When I made the appointment to go to the Credit Union, close Margaret's accounts and take care of that part of our family business, I knew that it was something that had to be done, and I couldn't reasonably put it off any longer. In anticipation of this morning, I had gone through all sorts of issues -- what will it be like; will Margaret somehow vanish; will I still sense her at my side; do I have all the information I need to get the job done; do I have the strength within me so say goodbye to this rather mundane but significant part of our relationship; am I willing to give up this physical manifestation of how we did for each other????? Really trying to create problems I would have to solve, instead of just getting prepared as best possible and then let the day come and find out what would happen. I had to affirm to me that I had whatever I needed to deal with the day -- and the source of that was what Margaret and I developed together.
Derek Yates, at the Credit Union, made the detail side of the change as smooth as silk, patiently listening to stories that would pop up, and encourage me to talk about how I had prepared for today. He was very affirmative and made sure we had everything taken care of. I like knowing that I can call him to follow up with any questions I still have.
And what could follow this experience better than Ann Newsome paying off her bet with Margaret over the Duke--Carolina game by taking me to Datz. We shared a lot about that ongoing and friendly rivalry she and Margaret had over our alma maters. When she dropped me back at home -- she had two students coming for tutoring -- we agreed to continue the bet, and whoever won would take the other to lunch: and it is very OK with me if we always to go Datz Deli!
Ann also shared some of the experiences she is having with her 22 month old nephew who is in the terminal stages of cancer. The tumor is wrapped abound his pituitary and there is no way they can get to it, other than with chemo and lots of tubes, etc., to keep his nourished, hydrated, etc. Found myself identifying with the parents -- and how they are dealing what will surely be a loss of their child whom they have been going through treatment with since he was an infant, and finding out how to accept as "normal" having a desperately and terminally ill child. Kind of like the 600 pound gorilla sitting the the corner that has to be a part of any view of reality. Most of the afternoon I was realizing that a part of this whole grief thing is I am presented with decisions and choices; all of which lead to change. Change is not optional, and the only control I have is to rely on experience, feeling, and some amount of logic from within me. In realizing this, I know how much Margaret and I would deal with change together, giving us both a much wider range of experience, feeling and logic as our resource. Then I realized that the resource from Margaret, while not physically available, it is nonetheless still present within me and still very available. Accepting that reality came with an initial tightness in my throat, quickly followed by a calm sense of presence in my spirit. The tears have a life of their own, and I am pleased that I can honor that.
So I guess two significant events today are really signposts along this journey. Life goes on, and I am getting more excited about the possibilities that lie ahead!
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