At first I thought it was some kind of internal war going on -- a wide range of feelings or just one out of the range would present itself for notice, I would give it some recognition and then Mr. Analytical would jump into the fray to get everything "back to normal".
Laura very skillfully encouraged me to leave the problem solving and take permission to just be me -- and accept that what I am feeling is as much me as any analysis, explanation, rationalization, denial that I most often do. That's when I could realize that only by taking permission to be me -- feeling -- that is what taking care of someone is now about -- me. I am also aware that my experience and training is what is in the way. I don't really have to do that anymore. I also recognize I don't often give myself permission to just let my feelings hang out -- it feels too close to being completely vulnerable, and I have many more tools to stop that than I have assurance that it really is okay to be vulnerable.
Almost as if programed, the day ended at Liz and David's house for dinner -- Debbie and Sal were also there. What a congenial gathering of friends -- with much conversation making connections of past histories and present caring for one another. Didn't spend much energy on evaluating whether the mask was on straight -- just stayed with my friends and let feelings flow as we all acknowledged Margaret's presence among us. What a profound experience! What caring and nurture by folks who know the painfulness of recent grief, and can elegantly express their grief by celebrating that the pain does get less -- the grief is always present. I was vulnerable, I let it show, and my whole being was ministered to. Thank you.
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