Day 7 -- A busy day -- intentionally

Although not structured, the day was satisfyingly busy -- finished up the back bedroom, stripped our (my) bed and took off the electric mattress cover and washed the sheets, finished the key lime pie, did about an hour in the back yard (with the scooter, of course), fixed the sewing machine and hemmed some lounge pants that Margaret had marked and not finished (I think she had that benevolent smile on her face when I looked at the results),  puttered some in the house waiting for the kids to get back from the beach, went to Eagle Lane and spent time with the family -- they fed me, Josh and I had a draw in our Lego game and he showed me his new bike!  I also picked up the bookmarks so I can put one in thank-yous until they are gone.
The handout from the Bereavement Dept. at LifePath Hospice says it best: "Grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience when someone we love dies.  Mourning...is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves."  For today, I would add that grief has a life of its own, and chooses to make itself known at unexpected times and following surprising triggers.  Starting to do something and noticing that I could make a silly comment and there was not response.  Sometimes that would hit like a punch in the stomach: sometimes it would trigger a pleasant memory of us adjusting to my hearing loss.  Sometimes the sadness and lostness would come on as if it would never end and then subside as spontaneously as it began.  I'm thinking that whatever is going on is very much like my intuition -- it works great and is very accurate as long as I don't try to figure it out or quantify it. I'm  trying very hard to stay with the feelings without naming them, or trying to figure out what is going on -- just giving myself permission to let the feelings be and follow them.  They do have a life of their own, and I am much better off it I just nurture them and let them have their way with me.
The mourning part is getting better.  The more people I trust to let see me mourn, the more the opportunity persents itself,  and I have a choice. That's kinda nice!