Grief is an intensely personal yet public emotion that effects everything about my world. Thank God I have so many people who want me to know how Margaret made an impact on their lives, and the lives of their families. Some are outwardly sad as they remember how she touched their lives, many are wanting some suggestion of what they can do that would be helpful. Over these past 30 days, my own personal grief has been so intense and consuming that I am afraid I was so engrossed in my own navel gaze that I did not hear the affirmation and grief that came from others as a great compliment and a sharing of humanity. Those expressions were others reaching out to me, and using the mirror of their own sense of loss and grief to reflect that I am not alone in this troubled time. Did I miss someone's gift because I was so caught up in my own pain. Probably. And I now understand all the better the advice to just let the experience happen. My opportunity is to recognize the caring and giving that is coming to me from seemingly everywhere. And this caring and giving is intensely personal and yet a public expression. Somewhere along the line I think I bought the idea that grief is something you get over. I am learning that Margaret's death is showing me that grief is a condition which we have built into our lives. If I really let myself experience the loss and the affirmation that life continues (it's just different) then I add to my "database" of both successful and unsuccessful ways to cope with the loss of anything.
I now some much more understand that wonderful quality of Margaret's -- she could cry at the drop of tear. As I now sometimes fight back tears and sometime let them be I revel in her example -- the way past the tears, the sadness, the loneliness, the disappointment, and yes even the happiness is through the feeling. I guess it is the old expectations -- the attributes of "being a Southern Gentleman" -- easily kick in and feelings are pressed down and sometimes denigrated: even if those old ways are not designed to work in this instance. Sure does put me in the mode of living up to someone else's expectations. Margaret taught me to ask for what I want, accept what I get, and give a lot of love. She did that so completely and so well. I am the much better man because of this -- and I think that is often what folks are saying to me when they talk about missing Margaret.
Jarrod came by with his folks after he finished with his tutor. I had the great privilege of watching that young man demonstrate skill and pride in getting the sprinkler project finished. Because he knows that I expect him to take care of his studies first, and takes that expectation as a challenge to be the best he can be, he also told me that he only has finals left and then he gets two months off. Why is that important -- so he has more time to spend with me -- yes, we will do projects, but two things happened today that just reminded me that we all have our own ways of dealing with our grief and one of his is spending more time with his Grandpa.
Josh got in from tutoring, and immediately wanted to know what jobs were for him. He pitched right in to help us finish up the sprinkler project. You should have seen him moving dirt! I have got to get into the habit of having my camera at the ready (or grab my iPhone) to capture more examples of the two guys looking for ways to show their Grandpa how much they love him and need him. That gets hard to do when I'm the grandpa and I am paying attention to how that feels for me -- I hope I don't neglect thanking them for their great gift!
Margaret was always sensitive to that, and I really counted on her to get me out of myself at times like that. It is no fun and a great loss to have to monitor that for myself. I'm practicing seizing the opportunity!
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