In the course of many conversations, there inevitably comes up something needing a decision. In the course of learning to live single, it may seem obvious that a natural conclusion is that the surviving spouse will make the decisions. But how does one go quickly from a long practiced joint decision style, with all the attendant advantages and disadvantages that involves, to making decisions without a significant part of my life here? Is being hesitant honoring the memory of the person and relationship, or is it a manifestation of the fear of being wrong and deciding without enough information. Does asking someone else to help being disloyal or dishonoring the legacy? And how much of all this is an internal and inherent denial operation. It does achieve an homeostasis that seems familiar while at the same time intolerable. Is this just a game to play with oneself to avoid a reality that though seeming impossible is the only path available. How much am I just playing the old familiar "let's do that later" game that Margaret and I indulged in and now I have to sort through all kinds of stuff -- the later has arrived and is insisting on attention.
While having a rather full and busy day -- very lengthy phone conversations, trips to the mall and take-out store, taking care of some business matters -- these questions just kept rattling through my head. The stimulating subject was what to do with College Guidepost, Inc., and the 2011 clients that Margaret was planning to get cracking with in June. Well, June is upon us and Margaret is not here to determine how best to serve these students. And I am getting all kinds of encouragement to decide the best course of action. Each possible path seems to mean my significant involvement, and right now I don't believe I posses the knowledge or experience to make a long term decision. But the students (and parents) have asked Margaret to lend her skills in empowering the family to make the best decision possible in finding life after graduation for the student -- and a way to pay for it for the parents. The issue is not informational -- that is all on the website. What is missing the loving and patient guidance that Margaret brought to the relationship that she treated as if she was walking on holy ground. This participation in the student's often unsteady foray into what it means to be independent, and then learning to be interdependent was always predicated in Margaret's basic trust that the student could realize and activate their awareness of their own value and importance -- to the world and ultimately to God.
Part of my own upbringing as a clergyman was studying the many way to invite people to value and empower themselves, and in many ways, that was the mutual commitment to service and ministry and Margaret and I shared. She was just so much better at it than I. Now, I getting suggestions that perhaps I can teach that vision, or at least be an instrument to invite others to capture and implement the vision. I don't know if I can do that -- I have only been successful at that task with Margaret either at my side or in the background supporting my efforts.
All the struggles come down to this: how is it possible to preserve Margaret's legacy? Is that even an attainable goal -- or is it a cover for my unwillingness to accept the reality that Margaret's legacy has long since been guaranteed by the life she lived and the love she gave. Perhaps it is arrogant on my part to think I can do any better than to live out my life that she so significantly shaped and loved that others can see the affirmation of her vision that there is always a positive path and we have the God given power to figure out what we need to do to be complete, whole and loving persons.
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