It has been a while

I just finished watching the movie "Philadelphia”. Drawn to the movie by the reported outstanding performance for both Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington by wanted to see the movie for myself. Little did I realize that the movie would stir so many memories and regrets. I suppose that this is to be expected considering where I am with my own recovery with grief. I found myself asking and berating myself with why I didn't do so many things with and for Margaret that seem so appropriate in the movie. Margaret told me before we were married that my mother had told her she would have to take care of me to. I think I resented that at the time, and probably made it quite difficult for Margaret to do what she wanted to do in terms of taking care of me. She was magnificent and never let me forget that even in the toughest times we were together she was there --  supportive and caring and sometimes furious with me. I look back now and count with great sorrow  those times that I took her love and caring for granted. As I was washing shirts tonight and missed the timing on getting them out of the dryer-which means I will have to do some ironing-I thought about how I was having to learn timing that is  part of getting the laundry done–something I've always counted on  Margaret to do. I realized that just doing the laundry is a whole new constellation of behavior that I'm having to learn and that I have a superb model to follow.  I'm also very much aware that I did not spend a lot of time observing and participating in that model so that my learning would be different now.
Christian Jamie and Ally came by to sign tax papers and Christian give me a hand with the cabling to the television in the bedroom. After they left I really felt alone–and have come to realize that that's time when I rumbled through those memories that are painful and are of me being something other than what I wanted to be. During those times it is terribly hard to accept the fact that in the midst of all of that Margaret was there–loving me and encouraging meand proud of me: I never said thank you  and I love you enough. I was not a very outwardly grateful  guy–it seemed that I was compelled to stay within the shell as a universal defense against being hurt or left.
Now Margaret is gone–she did it her way! In those last days I refused to acknowledge that she was leaving and the only thing I know to do about that is to wallow in past regrets. I hope that when I read this draft  tomorrow, I will see Margaret shining through encouraging me to go on with the next adventure. Though difficult to let that light shine on me right now I know that whatever the adventure she's with me and that from this point forward it   is my challenge to care for me and make the adventure mine.

Day 153 -- 9/28/10 -- A sucessful trial

 The visit from Matt R. originally  scheduled for early morning, was delayed until  noon,  and it was very productive in getting me well informed of where all of the  investments are so that I can recognize them when reported. He also gave me a good alternative and revised strategy for handling Lee's  life insurance that the company has been carrying on him.
The great part of the day, and the successful trial, was a trip to Clearwater to spend the afternoon with Christian, Jamie,  Allie, Bella and Spike What made it  really great was that they all took me in as a part of the household, didn't try to do anything to entertain me or do something special–I just got to hang out. I took some steak and potatoes with me so that between the three of us we prepared a really great dinner together, and had great fun demonstrating the obvious need for a dining room table.

My intent on this trip was to test the drive back over the Causeway late in the evening. I was not quite ready to drive that far in the dark, so I left about seven, got home by 7:30–and even believed it safe enough that I took a few quick pictures with my iPhone of the gorgeous  sky that we had today.  Made the trip safely, and after getting into comfortable clothes, called Jamie to tell her I was home, and also pass on a suggestion if she should be talking to her brother-in-law again soon.  The trip -- both ways -- was uneventful, the food superb, the company exquisite, and the trial more than successful.   Maybe the next time I go over,  I will push the time line a bit, and see what it is like with oncoming headlights.  But then, maybe not.

It was a good day!  This morning, I was sending a Thank You and some Sympathy Cards.  In the process, I ran across the birthday card that Margaret had chosen (to recycle) for me -- one of our traditions.  I really lost it for a few moments, recovered, and continued on the task at hand.  Didn't read all of the card, though.  I know where it is, and maybe I'll be able to read it another day.  It was a good reminder that in the midst of all the busyness I am doing right now, my main task continues, and I will always have brief reminders that I am alone -- that particular kind of alone that always carries a reminder of something I treasured about Margaret.  I am convinced that my only choice is to learn to live with that aloneness, no matter what I do or where I go, or what I see.  The best news is that is not the end of the story -- just a sign post.

Day 151 -- 9/26/10 -- Wow 9 days

It is hard to believe that it has been nine days since I last posted. It seems like only yesterday I was writing about the new television. I guess the passing time is indicative of where I am in my process, and that I am recognizing  something of a pattern, and the days just seem to be filling themselves up–no such thing as just one item scheduled per day.
Just for this week, Sunday I had Brighthouse  here to replace a faulty cable that had been installed originally, and then got the new set correctly set on the wall and checked to be sure that everything was operating correctly. Monday, Nancy's day, was spent taking care of bills  including getting a number of phone calls made that were necessary for family business. Then Tuesday, I did  a  second session of the Driver Safety Program for Anna–which was in Carrollwood, in an apartment complex I was not familiar with. The person that did the first session of the course  left the paperwork for me to do.   Wednesday I started the day with the second half of the rental course for H&R Block, left there early to go to St. Petersburg for AARP retraining. That was convenient because I could give Anna her copies of the paperwork from the previous day. Thursday I chose to check with Hyde Park to ensure that everything was in place for the course on Monday. Did find out that we need to revise the publicity for these courses and change the contact number that they have.
Probably the highlight of the week was spending that evening with John and Betty. We had a great meal, but more importantly we had such great conversation. Spending time with them is always a guarantee that the conversation will be interesting and the topics will be challenging. Had a new experience that evening, I drove home in the dark! The route was familiar and I found myself doing much better than I expected–since I have been avoiding driving at night for the last five months.
Friday I was not sure whether Jared would come and visit–he didn't. I did have much on the agenda to take care of for the Driver Safety Program on Monday, not the least of which was to call all the participants and remind them to be sure and bring their lunch, AARP card and drivers license. I have 20 people signed up for Monday. That will be my largest class so far -- four  participants are also members of the CouplesClub.  I think it's going to be a really fun day.
Saturday was SHARE day. Got to the church about nine o'clock after stopping by the tire place and  arranged to get new tires put on the car later in the day. After getting all the  groceries distributed, I headed to Apollo Beach to spend the day with Lee's family which grew during the day. Christian and Brandon came in, playmates were in and out, and with the arrival of Christian and Brandon the dog population grew by three. The funniest thing was watching Brandon's German shepherd getting spooked by the turtle. Allie and Jamie arrived about midafternoon after indicating concern that perhaps Allie might have chickenpox. It was absolutely amazing to see how everyone immediately raised the issue of whether that virus would be a danger to Josh because of his compromised immune system.  The whole planned afternoon that would've involved Renée's brother's 40th birthday was quickly re-shifted to protect Josh. I was amazed at how easily Jamie handled that situation considering it was her child who might have the chickenpox. Allie  was her cute most charming self–looking around in great wonder at  the antics of all the adults. She seemed to be having a great time.
As the party broke up I came back to Tampa, got new tires for the car, picked up some things needed for my CPAP at Walgreens and finally came home. It was a long day–a long week– I was very busy–and it was fun.
I'm continuously  asked how I am doing in this process. I think I am doing well–it's just that there are so many very small but very frequent reminders of how often I would turn to Margaret to tell her some little tidbit of discovery, or gett validation for an idea, thought, question. And that really does not include finding out how much I depended on her being in the car with me for my own comfort when I drove. Samantha is very helpful in giving me directions but she is not ever going to take the place of Margaret's presence in the car.
The week coming up may be as busy–starting with today when I firmed up the partnership with Blaine for getting the website up and running and marketed. Tomorrow is the big day at Hyde Park church, and on Wednesday Matt R. is coming to try to get all of the Valic business straightened out for me.  I am hopeful that I can take steak and potatoes to Christian and Jamie's house in the late afternoon and we'll have a delightful dinner with Christian as the Grillmaster.
Still not really sure what the delay in writing in this log has been. I hope it is indicative that my routine is settling down. I find myself judging that while a lot of things happened during the day they did not seem to urge me toward writing.  It is soon coming up to six months, so maybe I will change the address of the blog, re-address some of the issues and perhaps take a bit different tack.  If anyone is reading this -- stay tuned!

Day 143 -- 9/18/10 -- What a Day....What a rare mood...

I finally decided that today was when I would break down and get an  HDTV.   I had made arrangements with Dennis  (across the street) to help by going to Sam's to pick up the television with his truck, had arranged for Christian, Jamie, and Allie to come over  and help get it installed. I had really intended that this would be our anniversary present, but did not own up to that until today. The day started early because I wanted to be sure that Sam's had a television in stock–and I went to the store about 8:30 to ensure that. Stopped at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, and soon after getting home Christian alerted me to the fact they were on their way.
It was great fun having the time to simply visit with Christian and Jamie and enjoy  Allie's antics.   It hasn't been that long since I was at their house, but Allie seems to have caught on  to constant moving at high speed. The last time she was here she crawled up the steps from the big room to the kitchen. Today she walked up the steps–albeit on hands and feet, but she put her foot on each step and stood up. We were enjoying this time together as we waited for Dennis (who works the night shift) to be up, so Christian and I quickly ran out and got Alabama barbecue and after just a quick snack found out that Dennis was ready to go.
The rest of the day was spent gloriously–as far as I'm concerned–getting the big television up on the wall, watching Allie  go full blast and then take a nap,  Jamie and I took a brief sojourn in looking at some of grandma's jewelry, and rearranging the big room to change the focus for the new TV.
So by the time the kids left, I knew that I had had a full day. It was hard to say goodbye to the kids, and I realized that part of that difficulty was my own strange sense of sadness that came over me much like a dark cloud. Maybe it had to do with rummaging in some of Margaret's jewelry, maybe it had to do with Jamie's tender assurance that she would welcome  having any of the grandma's things, maybe because I made a major purchase, maybe because I would be alone celebrating our anniversary, maybe Marcia asked me to edit something for  her. Whatever it is, I am experiencing a bittersweet sense of maybe how weeks will be from now on. As the six-day lapse  illustrates, this has been a very busy week. Perhaps I wants rushing a bit in making the plans for today and at the same time it just seemed right. 
What made the day so special was that I asked for help that I needed just for me, it was gladly offered and given because I asked--  not because I was grieving (although that may be too fine a distinction), but having the kids here all day, letting them show care and concern for me, accepting that care and concern without qualification was for me eye opening. I think the challenge of today for me is to make sense of  this week as part of the building of my new future. Not far enough along with this right now to know where it might be going, but it is still one hell of a great ride.   I am very thankful and deeply touched by the caring of both  kids this week,  my grandsons (all of them), and the sweet innocence and great smile of my great-granddaughter.  Maybe I am seeing what is really happening -- and have turned off the pity sensors.  If that is really true, I like the difference.
     

Day 142 -- 9/17/10 -- Has it really been 6 days?

A lot has been going on and I have a hard time believing six days have passed since I last wrote.  They have been days filled with a lot of doing some familiar things, and experiencing the reality that while the actions, or people, or events are familiar -- they are very different.  I have changed.  At those familiar happenings, I was always part of a pair -- a team.  That's no longer the case, even though I feel Margaret's spirit with me, I am still learning to do what has been familiar from a very different perspective.  Talking to a friend today, she  said that it is like missing a tooth -- you know it's gone, and your are feeling better after it was taken, but the little, subtle reminders that happen every time your tongue moves in your mouth, you are reminded that it's gone.  The analogy holds out pretty well to be so simple.  I guess that is part of what the grieving experience is about -- learning to continue to experience and be comfortable with the presence of Margaret's spirit and learning to accept all the reminders (most of them little tiny flecks that you just can't quite get your finger on to pick up) that she is physically gone -- the hard part is getting OK with that acceptance.
What I am learning is that the more I practice, the more I get outside myself, the more I realize the great treasure I have in that storehouse of family and friends who join me in the quest for us to explore how we can use that background to establish an ongoing and exciting trip to today and the future.
I've been doing a lot of trying to find words and concepts to verbalize what is going on at the core of my being.  I am discovering that is a good exercise, and that I would do myself a lot of good by just accepting the internal struggle as a part of my new being and get out an walk more while the internal struggle is going on -- then my inner and outer body will get exercise! I think I am in for experiencing another dimension of what I have known up to now about the loving self -- loving others diad.  More to come -- hopefully a little more regularly!

Day 136 -- 9/11/10 -- Today was Allie's Birthday party

At first  blush one could believe that a one year old's birthday party would not be occasion for gathering a large group of adults. and might even be possible to conceive that it would not be the best place in the world for someone that was struggling with  grief and forming new relationships. For me the party was an absolute smash. It was so much fun watching Christian and Jamie having a party for their friends and there were a lot of people there. A majority of the crowd was family; there seemed to be an overabundance of little people running around and it was pretty evident that there was no limit on the number of guests based on the age of the celebrant.  It was not only refreshing but for me invigorating and restorative to be in the midst of a group that was carrying so much for the little ones while also caring for each other. It was a real privilege to be there. I also was quite pleased that if I indicated a desire or willingness to chat, their response was always very positive. If I chose to quietly watch the football game, that was accepted and generally people just joined me in watching. There was no such thing as being alone.  With three dogs, and a large group of people -- ranging in age from 1 to 75, there was always something happening just about anywhere on the property. That made it so easy to move in and out of groups or just watch.
Last night before going to bed I had read some of the e-mails that are on the blog on the pages to the right, and one of those e-mails was from Scott and Alycia.  Alycia was there today with her two children and I had a chance to tell her how touched I was by what they wrote.  Her response was as if she had been wanting to ask I was doing but was afraid to  because it might be painful for me. We had a good conversation and it resulted in us exchanging phone numbers and her invitation for us to have lunch or just come hang out at their house any time I wanted to.
I also had opportunity to check with Christian concerning the projects that we had started and I had left unfinished; to chat with Lee about a change in strategy for his birthday;  Ed and I exchanged pleasantries and biases about politics and football; and I spent most of the time watching Allie as she was the delight of so many people, and as her mother worked hard to get her to open presents. I was most complemented by Allie's not wanting to put down the  “cell phone” that I had picked up for her when Jamie and I went to Wal-Mart.
The food was good, the cake was great, Allie  was her most  charming self, the interaction and fellowship was incredibly restorative, and I came away feeling that I had rejoined life.  Another first was that I for the first time ever, I watched a Florida game without Margaret, and that did not dawn on me until after I had gotten home and was watching the Alabama game.
It was a very good day. 

Day 133 -- 9/8/10 -- my impatience

Many of the conversations I have had in the last two days have been orchestrated by my impatience that this process is seeming to take so long. I had a good sleep last night, and recognize that I prepared myself for it much better than I have on previous evenings. Today was a good day with many very positive things happening, and some indicators that plans laid several months ago are coming to fruition.
For me the most significant part of today has been looking at my stated impatience to see what it's all about. I have seen many people and walked with them through grief and during my own process have realized that I was only seeing the teeniest top of the iceberg in the past. I knew that there would not be a blinding flash that would follow  a pattern, but probably more be hills and valleys,  highs and lows in a seemingly random pattern that could could not be anticipated.
I believe what has dictated the most thought is the two meetings I have tomorrow: both of them are indirectly related to Margaret and our work together. Both of them mean moving on, and I sense a certain amount of fear of loss hovering around. I know that this destination that I am so impatient about involves acceptance of the reality that Margaret is not with me physically, and that any future is of my design. What I have not anticipated nor really seen in the past is that in order to reach that acceptance, it includes the full acceptance at a non-intellectual level that I have to live in a real world and while I maintain and remain owner of my memories I have to accept the reality that they are only that.No matter how often I visit there I will not change the reality of today. I had no idea that this would be such a difficult task nor that it is such a total being issue.
With this realization I'm going to give myself some structure that will perhaps help. I realized today that I need an almost hour by hour schedule to follow, and I need to establish some do-able goals that are more than just getting through the day.  I have been “cheating” by using the schedule–such as meeting with other people or volunteering for something– to avoid setting my own priority and direction. I guess what that means is acceptance is what I do about of me as a whole person who needs contact with other people but does not appropriately expect anyone else to organize my life. (while I am dictating this, I am also aware of the struggle to find words to express what I rarely say)
About five days ago, Harriet P. called, said she had a magazine article from England that mentions Margaret, and wanted to talk to me about a couple of other things. I have really had a hard time returning that call and I figured out tonight that I am anticipating that it's going to be a struggle and it's going to be hard for me to accept the possibility that Harriet may move on and I will not have much contact with her–since most of the contract was around Margaret. I think I am just afraid of moving on, and that has given me a "reason"to delay returning the call.   I know I am afraid of the uncertainty bat is around that call. If I am true to my resolve to give structure that can provide some comfort, then that call is on the agenda for as early tomorrow was possible.  I also hope scheduling is going to have a significant impact on meals and portion control and diet. My friend who is helping me with the website that I will meet in the morning is going to bring me the structure of a diet he used and lost 50 pounds. That may be a useful structure for me to include in my scheduling. We shall see.

Day 132 -- 9/7/10 Responses

Starting with my medical appointment, the day produced a variety of responses–surprising, comforting, challenging, and somewhat unexpected. The doctor this morning listened carefully and thoughtfully to my attempt at sorting where I am in my grieving and if any of that had anything to do with the adjustment to the CPAP machine. Dr. W. is really good at listening and letting it be known that he is giving full attention. He also is a CPAP user, so I really solicit his responses to how I am adjusting to the machine and whether it is at maximum helpfulness. He was pleased with how I am doing and reiterated that he does not expect to see me again until my next routine check which is in December.
I left from his office to take the paperwork for the driver safety program to Bob and  Shirley. I got there just as they were about to leave, left the paperwork with Bob and expected that I would hear from him later in the day since they were going to a meeting. Sure enough he called later in the day to say that they need to make some arrangements so as not to conflict with the activity already going on in the clubhouse.
Soon after I got home, the mail came and as expected I got the DVD that was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, the hub that I was expecting to be delivered today, and the usual collection of magazines and advertisements in the mail. I had not gotten around to lunch yet when the doorbell rang and UPS handed me the order from the Hartford for the magazines that I want to have for the driver safety program. I could not believe how nicely packed but how  small and lightweight the hub was.
The big surprise today was a call from Margee at College Park in Orlando. She had gotten my note that accompanied the check for the flowers she put in the church for us, memorializing Sophia and Ernest, and was quite distressed that she did not know about Margaret's death. Margee has been the one to put the flowers in the church for us since Margaret's mom died and it was something we looked forward to each year because her notes that accompany the bill are so newsy and delightful. Anyway we talked for about 30 minutes-it was a good conversation. I suspect that I will be hearing more from some of those friends of Sophia and Ernest in the coming weeks.
 Lee called with information about Josh's clinic the  news was good and they're putting him back on chemo. We also talked about re-establishing Jarrod's spending a day a week with me.   Of course, that is contingent on Jarrod getting all his school work done.  I have missed having him here -- and having his flexibility to reach some of those places where I need something done, but am afraid that if  I get down, I'll have a very difficult time getting back up.
Karen S. dropped by -- she said she was thinking of me and wanted to bring me supper!  Greek chicken, asparagus, rice, strawberries and blackberries.  She visited briefly, and when she asked if there was anything she could do, I gave her the three big pictures of Margaret -- told her I wanted to give them to her, and I did not want to know what she did with them.  She accepted the task with understanding and insight, and I was pleased to get that issue settled! I could not thank Karen enough for her thoughtfulness and bringing me supper.  She also offered to come over and help me sort, clean-out and throw away.  She said it in a way that confirmed that she was not just being nice -- she really wanted to help with what she knew would be a painful task for me. 
It is such a comfort, challenge and reassurance -- in the midst of feeling alone -- for days like today to happen.  I have not covered all the serendipities that happened today -- suffice it to say I am heading to bed much richer, thankful and blessed.

Day 131 - 9/6/2010 -- It's Labor Day

All day, it felt like I should be doing something. Nancy came early because this was her only job today. While she was still here I decided to leave, with no particular destination in mind. Ended up going to the Sweetbay supermarket on Gandy, and picked up two or three things to complement a picnic for Labor Day.
Last night was rough. For the last two or three nights I have awakened at about two o'clock and for the last two nights was not able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Last night I finally got up about four, came out and puttered in the kitchen and then decided to watch a movie, and never did get back to sleep. Subsequently most of today was spent in a somewhat drowsy mode–not finding anything to do that lasted very long and bouncing from one task to another. Most of the day I had a tickle in my throat that caused a dry cough and I could not tell if may be a husk from some of the popcorn that I've fixed in the early morning hours might have gotten in my throat, or was the product of the CPAP drying out my airway.
Could I say that there was something on my mind that kept me awake–no.  Is this just  an unexpected feature of where I am in grieving? Is this just part of the adjustment to the CPAP machine? Because my nose has been runny and my chest producing mucus, do I have some kind of flu process going on? That's pretty much how the time from four clock until daylight went. I was caught up in the reality of having all of this going through my mind and did not have anyone to  talk to about it right then but I kept bumping in to the reality that the  oneI trusted to help me in these times was not here. That is a damnable reality that I keep bumping into,  and each time I do,  it does not seem to get any less painful.
Tomorrow I get to discuss my long list of items with Dr. Whitaker. Perhaps he will help me see a larger picture that can be more reassuring than right now.  Tomorrow will bring the expected arrival of my new hub, plans for the upcoming weeks for BLOCK and Hyde Park DSP and the Board meeting at Regency Cove to confirm the DSP at that location.  And  I am in hopes that my ears will come back from the factory working correctly.  Perhaps after a sleepless night and a not very meaningful day,  this is just the low spot before the it's time to get busy and active and exercising.  Just to hedge my bet, I just took two Tylenol PM that will hopefully help me sleep.

Day 129 -- 9/4/10 -- It may not be a cure....

One of the great advantages of managing my own schedule is that I could have a day like today. Christian called me late yesterday afternoon to say that his sink stopped up and wondered if I had something that could help that. Told him that we would start the day today with whatever I had on hand. He also asked that I bring up my chainsaw and blower so that he could get started on his yardwork project.  This morning I left the house about 9:30 and spent a good part of the day at Christian's house.   Some  of the day was consumed in the pesky drain that would not open up, and all of the time was spent watching, playing, and enjoying Alli's interaction with her world.
What made it a great day was being accepted and included in the goings on as they are getting their house arranged -- as a member of the household. Jamie and I went shopping at Walmart --  which they are remodeling at the moment--while the progress of our trip was for miscellaneous plumbing parts, Jamie helped me find a birthday present for Allie.  I bought her her own cell phone –manufactured by V-Tech-- which not only talks to her but also has a potential for teaching numbers and other simple concepts. We also tried out the new PizzaHut big pizza  with 16 servings. One of the great things with Jamie and Christian  is that they are always willing to try one of the latest fast food offerings. We were all surprised and pleased with the the taste and quality of the item--even Allie found it tasty!
About two o'clock I reluctantly left Evans Drive, and headed back to Tampa.  I still had the shirts to do to finish up the laundry from yesterday and had hoped that maybe the hub that I ordered would come in. The shirts were waiting for me–the hub was not.
I know that my task now is figuring out how to be alone. Thanks to the kids,  I am learning  that does not mean being lonely, nor does it mean that there is not plenty of opportunity for me to be a part of others lives–it's just very different or at least unfamiliar right now. Based on today, I say it was a good day–and a good lesson–and a real privilege to be a part of another household for four hours with something to do.

Day 128 -- So much going on

Perhaps it's because it's the beginning of September--perhaps it's because all schedules are “going back to normal”–perhaps it's the time accomplished for me to notice that  I am alone. At any rate, there is plenty of activity going on all around and I have the good fortune to be included.  Christian called a little while ago to ask for my help with any stopped up  sink.  Tomorrow morning I will take my plumber's snake, electric blower, and electric chain saw for Christian  to use.
Lee and Renée got an evening for themselves while the boys were at the other grandparents–the weight of what is happening to their house and job-search bears really very heavy on them right now. There are times when I almost feel guilty that I am so occupied with my grief that I don't do more to try to help those kids out–but then I'm not sure what I could do to lighten their load.
Things are looking good for the Regency Cove  driver safety program–most likely will happen on October 6 and 7. I told Bob that I would get something written this weekend to be placed in their monthly newsletter announcing the program and probably will make some posters to be posted in the clubhouse on the property. Also two members of the couples club will be participating in the driver safety program at HydePark. Today I got the announcement that there is a website just for AARP volunteers and spent a few minutes there looking for resources to use.
Had to go see Steve to try to figure out what's happening to my hearing aids. When I described what is going on, Steve simply asked for the two aides so he could send him back to the factory for refreshing. Old Mr Responsible was still  giving me a hard time about not taking off of my aids before I started sweating so much during exercise,  Steve just saw that as sufficient justification for sending the equipment back to the manufacturer.
Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will get a new 7 port  hub so I can hook up this ever-increasing number of devices to the computer without blowing it up.  I now have three printers,  this headset that I use for dictating,  and I need a port for synchronizing my iPhone and downloading photos from my camera.  Having a 7 port hub will make using all these things much more convenient.
The CPAP and I are getting along much better–I just expected that the adjustment would not take as long as it has and then I remember that it has not yet been 30 days–that's next week.
So there is a lot going on; there is a lot that I can be involved in and I am learning the real meaning of going on alone together. The whole issue of Margaret and I being part of a larger being and trying to find a way to capture that is constantly churning in my mind. On the way to get my ears fixed another nuance came up and I tried to send it to myself by e-mail. I think I'm going to have to get Christian or Lee  to check out my iPhone and see why it is so reluctant to send e-mail. And that is just another example of what is so different now–there are things that I would like to ask somebody to do or have somebody do for me and I don't have anyone to try out the requests before I actually make it. For most folks that's probably not a big deal--for me it is a statement of the loss of something that has been so very familiar.  John Denver's Annie's Song begins  “you fill up my senses"  and that is a clue to what I know is missing for me at times like this. My prayer is that I won't try to replace that with busy work.

Day 127 -- a new helper?

Most of yesterday was spent getting the software that I'm using right now installed so that I could dictate these messages.    I am still in a training mode, and hope that this will serve to make it possible to record thoughts during the day and then do a final edit in the evening.
About mid-afternoon Renée called and said that Joshua's test results were back and they were all clear!   It is really amazing to realize how the possibility of serious outcomes will not go out of my head and just float around in the background. Of course that also contributes to not wanting to get much done. Renée had suggested that they might come by since they had a break before going to the Cancer Center, but tonight was couples club night and I was in the process of getting ready to go to that meeting. So I missed a chance to see Josh and Jarrod and Renée, much to my regret.
 CNN had a story today about Stephen Hawking's new book  stating his position that it was not necessary for God to touch off a spark that started our world. What I find so fascinating is that this is the  “God is dead” idea resurfacing again after about 50 years. I do not know if Mr. Hawking's intent was to use this idea as a way to ensure that his books sold or as a means of trying to establish one more time the fact that we as human beings insist that everything about our world is somehow limited to space, place and time. Mr. Hawking makes a great point that there are many dimensions in the total universe and that we as a group of people spend far more energy in trying to justify our limited existence  rather than consider a less limited way of viewing the world -- which is somehow threatening. Sure do wish there was a dormitory “bullpen” still available to try out some of these ideas and get a dialog started.
What I find most fascinating is that just as I am struggling myself to understand what it means to no longer have Margaret's physical presence here that I still experience her and her spirit and I have no markers,  other than a few fragile words to try to articulate exactly what the experiences are. I know what I am experiencing and feeling.  I just run out of words.  The only thing that makes any kind of sense-and nonsense–is that I am dealing in another mode of being that we call spirit that is without time without shape and without form. So because of my own limited humanness I may be able to speculate that this dimension is real but my reality markers have to include space, place and time and so I'm in a bind. I am stuck with a limited concept of philosophy (which after all is our human way of trying to be able to explain everything). If there is comfort at this point, I am aware of that throughout the history of humankind there have been notable people who came to the same juncture. I'm at the juncture, I'm not notable, and I'm not sure where this is going. It is really a great trip, though.

Day 125 -- A new front lawn!

There is good news and bad news.  The good news is that widower-hood changes the use of calendaring.  The bad news is still -- other people still follow their own schedules and priorities.  Yesterday, I was so pleased that I could -- at the last minute-- write in a luncheon date with George and Diane.  I had been looking forward to finally meeting Diane, and so pleased that her medical issues were in control, and she could join us for lunch!  George initiated the invitation, so I knew he was very pleased with her recovery and wanted her to exercise her growing freedom from pain. 
We met at Mom's place -- had great food -- and a most delightful hour and a half.  It is amazing how parallel some of our experiences were.  George had told me Diane was "head-strong" and I very much understand why he loves her and that attribute about her.  There were many very comfortable and comforting subjects that we shared, and had a great time getting acquainted.  We left each other with tentative plans to get together again.
Got home and continued my 6 week challenge on the Wii.  I found my self enjoying the exercise, and could even keep up with the trainer.  The way it is programmed (so far), I don't think it will get boring!
Today had only one entry on the calendar -- a new front lawn.  Massey was to come, take away the old dead lawn (they had sprayed it) and put down new sod.  However, the day started with a call from Christian wondering if I could come over and just hang out.  He also had a project he wanted my help with.  Lee also called to say that Josh's counts were still low, and they were going to do a bone marrow study to see if they could figure out what is going on.  That meant putting Josh to sleep to get the bone marrow -- and raised all kind of very scary scenarios.
I called the Massey office to ask when I could expect the crew to do the yard.  The answer? "Sometime between now and 2 pm".  Soon after the call, the 4 pallets of sod were delivered on the driveway, and being the eternal optimist, I assumed the workmen could not be far behind.  I wanted to get to Clearwater to see what I could do to help Christian and Jamie.  I had fretted plenty about Josh -- even though I knew we wouldn't know anything for at least two days.  As Lee said, that is more than enough time for the malicious devils to run around in our heads with all kinds of dire predictions.
Anyway, the crew arrived -- 6 men, 3 trucks, 3 machines, and an apparent willingness to work in the heat.  They were obviously accustomed to the heat and they went right to work.  After watching them for about an hour (from the inside, of course) I put out some ice water and glasses for them.  The amazing thing was that the front yard went from dead to new green in 1 1/2 hours!  I got my instructions for programming the irrigation system for the next 30 days.  I was very pleased with their work, and they seemed to be pleased with their job.  And, after letting the water run for a hour, we had a quick rain storm that put down plenty more water!
The men got cleaned up and gone about 5 -- I called Chris and they were out getting a quick bite.  I asked how long before they would home -- and realized that if I went over there and spent any time with them, it would be dark and I would be driving on the Courtney Campbell.  I asked Chris if we could change the plan to tomorrow -- and I'm going to be there about 11 am.   Thank goodness for the flexibility on my schedule!
The CPAP thing is going well.  Last night, I got in bed before I was ready -- got up, read for about an hour, then I was ready.  This morning, I had a bit of a runny nose -- think I will talk to Dr Whitaker about that sinus recommendation line in the initial study when I see him next Tues.  I'll be sure that is on my list (which I am starting right now!)

Day 123 -- Our Anniversary

Yesterday I had baked waffles and biscuits (for the freezer) and made a banana  pudding.  So I started today with a waffle, egg and sausage sandwich with Orange marmalade.  Great start of the day, followed by the customary Sunday Morning and Christ Matthews.  Did some straightening up, stored the DSP materials and ordered some more from Hartford.
Decided to make a Chicken Divan for the week, and fixed rice with the left over "binder" from the Divan.  So now I have a rather good menu for the week.  Going to start the week off with lunch with George and Diane, new sod on the front yard on Tuesday, and expect the new MacSpeech Dictate on Wed. or Thurs.  Couples Club is Thursday night at the Moore's, and sometime during the week, I owe the Crislips a visit.
The day was spent thinking of Margaret and many of the fun things we did on our anniversary -- rarely on the actual date (other complications meant we would schedule a day for ourselves -- just not on the 29th).  The memories were very pleasant, and only as I write this is there sadness because she was not here to enjoy the movies I got for the day.  But, in a funny way, I enjoyed the day as if she were here.  And for me, she was!

Day 122 --It is a strange time

Tomorrow is our 51st Anniversary.  I have received so many very kind and genuine thanks from folks who got our 50th Anniversary celebration card.  Little did we know that rather than have 10 or more anniversaries to celebrate the 50th would be our last.  I look back 50 years and think of the anticipation, terror, and excitement that I was experiencing on that last night as a single person.  Now, all these years later, that is some terror, not much excitement and a lot of wonderment as to what is in store for me.  (I almost wrote us).  And, strangely enough, "us" is still true.  I can't go any where in this house without some physical reminder of Margaret.  I can't think of very much without an awareness that she is with me, and caring about us. 
So as tomorrow approaches, there are some things I know.  Margaret will be here but I can only see her in all the corners of my mind.  She still "fills up my spaces", and I know her spirit is real and with me.  I know I will continue to get reminders that her spirit is with others -- family, friends, and an untold number of former students and their families.  All of that is a  strangely comforting reassurance. 
What I know is I am in a much better place to deal with tomorrow than I was 50 years ago.  The difference?  51 years of experiencing Margaret's love and knowing that the spirit of that love is here to see me though what ever happens.
I still miss her.

Day 120 -- it was a rough night

After successfully completing the second DSP,  I was ready for bed right after the interview on Ch. 13 of Renee with Josh and Jarrod at their home.  Made sure I captured the teaser and then the interview at 10:30.  Sent a text to Renee afterward confirming I had captured the teaser, interview, and the interview with the lawyer from KEL that followed. 
So I was in bed by 11.  Started out with the chin strap that arrived yesterday and went to sleep fairly quickly.  Woke up about 2:30 or so, and stayed until a little after three.  Thought it might be the chin strap initially, so took it off, and tried to get back to sleep.  No luck.  So I got up, finished up the paperwork for the DSP,  sent Anna her copy of the FTE and a copy of the spread sheet that I used for that class (it is really hers), and a letter telling her about the conversation initiated by the librarian concerning materials fee collection.  Got that all finished, ready for mail this morning, and went back to bed.  I knew I did not have anything until the Brunch with Debbie at 10am.
Did not put on the chin strap, got back to sleep, and woke up around 7:45am.  So I really did my 8 hours in two shifts.  Woke up, shaved, showered, did the morning routine -- coffee only, and was prepared to leave at 9:45.
The meeting with Debbie (two hours) was very good and quite productive.  I was wanting to see how well I would do.  During the conversations, there were a few, predictable tight throat moments, but the conversation flowed and I was able to articulate some of the real "core" struggles that seems to be with me, lurking in the background.  I really think what is going on is my finding contemporary experience in dealing with so many things that for so long were "team" or "we" issues.  All the familiar coping mechanisms were predicated on the two of us -- and they don't work with one of us no longer physically present.  What I am learning is that doesn't mean the spiritual connection is broken -- it is still firmly there.  I just do not have much background to experience that without the limits of some human form or being.  And at the same time, I am trying to find a way to let that experience live with me and my human limits.  And at that point, the conceptualization continues -- I just have not words or framework to express or describe.
When I got back home, William F. was waiting in the drive -- I had gotten a call from him yesterday, but did not know he was coming.  We had a good meeting.  He brought me up to speed on his project, including the start of creating a foundation (he wants it to be a 501(c)3).  He was looking for help in including that entity to achieve his dream of services to under-served and underprivileged gaining education beyond high school.  This is very much an ongoing conversation.  I am going to pull out my files and help him with completing the creation of a no-for-profit corporation, and we started the conversation about setting up a test project probably in Appalachia -- and perhaps with Trish Brown's involvement.  We shall see.
I finally realized that my body was really trying to tell me that it was just not about to cope with the inaction I was imposing on it.  So this evening, I started the 6 week challenge with the exercise program using the Wii.  I haven't really kept my resolve to walk every day, and am going to get help from the program to put me through a programmed exercise 4 days a week.  The first session today gave more than adequate evidence that I have put this off too long.  My goal is to make the 6 weeks, and then see if I can work out some weight loss and a daily exercise program -- and maybe even join one of those senior programs in a neighborhood recreation center.  And for now -- I'm more than ready for bed!

Day 118 -- a good day and a rough evening

The DSP session went well -- only had 6 there.  Of the nine who were left on the list, two had some physical difficulty, and one just didn't show.  We also had a frog strangler that went on and on -- starting last night and continuing most of today.  The interaction was good -- not the most active group.  They had all taken the course before and were primarily there to get the certificate for the insurance discount.
Got home -- had to finish up some paperwork for DSP.  Also had to answer several emails -- some asking for future meetings to follow up on past conversations.  When all that was done, I started fixing my late supper and it hit me.  I was really missing Margaret.  There was that moment when I had to deal with the idea that she was just as a meeting and would be back soon.  And then the realization that I was missing her and something about that was different.  Yes, part of it was I didn't have my partner to "take down" the meeting like we did so often.  And yes, there was no one to discuss the calls and emails that came in.  But the missing was not that more familiar tight throat, churning belly, alone that has been happening in the past.
No conclusions --  for the first time in many nights, the CPAP really worked well and I had a good, full, restful night's sleep -- dreaming and all!  Maybe I am integrating more that I realize, and am beginning to understand what the reality of being alone, being individually responsible/accountable, and still being strongly connected to Margaret feel like.  The more I think about it, what happened this evening was that I was missing Margaret's physical presence and I knew I she is with me.

Day 117 -- Been on an important meditation break

I'm not quite ready to start recording some of the really important, though mystical journey I have been on for the past six days.  It is an interesting trip -- has to do with my identity, clarity about what is going on for me,  some formative ideas about grief (from my perspective), and finding out some interesting things about practice and form.
Tomorrow, I'll be teaching the Driver Safety Program, so will have some contact with strangers to whom I intend to give the gift of looking at themselves and their driving.  Don't know it will have anything to do with my "core" journey -- and I will not be surprised if it does.
So far, my summary is "Grief makes us experience the impossible" -- or something like that.

Day 111 -- What's up?

I'm really not sure what is going on. 
Today, I fixed myself Chicken Parmesan to go with the Spanish Rice and Succotash that I had made yesterday.  That's two meals -- with some veggies left over.   For dinner, a tossed salad of lettuce+, apples, blueberries, grapes, peanuts, and croutons.  I felt good about the meals -- at least they are fun to fix, and I think qualify as healthy and satisfying. 
Got Della Perdue's address from Jo Ann Hamby -- the bonus was getting to chat with Jo Ann and we will hopefully work together this tax season.  Sent a sympathy card to Della and a response to Ann Newsome.  That was satisfying -- but maybe brought something along with it.
Found a stationary box of Margaret's -- and found the courage to  put it in the wastebasket.  Soon after that, someone called asking for Margaret -- they would only say they were sorry when I told them she is no longer with us -- and would not say what the call was about.  Also got a letter from St. Joes Hospital reminding Margaret that her annual mammogram was due with instructions about making an appointment and how to prepare and what to bring.  I was tempted to call them up with an "How dare you" call, but then realized they were just doing their job, and their system is not the best coordinated.  Maybe some of that residual was lurking somewhere on the edge of awareness.
Had a great conversation with Christian.  He is going well -- still medicated in anticipation of passing the stone the rest of the way out.  He sounded well, and was very willing to talk about the whole experience.  Hopefully, after I finish my appointment with Mike T. tomorrow, I'll drive over to their place and see what I can do to help as they are preparing to move to a house.
Did a lot of emailing and a little calling about the breakfast on Thursday.  Seems Al will not be able to make it after all,  Dan still will be accompanying Meghan to her ob appointment.  Talked to George about Dan's request to find a home for some of the "stuff" on the Tax Side (he's moving all the gear out of Benjamin Center).  Sent an email to the TOSC team affirming our meeting on Thursday -- even with Al, we still have a lot to talk about and share. 
As I was watching tv tonight, I found myself weepy in really strange places.  Instances -- whether in commercials or programming -- of someone being affirmed, realizing the possibility of a dream, having someone to care and care for ... all themes that really hit in the midst my alone experience right now.  What I must be overlooking is the obvious.  I am reacting to my new life that has some very familiar parts missing -- and I don't like it. 
Tomorrow is really a step into next year's tax season, followed by another on Thursday.  I have not idea which way things will be going.  I will just have to wait and see what opportunities I will have to play out the hand I'm holding.

Day 110 -- Talk about a roller coaster

The day was going well.  Got the course materials ordered for West Tampa Library, finished the template for taking care of the paperwork. Also got more organization in the materials I have.  Spent some time downloading instructions for voice mail so I would know what my options are.  The outgoing message needs changing -- particularly since people will be calling here to register for the Hyde Park UMC course.  Wrote and re-wrote the message -- going to let it cook overnight and change it tomorrow.  I am still hesitating before throwing out stuff that was just for Margaret.  I know it's crazy -- I just toss small stuff that has no possible use as a way of trying to make it easier.  However, at this rate, it will take years to get things cleared out.
During the morning I got a text from Marcia -- finally.  She had a rather rough weekend because of Margaret's birthday, and still had the stress that has been a part of her life for far too long.  I sent her a text back that one of the saddest things about this weekend was that we were not together.  I really do miss her.
Did a little tweaking of my CPAP -- changed the small nose pillow for the medium, and turned off the humidifier heater.  Will be interesting to see if tonight goes better.  I think the way that small pillow was part of the "dread" that I found myself having as I went to bed.  I was up until 2 am this mroning, then slept very soundly.  I'm going to start earlier tonight and see if the changes in the machine help.
Got a reply from Web Full Circle -- they answered very quickly.  I forwarded their email to my consultant with the hope that he could tell that we had a full copy of the site.  Maybe we can get on with doing something with the Website and Margaret's written legacy. 
Decided to watch Oliver! (the movie) tonight instead of watching all the Monday night reruns.  That was a delightful movie -- stayed pretty true to Dickens' story.  I had seen the stage play in Chicago when at a convention alone.  Wow -- that started a connection to memories and "shoulda, woulda, coulda," that had me weeping as Oliver finally was given a new life,  when he responded to persons caring for him.  Way too much rubber banding to my own loss, my own regrets, my own wish I had made other choices.  All of it had to do with watching the movie alone, and no place to go for comfort.  I don't know that will ever be replaced.