Started with my semi-annual medical checkup. The lab tests were all normal! My cholesterol is at 133, by BP this morning 122/70. Only thing slightly elevated was my PSA -- although that is not surprising with the shots I have every two weeks. As we talked about my night sweats, the doctor zeroed in on sleep apnea and the more we talked about it, the more that (now almost epidemic) diagnosis made sense for some little naggy things that have been around for a while. So, I am getting an appointment at the Sleep Diagnostic Center to evaluate. As the doctor said -- this is so fixable. He also told me some of the differences in his own life and health since wearing his "Darth Vader" getup to bed and sleep.
The most interesting thing about the whole appointment was after I left the office. As I sat in the car, thought about the lab work and that maybe there was a fix for some of the things that I have been yelling at myself about for quite a while, I thought of Margaret. Her seeming continuous struggle to control her weight, our marathon of tests to try to find out why she "just didn't feel good", the agony and frustration of those last three weeks with the constant focus on trying to help her feel comfortable, watching the vibrant and bright countenance of hers being worn down. I remembered all those times when she would do those things to enhance her health, and what I did with her would work for me, but never seemed to work to her expectations. I cried as I thought of the lab tests showing normal, of the doctor referring me to the Sleep Center to take care of the "not feeling good" components, and that it worked for me, but did not work for Margaret. Why couldn't it have been the other way around? I have to admit, I would not wish for her the agony and pain of these last 3+ months I have experienced without her. I would be the first to want for her to experience the movements toward health working, the huge show of affection and respect for her that I have been party to, and the joy of reconnecting with old friends long neglected.
It was -- and is -- a good cry. Margaret was right -- sometime what you need is a good cry and a three-hour nap. I can only speculate why those honorable cures stopped working for her. Cancer is an insidious process.
The tables are dressed, all the makings are in for our prep day tomorrow. Jarrod will be here about 9 and we will spend the day being chefs. The backup unit for the computer is due tomorrow, and Lee may come in and have dinner with us (and maybe hook up the device). Carol G. is going to come up with some center pieces for the tables. Missy and I had a good long conversation -- started as a returned call that she missed because of illness. Ended up being a great sharing and review of the time since the Memorial service. Missy is so caring and nurturing. In the conversation she was quite eloquent about a way to solve one of the issues facing the Eagle Lane folks! That's Missy!
It is another night past 1am so I am signing off. Will be interesting to see if the night sweats come now that I have a clue what they are about. We'll see!
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