The more I take the risk of reaching out to others, and stop listening to those dire messages in my head that I am going to be turned down or ignored, the more my thinking and deciding is less foggy. Don't know what the key factor is -- I just know that somehow I'm figuring things out easier, have more confidence in my decisions, and much less questioning about "doing the right thing". There is that part of me that screams "watch out -- you'll goof up and look like a fool", and I am much more able to respond "better a known fool...".
A lot of this centers around what to do with the company, and what I really mean when I say I want to honor Margaret's legacy. I know that there is little I can do to further it -- the legend and legacy has been building for 52 years I know for a fact. From all that I have learned in those 52 years, she was only building on a lifestyle of actively encouraging people to be the best they can be, and help them figure out some of what that is for them. That is all true -- but what about all that content on the website? If it continues, am I willing and capable of providing the amount of energy, leadership and commitment it will take? I don't have many answers -- and I am continuing to seek guidance and ideas from a growing number of people who understand Margaret's lifestyle ministry.
Went out to spend part of Memorial Day with Lee, Renee, Jarrod and Josh. I took a picnic with me -- had a great time with the boys getting all the fixin's and even let the green stuff fall off the menu this time. As I was leaving, Renee gave me some more of her great Bigo -- and if you want to know what is heaven in goulash, just ask me -- or see if Renee will share some with you. Also got to inspect the squirrel feeding station -- even saw a squirrel hang by his back legs, upside down, grabbing sunflower seeds out of a feeder, and totally ignoring all the onlookers on the other side of the glass. I still have not gotten reflexive about pulling out my phone and taking pictures. That was hilarious!
My main intent was to be with family -- and mostly to talk to Lee about my various thoughts concerning the company and what was going to be the best option. I guess it has been there all along, but I am in awe of how that not-so-young (anymore) man has matured and is such a caring and concerned friend. He heard me out, drew me out, and helped me put the parts of the puzzle in the proper place. No decisions made, and he so graciously and skillfully let me know of his total support of the decisions I made as long as they were in my best interest. What a guy -- and I love him.
Just as I was pulling in my driveway, (I had my iPhone plugged into my ears -- listening to one of the channels on "Pandora") Cat Stevens was just finishing "Cats in the cradle" with the lines
"...But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me"
and I was very, very sad -- dreaded going alone into my empty house. It was only when I let the sadness take its course and realize what I really wanted him to do was to take away the struggle and indecision, and just make my mind up for me. And when that saw the light of day, I realized that I had just experienced with Lee that powerful and intimate caring that stayed with me, resisting the temptation to take over and take away the decisions from me. Only as that became clear to me did I realize that the song was right -- he was giving back to me that same wisdom I had found myself sharing with him -- the knowledge that the answer, solution and decision resides in me and what I need most right now is to know that he cares about me and "has my back". The song isn't quite right. The time I have been spending watching Lee's family interact in their home, the more I am aware of how much more he has made of any example I was to him.
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