The activities of the day were definitely domestic. The laundry, picking up stuff left out yesterday, picking up grapefruit, recovering from yesterday, but mostly just living with the all the feelings that come above the surface at the slightest reminder of Margaret or what we did together. While I can still fuss at myself for things undone or "should, coulda, oughta" have done differently: a lot of that just doesn't have the punch or strength to deter me from just letting my feelings be.
It is entirely possible that this "new life" that I am questing for is really just finding more ways to give myself permission to be me, with all the baggage that I have collected. I hope I am giving me permission to leave most of that junk at home (so I'll know where it is if I need it). I think Marcia was right -- my true feelings can be seen in my eyes. Part of this new life is realizing that I don't have to defend me or my feelings, or wear a mask. I can safely let me be me and that is acceptable to those who really care. And I now have no drive to convince anyone who doesn't care -- just accept them and give all the love I can. Right now, that's hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment