days.  What a way to celebrate the great week he had!  In his amazing way, he took it all in stride and Eagle Lane is now back to a dull roar.  Know Mom and Dad are relieved!

Day 95 -- What th'?

It was mid afternoon of a rather laid back day.  I was watching the John Denver fund raiser on WUSF and they were featuring the words and how he came to write them of some of his best known.  Annie's song came up -- as I paid very close attention to the words, a sadness and lonliness and acrimony welled up.  I wept as I thought of how much the words described Margaret to me.  Soon after, I found myself in the middle of some really tough "if only's".  As much as I love music, enjoyed singing and performing, why did I stifle that?  There are so many songs that we listened to, enjoyed, and cuddled to -- and I didn't sing them to her, or tell her how the words were what I feel, want, think, desire about her.  The memory was of me being officious and scared and trying to be the responsible one, hoping against hope she knew how I love her desperately.  As I sat in front of the tube, in the setting that was a lot of Sunday afternoons for us, I was overwhelmed by the lonliness closing in like a suffocating cloud -- and she was not here in person.  Only when I started talking to her (I had no idea whether I said anything out loud) did I start to find some easing of the pain.
The amazing thing was  how powerfully and rapidly this pain hit.  The only good thing was I have learned how to go with the flow, and realize relief from the pain more rapidly.  I guess that is progress.  I still don't have to like it.

Day 94 -- more serendipity

Today was SHARE day.  I realized that I had neglected to get the order blank adapted and sent to Amy at the church.  So I just took the standard copy, and made copies while the inventory delivery was being confirmed.  Had opportunity to observe how the integration of the online orders and the regular process worked.  Also had opportunity to chat with Betty and Maxine about their view of the process as it is modifying.  Since July was the first full month of the online ordering system and the second month of the change is how produce and "basic" packages are managed.  Overall, it was a pretty smooth distribution.
I had planned to take the vegetable package out to Eagle Lane.  Lee was going to call after the graduation ended -- and suggested that since he was close (actually on the way to his house) that he drop by and pick up the vegetables and I wouldn't have to drive out to Apollo Beach and back.  I welcomed that.  He also told me he had been given tickets to the Rowdies game tonight, and wondered if I would like to go with them.
We met at the "foot of the bridge" about 7 and watched the Rowdies.  Lee noted that the last time he went to a Rowdies game, I probably took him -- he was too young to drive.  It was a really good evening -- we finally had a bit of a breeze in the stadium (Steinbrenner Field), which made the intense heat bearable.  Sat next to Ed, and we had a good conversation during the game.  Didn't solve any of the world's problems, but good conversation none-the-less.  When I got home, it was really nice to get out of those wet clothes (through and through), into shorts and T shirt, in the air conditioning.  It was really another very good day.

Day 93 -- a real serendipity

What a way to start a day.  Jarrod called and asked if he could come over.  I had hoped he would be avaailable soon -- and was absolutely thrilled when he initiated the visit.  What a guy!!  We made our plans for the day -- projects, grocery shopping, cooking, two meals!  Of course the outside projects were influenced by using the scooter to get between locations.
We were doing some cooking -- hamburgers and "Steak and Shake" fries (Jarrod had another chance to practice using the professional mandolin)  and made plans to try out a cookie recipe (from the Pillsbury cookoff) after the grocery trip.  As we were working together in the kitchen, Jarrod said "I really like being here -- I can try out stuff that I haven't done before, and use things that I don't have at home, and besides I like to be with you."   I was walking tall after that!
We decided to go swimming next door before doing the shopping.  And the temperature while doing the outside projects made the swim a welcomed opportunity to cool off.  After getting out, rinsing off the chlorine, putting the wet clothes in the dryer, we journeyed to Publix.  Jarrod has requested sushi for dinner, and we realized that his Dad would not have eaten since breakfast.  So Jarrod extended the invitation to come for dinner to his Dad, and confirmed what kind of sushi he wanted.  He also wanted to include a package of those soy beans that they both like very much.  When we got home, Jarrod made me one of his great pizzas.  Lee joined us and we had a great dinner together.  I really am blessed.  Having those two men wanting to spend time with me sure does make my lifestyle change sp much more bearable,

Day 92 -- Another new reach out

I had arranged to meet with Bernie at Hyde Park UMC.  Because of his Chaplaincy background, plus the varying positions he has held at the church,  I decided he would be the one I would let know that I am open to establishing a relationship with a different church.  I told him that I was looking toward Hyde Park first because of the long time relative distant relationship I have had with the church.  I also acknowledge that because it is a Methodist Church, there is some administrative baggage, and I would need reassurance from Jim (the Senior) that he was willing to deal with any extra energy that would be brought on administratively.  The conversation with Bernie was really quite good.  I did get into one of my favorite philosophical/theological, and shared with his where I am in thinking about the issues of agendas in a relationship and expanded the concept with his a little bit -- characterizing the agenda hidden from the individual as a possible location for our essence, but also our dark side because of our resistance to let that agenda see the light of day.  This also has a lot of implication for the phenomena that we call "conversion" and the individuals finding God in their lives as it's center.  Probably, with some more conversations like this, a white paper may become a reality.  Have to sketch some of it out and send it off to Danny.
Bernie was most gracious and accepting.  He was open enough to acknowledge that my conversation down the agenda path was useful to him.  He also acknowledge that it just isn't his thing to go down the philosophical/theological/behavioral path with any frequency -- saying he spends most of his figuring out time in the context of the people he is dealing with in reality.  He was most gracious.
I did find out that he most likely was at the hospital around 7pm on April 8th.  When I shared the time line with him and what was going on with Margaret at that time, he concurred that he had been observing the no visitor sign.  That also prompted me to tell him about the no-clergy part -- he was appropriately amazed and concerned.  He also told me about being at the bedside when Jim Ferman, Sr. went home.
I was a little surprised and pleased with the amount of transparency I offered to Bernie.  I asked him to look around and see if there is a place he could see me fitting into the life of the church.  I acknowledged that in many ways I have already started (in the back door) through the DSP, which he was aware of.  It will be interesting to see how the seeds I planted will grow with Bernie.  I do not know how fertile and moist the soil is, but I will be looking for any evidence of sprouts.
By the by -- just before I left to meet with Bernie, Heather called to explain to me the insurance foul up, and that it was all fixed.  It was really a "wrong form" administrative issue.  I thanked Heather for her graciousness in dealing with my grumpiness over the way it was handled by Citizens.
Decided to watch the movie "Invictus" this evening.  Very surprisingly, I found tears in my eyes on several occasions -- usually when the Mandella character was being successful as a change agent, and getting confirmation of his life work.  I guess the unsettled part about what me future and life will be was a strong contributer to that.  Also I realized I had really taken a lot of risk with Bernie -- and while I was not regretting that, there is that scared little boy inside wondering if I had done the wrong thing.  Only time will tell.

Day 91 -- Is this what routine is about?

The HRB course was off to a good start.  Kelly is having to handle a complicated subject (cancellation of debt) that is loaded with exceptions.  Make the explanation to clients doubly difficult, and really requires a clear understanding and a lot of patience when getting the client to understand the concept.
Because of the problem with the back window yesterday I checked the door after I got home.  Found the panel loose.  So I left the class and went to Century to ask Tony If I needed to be concerned about the panel being loose.  He looked it, said there was not problem -- so instead of taking it back to fix it thn, we decided I would remind him the next time I am in and they will fix it then.
Well, this detour just obliterated my lunch with George in my memory.  When I talked to George later, he was gracious and reminded me that we are both subject to Senior Moments.  He asked me about a URL that I knew was on my HRB memory stick.  When I went to look for it -- I couldn't, and still can't, find it.  I know I have had it here at home -- I just put it in a place that I would know for sure where it is.  If only I can find that spot.
Did not hear back from Heather Garcia at Members Insurance Center.  Reached out to Derek to get the Manager's name and called her -- she is out until tomorrow, so I left a voice mail.  She will probably call while I'm talking to Bernie tomorrow.  Also did not hear back from Mildred Baker.  Probably ought to just send her an email.  I was just trying to be responsive to her request to call.
Did hear from the Sleep Center today.  There is some pending paperwork that has to be in LinCare's hands before they an deliver my CPAP.  She assured me that the Sleep Center was going what they could to get the task done ASAP.
Lee and I had lunch/supper together -- went to Perkins.  Got to spend a couple of hours talking about where things are with him and what he plans and hopes are.  He is getting himself geared up to say goodbye to the "get by" he has been practicing, and take proactive charge of his life and destiny.  It is a little scary to heas your son talking about being in the last 20 years of  his work life and is disparaging that he does not believe he has a legacy to leave his sons.  I know the feeling and the anguish.  My hope and prayer is that he will accept himself and the capable and talented guy that he is, and give up the justifying and defending himself.  Our parking lot conversation was about risk taking.  Couldn't help remembering Dick Parham's attribute for me -- "Just Do It -- like Nike".  I am really blessed to witness what a fine person Lee has made of himself.  He honors me by including me in the small group of those he trusts and is using as his sounding board in this quest he is on.

Day 90 -- Another first!

Street clothes all day -- Almost like I was back working 9 - 5!
Jack Shelton call -- out of the blue -- Jack called from Waynesville.  Brought back lots of really good yet old memories.  He is still keeping very busy -- running a non-profit and having to raise scarce money.
hearing aid transmitter on the right was just the wrong size.  Made a sore spot on the inside of my ear.  Steve put on a longer transmitter, and the fit is just right.  Now if the sore spot  will go away.
injection week  and  prescription refill.  While there, checked what the status is  with LinCare.  With tomorrow a full day, won't be a bit surprised if I get a call from them.
supper at Perkins -- didn't want to cook for me, so I let Perkins do the cooking -- and got some vegetables.  Good food and worth the trip.
Didn't want to cook for me.  But my cookie box is empty, so I baked oatmeal cookies.  The are very well done -- I forgot that I needed to reduce the cooking time when I use the small scoop.  Oh well, that will be the next batch.
Think I got everything right for the  DSP paperwork.  I had hoped I would hear from Michelle Baker, but I must have left a message after she was gone for the day.  Once I find out what to do about copies, I'll have everything in place to mail the packet.
Bernie called and I will meet with him on Thursday.  So do wonder where he was at the time he dated the card he left for Margaret and me.
Citizens mixup on the Homeowner Insurance -- Heather did not inform me about the need for photos to prove I have a hip roof, and Citizens did not inform me they were canceling the credit that was part of the amount I have paid them for the entire year.  Heather was not helpful -- she in essence blew me off inferring it was all my fault they had canceled the credit and did not seem interested in correcting the oversight on her part.  If she does not return my call by tomorrow, I'll place another call and try to reach her supervisor.
Massey Services demonstrated their name is not true.  When I call to find out why the no-show I was promised a return call with an explanantion.  Was not forthcoming.  Me concern is that the concerned service of Middleton went away when Massey acquired them.
I'm giving myself the assignment  of formulating a "white paper": Theme -- conflict of hidden, disimiliar agendas.  I think Danny and I can have a lot of fun with the concept.  This may be just another description of an ages old problem when communication breaks down, or there is some confusion when stated agendas are not demonstrated in behavior.  I'm wondering about those agendas that are hidden from the individual who is acting them out.
From the long day, I am pretty wiped out.  So I make a list and save the draft.  I'm flesh it out tomorrow.  I want to stay with my commitment to write every day -- and I am losing interest in my writing.  Not sure what is up about that.

Day 89 -- another first!

Started early so I would be ready for the class -- my first time to do a whole 6 hour day with the DSP course.  Had about 12 there, and Anna came to handle the administrative side.  She was a real blessing -- very quietly and discreetly handling the details of registration, form completion, money collecting, etc., etc., all of which is really part of the course.  She enabled me to concentrate on getting the message of the course across.  Most of the participants were repeats -- they had taken the course several times before ( in the case of 4 or 5 of them).  They were very gracious at the end and complimented me on the quality of my presentation
Anna left at noon -- and I asked her to send me the information about her next class, so I could get some practice with the administrative stuff, and return the favor she did for me today.  He work really made my task easier and a lot more plesant.  AND, for all the obsessing I did about making the time line -- I was 30 minutes early for the lunch break, started every until on time, and noticed it was 3:00 when I was walking out of the room for the last time.
Went to the Church Office to thank the folks that were both interested in how things had gone, and graciously accepted my thanks for their contribution to the success of the day.  As I left, the secretary called out "see ya in a couple of months".  That was really nice.
As I was driving home, I noticed that the back window had decided it did not want to stay in the up position.  It was the same window (on the car) that I had trouble on the way back from Coral Springs.  So I called Tony at Century to see if anything could be done.  He invited me to come right down, took the car, knew what the problem was, and invited me to make myself at home while he fixed it.  I left the dealership about 5:30 or so.
When I walked in the house, it smelled so good!  Nancy was here today, and she always leaves the house smelling so clear and fresh!  I realized that today was the first day in a very long time that I was gone all day!  For all the times that I have gone out for a short period of time and then dreaded coming back to an empty house -- this was not one of those.  I couldn't wait to get into my lightweight house clothes and just sit in the quite for a few minutes.  Then it was back to work -- still have to make a call tomorrow to finish up the paperwork from today -- have two appointments tomorrow, and will most likely finally hear from Bernie at Hyde Park UMC. 
The day ended with a call from Lee.  The major reason for this call was to tell me that the blog announced they had listed their house today.  We talked a long time -- it seemed that neither of us wanted the call to end.  We did make plans for a nice long face to face on either Wed or Fri.  That man has been carrying a really heavy load, and I am in awe of how he is managing.  If the only thing he was facing was selling his house -- that would be one thing.  But the whole panoply of issues he is currently carrying -- financial, professional, family, personal is such that can only show the great, unseen strength of character he has.  He is my hero!

Day 88 -- And I still have to make the bed

I did some of the usual Sunday morning routine.  But tomorrow's class would not stay in the background.  I had put off fixing the timer thing on the presentation -- got that done and also put in a placeholder for the lunch break timer.  Decided it was far more important to get more familiar with the last four units, so spend the rest of the afternoon on being sure everything was ready, and in the suitcase, for tomorrow.  I plan to be there about 8 am to check the room arrangement and the equipment.  Anna is coming about 8:30 with the participant's materials and registration.  She did not send me an attendance list -- I thought I was supposed to call each person and tell them to bring a light lunch.  I can only hope she did that piece of business.
Did the laundry -- at least the sheets and bed "sock".  Also washed and bleached the kitchen towels and the mat from my bath.  Since Nancy is coming tomorrow, I made sure the non-dishwasher dishes were done.  After taking sheets, etc. out of the dryer I piled them on the bed.  It's now after 12 -- the end of a day that sure did go a lot faster than I thought -- and I still have to make up the bed.