Day 65 -- What a great day

Right on time, Lee and Jarrod arrived -- Lee had to get to school for a meeting.  Jarrod and I reviewed the menu for tomorrow, looked at the list of to-do's and  together got the day underway. In short order, Jarrod took the lead position -- with me as backup and coach -- and completed the assembly of the Strawberry Pretzel desert.  After a bit of a break  we assembled the Chicken Divan.  Both dishes were covered and put in the refrig.  We took on some other chores of the To-Do list and Jarrod called time for lunch.  I had delayed my breakfast -- and really ate my homemade sausage biscuits during the time Jarrod prepared the layers for the desert and assembled the dish.  So at lunch time, I was not really hungry.
While we were out back attending to some chores out there, Debbie L. called to remind me of our meeting at 1:30.  Jarrod knew about it, so we simply looked at the list, and Jarrod chose what he wanted to do while Debbie and I talked.
The meeting with Debbie was good.  I had a chance to review some of my plans for the website and get her reactions as a person in the field.  I want Collegeguidepost.com to be a resource -- as it was designed.  I think Blaine has gotten me thinking about a way to get closer to our founding ideals.  Once I get the site transferred to a different server I will make some corrections, changes and additions to the site as it is now, and maintain it that way while I get Blaine's help with the next itineration.  Debbie was quite interested in how I am doing personally and very supportive in her response.
After Debbie left, Jarrod and I ran an errand (sushi for tonight and pizza for tomorrow night -- he is going a great job of preparing the food for tomorrow night -- even though most of it contains things that he doesn't like/eat!)  Came back, he helped me with the games for tomorrow night, and then it was time to take him to his Father's office -- he was looking forward to working on an "Imax" monitor (bigger than mine at the TOSC) while his Dad taught a class.
Yes it was a busy day -- but that is not what made it a great day.  Spending the day one-on-one with my grandson was a desire of mine for a long time.  Getting to spend that day with him, just as he is turning 13 means that I get a brief glimpse of that awesome transition from child to teenager on his way to adulthood.  For me, it was walking on holy ground!  Our running conversation during the day gave both of us opportunity to share ourselves with each other, unfettered by any outside interference.  I got opportunity to let Jarrod know that I intended to brag about him to my friends that he would meet tomorrow night.  That was OK with Jarrod.  I was very clear that I would be proudly be "showing him off" to my friends, and that would also include respecting his choices about how he would handle the crowd, and we established that he would not be expected to be a part of the group unless he so chose.  I was so impressed with his creative way of taking care of himself and acknowledging the necessity for social convention.
Even greater than that, Jarrod let me see his very strong caring for others -- and his growing confidence in standing up for himself, and not taking on feelings or words from others that did not belong to him.  I wonder if Lee and Renee are aware of how great their contribution was.  Yes it was a very great day -- and I cannot be prouder than to know that he will be with me tomorrow to help me pull off this Couples Club meeting.
Tomorrow starts early -- the brunch then to Apollo Beach to pick up Jarrod so we  get all the preparations in place.

Day 64 -- Another discovery

Started with my semi-annual medical checkup.  The lab tests were all normal!  My cholesterol is at 133, by BP this morning 122/70.  Only thing slightly elevated was my PSA -- although that is not surprising with the shots I have every two weeks.  As we talked about my night sweats, the doctor zeroed in on sleep apnea and the more we talked about it, the more that (now almost epidemic) diagnosis made sense for some little naggy things that have been around for a while.  So, I am getting an appointment at the Sleep Diagnostic Center to evaluate.  As the doctor said -- this is so fixable.  He also told me some of the differences in his own life and health since wearing his "Darth Vader" getup to bed and sleep.
The most interesting thing about the whole appointment was after I left the office.  As I sat in the car, thought about the lab work and that maybe there was a fix for some of the things that I have been yelling at myself about for quite a while, I thought of Margaret.  Her seeming continuous struggle to control her weight, our marathon of tests to try to find out why she "just didn't feel good", the agony and frustration of those last three weeks with the constant focus on trying to help her feel comfortable, watching the vibrant and bright countenance of hers being worn down.  I remembered all those times when she would do those things to enhance her health, and what I did with her would work for me, but never seemed to work to her expectations.  I cried as I thought of the lab tests showing normal, of the doctor referring me to the Sleep Center to take care of the "not feeling good" components, and that it worked for me, but did not work for Margaret.  Why couldn't it have been the other way around?  I have to admit, I would not wish for her the agony and pain of these last 3+ months I have experienced without her.  I would be the first to want for her to experience the movements toward health working, the huge show of affection and respect for her that I have been party to, and the joy of reconnecting with old friends long neglected.
It was -- and is -- a good cry.  Margaret was right -- sometime what you need is a good cry and a three-hour nap.  I can only speculate why those honorable cures stopped working for her.  Cancer is an insidious process.
The tables are dressed, all the makings are in for our prep day tomorrow.  Jarrod will be here about 9 and we will spend the day being chefs.  The backup unit for the computer is due tomorrow, and Lee may come in and have dinner with us (and maybe hook up the device).  Carol G. is going to come up with some center pieces for the tables.  Missy and I had a good long conversation -- started as a returned call that she missed because of illness.  Ended up being a great sharing and review of the time since the Memorial service.  Missy is so caring and nurturing.  In the conversation she was quite eloquent about a way to solve one of the issues facing the Eagle Lane folks!  That's Missy!
It is another night past 1am  so I am signing off.  Will be interesting to see if the night sweats come now that I have a clue what they are about.  We'll see!

Day 63 -- and the stretch goes on...

Late yesterday -- just about supper time, Dan came over from across the street and asked if they could borrow a card table and a couple of chairs.  Seems they had a few more guests than they had seating for dinner.  Dan and I carried the folding table and two chairs from the Lanai over to their house.  This morning, when I was going out to have my coffee and read the paper; low and behold, the table and chairs were back in place -- and a lot cleaner than when we took them across the street.  I was really pleased that Dan and Betsy asked, and I could help them out.  They have been wondering what they could do -- and I must tell them that yesterday was it!
Had to get grapefruit delivered, Party City visited for decorative stuff, the UPS store to get the boxes off to Marcia, and Publix to pick up some needed kitchen supplies.  They didn't have my Preservision, so I will have to get that tomorrow when I do the big grocery buy.  Hope they have it -- or I can get it special ordered.  While on the errands, Nancy called, saying she was coming over to clean.  Thank goodness I had that new entry lock put on the front door.  She just used her code, and came on in and started.  When I got home, and got everything put in place -- including the few utensils I had washed earlier -- we had a moment to chat, and she got the low-down on why all the changes to the rooms.  When she left, everything was spotless -- just hope I can keep it that way till Thursday.
Got Jarrod's birthday gift ordered and sent, Talked to the folks at SHARE to give Dea a quick rundown on the conversations I had Saturday, and found out I can pick up my sausage tomorrow -- just have to add that to the list.  I think I will be running errands all day tomorrow!
Also heard from Blaine with his recommendations for the website.  I think he has the right idea about changing it over to an e-book style.  He suggested that if I was not really concerned about income from the site, we could funnel any profit into The Margaret Gandy Scholarship Fund.  Maybe I need to get a meeting with that committee of the PTSA to talk about this on a long term basis.  I finally did get the list of those who contributed "in lieu of flowers" -- so a meeting would include some questions I have about that also (concerning thank yous).  Anyway, I sent an email to Web Full Circle asking them to email me a complete backup of the mysql database, and specifically asking that the "create table statements" be included.
Heard from Anna -- she suggested I order the .ppt program since she has not yet done it.  I called the supply center, found out that product is on backorder (and has been for a while), so I guess I will add writing the manual for Safe Driver Training into PowerPoint. That way it will an aid to teaching the course and managing the video.  I really want to make maximum use of the timing feature, so I can get everything covered in 6 hours.  Anna also told me she was sending me an email with the date of the course I will be teaching in July -- and it will be at Hyde Park UMC!  I am very pleased.  That may end up being "my" center in the future.  Also let Anna know that right now, I want to be on her "backup list" that she uses when a course is scheduled and she has to call in an instructor at the last minute.
As I look back over the day, it was quite full.  And best of all, it was full of interaction with others.  The Thursday brunch is coming together -- Mike M. sent word that he has to be in Birmingham that day -- so the early date setting did not make it through the changes that are progress right now.  Maybe I am beginning to get a rhythm established -- and developing patience in setting up things to develop that I want to happen.  It is late (or early, depending on your perspective) and my appointment in the morning is at 8:30, so I'm heading to bed.

Day 62 -- the start of the stretch

Plans are in place.  Got mulch this morning for the front beds -- and by the time Christian got here it was way to hot -- then it rained -- so the executive decision was made to let the front plantings be as they are.
Jamie and Christian came in around noon with projects in mind.  Of course, I had to take time to see Allie crawl, sit up, and crawl, sit up, crawl.....  She is so alert and notices everything.  She is in that awkward 9 month old space-- crawling, talking up a storm (it's just that her words are not well formed yet), standing when she wants to -- and no adult is watching and front teeth that are cute and can be a rather painful weapon if one's fingers get in the wrong place (Mom learned that again today) and most of all demonstrate what she is learning about wrapping adults around her little fingers.
Christian and Jamie are marvelous.  In a very short amount of time, the great room is ready for a group meeting.  Two tables with seating for 14 in the dining room.  The living room has some seating with the round table in place for serving.  We also got all the shoes packed up and now there are two packages to go to UPS for delivery to Marcia.  Christian brought his new iPad, and we had a great time playing with it and being amazed at its capabilities.  For me,  there is not enough different to make it worth $500.   I think I will just invest in an upgrade to iPhone4.  I really did appreciate Christian bringing it to show it to me.  He also took me for a ride in his new car -- it is really nice, and he made a good deal. It has really been amazing how open everything in the house is right now since Christian and Jamie worked their magic! 
I can see some possibilities for rearranging the great room in case I decide to get a larger, flat-screen TV.  I am pleased that we have done enough consolidating and eliminating that there is not going to be a huge amount to hide in one of the other bedrooms.  Nancy comes tomorrow, and I go to Publix, UPS  and Party City for the first round of supplies for the week and Thursday.  It was really a great day!

Day 61 -- Margaret's ongoing presence

Maybe it is because I see having the Couples Club here at the house as a joint project for us, maybe it is because I still find myself thinking of US is so many details of living.  Getting all the details looked at for the group to come to the house means that for me, Margaret is the benchmark for planning.  And, like in the past,  I can still get stuck on one detail.  Happened today with planning for the "games" that happen after dinner.  I had really been resisting that detail -- Margaret was the Recreation Major, and always took the lead when this kind of activity was in the planning.  Finally, today, I realized that I had also been the follower in those times, and I could just emulate her planning.  As I did, I found myself getting caught up in planning for the specific people in the group -- and lost my self in the research!  I haven't really done that in quite a while -- usually settling for a quick answer that serves instead of seeing what other options are open.  I'm really excited about the "games".  I think they will be lots of fun.
Also went to SHARE this morning.  Got part of my sausage order and was warmly welcomed (I had not been there for several months due to other complications).  Had plenty of opportunity to talk to some of the participants and volunteers about the online ordering which will start July 1.  Got some great feedback for Dea -- which I will email to her, along with the tracer on the rest of my sausage order.
John W. called today -- anxious about his application for a position at a University in another state.  The interesting thing about the call was that it was almost as if I were hearing Margaret talk to a student who had not heard yet from the college they so wanted to get in, and had put so much of themselves in the process.  John is waiting for a response to his on-campus interview -- my job was to encourage him and invite him to find ways to use his anxious energy in a way that was physically good for him and would not mess up the process.  I think he is managing his anxiety well, and I am confident he will keep himself focused on the task.  I also expect to get a call from him soon saying he was hired!
Things are pretty well in hand for an upcoming busy week, focusing mostly on the Couples Club,  the TOSC Team gathering, and my bi-annual medical check.  Christian, Jamie, Allie, Bellah and Spike will be here tomorrow and we'll get the outside neat.  That will be a great help.  Haven't yet decided on the menu -- we'll just play it by ear.

Day 60 -- many checks on the to-do list

Matt came a bit before 8 and we went to Tihitian for breakfast.  Great conversation -- getting to know Matt and was again amazed at the network that flows through Plant High School.  It is really the core of S.Tampa -- the kids keep up with each other and applaud each other's activities.
Got back home with the resolve to knock some of the items off the list.  Went a long way on preparing for Couples Club -- including some research to find some games to play, and confirm the changes needed to seat everyone for the meal and then the meeting afterwards.  Still not sure whether to stay at the tables or move to the great room (rearranged) for later.
Confirmed that Christian, Jamie and Allie will be coming over Sunday so we can get any furniture moving done, and tidying up the outside.  Not sure what the menu will be yet -- choices may be limited because it will be Sunday.  I do know that tomorrow will be busy with to-do's that we will need on Sunday.
Got the Manual for the Safe Driver course finished.  Lee, Renee, Jarrod, Josh and his friend Trey came by and I had a great time just being with them -- they were between the CCC and home, and dropped by just to visit.  Josh was properly shod, so he wanted to climb the grapefruit tree.  Jarrod wanted a job in the back yard so he could ride the scooter chair back there.  Josh climbed very high, got a grapefruit for me while Jarrod picked about a dozen with the  picking tool.  Josh's friend tried climbing the tree -- did OK, but could not scamper confidently as Josh did.  He seemed to be very pleased to be included in all the activities that Jarrod and Josh like to do when they are here.  Jarrod also got the ladder and took the filters down (in the great room) so I could clean them.  Jarrod and I also had opportunity to check on our To-Do list for next Wednesday and Thursday.  I am so looking forward to his being with me on Wednesday and Thursday next week!
After they left, I finished the Manual.  After remembering what I had for lunch (tuna salad with noodles) I decided to fix a good supper.  Had a pork steak with rice and green beans.  All the talking about the menu for next week (with Jarrod) made me  hungry.  It was a good meal -- still have to put up left-overs in the fridge.
This morning I had an unexplained bloody nose.  Got it taken care of -- can't figure out where it came from.  Oh well, something to talk to Dr. W about next week.  One of the To-do's was getting the thank you written to Karen S.  She dropped off one letter to me with a very touching Father's Day card.  Her letter was really a overview of her love and respect for Margaret.  I was honored that she shared it with me.  She also updated me on the inquiry about possible positions for Roxy -- that firm is cutting back like the others.   With Karen's letter, I was able to tear up, experience the pride and sadness that came from reading the letter again, and then get back to the ToDo list.
In all, it was a very satisfying day.  Got a lot done, great interaction with real people, and can see accomplishing the Couples Club hosting next week which is going to be filled with new (to me) things.

Day 59 -- a strange day

Started out with taking my morning pills -- realized I had already taken them for Thursday -- and the evening pills for Tuesday were still present in the case.  Sooo I must have taken the morning pills Tuesday evening instead of the evening pills -- or something.  That did mean for the first hour of the day, I was constantly checking to be sure that today was Thursday.  Lee helped when he called to say that our previously arranged meeting to get a backup system for my computer was going to have to be postponed.  His AC decided to quit -- thought it was something simple (which it turned out to be, thank goodness!!) 
Got the morning routine accomplished and then tried to get the day started by picking up the bucket full of grapefruit that had fallen off the tree.  Lee called in the middle of that project.
The rest of the day went downhill from there.  I was just kind of droopy and looked for reasons to just sit.
 George did call -- we talked of any news I got yesterday at the TOSC, how his and Diane's health is doing,  some recipes we are trying.  He wanted to go to lunch tomorrow, but I can't make it.  We will get together when the TOSC team meets (and I have to get a reminder email out to the crew.)
I'm just flat out having trouble getting a rhythm going -- for a day, for a week and I haven't even paid much attention to any kind of monthly rhythm.  It just seems that I look at a project -- particularly one that I've set the needed parts out for -- and then don't get anything taken care of.  The dining room table has stuff that needs filing and checking -- that's where I open mail.  The table in Margaret's office has correspondence I need to respond to.  The harvest table by my office still has the shoes I need to box up and ship to Marcia.  The breakfast table has the Safe Driver material on it -- waiting for me to finish the conversion  of the 8-hour manual.  And then there is the Couples Club coming next week -- arrangements are made for both Jarrod and Christian to help me out with the preparation -- Jarrod is going to help with the serving -- and Nancy is on deck for Monday to ensure that the house is clean.
At least I know where they all are, and what they are.  It is almost as if I am waiting for some kind of deadline to fall on one of the pending projects to motivate me to get it done.  We have, in the past, taken on projects and then depend on the priority list to indicate which project needed to be done.  Of all the pending projects, none but the Couples Club has a deadline.
I guess the reality is that I have not yet developed the internal push, and am waiting for something external to get me going.  Maybe that's why Margaret has bubbled up so frequently these past few days.  And maybe when she wasn't here I have just given up and justified my inaction with a "why bother".  Maybe I could start answering the question.

Day 58 -- getting out of the shell

The day started as an open day --- nothing on the calendar.  After the morning routine, I added making biscuits for breakfast (and the freezer).  Good old Bisquick based buttermilk biscuits!  Knew I had to get stuff done for SHARE (the FAQ's) and I wanted to get Lee to edit what I had written.  I also knew I needed Carol's consultation to be ready for Couples Club next week.  Everything is set for Jarrod to help me on Wednesday and Thursday.
Called Alan and Carol -- they were home, and I went over to spend some time with them talking about the recipes I wanted to use, and reviewing the "tradition" that everyone was expecting.  Besides getting ready for hosting, there was the just plain fun of visiting with the two of them.  Both of them are so sharing and affirmative.
After getting back home, I called Dan to see if he could help me with getting the Website migrated over to another server.  He was in St. Pete at the time -- suggested I call Blaine R. since he has at least two of his own websites, and has a lot of experience in that venue. Called Blaine -- he was at the TOSC,  so I jumped in the car, went over there, and visited with him for a couple of hours, talking about the  website in between calls.  He is going to look over the site on the server, see if he can determine what will be involved in the migration.  He also talked about an alternative change in the website -- one that made a lot of sense.  He gave me two URLs to look at that would open up the concept he was talking about.  We ended with some tentative discussion of perhaps working together in accomplishing this "next level" in the life of the site -- it would at least give me an unexplored  dimension in this new life business.
Got home, returned the call to Lee -- he wanted to give me the results of his edit on the FAQ's.  I took those, looked over the copy one more time, made some changes, and got the document off to Dea at SHARE. Fixed me supper, watched the news, and somewhat settled down for the evening.  As I ate, I realized how much I was missing the kind of interaction I had during the day.
Strangely, I found all kinds of muscle and touch memories cycling for notice and attention.  Just the smallest indication (from TV or what I was also reading) could trigger the reality that certain touches, hugs, kisses and tactile feelings would never again be duplicated in the same way.  The loss train was running full steam.  I didn't try to analyze, or trace history, and even question what was happening.  It was a peculiar kind of comfort in letting the pain of the loss be real and experience it, and then move on.  Don't have any interest in investigating causes or effects -- I'm just aware that the experience was a little less painful than when these waves have hit before, and that I now realize they are part of the fabric of my new life that is vibrantly rich.

Day 57 -- The routine is still not routine

After lab work took longer than anticipated, I was glad that the appointment with Matt had to be moved to Friday.  So I caught up on the SHARE projects -- including getting the FAQ written and arrangements made for editing.
Had a good, long conversation with Betty about how John is doing.  A little scary -- the shoulder fix is good -- except it is causing his heart stability to get a little cranky.  Betty is wearing herself out, trying to take care of John, and ensure that the hospital staff is staying aware of the TWO issues at hand.  And on top of all that, Betty insisted she be called upon to help with the Couples Club event next week.
Still have times when I look at what needs to be done, and put off starting.  Not sure what I am waiting for.  Maybe the fairy godmother will come swooping in and get it done for me.  Marcia is in process of contacting a professional organizer to help me with this process.  I'm looking forward to hearing from her.  Marcia is also going to send me a book that might be helpful in getting my motivation mobilized.  The hard part, for me, is getting things done that I am the only one who will know something was done.  What's hard is that there is the missing element of Margaret noticing and affirming my effort with our joint celebration of marking an item off the priority list. (The sadness that came with that last sentence was a nice reminder that I can miss Margaret and still get on with my life.  worked a little bit on the Father's Day slide show.  Still have not diagnosed the problem.  Maybe Lee and I can get it figured out Friday when we add the backup unit to my computer.
Will be interesting to see how many times I can arranged to be overwhelmed tomorrow.  There is nothing on the schedule.  Lee returned my call but I had the TV in my ears and didn't hear the ring.  I think I am going to have to ensure the iPhone is connected to my ears before I put the TV in there -- don't really hear anything else when I have that equipment running.

Day 56 -- And then there are plans

Started the day, fully intending to get the FAQ done for SHARE, finish the Manual conversion for AARP, and had a list of projects that could fill in when taking a break from the larger projects.  Well, so much for those plans.
I call Anna to confirm she was back in the country (had been on a mission trip to the DR), and after hearing about the work they had done  on their trip, she asked me if I was ready to do some teaching with her observing.  I answered yes and she suggested come to her class that started at 1pm TODAY.  I agreed. Then realized I had at least three units to convert, and I had no idea what sections Anna was going to ask me to teach.  It turned out well -- Anna was a little late getting there -- which really meant we both had to do some scrambling to take care of the 25 or so folks that were there for the class.  It was good to be reminded of Anna's style, and while she was finishing up paperwork, I did an entire unit (#3) after operating the VCR while she did the first 2 units.  It was a good experience -- I felt very comfortable doing it my way.
Getting the conversion done, myself dressed, and grabbing a quick Mickey D's for lunch, the rest of the day ended up being dedicated to AARP.  Got home just in time to finish what was left of lunch, and then had to catch up on several things left on my desk (I had done bill paying before the call with Anna).  I also wanted to see if I could fix the problem with the slide show that I could not get to work yesterday.  So I decided to just put the slides in today's post -- maybe when figure out the problem with the slide show, I'll include it later.  Anyhow, here are some glimpses of Father's Day 2010:

The slide show has music and "clever" titles to match -- and also includes Allie's Mom and Dad.  Oh well, stay tuned.
Of note, the AARP event was at Bayshore Presby Apts -- where Margaret went every month to leave SHARE order blank, and where we would deliver groceries.  Kathy (the social director) recognized me and we talked briefly about Margaret.  Good conversation, and I could talk about that part of history with appropriate feeling -- and no demands on others to listen to long explanations.  When I introduced myself, Margaret's recent death was handled in one phrase,  and we got on with the task at hand -- I also got to tell my favorite Great Aunt tale about the naming of the Gandy Bridge.
The cherry on the top was the call from Lee (while I was in class) which I returned much later.  He was just checking in and wanted to say Hi.

day 55 -- Father's Day

What a great Father's day.  I had the BBQ with all the fixin's in the fridge, the house picked up and expected the crowd to come around noon.  Crazy thoughts -- Margaret and I would always remind the kids of Mother/Father days in the past -- not that they ever forgot.  We're just funny about events -- we celebrate when we want to, not always according to the calendar so reminding seemed to be appropriate.  Anyway, I realized that the celebration would be when the kids are here -- and after they left I celebrated the rest of the day with just me.
What great fund to have three (3) Gandy fathers all gathered around the table together.  Allie somehow managed to keep us entertained and enraptured by her curiosity and growing skills.

(I tried to insert a slide show of Allie being intently watched while she ate a key lime pie that I had made for desert.  YouTube doesn't like me -- so you missed a great show.  Maybe later)

Though the kids had more stops on their day (I remember those kind of trips well) having them here was lots of hustle, bustle, fun and tender.  Just wish time didn't fly and I could have spent more time with each one of the crew.
I must admit -- the crowd was a little overwhelming.  I wanted to spend time with each one of them, but with so many, how could I get around to everyone.  And I got into the take care of mode around the food, and did not let Renee and Jamie take care of me the way they wanted to.  I still have a long way to go on that issue.

As they left, I stood on the porch and counted my blessings.  Not only did Lee and Renee help by getting the exercise equipment to their house (giving me some more room to get to the stuff in the back bedroom) they made sure that the place looked better when they left!  Christian (though really tired) and Jamie brought that joyous aura that brightens every moment I am with them.  And Josh, Jarrod and Allie were the icing on the cake.  It was a great Father's Day!

Day 54 -- The week was so busy

Busy week and delightfully so!  It was busy enough that on more than one occasion, I thought today was Sunday.  For a moment, even thought my automatic watch was off by a day (it is set by the Naval Observatory radio time signal).  Finally got the clue -- today is Saturday.
After a rather relaxed morning, I got very much underway -- the mail brought a check on Margaret's account that was returned -- I thought all checks had cleared when the Manager at the S.Tampa branch of SSFCU transferred all the accounts over.  Well, one got caught.  A very sweet note which gave me the opportunity to thank Donna again for her hard work and reissued the check. 
I'm really concerned about any contributions to the Margaret Gandy Scholarship Fund.  I had checked with the Treasurer of the PHS Academic Foundation to get the wording for the "in lieu of flowers" line before putting it in the paper and on other printed materials.  More than one person has told me that apparently checks made out to the Margaret Gandy Scholarship Fund were returned with a request that the check be reissued in another name.  I have not heard from either the PTSA or the Academic Foundation with a list of those to whom I should send a thank you to for their gift.  I now have a check, made out to the Margaret Gandy Scholarship Fund that I was going to send through, as I did the other one I received -- but I am concerned that somehow the funds are not reaching that Scholarship.  I have on my agenda a call to someone in the PTSA or Academic Foundation to find out what is going on.

I am becoming more and more alert to the proliferation of mis-communication that seems to be a product of the information overload that is so prevelant today.  Tried to get some clarity about moving the Web site to a different server.  Took a full printed chat page to get the answer to 1 question about services one company offered.  Got a finger pointed to someone else when raising that question to another company.  Got an email from Debbie acknowledging that her concern for some of Margaret's students was based on a mis-perception on her part.  There is a statement making the rounds of the Internet again -- credited originally to a professor at the University of Wisconsin -- probably on the xteenth iteneration -- that underscores the facility of our brain to fill in missing or out of order letters in recognizing words.  Kind of like being on Wheel of Fortune for every conversation.  Or perhaps it could indicate just how distracted and dis-tractable we are today.  I guess I am particularly mindful of that right now because of the two-day training that is preparation for presenting a huge amount of information that could have ones safety in the balance, and I am working on how to present the material in a way that will insist -- maybe demand -- focus.
Look like I have found my soap box again.  I knew it could not stay hidden for long.

Day 53 -- What happened to yesterday?

Another first -- the first time I did not complete an entry for a day (Day 52).  Was it oversight? Somewhat.  I got in bed -- trying to find that bed-time when I would sleep through the night.  As I settled down, I realized I had not blogged.  Thought this would be an opportunity to see if writing so late at night as I have been doing was also getting too much stirred up and messing with my sleep cycle.  So I gave it a shot.  Slept better -- and longer.  Also found it a little more difficult to get up this morning.  The experiment continues, in that I am writing this right after supper, and I have some other projects to complete before bedtime.
While weeding this evening (thanks for the cloudiness!) I found myself saying "I wish Margaret could see this".  Some of the peanut plant (ornamental) that she tried to get to grow and it refused survived the freeze.  And, in the midst of some healthy weeds, that peanut plant was putting out its runners and claiming the less sunny sections.  I really need to talk to Carolyn and Dennis about their peanut plants (theirs survived very well), and also how they are nursing their Staghorn.  At another point in the day I was wishing Margaret could see something and wished I could hear her laugh!  These are not different memories, they carry a different load -- the sadness of missing someone absent without the accompanying painful, gut-wrenching pang.  I had a song in my head that wouldn't go away (happened to be making the bed) so I went to the computer and Googled it.  As I played the different arrangements ("There's Got To Be a Morning After") something punched me in the gut and I just sat at the computer and wept.  Didn't take long to run its course and I realized that for all the energy I am spending learning to take care of myself alone, there is that lost soul who is still devastated that he no longer has his Margaret to nurture and care for him -- and finds it is very lonely to do that by himself.  I guess that guy had enough of watching all the "firsts" of the week and needed to assert himself and let his fear be known.  He has not been very far below the surface -- I think we are getting better acquainted and more comfortable with our mutual existence.
Another "first".  I've always kept more than one project and/or more than one book going at the same time.  It seemed I had lost that mode over the last 3 or 4 years.  Now I think it is coming back -- and may be part of my rediscovery of how much I need the companionship of fellow seekers (for project completion, story lines, problems to solve).

Day 51 -- Now officially an Instructor Candidate

The training is done and now I await a call from my District Coordinator to find out what my first teaching assignment will be.  The training was great --  the instructor was masterful in using the training to demonstrate a very positive, affirmative and skillful way of getting a huge amount of material communicated.  It was also great bec
ause it took me out of what has become my cocoon and inserted me back into the reality of interaction with others, sharing ideas, and working toward goals far beyond the end of my nose.
Something is going on for me that I am reluctant to even try to describe, for fear it might go away before it fully comes to life.  Being alone in this house sucks -- and that is nothing new.  What is new is that I am finding that instead of complaining or throwing myself a pity-party, I can use that energy to reach out to people and get all kind of affirmation in return.  Some of the calls that I made to find contacts for Roxy came to fruition today: I called Roxy with one name and address, and I should be getting two more tomorrow -- all the same firm.  One call also gave me another lead, and I'll follow up on that tomorrow.  Still waiting to hear from another call from another firm.
It's like I getting back into the world of being in touch with people, encouraging them to tell me about their life, and then getting them connected with other people -- resourcing and networking!  It is almost as if I am discovering this exciting part of reality all over again and it is coming like a serendipity.  It is that joy I have know when Margaret and I made that part of our lives together -- and I am realizing I can still do that alone -- and maybe it means more to me because of that.
Also got a call from the past -- Rose Ann!  Haven't heard from her since forever, and found out she is still doing impossible things and loving it.  She did not know about Margaret's death, and I was able to tell her about the illness, death and funeral with lots of feeling and no interruption.  Gave her the blog address so she could see the pictures and read the emails.  She also gave me the address of her interview about her new family, and I got to see her in action again -- following her mission.  From the conversation with her and from the taped interview, I now understand a lot more about the determination she has lived -- at least since I first met her in the '80's!
 Ad day of serendipity -- getting to know fellow volunteers, reaching out to others, getting back in the grove of being a part of a helpful resource, my own outreach being responded to greater than expected results, a spontaneous outreach to me from that long past, and setting up a business lunch next week.  Bet I won't have trouble getting to sleep tonight.

Day 50 -- The first day of reentry

Getting up at 6 am to make a 9 am class in Ellenton was a really different way to start the day.  Didn't even get to the lanai -- just cereal and coffee at the table with cursory glimpses at the headlines.  Got everything ready -- lights and other electronic stuff shut down; thought I had all I needed for the training class to become a volunteer instructor for the Safe Driver Program for AARP.  This would be a day of firsts: first trip of any distance by myself, first time back in a classroom setting,  first time to go to an event that I didn't have to do anything but show up.  Decided that the distance was such that I would come back home for the evening and would easily make it without having to get up so early.
The Trainer and Coordinator were very warm and welcoming, my other two classmates interesting and as excited as I about learning the course and preparing to lead the course.  Found another great "Mom and Pop" restaurant for lunch.  I was amazed at how little attention I paid to my body as I got caught up in the interchange of information (and boy is there a lot to cover!) and the interaction of the 5 of us.
When we were talking about chemical effects -- prescription medication, non-prescription meds, alcohol, and of course illegal drugs -- our Coordinator passed out some containers he had collected from various sponsors to be used to keep a medical, prescription, and health history in or on the refrigerator and in the car for medical personal in case of an emergency.  I was suddenly aware that here was another of those really important details (along with where all the financial information, etc. is) that I can no longer assume there will be someone who know all that stuff -- unless I tell them, write it down, and let them know where it is stored.  Another detail that looms large when there is no longer an "us".
Even so, it was a day full of energy expenditure and lots of brain stretching, observing, and evaluating for future use.  Tomorrow is practice teaching for all of us.  Stay tuned!

Day 49 -- Goodbye's only echo when spoken

Goodbyes and hellos.  That filled the day, and created an interesting ending tonight.  For the third time, I hit that wall of deep and profound mourning that demanded a voice and completely resisted any effort to stop it.  I'm beginning to realize that I as I welcome that part of my life coming into the light, I find not only what I miss, but what I am  blessed to have.
During the day, I took Margaret's "professional" clothes to The Spring for distribution to those re-entering the real world after experiencing a loss of their self-esteem and sense of self-worth.  Could not find a better way to use "things" to honor Margaret's life-long mission to empower and affirm the basic goodness and worth of everyone she met.
Later in the day, I said Hello to the folks at SERVE and got myself lined up to assist in their project to make the Food Ministry of SERVE more widely available.  Yea, I'll be in the background and I'll have opportunity to do my computer thing, and that is one of the ways I see affirming people in empowering them to take charge of their nourishment and money management.
Tomorrow, I go for Instructor training in the AARP Safe Driver Program, and I had to do some things to have both me and the car ready for my first alone trip -- really alone.  I have hedged a bit -- I'm going to use technology to ensure that Lee knows my whereabouts.
Tonight, as I was reading a novel, one of the characters died of cancer -- and his end days were very much like Margaret's.  As the story progressed and the author detailed the funeral, I hit my mourner's wall.  After letting the weeping and wailing have life, I have later realized that I was so caught up in trying to live up to Margaret's expectations about her Memorial Service that I did not give myself, nor did the service, a chance to say goodbye to my beloved.  I accepted she was gone  in the hospital,  occasionally allowed myself to really miss her, would accept my anger that she had left me, would wonder if I had the strength to take care of all that was left -- but none of that really said goodbye that accepted the reality that she is physically no longer here, and that was really blocking the view of death as an important and rewarding transition.  Margaret told me she wanted to go home -- and it took me a few minutes to realize what she meant.  As I write this tonight I am aware of the pain of the goodbye, but am comforted by it.  The writer had a brother of the boy who died say this in eulogy:

"Be not fearful of death,
 For it is not the end of life, but merely a new beginning.
 Death is not the conqueror that vanquishes all,
 But it is the liberator that sets us free.
 Although death may terminate our mortal existence,
 It gives us the opportunity to explore a realm we have never known.

 Death is not the closing of a door and the ending of a life,
 But it is the opening of a door and the beginning of a new
existence.
 Although death may, for a time, separate us from those we love,
 It will also serve to unite us with all those who have gone before.
 It is not the harbinger of eternal rest or a journey into
nothingness,
 But our birth into a new plane of being, where we shall reside with
our creator.

 Even though death's sting may hurt for a time,
 The pain it causes will last only briefly.
 Although we shall forever miss the loved one who has passed,
 The pain of his passing shall only be a temporary phase.
 Eventually it will be replaced with a feeling of joy,
 From knowing we were blessed by his presence, no matter how brief
it was.

 So fear not what death shall bring,
 But rejoice in its eventual arrival.
 Although our brains may not be able to understand its true meaning,
 Please understand it is more than our last breath or final repose.
 Death be not proud, nor should it be humble,
 For it is but one more step in the evolution of our souls." 

Bill and Danny spoke from their hearts at the service, and I found great comfort in their presence and words.  These words spoke to that part of me that right now is fearful of this new beginning I am finding.
 I know Margaret is no longer in pain, and like Chris Casagrande said in his tribute, " ... I'm sure she's up in Heaven telling the angels how to apply for an archangelship even as we speak."
And so I end the day -- a sad and much wiser guy for having been through some more words that became signposts (guideposts?) for my mourning.  The only words I have are from that adaptation of Nancy Woods work:

A long time you have lived with me

And now we must be going

Separately to be together.

Perhaps you will be the wind

To blur the smooth waters

So that I do not see my face too much.

Perhaps you will be the star

To guide my uncertain wings

So that I have direction in the night.

Perhaps you will be the fire

To separate my thoughts

So that I do not give up.

Perhaps you will be the rain

To open up the earth

So that my seed may fall.

Perhaps you will be the snow

To let my blossoms sleep

So that I may bloom in spring.

Perhaps you will be the stream

To play a song on the rock

So that I am not alone.

Perhaps you will be a new mountain

So that I always have a home

Day 48 -- A laid back day -- lots of memories

Slept in just a little.  It was nice on the clean sheets -- I'm still having night sweats and can't tell what they are about.  Got up, got coffee the paper and was finished in time for Sunday Morning.  Watched the show, thought of how Margaret and I would comment about various parts of the show: started to comment more than once, and did not respond to the silence with sadness.  Maybe that barb is dulled a bit.
Had some household chores to finish, fixed brunch (grapefruit and cheese toast) and wrote the thank you I had been mulling over all day yesterday.  It was for a very special couple, and I wanted to use whatever words to let them know of my appreciation and my feeling of close connection to them.  I think I did that.
Jamie called, and we arranged for them to come over for Father's Day next Sunday.  I haven't see them since the Service, and I was really missing our weekly visits.  Turns out, so was Jamie!
Marcia also called and I could go over her intent for one of the stacks of clothes, and we agreed to send the glasses to one of the organizations that check the prescriptions and give them to a needful person in Central or South America.  I have a call in to Melody to see if she can give me some direction. Marcia sounded good.  It was great to hear her voice.
I was pretty laid back during most of the day.  Guess I am gearing up for a busy week -- Mon thru Thurs are full!

Day 47 -- Maybe the better title is Journey Through Grief

The activities of the day were definitely domestic.  The laundry, picking up stuff left out yesterday, picking up grapefruit, recovering from yesterday, but mostly just living with the all the feelings that come above the surface at the slightest reminder of Margaret or what we did together.  While I can still fuss at myself for things undone or "should, coulda, oughta" have done differently: a lot of that just doesn't have the punch or strength to deter me from just letting my feelings be.
It is entirely possible that this "new life" that I am questing for is really just finding more ways to give myself permission to be me, with all the baggage that I have collected.  I hope I am giving me permission to leave most of that junk at home (so I'll know where it is if I need it).  I think Marcia was right -- my true feelings can be seen in my eyes.  Part of this new life is realizing that I don't have to defend me or my feelings, or wear a mask.  I can safely let me be me and that is acceptable to those who really care.  And I now have no drive to convince anyone who doesn't care -- just accept them and give all the love I can.  Right now, that's hard.

Day 46 -- What a day!

I have been looking forward to this day for several weeks!  Jarrod was coming to spend the better part of the day with me.  His Dad brought him in -- on his way to work -- and would be coming back later so they could go to the Children's Cancer Center for an evening of fun for the kids, a night out for parents.
Jarrod is such a good worker.  When he got here, he had to show me the roller coaster he had gone on with his big buddy -- even showed me the web site that filmed the whole ride.  Awesome
We had done some planning about the project we were going to do, so we finalized the sequence we would follow, using the bricks that were already here and the other materials I had picked up.  Jarrod has made good use of the Lego construction he has been doing, and I was in awe of his ability to visualize the project and anticipate some of the details that would have to be taken into account.
What I had not anticipated was how much energy he put into doing the project -- to the point that breaks were very short, and if I decided to take care of some detail during a break, Jarrod would be ready to get back to work about the time I wanted to sit down.  Most I could do at that point was to hydrate and try to keep up with the young dynamo
We worked hard, sweated hard, Jarrod kept track of time remaining so he could shower and change when his Dad got back with his change of clothes.  When Lee did get here he quietly came in (using the new lock set on the front door) and discovered Jarrod and I crashed in front of TV -- we had finished the project and put up most of the equipment.
I am so proud of Jarrod, and am reveling in getting the opportunity to know him one-on-one.  Can't think of a better way to get to know him during this transitional time of his life (his Mom says he is a 12 year old in an adult body -- he currently looks me straight in the eye when we are standing).  I could tell him how impressed I was in watching him dealing with his younger brother, and hearing him talk about his own adaptations to the little brothers illness -- and personality "changes" brought on by the chemotherapy.  He is impressive.  I have to say he maturity is well beyond a 12 year old.  It was important that this project was clearly his, and really enjoyed being his helper and coach.  He added to his "firsts", and looks forward to spending time here with me because he gets to try new skills and "hang out" with me.  Was I the very proud Grandpa?  You betcha.  Was I the very tired Grandpa? You betcha.  Will I cherish our time together? You betcha.  In so many ways, I realize that this is another channel that is becoming mine to put energy into use, and an alternative to trying to gloss over or "control feelings".  Was all the grief stuff still right close to the surface?  You betcha.  With Jarrod I have the opportunity to share my experiences and knowledge -- and am noticing that while I am "taking care" of him, I am sharing me with him.  I think that is a good use of the energy that is looking for some kind of expression -- although this channel is probably going to switch from dealing with that painful sadness to painful muscles the next day.  I will sleep very well tonight!  Thanks for your willingness to share yourself with me, Jarrod.

Day 45 -- Feelings and Mr. Analytical

At first I thought it was some kind of internal war going on -- a wide range of feelings or just one out of the range would present itself for notice, I would give it some recognition and then Mr. Analytical would jump into the fray to get everything "back to normal".
Laura very skillfully encouraged me to leave the problem solving and take permission to just be me -- and accept that what I am feeling is as much me as any analysis, explanation, rationalization, denial that I most often do.  That's when I could realize that only by taking permission to be me -- feeling -- that is what taking care of someone is now about -- me.  I am also aware that my experience and training is what is in the way.  I don't really have to do that anymore.  I also recognize I don't often give myself permission to just let my feelings hang out -- it feels too close to being completely vulnerable, and I have many more tools to stop that than I have assurance that it really is okay to be vulnerable.
Almost as if programed, the day ended at Liz and David's house for dinner -- Debbie and Sal were also there.  What a congenial gathering of friends -- with much conversation making connections of past histories and present caring for one another.  Didn't spend much energy on evaluating whether the mask was on straight -- just stayed with my friends and let feelings flow as we all acknowledged Margaret's presence among us.  What a profound experience!  What caring and nurture by folks who know the  painfulness of recent grief, and can elegantly express their grief by celebrating that the pain does get less -- the grief is always present.  I was vulnerable, I let it show, and my whole being was ministered to.  Thank you.

Day 44 -- The day almost felt routine

Although doing really un-routine things,  the day was a delightful mixture of experimental cooking, getting some correspondence caught up, having lunch with Lee -- and taking care of several pieces of  business and fun, an appointment, a long conversation with the lady at The Spring Boutique Shop, another delightful conversation with Nancy -- two old folks complaining about the loneliness of being left behind,  sharing clues to working strategies, and acknowledging the fact that we both wanted to be helpful and protective to each other, but were not really sure how to let that happen.
Got the information I needed about The Spring handling the nicer clothes that Margaret used for the dressiest occasions -- in keeping with Margaret's expressed desires about how these clothes would be used.  Will probably also take those clothes that are the newest outfits to The Spring also.  It is really interesting how it is easy to flip-flop between donating clothes and walking away, and wanting to know how the clothing was going to be handled/used.  Nancy recognized that -- said she still had some things of Tony's (he died 10 years ago -- his birthday is tomorrow= would be 95) and when her daughters asked, she would say she didn't know why she could give those things up -- she just couldn't.  I really understood that -- was just a bit surprised that it apparently continues indefinitely.  But then, that football jersey of Robert's (my brother) hung in my (his) closet until I went off to Divinity School and Mom moved to Euclid Circle.
With Lee's consultation, I got the text files posted on this blog.  They are listed on the right -- the "Pages" so if you are of a mind to, you can see the gathering of the family, the Committal, the Memorial service, the Reception, and read all the kind and caring words that came from three different sources.  I have copies of Danny and Bill's manuscripts, and I may give them a page also.
Dinner at the Kennedy's is tomorrow night (with the Landesbergs).  I'm really looking forward to that: I'm prepared for the mask to slip from time to time.  It's getting more and more interesting -- and surprising -- when it slips, or give me the early warning signal that I am getting near something pretty tender: usually a really subtle part of Margaret's presence, or a memory, or an event that has a strong feeling component that I have not yet recognized.

Day 43 -- Its been two months

I was going to write a letter to Margaret on this 2 month anniversary.  There are so many things swirling in my head that I say to her as I'm trying to figure out how to live my life without her here.  The memory thing is great -- it just doesn't quite get it.
As I sat down to write, I realized I'm really not yet ready to agonize over what I am willing to be public, and what I want to keep very private.  Just writing this sentence brings up the early warning symptoms that I am close to a very tender area.  I don't yet have the courage to risk going there on paper (or electrons) -- the warning voice says "you might not be able to get back".  So I'll try again at the 3 month mark.

Day 42 -- The difficulty of good-byes

I never have been good at goodbyes.  Even though I have taught and counseled the importance of these mini-deaths, Margaret and I both would leave each others presence with some form of affirmation that we would be getting back together.  The name of the blog really reflects how that was for us.
Marcia really did a great job of going through lots of clothes, shoes, purses, belts, keepsakes, gloves and the myriad of things collected over 50 years, including residual from my Mom, and Margaret's Mom and Dad.  I was very pleased that a priority for Marcia was things she could wear and use -- knowing that her Mom always took Marcia into consideration when she would buy outfits.
Today was busy around the house -- I did have to sign some papers at the CU.  We went out to lunch at our new favorite place (Datz), had great conversation, and had to stop by Kalupa's so Marcia could take cubans (6!) to Aaron.  My last view of her was walking down the gateway, the Seattle duffle in her hand, along with the bag of Kalupa cubans.
Saying good bye was really tough.  Probably since my grief was so near the surface all weekend, I could not talk to say good bye.  Marcia was awesome -- she read my eyes and told me I was going to be OK -- she was right about what I was saying with my eyes, and she was right about my going to be OK.  I will always miss that from Margaret, and for Marcia to touch me with that reassurance really opened the floodgates.
Almost stopped the car a couple of times, going home, but did my superman imitation and realized what I really wanted to do was get home.  There I was safe, and could let whatever wanted out to bring it on!   It took a couple of hours to really affirm that Marcia was right, and thankfully when she called to tell me she was home, I could tell her so.  Grief is still my most pre-occupying thing right now.  Tomorrow is 2 months since Margaret died.  Two months of walking in a sunlight that does not have her shadow for comfort or support.  Two months of realizing that whether I like it on not, Margaret went Home and I am left with all the reminders of her.  I guess my sadness is the reminder that what we had together now only exists in my memory.  Perhaps it is too early to expect the sadness to be replaced with affirmation and joy.

Day 41 -- And the re-organization continues

Marcia did yeoman's work today sorting clothes, determining a destination for them, and staying alert to whether her work would precipitate another "grief attack".  When she was showing me items for a decision about disposition, and where the "keepers" are, I was interested that I could quickly look at some of the items that were triggers yesterday, and today were just the object of a decision.
What is noticeable: the start of tears, the tight throat, and random sighs are just always below the surface, and while the feelings do not necessarily take form, there is no doubt that they are there.  Just walking into my bedroom and looking at our family picture by the door, and the "rumble" starts.  Or just thinking about Margaret, or seeing one of those very private reminders of "just us" will tighten my throat, my eyes get wet, and I am no longer looking outside myself, but running headlong down memory lane.
Marcia gave me good practice as we sorted some winter weight clothes - determining which ones were Margaret's Dad's, Margaret's, or mine -- and that was largely without reaction -- just decision.  I think Marcia got the biggest kick when we went through a plastic bag of baby clothes that were once Marcia's and could now go to Allie.
Got most of the items on my to-do list got done -- tomorrow will be busy getting things taken care of that required businesses to be open.  Marcia's plane leaves at 6 pm -- I anticipate tomorrow night's entry being well laced with separation anxiety, loneliness and gratitude for the weekend with Marcia.  Maybe I'll take a walk in the mall on the way home from the airport.

Day 40 -- A Surprise

It is great having  Marcia here!  Sometimes I think I am taking advantage by just reveling in the knowledge that she is in the house.  There is that part of me that says I should be doing something,  and I get concerned about her being tired, and back off and choose the option of just enjoying her company.  But when I do, I realize we only have tomorrow and Monday till 4 or so.  We did get the bicycles out, and Marcia cleaned them up while I blew up the tires.  We decided to have an early supper and ride in the early evening.  That didn't happen -- the back tire on the bike Marcia was riding had gone flat -- so tomorrow I'll see if I can get it fixed.  Marcia picked grapefruit, and I attacked those weeks that I have  putting off instead of bicycling.
The big surprise came when Marcia was beginning to sort through the "personal" drawers of Margaret's side of the bed.  At first it was an exciting exploration as we speculated about the things that Margaret had "squirreled". Then when Marcia started on the nightey drawer, she pulled out some of the night clothes that dated back to our first years of marriage.  That started the memories rolling, and when Marcia found Margaret's garter from our wedding, I lost it!  Not since the night Margaret died has the pain, loss, sad, helpless, and alone hit me as hard.  I left the room weeping, and none of usual distractions would work.  I had no choice but to just let the feelings take their course.  This was centered around the early years of our togetherness, and the realization that is now only available in memories that can't be shared with her now is still very, very painful and the tears flow.  I guess this is more of the course of grief that comes with the realization that the whole person is gone, and that loss is a permanent part of who I am from now on.

Day 39 -- An important event

When I found out about just a few of the changes coming to HRBlock, I wanted to know more.  Somewhere in there was this nagging sense that there was more to it, for me, than just the changes that come down from Kansas City about this time each year.  This morning I was clear that my safety place was going to be no more -- it will be closed in Sept. and moved.   But right now, there is nothing certain about who will go where, and what changes there will be to the support mission.
My safety was not so much the place but the people in that place that have been my security blanket through all the agony and distress that surrounded Margaret's illness.  There was that part of me that was about to get paniced!  Where could I find that support and understanding.  What would I have to do to gather such a diverse and skilled group together so at least I could be in their presence?
Had  a long conversation with our Director of Operations.  He is a really caring guy, and when I told him I was calling to assert that I wanted to be a part of whatever changes were being made, and part of the solution he responded so warmly and with such reassurance that I almost (not quite) felt silly for asking. (And that is one of the things I am working on -- asking for what I want just because I want it).  The net result?  Called George, my partner, and then got an email out to the entire TOSC team to let them know of some even greater changes that were already in place, and set a time when we could get together and hear about possibilities "from the horses mouth".  Also got in touch with our surviving DM and tentatively set up a meeting with him -- to talk over my personal involvement in the changes that are occurring in the new district.
Well, I guess that is a good start  in getting back in the saddle.  Perhaps this was amplified by this evening being the Couple's Club meeting.  My first time to be back with the group -- I missed the last two months.  An important event because, though we had seen one another during that time, it was always in the context of an all consuming concern about what was happening to Margaret, and never is a group setting.  This was also my first solo trip to a social group to which Margaret and I both belonged to and were placed in a quasi-leadership position.  I walked to our host home, got there early, and was so warmly greeted that I wondered why I had made such a deal to myself.  We gathered, we ate (fried chicken and really great fixins), we talked, I asserted by expectation that the group would meet in my home for July, we played Buzzwords, and I gave everyone a bookmark from the Memorial Service.  For all my fears and trepidation,  I realized this too was also my safe place, a "security blanket".  As we left, I found out why I had not yet heard about contributions to the Margaret Gandy Scholarship, and how very pleased everyone was to see me there.
I had decided to walk because anytime Margaret and I were at a gathering, particularly if either of us had some responsibility, we would "take it down" -- look for the good things that happened, the funny things, the improvements we could make in our own performance, and what we believed would be the next step based on what had happened during the gathering.  This was important to us -- mostly because it gave us opportunity to strengthen our bond and affirm our love and support for each other.  Don't know that I will ever have conversations like that again -- and now I know that doing that alone and in my own head sucks!
Marcia arrives tomorrow at 6pm so we'll spend the weekend together.  What a great gift!

Day 38 --Maybe not as much.

Slept in for an extra hour this morning.  I had looked at the calendar before going to bed and knew there was nothing listed for today -- so I slept in?!  Did the usual morning routine and then decided to work on my resume -- it needs updating and I have to take a copy with me to the Unemployment orientation next Tuesday.  Did some work on that, checked email, talked to Lee, and read a lot.  I'm working on a rather complicated novel that concerns a family with a lot of adopted coming-of-age kids, and the dynamics of their progression through the teen years and how parents deal with that kaleidoscopic age.  Well written, compact and speaks to my journey from time to time.  A side issue here is to try to get my own writing more compact and less of a navel gaze.
Since there was nothing on the calendar for today, I did just that -- nothing.  Glad I did.  Found out that facing what seems to be a lot of change to one of my "safety spots" easily gets that old "nobody cares" or "maybe if you wait long enough, someone will come and take care of you".  While those are very old idealizations, they still carry depression as the only seeming response available.  So I let it play itself out.  Realized I don't like being without someone to do for or to react to my silliness or sadness.  Also realized I could reach out and find someone to respond to me, and worked on not discounting that because I had to initialize the contact.  Spent some amount of time really allowing myself to experience the "what difference does it make" defense -- realized part of what I have to learn is that it is OK if it makes a difference to me, and that is sufficient reason to do what makes me happy.  That's a change -- showed up unexpectedly.

Day 37 -- Changes, they are a-happening

Starting the day with my to-do list of calls to be made after the holiday, errands to be run, and the kids coming about lunchtime, I could believe that this was just going to be another day of growing in this new lifestyle.  Nothing could be further from the truth.
The calls to reinforce my desire to volunteer with the new computer based SHARE program launch went well, and I got Dea Wilkins' email address so I could ensure she got mine.  The call to Middleton to find out what is going on with their management change, and what is happening to their service on my three different functions that I bought, thinking they would be under one roof (turns out their management change resulted in splitting the different functions up, and I was going to be contacted by three different coordinators now).
The reminder was to ask Pat Sheckler for some time to do some sorting about how best to work out my commitment of time to HRBlock.  Much to my surprise, I realized that the changes that I knew were coming in Block had reached down to the District Manager level, and Pat is now apparently taking care of her dogs and has more time to spend with her nieces and nephews.  I confirmed who was safe in the changes, and called Al to see if he would be available to meet with the Team on the 15th.  More news of changes.  Al and Mike will be in meetings that day -- and there is also some change happening in how the TOSC is going to be organized.  Things are apparently not far enough along to know what that means.
So I got the word out to the Team, and already have three responses.  I stressed it would be a good thing for us to get together, pool whatever information we have, and discuss some strategies for dealing with the changes that are coming -- particularly since BLOCK may have different ideas about using the resource of our Team.
And in the midst of all this (before lunch, even) I placed a call for my bereavement counselor, since she took so long returning my first call, and seemed to not have received my second message to give me a call.  At that point, I was questioning whether and how I wanted to continue with her services.
So last night, as I wrote in this journal, I wondered if perhaps there was some stability coming and I could see more clearly the road ahead.  Tonight I realize that road is even clearer, and it is named change.  Decided, Oh Well, since I got started on this road very reluctantly, I now have the opportunity to welcome the journey, and realize that assumed plans don't always follow the presumed pattern, but will always involve change -- most often unexpected.