Day 142 -- 9/17/10 -- Has it really been 6 days?

A lot has been going on and I have a hard time believing six days have passed since I last wrote.  They have been days filled with a lot of doing some familiar things, and experiencing the reality that while the actions, or people, or events are familiar -- they are very different.  I have changed.  At those familiar happenings, I was always part of a pair -- a team.  That's no longer the case, even though I feel Margaret's spirit with me, I am still learning to do what has been familiar from a very different perspective.  Talking to a friend today, she  said that it is like missing a tooth -- you know it's gone, and your are feeling better after it was taken, but the little, subtle reminders that happen every time your tongue moves in your mouth, you are reminded that it's gone.  The analogy holds out pretty well to be so simple.  I guess that is part of what the grieving experience is about -- learning to continue to experience and be comfortable with the presence of Margaret's spirit and learning to accept all the reminders (most of them little tiny flecks that you just can't quite get your finger on to pick up) that she is physically gone -- the hard part is getting OK with that acceptance.
What I am learning is that the more I practice, the more I get outside myself, the more I realize the great treasure I have in that storehouse of family and friends who join me in the quest for us to explore how we can use that background to establish an ongoing and exciting trip to today and the future.
I've been doing a lot of trying to find words and concepts to verbalize what is going on at the core of my being.  I am discovering that is a good exercise, and that I would do myself a lot of good by just accepting the internal struggle as a part of my new being and get out an walk more while the internal struggle is going on -- then my inner and outer body will get exercise! I think I am in for experiencing another dimension of what I have known up to now about the loving self -- loving others diad.  More to come -- hopefully a little more regularly!