I finally decided that today was when I would break down and get an HDTV. I had made arrangements with Dennis (across the street) to help by going to Sam's to pick up the television with his truck, had arranged for Christian, Jamie, and Allie to come over and help get it installed. I had really intended that this would be our anniversary present, but did not own up to that until today. The day started early because I wanted to be sure that Sam's had a television in stock–and I went to the store about 8:30 to ensure that. Stopped at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, and soon after getting home Christian alerted me to the fact they were on their way.
It was great fun having the time to simply visit with Christian and Jamie and enjoy Allie's antics. It hasn't been that long since I was at their house, but Allie seems to have caught on to constant moving at high speed. The last time she was here she crawled up the steps from the big room to the kitchen. Today she walked up the steps–albeit on hands and feet, but she put her foot on each step and stood up. We were enjoying this time together as we waited for Dennis (who works the night shift) to be up, so Christian and I quickly ran out and got Alabama barbecue and after just a quick snack found out that Dennis was ready to go.
The rest of the day was spent gloriously–as far as I'm concerned–getting the big television up on the wall, watching Allie go full blast and then take a nap, Jamie and I took a brief sojourn in looking at some of grandma's jewelry, and rearranging the big room to change the focus for the new TV.
So by the time the kids left, I knew that I had had a full day. It was hard to say goodbye to the kids, and I realized that part of that difficulty was my own strange sense of sadness that came over me much like a dark cloud. Maybe it had to do with rummaging in some of Margaret's jewelry, maybe it had to do with Jamie's tender assurance that she would welcome having any of the grandma's things, maybe because I made a major purchase, maybe because I would be alone celebrating our anniversary, maybe Marcia asked me to edit something for her. Whatever it is, I am experiencing a bittersweet sense of maybe how weeks will be from now on. As the six-day lapse illustrates, this has been a very busy week. Perhaps I wants rushing a bit in making the plans for today and at the same time it just seemed right.
What made the day so special was that I asked for help that I needed just for me, it was gladly offered and given because I asked-- not because I was grieving (although that may be too fine a distinction), but having the kids here all day, letting them show care and concern for me, accepting that care and concern without qualification was for me eye opening. I think the challenge of today for me is to make sense of this week as part of the building of my new future. Not far enough along with this right now to know where it might be going, but it is still one hell of a great ride. I am very thankful and deeply touched by the caring of both kids this week, my grandsons (all of them), and the sweet innocence and great smile of my great-granddaughter. Maybe I am seeing what is really happening -- and have turned off the pity sensors. If that is really true, I like the difference.
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