Day 36 -- Maybe it's working

The more I  take the risk of reaching out to others, and stop listening to those dire messages in my head that I am going to be turned down or ignored, the more my thinking and deciding is less foggy.  Don't know what the key factor is -- I just know that somehow I'm figuring things out easier, have more confidence in my decisions, and much less questioning about "doing the right thing".  There is that part of me that screams "watch out -- you'll goof up and look like a fool", and I am much more able to respond "better a known fool...". 
A lot of this centers around what to do with the company, and what I really mean when I say I want to honor Margaret's legacy.  I know that there is little I can do to further it -- the legend and legacy has been building for 52 years I know for a fact.  From all that I have learned in those 52 years, she was only building on a lifestyle of actively encouraging people to be the best they can be, and help them figure out some of what that is for them.  That is all true -- but what about all that content on the website?  If it continues, am I willing and capable of providing the amount of energy, leadership and commitment it will take?  I don't have many answers -- and I am continuing to seek guidance and ideas from a growing number of people who understand Margaret's lifestyle ministry.
Went out to spend part of Memorial Day with Lee, Renee, Jarrod and Josh.  I took a picnic with me -- had a great time with the boys getting all the fixin's and even let the green stuff fall off the menu this time.  As I was leaving, Renee gave me some more of her great Bigo -- and if you want to know what is heaven in goulash, just ask me -- or see if Renee will share some with you.  Also got to inspect the squirrel feeding station -- even saw a squirrel hang by his back legs, upside down, grabbing sunflower seeds out of a feeder, and totally ignoring all the onlookers on the other side of the glass.  I still have not gotten reflexive about pulling out my phone and taking pictures.   That was hilarious!
My main intent was to be with family -- and mostly to talk to Lee about my various thoughts concerning the company and what was going to be the best option.  I guess it has been there all along, but I am in awe of how that not-so-young (anymore) man has matured and is such a caring and concerned friend.  He heard me out, drew me out, and helped me put the parts of the puzzle in the proper place.  No decisions made, and he so graciously and skillfully let me know of his total support of the decisions I made as long as they were in my best interest.  What a guy -- and I love him.
Just as I was pulling in my driveway, (I had my iPhone plugged into my ears -- listening to one of the channels on "Pandora") Cat Stevens was just finishing "Cats in the cradle"  with the lines
                          "...But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
                               It's been sure nice talking to you
                            And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
                            He'd grown up just like me
                            My boy was just like me"
and I was very, very sad -- dreaded going alone into my empty house.   It was only when I let the sadness take its course and realize what I really wanted him to do was to take away the struggle and indecision, and just make my mind up for me.   And when that saw the light of day, I realized that I had just experienced with Lee that powerful and intimate caring that stayed with me, resisting the temptation to take over and take away the decisions from me.  Only as that became clear to me did I realize that the song was right -- he was giving back to me that same wisdom I had found myself sharing with him -- the knowledge that the answer, solution and decision resides in me and what I need most right now is to know that he cares about me and "has my back".  The song isn't quite right.  The time I have been spending watching Lee's family interact in their home, the more I am aware of how much more he has made of any example I was to him.

Day 35 -- Laundry day

Not sure where the day went.  After coffee/newspaper, a fruit and cereal breakfast, and the routine "Sunday Morning", I stripped the bed, sorted the hamper and started the laundry routine.  Josh, as Boy of the Year was in the paper this morning, so I scanned it and sent it to Lee.  At one point, discovered the freezer has lost power -- maybe even for more than a day.  Anyway, I had to revised my lunch menu and check to be sure that power was restored and that was the only problem with the freezer.  It was!  In between taking care of the freezer, switching clothes, folding the laundry and putting it up, I got my lunch fixed.  Couldn't linger because either the washer or dryer was finished and demanding attention.  Decided I'd go for a walk and maybe some shopping at one of the malls -- got there and it was closing -- the stores were already closed.
Coming home I toyed with going somewhere to have dinner -- nothing seemed interesting or appealing.  So I went home and picked up all the grapefruit that had dropped.  That also meant watering those plants that are not hit by the sprinkler.  Was going to pull some weeds that were trying to take over the Plumbago and crotons -- but the dark clouds decided it was time to drop rain, and so I had a great time sitting on the lanai, reading, and watching the rain come down -- a real treat.
Came in, fixed hotdogs to be sure they were OK after thawing and caught the late "60 minutes".  Nancy is coming at 10 in the morning.  Still have to get the email out to the team! 
The day is over, I still haven't put the sheets back on the bed and I've got several to-do's for tomorrow.  Maybe I'll call the kids and see if I can bring hamburgers and hot dogs out for a picnic.  Not sure Josh can still eat hot dogs.

Day 34 -- Taking the theoretical and making it real

After coffee on the lanai and a good breakfast, I determined to quit talking about what I should be doing, and just do it.  Since tomorrow is wash day, I determined that today will be straightening and tossing day.  The fact that Nancy is coming Monday does play some small part and I did today for me and pretty well suppressed the "what will people think" motivation.  Anyway, not only did I dump files that have been laying around, I also emptied waste baskets and learned the ones would fit the liners I had bought.  Didn't make the bed though -- I'll be stripping it in the morning.  Also put all of Margaret's medication in one box - I'm going to ask the Pharmacist at Publix for suggestions for disposal.
During the day -- as I was going about these various chores, and other activities, I had the strangest feeling.  At one point, I was sitting in my chair, taking a break, and found myself experiencing the thought/feeling that Margaret would be back home soon (as if she had just gone shopping or to a meeting or conference.  This had to be like phantom pain (when one loses a body part), so I guess you could call it  a phantom expectation.  These words do not carry the impact of the experience -- it felt very real, and did not go away fast when I did a reality check.  Never knew that could happen!
Went to Westshore Mall today -- walked the circuit.  Looked at watches in all the department stores, and in the cases of the Jewelry stores.  Came to the decision that I just going to take the watches I have that come the closest to what I am looking for, get them repaired, and enjoy their new life!  After going to the Sears wall of kitchen utensils, I decided to go back to Williams-Sonoma, get the really neat ladle they have (the one Margaret got in a wedding shower has seen its better days), and also get a ceramic knife I have been wanting to try.  And all of this will be on a gift card!  What is significant about all this is I never have been a shopper -- in the past would rather go pick up one item in a store -- or order it -- than wonder around, cross pricing and just browsing.
So maybe this new life is starting to take some kind of shape.  Or at least the routine necessities are being addressed, and I am finding that gathering and disposing of the "later's" is not as difficult or intimidating as I thought.

Day 33 -- Who is in charge?

In the course of many conversations, there inevitably comes up something needing a decision.  In the course of learning to live single, it may seem obvious that a natural conclusion is that the surviving spouse will make the decisions.  But how does one go quickly from a long practiced joint decision style, with all the attendant advantages and disadvantages that involves, to making decisions without a significant part of my life here?  Is being hesitant honoring the memory of the person and relationship, or is it a manifestation of the fear of being wrong and deciding without enough information.  Does asking  someone else to help being disloyal or dishonoring the legacy?  And how much of all this is an internal and inherent denial operation.  It does achieve an homeostasis that seems familiar while at the same time intolerable.  Is this just a game to play with oneself to avoid a reality that though seeming impossible is the only path available.  How much am I just playing the old familiar "let's do that later" game that Margaret and I indulged in and now I have to sort through all kinds of  stuff -- the later has arrived and is insisting on attention.
While having a rather full and busy day -- very lengthy phone conversations, trips to the mall and take-out store, taking care of some business matters -- these questions just kept rattling through my head.  The stimulating subject was what to do with College Guidepost, Inc., and the 2011 clients that Margaret was planning to get cracking with in June.  Well, June is upon us and Margaret is not here to determine how best to serve these students.  And I am getting all kinds of encouragement to decide the best course of action.  Each possible path seems to mean my significant involvement, and right now I don't believe I posses the knowledge or experience to make a long term decision.  But the students (and parents) have asked Margaret to lend her skills in empowering the family to make the best decision possible in finding life after graduation for the student -- and a way to pay for it for the parents.  The issue is not informational -- that is all on the website.  What is missing the loving and patient guidance that Margaret brought to the relationship that she treated as if she was walking on holy ground.  This participation in the student's often unsteady foray into what it means to be independent, and then learning to be interdependent was always predicated in Margaret's basic trust that the student could realize and activate their awareness of their own value and importance -- to the world and ultimately to God.
Part of my own upbringing as a clergyman was studying the many way to invite people to value and empower themselves, and in many ways, that was the mutual commitment to service and ministry and Margaret and I shared.  She was just so much better at it than I.  Now, I getting suggestions that perhaps I can teach that vision, or at least be an instrument to invite others to capture and implement the vision.  I don't know if I can do that -- I have only been successful at that task with Margaret either at my side or in the background supporting my efforts.
All the struggles come down to this: how is it possible to preserve Margaret's legacy?  Is that even an attainable goal -- or is it a cover for my unwillingness to accept the reality that Margaret's legacy has long since been guaranteed by the life she lived and the love she gave.  Perhaps it is arrogant on my part to think I can do any better than to live out my life that she so significantly shaped and loved that others can see the affirmation of her vision that there is always a positive path and we have the God given power to figure out what we need to do to be complete, whole and loving persons.

Day 32 -- Tired of being tired

Somewhere in about 07, Margaret and I decided that -- at our age -- we would just schedule one event per day.  That really worked well (as a general rule), even when we decided to load up a day.  We just had to be sure we didn't schedule much the next day so we could rest up.  I have been trying to keep that general rule for myself in finding out what this new life is like.  The real problem is that I am getting tired of being in the house, waiting for something to happen.  And because that often involves naps, I don't sleep that well at night, yet. 
Used to be, Margaret and I would settle into our LazyBoys after supper, and spend the evening together watching TV.  We had our programs on each night of the week, and "tivoed" to ensure we had one of our programs to watch when the pickin's were slim.  Now, I turn on the TV for news, catch the headlines, and quickly lose interest.  Again, sometimes that leads to another nap --  usually short but very deep.  AND surprise, surprise, I don't sleep that well at night after that.
Getting adjusted to taking care of myself and realizing that everything is going to stay exactly as it is until my make it different, means I have to remind myself that it is now "pay me now or pay me later" time.  If I get something dirty and put it in the dirty clothes hamper, that hamper only get emptied and the clothes washed if I do it.  I am having to learn to give up the rule that Margaret and I followed -- "whoever it bothered the most, took care of it".  I must admit, that for both of us that sometimes became a game just to see how much "bother" it took on some things.  The game wasn't that interesting, and our level of "bother" became so predictable that we both just took care of various chores as the rose on the priority list.  There is still that part of me that wants to play the "bother" game, but like watching TV, it is really no fun with only one player.
So I come to the end of this day being tired of being tired.  Tired of the TV, tired of having to remind myself to do the chores, tired of staying the in house, tired of keeping myself alone.  Yes, I hear the solution.  I guess I just want to have a pity party instead of just getting up and doing something about being tired.
Outside the pity party venue, there are a lot of people who are getting a lot more active inviting (could that really be insisting) me to come out and play.  I suspect that "unlock the front door" request is queuing out out there, again.  See, I really am a lucky guy -- or in current vernacular -- I'm really blessed.

Day 31 -- Is it a significat event or a signpost along the way?

When I made the appointment to go to the Credit Union, close Margaret's accounts and take care of that part of our family business, I knew that it was something that had to be done, and I couldn't reasonably put it off any longer.  In anticipation of this morning, I had gone through all sorts of issues -- what will it be like; will Margaret somehow vanish; will I still sense her at my side; do I have all the information I need to get the job done; do I have the strength within me so say goodbye to this rather mundane but significant part of our relationship; am I willing to give up this physical manifestation of how we did for each other?????  Really trying to create problems I would have to solve, instead of just getting prepared as best possible and then let the day come and find out what would happen.  I had to affirm to me that I had whatever I needed to deal with the day -- and the source of that was what Margaret and I developed together.
Derek Yates, at the Credit Union, made the detail side of the change as smooth as silk, patiently listening to stories that would pop up, and encourage me to talk about how I had prepared for today.  He was very affirmative and made sure we had everything taken care of.  I like knowing that I can call him to follow up with any questions I still have.
And what could follow this experience better than Ann Newsome paying off her bet with Margaret over the Duke--Carolina game by taking me to Datz.  We shared a lot about that ongoing and friendly rivalry she and Margaret had over our alma maters.  When she dropped me back at home -- she had two students coming for tutoring -- we agreed to continue the bet, and whoever won would take the other to lunch: and it is very OK with me if we always to go Datz Deli!
Ann also shared some of the experiences she is having with her 22 month old nephew who is in the terminal stages of cancer.  The tumor is wrapped abound his pituitary and there is no way they can get to it, other than with chemo and lots of tubes, etc., to keep his nourished, hydrated, etc.  Found myself identifying with the parents -- and how they are dealing what will surely be a loss of their child whom they have been going through treatment with since he was an infant, and finding out how to accept as "normal" having a desperately and terminally  ill child.  Kind of like the 600 pound gorilla sitting the the corner that has to be a part of any view of reality.  Most of the afternoon I was realizing that a part of this whole grief thing is I am presented with decisions and choices; all of which lead to change.  Change is not optional, and the only control I have is to rely on experience, feeling, and some amount of logic from within me.  In realizing this, I know how much Margaret and I would deal with change together, giving us both a much wider range of experience, feeling and logic as our resource.  Then I realized that the resource from Margaret, while not physically available, it is nonetheless still present within me and still very available.  Accepting that reality came with an initial  tightness in my throat, quickly followed by a calm sense of presence in my spirit.  The tears have a life of their own, and I am pleased that I can honor that.
So I guess two significant events today are really signposts along this journey.  Life goes on, and I am getting more excited about the possibilities that lie ahead!

Day 30 -- Random thoughts based on feelings

Grief is an intensely personal yet public emotion that effects everything about my world.  Thank God I have so many people who want me to know how Margaret made an impact on their lives, and the lives of their families.  Some are outwardly sad as they remember how she touched their lives, many are wanting some suggestion of what they can do that would be helpful.  Over these past 30 days, my own personal grief has been so intense and consuming that I am afraid I was so engrossed in my own navel gaze that I did not hear the affirmation and grief that came from others as a great compliment and a sharing of humanity.  Those expressions were others reaching out to me, and using the mirror of their own sense of loss and grief to reflect that I am not alone in this troubled time.  Did I miss someone's gift because I was so caught up in my own pain.  Probably.  And I now understand all the better the advice to just let the experience happen.  My opportunity is to recognize the caring and giving that is coming to me from seemingly everywhere.  And this caring and giving is intensely personal and yet a public expression.  Somewhere along the line I think I bought the idea that  grief is something you get over.  I am learning that Margaret's death is showing me that grief is a condition which we have built into our lives.  If I really let myself experience the loss and the affirmation that life continues (it's just different) then I add to my "database" of both successful and unsuccessful ways to cope with the loss of anything.
I now some much more understand that wonderful quality of Margaret's -- she could cry at the drop of tear.  As I now sometimes fight back tears and sometime let them be I revel in her example -- the way past the tears, the sadness, the loneliness, the disappointment, and yes even the happiness is through the feeling.  I guess it is the old expectations -- the attributes of "being a Southern Gentleman" -- easily kick in and feelings are pressed down and sometimes denigrated: even if those old ways are not designed to work in this instance.  Sure does put me in the mode of living up to someone else's expectations.  Margaret taught me to ask for what I want, accept what I get, and give a lot of love.  She did that so completely and so well.  I am the much better man because of this -- and I think that is often what folks are saying to me when they talk about missing Margaret.
Jarrod came by with his folks after he finished with his tutor.  I had the great privilege of watching that young man demonstrate skill and pride in getting the sprinkler project finished.  Because he knows that I expect him to take care of his studies first, and takes that expectation as a challenge to be the best he can be, he also told me that he only has finals left and then he gets two months off.  Why is that important -- so he has more time to spend with me -- yes, we will do projects, but two things happened today that just reminded me that we all have our own ways of dealing with our grief and one of his is spending more time with his Grandpa. 
Josh got in from tutoring, and immediately wanted to know what jobs were for him.  He pitched right in to help us finish up the sprinkler project.  You should have seen him moving dirt!  I have got to get into the habit of having my camera at the ready (or grab my iPhone) to capture more examples of the two guys looking for ways to show their Grandpa how much they love him and need him.  That gets hard to do when I'm the grandpa and I am paying attention to how that feels for me -- I hope I don't neglect thanking them for their great gift! 
Margaret was always sensitive to that, and I really counted on her to get me out of myself at times like that.  It is no fun and a great loss to have to monitor that for myself.  I'm practicing seizing the opportunity!

Day 29 -- My Process continues

Early start with Jarrod as we planned and then purchased what we needed to revise some of the sprinklers by the driveway.  He is really a good planner and has a good eye for layout, detail and design.  Lunch with George was great -- Spinach pie and Greek salad!  The best part was the conversation.  Diane is recovering from her surgery well -- will still have some pain for a while.  Now it is time for George to get his hip looked at.  It was great to see him, and I am very concerned that a cortisone shot is not going to get it this time when the Dr. looks at him walking.
Very excited about the possibility of becoming a part of the team that will take the SHARE program to the next level with online ordering.  This organization (Cornerstone Ministries) is experiencing some change, and are realigning themselves -- hopefully getting back to their original mission of supporting and encouraging volunteerism through their outreach programs.  The team I want to be on is trying to get their beta-testing done during June so they can go to live ordering and paying online in July.  The advantage of the program is significant.  Each time I have cross-priced the SHARE grocery prices with any of the big grocery stores -- or the small specialty ones for that matter -- the SHARE prices are consistently about 50% less.
Jarrod is coming back tomorrow after his tutoring and we will finish up the sprinkler project.  I am so pleased that one of the great benefits of this process is getting closer to my kids and grandkids.  Margaret and I had been heading down that road with Christian and Jamie, and now I am reveling in getting closer to all of them on a one-on-one basis.
Marcia is coming the first weekend in June!  She worked it out to get here on Friday evening in time for supper and will stay until Monday evening.  I promised I would cook for her -- maybe even make her some of her mother's fried chicken--and I'm excited about the planning and preparation!
I am aware that I am getting more weary with staring at my own navel.  It seems that the more I focus energy on reaching out to others, the more I learn about my own process and healing.  Somewhat hard to express in words right now.  Maybe I'll start commenting on my own views and get some dialogues started.

Day 28 -- Something's up

Finally got a good night's sleep -- did not wake up until 7:30!  Slowly got the morning routine done, and sat down in front of the TV for Sunday Morning.  The newspapers brought cereal samples, so I did one of them with blueberries.  Good breakfast.  Josh's blog had pictures of him in his tux at the Gala.  Yes, I am biased, and he is a handsome young man!
Sometime during the day, I realized that I was not finding anything about staying inside the house in any way reassuring and was getting less and less tolerable.  Maybe it was because I wanted to see the boys, maybe because I realized that I was getting in the rut of thinking everything was about me.  I wanted more human contact, and I wanted to know what the world looks like to other people.  I don't mind talking about Margaret -- can do that almost without breaking up -- depends on to whom I am talking.  Anyway, I don't know where this will take me, and right now I am content to just pay attention and see where this leads me.
Talked to George to confirm our lunch tomorrow.  Called to see what the kids were doing -- they were going to be home so I decided to drive to Apollo Beach, intending to go by the grocery store when I got back home.  I needed to talk to Lee about some of the ideas being presented to me concerning the Website.  We had to have the conversation over about  2 hours -- being punctuated by Josh wanting to teach me how to handle a street hockey stick so I could play hockey with him.

He and his Dad really handle that puck very well -- and with the heat and their skill I decided to just be the photographer and retreat into the air conditioning.  We also went out for dinner -- pizza for the boys (and Grandpa, too) -- came home with dinner for tomorrow night, and maybe more. 
Also negotiated with Jarrod to help me move two sprinklers in the front yard, but we kept running into logistical problems.  With Clinic on Monday, and an afternoon play date, we were having trouble figuring out getting the transportation taken care of and leave us some time to work before the heat sets in.  Renee, who is the resident expert in figuring out schedules, helped us work it out.  Jarrod will come here (Renee and Josh will be on the way to Clinic) and then Renee will pick him up in time for me to get to my 11am lunch with George.  Our plan is to get started, and finish on another day -- Jarrod will probably come in with his Dad, and I'll take him back home.
I admit that the negotiations and working out the schedule was a very welcome change from piddling around the house without getting very much done.  Besides getting to the grocery store and Home Depot (for sprinkler supplies), and two appointments, I want to follow up on looking over the Ballast Point or YMCA Senior exercise programs, and get that on my calendar.

Day 27 -- A Day Off

Woke up about 3 am and could not get back to sleep.  Came out, turned on the TV in hopes that would do the trick.  Didn't work.  So I made the biscuits from scratch that I had been meaning to try.  Part of the experiment was to test the instruction that the dough could be frozen.   Experiment was a success -- and I was still wide awake.  Daylight came, I got the paper and tried to do the routine to start the day.  Then it seemed time for a nap.  And that was apparantly the order for the rest of the day.
Do a project, take a nap: watch a TV program, take a nap.  Did try the frozen biscuit dough for breakfast.  Not only does it work, it is also a great recipe to handle that way.
Not much else happened: Imade about 5 dozen oatmeal cookies. Probably going to have the Wii telling me that I've gained weight.  Fixed myself two good meals -- built around a salad with protein added.  Did get the "Before the Services" slideshow posted (the list is to the right).  Only one left is the Memorial Service.  We don't have many photos from the Celebration (Reception) -- just the slide show that was supposed to run. 
So I took the day off -- just hung out.  Looking forward to seeing Josh's blog in the morning -- I'm sure there will be pictures of the Gala.

Day 26 -- It really turned out well

Today was  supposed to have only one event -- and a first for my new life: Dinner with the Crislip's.  I had been anticipating this first outing with a couple that Margaret and I had spent time with over the years.  And, since they are also part of the Couple's club, I knew it would be a good test of how I would handle my single self with a friendly couple.
I didn't get much chance to obsess about whether I could handle myself.  Harman had called and asked if he could bring a form by that he finally got from the Insurance company.  And just as he left, Lee called -- on the way to work, but coming by here first.
There were some "from now on" issues we had to discuss, and I was comforted that our conversation was on a new level -- very much special friend to special friend.  Best of all, he quickly showed me how to get slide shows embedded on this blog -- and you will see (to the right) a scrambled title for Margaret''s Committal Service.  I worked on it late in the night last night, and am very pleased with the way it turned out.  If you look at it, and choose to comment, I will welcome your suggestions and reactions.
So after getting the slide show the way I wanted it and posted on the blog (took two tries -- just had to tweak the timing). I just had enough time to get ready to go to dinner.
What a marvelous evening.  I got to see John and Betty's new condo, and was in awe of how they have made it so much their home -- and in such a short time  We had time for really good conversation -- and I did pretty well -- just minimal mask slippage that was welcomed by me and graciously understood by Betty and John.  The dinner was scrumptious, well served, and delightfully prepared.  Because it was in the Dining Room of Canterbury, there was no interruption of our conversation in meal preparation, or course changes.  Best of all, John did not have to do the dishes -- but he said that he never did that anyway.  We went back upstairs and again I was so impressed how they have quickly adapted to their new quarters and made the new space (to them) as much their home as was the house on Platt Street.  I had a lot of fun watching the two of them taking full advantage of the  new living style they are in -- and enjoying the great view of the bay out their balcony doors.
Margaret was a part of the evening -- either through my reference to things I am having to learn to do without her, and Betty getting updated on Margaret's illness.  Occasionally I would choke up -- usually remembering my loss, and found patient support upholding me at those times.  John and Betty were really champs, and as I left, I thanked them for being my first outing with an unrelated couple in this new single life.  They were both gracious and affirming, and we all three endorsed the idea of getting together again -- outside of Couple's Club.

Day 25 -- Where does the time go?

Started the day routinely.  The Wii says my weight is headed back down -- amazing what happens when I just pay attention to what I am eating, and when. Realized I could get about an hour in the back yard-- there was some trimming that I kept walking by -- and it didn't trim itself.  So I got some more result of the freeze out of sight, got those trimmings and those that Josh had left in the wagon all in the trash cans.  Missed the timing on the recycle guy -- so that will have to wait until next Thurs.  Just had time to shave and shower and get to Dr. Suzanne's on time.  The adjustment was pretty routine -- which is a good thing. Went straight to Dr. Sue.   She is something else.  Her ability to pick up on what issues I am really facing during this time is magnificent.  She gave me some good coaching on finding ways to take care of my body and my spirit and let myself be more transparent to others.  I hope I don't chicken out -- and I am very sure that if I do, Sue will be right there to nudge me back on the path.  If  sharing of herself and her observations were not enough, she proceeded to give me one of her great therapeutic massages that is what Margaret and I went to her for. 
Got home in time to grab a snack, and prepare for the meeting with William F.  He was on time, and we spent two hours being creative and looking at ways we might combine the software he has written to help students with their applications and College Guidepost, which is a "Lesson Plan" for the four years of high school, culminating in the student finding the education beyond high school where  he/she can be successful, and the money to pay for it.  The agenda was exploratory, and William pushed me to broaden my horizons to get back to the national/international scale that we had initially talked about for the Web site, but did not get beyond the local market.  What an exciting conversation -- and can potentially provide me with a vehicle to share with others what Margaret and I learned together.
My dinner was all ready (a duplicate of Tuesday's lunch) and I thought that maybe I would get to bed early, since I was up late last night, and rolled out this morning at the usual time.  Sue reminded me that part of taking good care of my body includes getting enough sleep--which hasn't been happening for about the last 4 or 5 months.
Then I decided I was going to get the slide show done of Margaret's Commitment service.  I got started and now it's a little after 1 am and I hear the bed calling me:  But the slide show is done to my satisfaction.  I had gone by the church today to take some photos of Margaret's plaque on the Columbariam. I'll look at the whole thing tomorrow morning, and get Lee's help in adding it to this blog.  Now that I have figured out how to get the albums created, I will be using this blog to archive more of the great pictures that have come in. 

Day 24-- a laid back day

After the morning routine, Lee called on his way to work and confirmed that lunch would be possible today.  Asked what I had in mind for lunch, I had just read about the Tangerine House of Kabob in the paper.  Thought we might meet there.  That worked for him, and he said he would let me know whether 12 or 12:30 would be best for him -- had to get to school and see what is scheduled for the day.
With that settled, I went out to attack those weeds in the front beds.  Set my alarm so I would not stay out more than an hour.  The alarm did not go off -- I had filled up the bucket very full with the weeds I pulled, so I took everything to the back, emptied the bucket, put up the tools and the scooter.  Then the alarm went off.
Needless to say,  a shower was very much in order, and by the time I got shaved and dressed, it was time to head out to meet Lee.  Boy, you can't miss the Tangerine -- that is the color of the walls of the building!  What we did miss was where to park.  Only found out after we went in that we could have parked on the west side of the building (we went own the alley on the east side, and found a small lot to park), and the luncheon buffet was upstairs.  The food was ample and very tasty.  All Persian food, obviously prepared by good Persian cooks.  I was facing the TV on the wall were we sat, and it was on the Persian channel -- everything was in Persian, including the English commercials.  We definitely ate our fill.
We talked of many things -- mostly just friends staying in touch.  Lee asked what I was going to be doing for the afternoon, and I told him I had figured out how to handle Margaret's accounts in the new software, so that when we close those accounts, I will have a double check that we got everything transferred properly.
The rest of the day was pretty laid back.  I did not try to do a lot -- read the mail, checked email.  Debbie called -- she had said if she had a break she would call.  I missed her call, and took her at her word that she would call back later.  Got a really sweet note from Betsy (across the street).  She wanted me to know how much she missed Margaret and wanted to tell me when we were talking, but didn't think she could with crying and she didn't was to "put that on me".  The sympathy cards and notes keep coming in.  Marcia called and said she would be sending her flight schedule, but that she had gotten the first weekend in June approved for time off.  If the flights work out, she will come for a  Fri - Sun  weekend!  Yea!!
Got a  little snack during the news and decided to do some reading.  Got stuck in a story that just kept on going.  Took a while to find a stopping place.  Really a laid back day -- did some yard work, had a great lunch with a great guy, got the software in good shape, and curled up with a good book.
Tomorrow is 2 doctor appointments and a meeting with William F. concerning some possible business ideas for the company.  And  I have to start the day with a call to Susan to get my access to MyBlock reinstated!

Day 23 -- In the house day

Started to get outside and tackle those weeds in the front.  I had the calendar up on the pantry, and realized I had an appointment about insurance at 10:30 am.  So I spent the time getting the new software update and the appropriate categories and tags on all the transactions.
Harman was very helpful.  Had some problem with his knee -- thought he was going to fall because of it.  Anyway, he could not have been more willing to be helpful.  He is getting some forms for ownership changes on some policies, and more than once asked me to give him something he could do that would be helpful.  He is also going to get some projections on one policy, so we know what all the options are for changing ownership, and whether any modifications will be necessary.  Don't you just love all these minute details?  At least it keeps me from seeing a pity-party as anything welcoming or useful.
After Harman left, I spent most of the rest of the day working on the software and reaching out -- through the phone -- to others.  And out of all that, I now have a tentative luncheon date for Wed., a dinner date for Friday, and a luncheon on Monday.  Thurs. is already full with 2 doctor appointments and one business meeting.  Now I'm hoping I can get Christian and crew to come over on Saturday or Sunday -- finally decided what to do with those sprinklers.
Also did some reaching out to a neighbor and the guy who is taking care of feeding the lawn.  He was concerned about the way it looks (much worse than the lawn across the street) and we discussed appropriate watering.  My neighbor is involved in a fascinating program for educationally challenged people -- some of them as old as 40!
Looks like I am taking my advice -- getting out of the house, and finding ways to give instead of just receive (all be it tentatively). Also realized there is far more adventure and affirmation in reaching out to others than just waiting for them to come to me (I know that -- it just looks different now).  I think I used the admonition "be proactive" to myself.  I'm realizing just how much Margaret and I depended on each other to take the lead in being proactive.  I learned today that the more I reach out to others, the more I honor Margaret's memory -- and I get really good feelings from that!  Even made it all through songs 2 & 3 today.  Learned that there is a whole lot more in those songs than just past memories and regrets for things undone.  There is affirmation and wholeness there if I let ALL of the words and rhythms be.

Day 22 -- a new week starts...

The day was cloudy -- and I realized that I had only partially fixed the sprinklers in the front.  That will hold until I can get to the store, pick up some new pop-ups and do a proper repair -- which could really mean relocating them to the edge of the driveway.  We shall see.
By arrangement, today was a check-in day.  I had an appointment at 2 with Laura.  Helen came at one and I left her cleaning the house and headed to Lifepath.  On the way, Debbie called about the email I referred to her from CGP, and we discussed the process we already had in place for Guides.  Good conversation -- cut short because I wanted to make my appointment.
The time with Laura was well spent.  Plenty of going in and out of my grief, and explored some of the areas that, in the past, I could only observe.  Found I could move easily in and out of some of the feelings of sadness, aloneness, abandonment, pleasant memories mixed with regrets for past actions not taken.  Also did some dealing with my taking the passive (easy) way out, and learning the subtleties of trying to get comfortable with being proactive about myself and my wants.  Laura very kindly reminded me that it has only been a little over a month since Margaret died -- and I realized she was helping me alert to trying to get in too big a hurry at the expense of experiencing the newness of this process and giving these feeling plenty of room to be what they are, and relish the experience.  Also got affirmation of my use of this blog to do a daily summary.
The week is pretty busy -- several appointments: some business, some giving me a change to rejoin the real world.   Went shopping for a particular piece of software to use in preparation for redoing our personal business -- had to go to 4 stores to find it -- and did not get into a big hurry to get it up and running. I have almost had enough of hiding in this house.

Day 21 -- A different Sunday

I slept in for almost an hour.  No particular reason, just did.  Got up, did the personal stuff, stripped the bed, made coffee, got the papers, and went to the lanai.  About the usual way to start a Sunday morning.  Being a little late, time for Sunday Morning came quickly and I did the usual Sunday morning routine.  It was interesting -- but during some of the sections, I got breakfast out -- and started some of it thawing.  It got ready just after the  "we leave you this morning at...."-- the last 45 seconds of the show.  Breakfast was good and filling.
Got the sheets and a few other odds and ends in the washer and started that process.  Thought about going out to fix the sprinkler head that had tangled with a mower -- but the sun was mighty bright.  Was doing some light reading -- the story was about a Valentine dance and the songs that were played (from the 60's).  The story recorded the words, and as I read them, I was almost overwhelmed with tender memories, and serious regrets that I had not made use of songs and words to be more romantic when I could have been.  Just typing that now, and the memories and regrets well up.
Thought it would be a great idea to put that play list together from iTunes -- so I did.  At least the songs that had the most impact.  Tried to  listen to the play list -- only made it thru 1 1/2 tunes and stopped because all I could think of is how love hurts when it can't be expressed.  I hope that is a corner that I will be able to turn one day -- and find a way to express that love to others -- as Margaret did to me.
I had to get out of the house.  Thankfully it got cloudy -- rained a little bit later -- and I got the scooter and got the sprinkler fixed.  I'll know how well I did in the morning  when the system runs.
Was I over the hurt -- no.  I think I just got it back in its place after acknowledging that it is there, alive and important.  Well, almost back in its place -- my nose has been running all evening.
So three weeks of my new life are now behind me.  But the past is more alive and available than ever before.  Must be part of the "new' in new life.

Day 20 -- It must be reality

It was forecast by the Wii.  It said that I had gained 1.5 pounds! -- and now I'm 5 pounds away from the goal.  When the Wii asked the cause, I clicked "not enough exercise".  DUH!  Most of the day was spent working through all the piles I have let stack up over the last month on my desk.  Found some things  that I thought had gone missing.  Also got the filing done -- Margaret like to do that as a means of staying up to date on our expenses.  Now, when I pay the bills, I will have to remember to go straight to filing.
Realizing I had been in the house all day, I decided to go to the mall and take a walk  -- and maybe a little shopping.  Didn't take long to realize how out of shape I had gotten in such a short time.  I guess the day with the kids X2 didn't really count as exercise, although I was delightfully tired.  Anyway, the stroll through the mall was more like a dottering old man wandering.  Did find out that I could intentionally get around fellow wanderers, and could almost convince myself that maybe I was in better shape.
Got a salad from Wendy's, and before I finished it, got a looooong phone call.The caller was accustomed to asking how I was then going into a long narrative.
Now as I write this, my legs are jumpy, I am stiff, and my back will welcome the adjustment and massage that is on schedule for next week.  I guess reality kicked in -- I can't fool myself that I can overlook getting out, walking and being more active, and I am the only one who can really push me to take care of me.   I guess this is part of the process -- and I don't have to like it -- I just have to do it!

Day 19 -- Families and Memories

Already knew that today was going to be an adventure.  Not so surprising, my body said to get up before dawn to be ready!  So after a morning shave and shower, coffee and paper on the lanai, it was time to gather up tools, and make ready for the stops I would make on the way to spend the day with Christian, Jamie, Allie, Bella, and Spike.
The route meant a stop at the bank, then to Home Depot to get light bulbs (back bathroom) and spackling compound (to repair Spikes wall) and then off to Largo.  As I was walking in to the apartment, Christian greeted me and said he was going to his Dad's office the pick up the boys -- they were going to spend the night with them!  While he was gone, Jamie and Allie (and Bella and Spike) and I had the apartment to ourselves -- did lots of visiting and lots of watching Allie practice.  I believe she is going to skip crawling and go straight to walking.  She must have stood upright (supporting herself with her keyboard or convenient fingers) for close to an hour.  The muscle development in her thighs and calves are noticable, and at one point she was delighting herself by bouncing!  Before the boys got back, I got the corner repaired -- at least the first coat.
Jamie fixed her spaghetti for the crowd (it was delicious -- my kind of comfort food!) out on their patio on the table that great-grandmother Gandy started housekeeping with.  The boys, of course, were totally absorbed with either the computer or the games (whatever it is called) on the TV.  Not so absorbed at to miss lunch.  I had taken Jamie some fresh tomatoes, and a small plate ot the infamous brownies.  Jarrod got to do the quality control, pronounced them very good, and was as amazed as I on the pudding part that was totally unexpected.  We agreed that we would do them again, only this time, we fill follow only the recipe that came with the pan -- exactly.
Being a part of that crowd was affirming, enjoyable, and challenging -- trying to keep up.  Josh patiently explained the game he was playing on the TV -- learning it as it happened -- made even more amazing because it required reading -- way above his level.  I put on a second patch coat on the wall, leaving it for Christian to sand if need be, and getting it painted.  Josh told me as I was leaving that he has a thousand cards to read, (from the kids at Randal Middle School).  Christian and I agreed that he would be quite proficient in reading cursive when he finished that task.
After getting home, and taking a nap, I decided to learn more about the new iLife software -- particularly the face recognition that has been added.  Was particularly interested to see how well it handled the twins -- and the changing feature of Allie.  I was impressed.  It also made for a very pleasant walk down many memory lanes -- with lots of the family.  The Margaret collection will be visited again -- over the time span that I have in the computer, there is a virtual encyclopedia of her feelings, excitements, thoughtful, pensive and celebratory times in context.  Yes, it is a reminder that I no longer have the container of that love and caring -- it is also an affirmation of the richness of the memories that will be forever mine!

Day 18 -- I've got to get more exercise!

After working on the blog after midnight, and wanting to be up early for an 8am appointment with Matt, I started early, expecting to fill the day with a lot of activity.  Then Matt had a complication and had to move the appointment to midday.  So I got some paperwork and computer work done. Played a little with the new software.  After Matt left and I had lunch, I found myself overtaken by a nap -- and realized that if I didn't do something proactive, I could easily sleep away the afternoon. 

Jamie called, and I volunteered to go to their apartment tomorrow and touch up the wall that Spike decorated.  She is going to fix me spaghetti, and I'll get to play with Bella and Spike, and watch Allie gaining competence in crawling (and watching Mom looking pleased and concerned -- all at once)
Got clarification from the CU  about the AD&D insurance, and some more things that I am going to have to find out from the Secy of State.  I am continually amazed at how things that need attention keep popping up.  Thank goodness, the people involved have been very helpful and understanding.
Texted Jarrod that I have a full report on the brownies -- although I think he has already figured out how we managed to mess up the recipe.  Still have got to give those things away.  Maybe next week, I'll take Al and Dan some pizza and those brownies.

William F. came by to give me a heads up about Brandon's application.  He also set up a meeting for the two of us for next week.  That week is starting to get very full!
The day moved quickly -- probably because everytime I sat down, I dozed off.  I'm going to have to do something about the late hours and getting up early.  I think tomorrow will take a lot less pushing and fewer naps!  We shall see!

Day 17 -- What a day!

The morning routine completed, I decided to take care of some business -- for the company and some thank-you's that I had been putting off.  I was in hopes that Jarrod was going to get to spend the day with me -- and found out that he was behind in his studies.  Those came first.  So I settled myself into figuring how I was going to get everything ready for Matt's visit in the morning and trash pickup day.
Then Jarrod called!  He had finished his studies, and wanted to come over.  When I asked if I could pick him up, it seems that his Mom and Josh wanted to come, too.  So I quickly went from just one thing on the agenda (checking the plaque at the church) to having Renee wanting to take on the chore of getting some organization in the back bedroom, Josh wanting to do some yard work, and Jarrod raring to do projects with me.
He and I went to the church, saw the plaque; Mary made a color copy for me; Ed was not in today -- will get it put on the niche probably tomorrow.  We made a stop by Publix to get what we needed to try out a new recipe -- peanut butter centered brownies.  Jarrod is a good shopper, and a great companion in the kitchen.  We are going to have to do the recipe over.  We kinda got in a hurry, didn't let the brownies cook long enough, and added some ingredients that didn't help.  The brownies are heavy and very rich -- now if I  can just find someone to give them to -- or else the Wii will  be giving me a hard time about weight gain.
Renee took on the massive task of gathering clothing, organizing the "stuff" and finding treasures in the back bedroom (the junk/exercise room).  Would you believe a shoe box of StarWars cards?  I think that is a combined collectionon by Lee and Marcia -- I'm sure they know.  I'm slowly getting my side of the closet converted to summer clothes, and the winter clothes in the other closet.  Still have to get all the sweats in one of those vacuum bags for storage during the summer. 
And Josh -- what a delightful, open, and affectionate guy!  He takes on challenges with gusto, stands his ground in trying to get to do the things his bigger brother gets to do, and so very appropriately manages his environment to keep himself safe -- from germ's, accidents and is very mindful of keeping his hands washed and sanitized.  Josh insisted on doing a project in the back yard -- he had done a great job on the Plumbago in the front beds, and now was ready to tackle the side yard beds.  I had to stop him -- he was going about it with determination and gusto -- showing me how he was staying in shape by what he could do with the cuttings that were killed by the freeze. We had decided to have Cesare's Pizza for supper -- thought Lee was going to join us, and when he heard we were having Cesare's he was almost ready to abandon his student to come join us -- settled for the family ysking his Pizza to him for his supper.  Josh went with me to pickup the pizza and I got a most amazing detailing of where Josh can sit in the car and why -- an amazing mixture of good common sense, safe driving practices (and state law), and personal protection for his port.  He also amazed me by noting how many times he has ridden in my car, and after we got the pizza, in figuring out the per slice price of the pizza.  All this from an 8 year old.  While we were gone, Jarrod was on the roof getting all the pecan tree blossoms either blown off or vacuumed up -- he really likes that tri-vac.
After we polished off as much of the pizza as possible -- with some to take to Dad, some to take home, and some to leave me for breakfast -- Jarrod wanted to finish up -- putting up the equipment we had out -- which was a good reason to drive the scooter chair back there.  Jarrod caught on to controlling that machine very quickly.  While he was emptying the vacuum bag, Josh came out -- saw the chair, and insisted that he have a change to ride in it.  So, we set the limits, turned down the speed control, and Josh had a ball catching on to controlling the chair.  We got all the cords and other equipment stored, and Jarrod drove the chair back to the lift.  Both boys showed knowledgability and skill in managing the lift safely, and were very much aware of making sure everyone was safe.  We have an agreement -- the chair does not leave the lift unless I am there with it.
Their Dad was getting very hungry, and Renee and the boys headed off to drop by school to feed Dad and then head home. 
I realized that I was having so much fun with the family that I was staying constantly in motion with all three of them.  Little wonder, when they left, and I sat in my chair, I was soon making ZZZZZZZ's. 
Their gift of an afternoon with me was way beyond any thanks that I could give.  We talked, had fun, worked, played, baked and just generally enjoyed each other's company.  With that kind of loving care, getting through these days are not only possibly, they are filled with the promise of more days like this to come!  Thanks Renee, Jarrod and Josh.  I love you.

Day 16 -- A very active day: maybe could be called "normal"

The morning routine has become just that -- routine.  Kinda comfortable: coffee, paper, lanai, Wii, kitchen, setting the day's agenda.  Did the back yard -- the never ending chore of making the cherry laurel go away.  Involved a lot of squatting and standing.  At one point, dealing with a particularly stubborn plant, I got an inkling of what it was like for Margaret those times she could get up the steps into the house.  I had been squatting too long, went down on my knees,  and they crawled to a point that I could get secure footing to stand.  Took a break right after that -- hydrated, and went back to the cherry laurel.  Got a full bucket of weeds and laurel.
The coordinator from TBPAC returned my call.  I am on the list for the next class -- which will likely be in late Aug or Sept.  I learned that being an usher meant making a commitment of a particular number of days per month, being able to stand for 3 - 4 hours, pass a background check, and attend an orientation which includes a tour of the building.  I won't hear from the coordinator again until the class is being formed at the end of the summer.
Debbie emailed that the Key Lime Pie was excellent ("a new standard") and that Daniel had his first experience with meringue.  She was kind enough to report that he liked it.
Ran around a lot: Office Depot for paper and card stock; Home Depot for a hose nozzle for the back hose and a key for the carport door; Dr. W office for an injection; Anna's for a haircut; my favorite greengrocer for tomatoes and ground beef.  Got a call from Mary S. at PCUMC that the plaque had come in -- she is making a color copy of it for me and we arranged for me to come by tomorrow afternoon to look at the plaque and Ed will put in on our niche.  Also caught Matt -- he was cutting across the street -- he did my yard and I made an agreement for him to take care of the grass mowing year round for $80 a month (my Church pension).  Repackaged the ground beef into quarter-pounders, put them in to freeze, saving the last one for dinner with french fries like Steak and Shake.
Tonight was the NCIS/Good Wife night.  Interestingly after the busy day, I didn't really nap in front of the tube.  I was still doing stuff -- got the louvered doors remounted between the kitchen and Margaret's office.
Anna did not know of Margaret's death -- was quite shocked to hear about it, and very concerned.  I did pretty well telling her some of the facts about the cancer.  During the day today, I would "bump" into something of Margaret's -- her shoes left in the utility room, one of her favorite blouses folded on top of the dryer, planning to bag up some of the casual clothing still stacked on the Deacon's Bench.  Each time, there was a quick flash -- but it contained the catch in the throat, the reminder that she is really gone and not coming back, that I am alone, that I miss her, that I am angry that she left, that there were so many things we wanted to do together -- all in a matter of seconds in real time -- timeless as it was occurring.  I can only guess that activity is as much a part of Margaret's legacy as anything having to do with her passion for helping students.  Maybe over time, I will have that experience enough that real time and experience time will come together.  Right now I not sure I want to see that virtual experience time shortened.

Day 15 -- My first meringue!

Yesterday, I made a key lime pie to give to Debbie after our meeting.  The one thing I have been afraid to try was making meringue -- for anything.  So, I did some research, got the tips on how to be successful, pulled out the egg whites from the refrig and the whipped topping from the freezer.  After coffee and paper, I screwed my courage to the sticking point, took out the hand mixer and proceeded to beat the egg whites, which were now at room temp.  Amazingly, the next thing I knew, I had soft peaks.  Was about to add the sugar when I remembered that one tip said use superfine sugar.  So I put it in the (clean) coffee mill, made it superfine and added it to the mixture.  WOW.  The peaks were standing on their own.  Putting it on the pie was a snap -- just haven't figured out how to make those swirls and peaks -- put it under the broiler to brown and the job was complete.  Debbie said it looked yummy when I presented it to her.
The brunch was delightful with much talk about what will be the most appropriate ways to keep Margaret's legacy alive and possibly growing.  Nothing definite.  Had lots of fun with ideas.  On the way out of VI stopped and talked to Max and Oscar who were there for brunch.  Debbie and I came back to the house, I made sure she still had full access to the Web site, and asked her to look over the site with our discussion as the background.  She agreed.
Rich was here for the routine termite inspection. Found some possible infestation (dry wood) somewhere around the back door.  Will send someone out to take care of it.  He gave good advice about the upcoming renewal bill that I got.  Also got through to the State Retirement folks.  They were very nice and helpful.  Very clearly spelled out how the changeover will be handled -- I'll have that pension for the rest of my life!  Also emailed Anna of AARP and left a message for Gloria at TBPAC about ushering.
It was hot outside, so I waited until evening to get to those weeds in the front beds.  Thought I could get a least one side done -- but either there were more weeds than I expected, or I burned some of the daylight in taking to two neighbors.  The weeds will be there tomorrow -- so will the neighbors, but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to thank them for their concern and find out what is new in their world.
Beginning to notice that I am getting more cryptic in talking about how I am doing, and far more interested in finding out what the person I am talking to sees as important.  Not sure what that means, or what is really happening.  I still treasure the contact, and think that a lot of the details about my journey are important to me, but to others, they are much more wanting to share themselves with me.  I have always seen that at a holy invitation, and I guess I am rediscovering just how important and sacred that gift really is.  It is also fitting that this re-discovery occurs on the same day as my first meringue.

Day 14 -- Chores

The first Mother's Day with no mother in sight.  Guess I counted on vicariously experiencing Mother's Day by knowing the kids were doing the celebrating for me.  Just read Josh's blog -- and got confirmation.
After coffee and the paper on the lanai, I got started on the list I wanted to accomplish today.  Sorted the three loads of laundry, got one started.  Then getting the scooter off the lift so I could get the trash and the masher to the big blue can.  That goes to the street in the morning.  It was time for Sunday Morning so I spent the 1 1/2 hours with commercials for seeing how the washing was going, and whether any other emails had come in. With the scooter back in place, and the bed made, started load #2, and put #1 in the dryer.  This one is the shirts, so I had to pay attention to the dry cycle when I get that transfer made.  Checked to be sure where I was in the list to send pictures, and finished the list.  Heard from Bill with his notes from the Celebration. Folded the dryer, put the shirts in and started the last load. 
Had three items on the food prep list:  Made lunch for me -- cooked the sweet potatoes that were about to be overdue, mashed them with butter and cinnamon sugar.  Made a salad of spring greens, feta, Gorgonzola, peanuts, carrots and Vadalia dressing.  Got out one of the packages of outside pork BBQ from BJ's to round out the plate.  Rather colorful and very tasty.  Realized I had all the ingredients for Hot Chicken Salad -- except the celery -- so I got the chicken out of the freezer, thawed it, and put it in to cook.  Also put on the rice to be ready at the same time.  Put it all together, after cutting up the chicken, and put it in the oven to bake.  Only one more item on the list -- key lime pie.  Hope Debbie will be willing to take that in place of filling up her casserole dish that she brought the baked ziti and cheese in.  Maybe in the morning I'll try to make meringue -- maybe not.  Saved the egg white to do that -- and may start that off by just making the meringue "candy".
During all this, got the washing machine emptied, the dryer hung up and folded, and all the laundry put away.  Little wonder that by that time, I had a busy day, and took care of some straightening up, till Jesse Stone came on the telly.  Think I missed some of the story line -- for some reason I took more than one nap.
Looks like I used the chores as a way of filling a day that I didn't really know what to do with.  Just got a text message, so I'll sign off till tomorrow.  Bet it's Marcia.

Day 13 -- Just a month ago -- seems like yesterday or a long time ago.

No matter how hard I pushed, I just couldn't get all the things in that I am trying to make routine.  Did do the Wii and the coffee and paper on the lanai, did fix breakfast (found a new banana bread mix -- almost as good as mine).  It was pretty warm on the lanai, and I could not find any back yard projects in the shade.  So I decided to see if I could get the computer to upload the pictures Buzzy took of the Celebration.   Uploading the text that was part of the handout will be rather simple.  Finally after spending way too much time on trying to make the machine do what I wanted, and checking in with my consultant (Lee), I realized that I needed to upgrade my software in order to handle the job as simply as Lee said it is.  Went to Publix to pick up a prescription and some milk and eggs.
Thought a lot about April 8th.  Plundered through drawers looking for the peridot -- but mostly to physically touch all that I have left of Margaret.  No great discoveries, some fussing at myself for not taking her out more, and finding great memories of stuff she kept so she would always look good when she left the house.  Also found a lot of things that justified the "old fashioned" accolade.
Accepted Liz K.'s invitation to dinner in the next week or so, talked to Debbie -- we're having brunch on Monday, have several post-a-notes for things to do on Monday in addition to Brunch with Debbie and the termite man coming to inspect. Hard to believe it has been a year since they treated the house. Maxine S. called to see how I was doing and thanking me for dropping off the paperwork.  She wants to be sure I know they still want me to be part of the Couples Club (I'm hosting in July), and they need me to be more active in SHARE.
So, it was a good day -- mostly indoors: a very sad day for a one-month anniversary.  Maybe tomorrow I'll go hang out with the kids in Apollo Beach -- if I can fit into their social calendar!

Day 12 -- Hey Marcia -- it worked!

The fairly lengthy conversation with Marcia -- while I was waiting for Lee to come let me into the house -- sunk in overnight. I realized that I was confusing alone with waiting for someone to push me into something besides sitting around. Also realized that I was really the only one who could handle that chore.
So....today was an intentionally busy day as I tried out a variety of things that could become a routine part of my day. Started with the Wii -- weight is down slightly (I have been on a reduced eating plan -- focusing mostly on veggies and other healthy stuff). Then coffee and the paper on the lanai -- looking over the yard and enjoying the weather. While looking, I decided what the project of the day would be. Ate breakfast -- again trying to focus on the nutritious (honey nut cheerios and blueberries with milk), caught a little TV news (not long and not very interesting). Then the backyard. Emptied the yard wagon into the cans, swept the slab, picked up the fallen grapefruit, and fixed the access for the scooter to get to the lift without miring down in the sand.
Soon after getting back into the house, the mail came -- a couple of really nice cards (and some business, of course). Last evening I made some business cards for the blog and the memories site -- they looked cheap, so I redid them with graphics and color. Ended up pretty good. Send L.James some bookmarks and cards -- in the mail was his apology for not making it to the Memorial service, and some very caring support.
Decided to bake a loaf of Banana Nut bread -- had picked up a box from the Seattle Krusteez group. By this time I was ready for a late lunch -- veggies and a grilled cheese/hot dog sandwich. OK the sandwich wasn't on the healthy list, but the veggies (green beans and baked beans from BJ's) were -- kinda. I also had to do a quality control sample of the warm bread. That meal, of course, called for a nap -- and it wasn't a long one.
I'd meant to take some paperwork to Oscar last night, but that didn't happen. So I got out the compressor, pumped up my bicycle tires, and rode my bike to Oscar's house. By car, it would be about 3 blocks. But I wasn't going to ride on Lois, so I took a route that made the trip about 20 blocks (the back way and intentionally long). For an old man, I did pretty well. A Mom was walking with her little daughter who was learning to ride her little bike with training wheels. When I passed them (going in the opposite direction) the little girl giggled. I kinda sat up straighter and sucked in my gut just a little. It was a good ride and I felt surprisingly energized when I got home, parked the bike, put up the compressor, and went inside.
Had some desk work to finish (still haven't gotten the pix distributed: that's for tomorrow, then caught some of the news and of course the final round of the Jeopardy Celebrity challenge. As I think back on the day, there was very little time of just sitting around doing nothing. Everything that happened was interesting and repeatable. And, just as I was climbing into bed, I realized I had not written in the blog so I came back out to follow my commitment to write every day.
You know, Marcia -- that straight talking and direct feed back you did last night was really effective. You jogged me off dead center, I took charge of the day, thought of you and celebrated the time we had together while you were here.

Day 11 -- But it really depends on the routine

Woke up at about 3 am -- couldn't get back to sleep till after 5.  Then my alarm work me at 7.  Unfortunately, the routine is still fuzzy enough that I spent most of the morning napping.  After a little fussing at myself for taking the passive way to deal with what was going on, I got some paperwork done that I had been putting off and then started preparing for Couples Club that is meeting at the Spall's tonight.  Got myself cleaned up -- rehearsing going to the meeting and deciding how much I was willing to share about Margaret's illness.  I got some cards ready with the memories address and this blog address, in case anyone wanted the information -- and took along some bookmarks.
Just as I closed the backdoor behind me, after being sure the knob was locked, I realized that  my car keys and house keys were still in the house.  Unfortunately, I had thrown the deadbolt on the front door, so the new key pad lock was of little use.  Called Lee -- thank goodness he was in town and was just starting his new class -- to see if he could come use his key to let me back in.  Starting a new class with new students meant that I got some very good thinking and sorting time sitting on the lanai (back porch) with that fan I installed just for this purpose several months ago. 
I was very fortunate that I had to wait.  Missed the Couples Club.  Probably had worked myself up to a higher level of concern than I realized -- so little wonder that I "accidentally" locked myself out.  For the record -- spare keys are now in place, and  can be reached with all three dead bolts thrown.  Lee was a real champ to get his students occupied, and  take a quick break to come unlock the door. Just sitting for about three hours was a good thing.  I had to deal with my own inner resources.  Called Meg and had a very good conversation with her.  She very skillfully feeds me back to me -- sometimes not as gently as her Mom would -- but none-the-less very effective in helping me see me.  Realized I am staying alone too much, and instead of using the energy that is generated by being alone, I just take the depressive route, believe there is nothing I can do,  or doing something would be too much trouble.  I made up my mind to find more ways to get out of the house; reminded myself that I was going to use the Wii for exercise in the morning and then do about an hour in the yard.  That is the routine that brings freedom -- and contributes to the juices to use my energy creatively instead of passively.  We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Day 10 -- There is freedom in routine

That appointment with Matt R. (moved from Mon at 2pm) was set for 8am.  My memory had it at 2pm.  When he came in, he realized I had trusted my memory instead of checking the calendar.  It ended up being a good thing -- we got the business done we needed -- Matt stuck with me until we could get the necessary phone calls made and all the paperwork completed.
Steve S. called to tell me he had gotten an extra power supply for my Tek (hearing aid device that makes remote control and Bluetooth possible) and I told him I was going to call him to get my  aid adjusted.  He had 2pm available -- and I took it.
Barely got some breakfast (finally), realized this was a weepy moring, when Dan H. called -- Al wanted some of that S.Tampa Pizza (Cesare's New York Pizzera) -- so I got dressed, called in the order, picked up the pizzas and went to the TOSC to have lunch with Dan and Al and the rest of the crew.  Great outing -- and had to leave in a hurry to make the 2pm with Steve.  Talk about memory skips -- for one of the very few times since I got it, I left my iPhone at home.  Felt a little naked since I count of it to be my watch, along with all its other features.  Oh well, that will serve as a good reminder -- as you might guess, I counted on Margaret running a list as I was leaving the house: glasses, keys, ears, Tek, phone.  Such as casual and simple thing -- and I have to get used to running that list for myself without prompting.  I don't like that!
A routine seems to be getting established -- still a little ragged -- but none-the-less a framework for responding to impulsive ideas and unexpected invitations.  Big difference -- I don't have someone to "run it by" to see if I overlooked anything.  Can't work sharing into that -- no matter how much I want to.
Lee came by tonight, picked up Renee's birthday card so she will have it tomorrow.  He also showed me how to get photos into the blog.  I'm spending some of my writing time tonight practicing how to make use of the photos -- and plan to post all the pix from the three events for Margaret, and the printed handouts.  That will make possible sharing some of that with tabs at the top of the blog.  We'll see how that works out.
The day started as a weepy day -- after Matt left.  I forced myself to stay with the weeping, to experience it fully and see where it took me.  Thank goodness, Dan's call kept be from playing too many head games with what was going on.  Thanks, Dan: I needed that!  I'm still amazed at  folks being really interested in knowing how I coping.  That is very special!

Day 9 -- Is there some order coming in the choas?

Just read Joshua's blog -- don't know about him, but I'm worn out!
Christian, Jamie and Allie spend a good part of the day, hanging out with Grandpa.  Allie is catching on how to wrap the men in her life around her little finger, with nothing more than a very deep gaze and a cute smile or pucker.  It is truly a wonder how the nonverbal interaction is so expressive -- and Allie does a good job of keeping some of the communication to herself -- so onlookers are always guessing.  Missy came by to drop off a letter -- she had tried to confuse the Post Office with the number of the house.  I really didn't understand why they could not deliver it to the house -- she knew where it was and silly little things like a string of numbers shouldn't make that much difference.  It was great fun answering the door holding Allie -- who wasn't sure who this new face was -- but when she looked at her Grandpa, she would smile.

Also took Allie for a ride in the scooter -- she was very ready to drive it and thought it was great fun standing on the footrest and bouncing around the back yard.
Lunch with the kids was special --  just because we were together and Allie was playful and talkative (not making words just yet, though she has been known to say the ever popular "da-da" and "ma-ma").  Of course, it is her nature to not do those kind of things on demand: only when she wants to!
Showed the kids the pix that Buzzy sent.  Made them into a slide show with some background music.  A first -- I was able to look at the picture of the Urn (box) with only a small catch in my throat.  The pictures are really great, and capture the full range of emotion that was part of the celebration.  Looked at the slide show again after the kids left -- and realized the my new friends lost and alone are still very present and accounted for.  Didn't help that I also merged some pix from Josh's seventh birthday that caught Grandma is several loving poses.   Later watched our favorite TV shows -- thank goodness her Lazyboy is still in the living room -- it was a little easier looking over and not seeing her.
I hope that when Lee comes by tomorrow he will help me upload some pictures and documents.  I expect to create some pages on this blog with the pix from the three events, the handouts, and still have room to archive other things. 
 Wish I had Danny's and Lee's skills in using words to express this wild world of feeling I am experiencing.  Maybe that will come with time.  Till then, I'm trying to stay in the moment and let every feeling have its time and presence.  May be a little wacky,  and interfering with clear and linear thinking, but I have a right to be wacky -- that is part of me right now.

Day 8 -- another busy day -- accidentally

Almost overscheduled myself.  Jim P. came by early this morning on his way to Orlando.  We did some catching up, updating, looking at some of the things on Margaret's Bucket list.  Jim took the wedding dress with him -- thinking about restoring it, featuring it on the wedding dress web site, and them putting it on display at Acme Cleaners.  Jim confirmed that there are still folks who ask about Ernie, and would be pleased to see this connection with him.  We also talked about meeting in Cedar Key and taking some things to the museum.
I had very little time to just be alone -- Nancy called to make her bi-weekly housekeeping appointment, and soon after that the kids came for lunch.  Josh was so proud of his autographed  hockey stick, and wanted to tell me all about it.  Our plans to make the Monday lunch a healthy one did not quite work.  While there was delicious homemade soup, Josh had his Mac and Cheese, and after two bowl of soup, Jarrod helped finish the Mac and Cheese.  Little wonder he is growing so fast -- he does a job keeping that growing frame nourished.  Now if we can just get a little more organized with the healthy eating. Also got Renee engaged in the Great Peridot Hunt.  If we can just find that white jewelry box.
The mail brought a disc from Buzzy with pictures from the Committal, Memorial Service, and Reception.

He also included the two weddings and the Eagle Ceremony for his niece, nephew and nephew -- in that order.  Nice to get caught up -- and nice to recognize as many folks as I did.  There just seemed to be a lot of old folks in those pictures!
The kids left and Nancy left, and I thought I was ready to return some phone calls.  Got some of them taken care of -- still some left to do.  I did get Block and the plumber updated.  Talked to Anna V., told her about Margaret, and asked her to get my training arranged so I can start teaching the Safe Driver Course for  AARP.  I think I am ready for that.  Perhaps Anna will let me co-teach with her at least once.
I realized that this week there will be at least three birthdays -- Jamie, Renee and her mother.  Josh has at least two more birthdays on his calendar.  What is it about May?  Had to get birthday cards and ensure that I had gifts for Jamie and Renee.
The day moved so fast, I only found my grief during conversations, or during the all-too-brief alone times.  In many ways, that was welcomed -- and I find myself wondering if I missed something in the busyness.

Day 7 -- A busy day -- intentionally

Although not structured, the day was satisfyingly busy -- finished up the back bedroom, stripped our (my) bed and took off the electric mattress cover and washed the sheets, finished the key lime pie, did about an hour in the back yard (with the scooter, of course), fixed the sewing machine and hemmed some lounge pants that Margaret had marked and not finished (I think she had that benevolent smile on her face when I looked at the results),  puttered some in the house waiting for the kids to get back from the beach, went to Eagle Lane and spent time with the family -- they fed me, Josh and I had a draw in our Lego game and he showed me his new bike!  I also picked up the bookmarks so I can put one in thank-yous until they are gone.
The handout from the Bereavement Dept. at LifePath Hospice says it best: "Grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience when someone we love dies.  Mourning...is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves."  For today, I would add that grief has a life of its own, and chooses to make itself known at unexpected times and following surprising triggers.  Starting to do something and noticing that I could make a silly comment and there was not response.  Sometimes that would hit like a punch in the stomach: sometimes it would trigger a pleasant memory of us adjusting to my hearing loss.  Sometimes the sadness and lostness would come on as if it would never end and then subside as spontaneously as it began.  I'm thinking that whatever is going on is very much like my intuition -- it works great and is very accurate as long as I don't try to figure it out or quantify it. I'm  trying very hard to stay with the feelings without naming them, or trying to figure out what is going on -- just giving myself permission to let the feelings be and follow them.  They do have a life of their own, and I am much better off it I just nurture them and let them have their way with me.
The mourning part is getting better.  The more people I trust to let see me mourn, the more the opportunity persents itself,  and I have a choice. That's kinda nice!

Day 6 -- Memories

Breakfast with the Team was awesome!  Not that we did any monumental, world saving thing -- we just sat with each other, joked about what we were doing to our arteries with our orders, caught up on news from the last two weeks, and generally enjoyed being in each others company.  AND Pam came with Dan, which gave us an absolute rose among a bunch of old thorns.   I hadn't seen Pam since Margaret got really sick, and she kept up through Dan or with emails.  Steve got back from South Fla., and said that suddenly his wife has changed from crying to happy and smiling.  That has got to give him a small break from the frustrations of Alzheimers.  And Diane is scheduled for surgery on Tuesday and George reports that she is more than ready to find an end to the pain she has been in for way too long.  Bill's wife was running in a 5K today.  Life is real -- full of everything that makes being together rich and challenging.  I am so fortunate to have folks like Pam and all the guys caring what happens to me!
On the way home, the radio was playing some oldies -- two back to back songs about memories.  With no warning, I found myself flooded with good memories -- of songs we liked, of things we did with songs in the background.  And then I was home -- alone.  As I walked through the house, I realized that two things were really very real -- Margaret is not coming back and the richness of memories also includes memories of things left undone, unsaid, unexperienced, and put off.  Realized I don't have a lot of choice about which of those memories come up.  I also realized that I am mad at her for leaving me with having to figure out how to make it.  Good memories reassure me that she is still with me in spirit, but they also remind me that I can't ask her silly little things as I go about any of the tasks around the house and how profoundly I miss her.