Slept in for an extra hour this morning. I had looked at the calendar before going to bed and knew there was nothing listed for today -- so I slept in?! Did the usual morning routine and then decided to work on my resume -- it needs updating and I have to take a copy with me to the Unemployment orientation next Tuesday. Did some work on that, checked email, talked to Lee, and read a lot. I'm working on a rather complicated novel that concerns a family with a lot of adopted coming-of-age kids, and the dynamics of their progression through the teen years and how parents deal with that kaleidoscopic age. Well written, compact and speaks to my journey from time to time. A side issue here is to try to get my own writing more compact and less of a navel gaze.
Since there was nothing on the calendar for today, I did just that -- nothing. Glad I did. Found out that facing what seems to be a lot of change to one of my "safety spots" easily gets that old "nobody cares" or "maybe if you wait long enough, someone will come and take care of you". While those are very old idealizations, they still carry depression as the only seeming response available. So I let it play itself out. Realized I don't like being without someone to do for or to react to my silliness or sadness. Also realized I could reach out and find someone to respond to me, and worked on not discounting that because I had to initialize the contact. Spent some amount of time really allowing myself to experience the "what difference does it make" defense -- realized part of what I have to learn is that it is OK if it makes a difference to me, and that is sufficient reason to do what makes me happy. That's a change -- showed up unexpectedly.
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