Many of the conversations I have had in the last two days have been orchestrated by my impatience that this process is seeming to take so long. I had a good sleep last night, and recognize that I prepared myself for it much better than I have on previous evenings. Today was a good day with many very positive things happening, and some indicators that plans laid several months ago are coming to fruition.
For me the most significant part of today has been looking at my stated impatience to see what it's all about. I have seen many people and walked with them through grief and during my own process have realized that I was only seeing the teeniest top of the iceberg in the past. I knew that there would not be a blinding flash that would follow a pattern, but probably more be hills and valleys, highs and lows in a seemingly random pattern that could could not be anticipated.
I believe what has dictated the most thought is the two meetings I have tomorrow: both of them are indirectly related to Margaret and our work together. Both of them mean moving on, and I sense a certain amount of fear of loss hovering around. I know that this destination that I am so impatient about involves acceptance of the reality that Margaret is not with me physically, and that any future is of my design. What I have not anticipated nor really seen in the past is that in order to reach that acceptance, it includes the full acceptance at a non-intellectual level that I have to live in a real world and while I maintain and remain owner of my memories I have to accept the reality that they are only that.No matter how often I visit there I will not change the reality of today. I had no idea that this would be such a difficult task nor that it is such a total being issue.
With this realization I'm going to give myself some structure that will perhaps help. I realized today that I need an almost hour by hour schedule to follow, and I need to establish some do-able goals that are more than just getting through the day. I have been “cheating” by using the schedule–such as meeting with other people or volunteering for something– to avoid setting my own priority and direction. I guess what that means is acceptance is what I do about of me as a whole person who needs contact with other people but does not appropriately expect anyone else to organize my life. (while I am dictating this, I am also aware of the struggle to find words to express what I rarely say)
About five days ago, Harriet P. called, said she had a magazine article from England that mentions Margaret, and wanted to talk to me about a couple of other things. I have really had a hard time returning that call and I figured out tonight that I am anticipating that it's going to be a struggle and it's going to be hard for me to accept the possibility that Harriet may move on and I will not have much contact with her–since most of the contract was around Margaret. I think I am just afraid of moving on, and that has given me a "reason"to delay returning the call. I know I am afraid of the uncertainty bat is around that call. If I am true to my resolve to give structure that can provide some comfort, then that call is on the agenda for as early tomorrow was possible. I also hope scheduling is going to have a significant impact on meals and portion control and diet. My friend who is helping me with the website that I will meet in the morning is going to bring me the structure of a diet he used and lost 50 pounds. That may be a useful structure for me to include in my scheduling. We shall see.
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