It is great having Marcia here! Sometimes I think I am taking advantage by just reveling in the knowledge that she is in the house. There is that part of me that says I should be doing something, and I get concerned about her being tired, and back off and choose the option of just enjoying her company. But when I do, I realize we only have tomorrow and Monday till 4 or so. We did get the bicycles out, and Marcia cleaned them up while I blew up the tires. We decided to have an early supper and ride in the early evening. That didn't happen -- the back tire on the bike Marcia was riding had gone flat -- so tomorrow I'll see if I can get it fixed. Marcia picked grapefruit, and I attacked those weeks that I have putting off instead of bicycling.
The big surprise came when Marcia was beginning to sort through the "personal" drawers of Margaret's side of the bed. At first it was an exciting exploration as we speculated about the things that Margaret had "squirreled". Then when Marcia started on the nightey drawer, she pulled out some of the night clothes that dated back to our first years of marriage. That started the memories rolling, and when Marcia found Margaret's garter from our wedding, I lost it! Not since the night Margaret died has the pain, loss, sad, helpless, and alone hit me as hard. I left the room weeping, and none of usual distractions would work. I had no choice but to just let the feelings take their course. This was centered around the early years of our togetherness, and the realization that is now only available in memories that can't be shared with her now is still very, very painful and the tears flow. I guess this is more of the course of grief that comes with the realization that the whole person is gone, and that loss is a permanent part of who I am from now on.
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