Today was SHARE day. I realized that I had neglected to get the order blank adapted and sent to Amy at the church. So I just took the standard copy, and made copies while the inventory delivery was being confirmed. Had opportunity to observe how the integration of the online orders and the regular process worked. Also had opportunity to chat with Betty and Maxine about their view of the process as it is modifying. Since July was the first full month of the online ordering system and the second month of the change is how produce and "basic" packages are managed. Overall, it was a pretty smooth distribution.
I had planned to take the vegetable package out to Eagle Lane. Lee was going to call after the graduation ended -- and suggested that since he was close (actually on the way to his house) that he drop by and pick up the vegetables and I wouldn't have to drive out to Apollo Beach and back. I welcomed that. He also told me he had been given tickets to the Rowdies game tonight, and wondered if I would like to go with them.
We met at the "foot of the bridge" about 7 and watched the Rowdies. Lee noted that the last time he went to a Rowdies game, I probably took him -- he was too young to drive. It was a really good evening -- we finally had a bit of a breeze in the stadium (Steinbrenner Field), which made the intense heat bearable. Sat next to Ed, and we had a good conversation during the game. Didn't solve any of the world's problems, but good conversation none-the-less. When I got home, it was really nice to get out of those wet clothes (through and through), into shorts and T shirt, in the air conditioning. It was really another very good day.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Day 93 -- a real serendipity
What a way to start a day. Jarrod called and asked if he could come over. I had hoped he would be avaailable soon -- and was absolutely thrilled when he initiated the visit. What a guy!! We made our plans for the day -- projects, grocery shopping, cooking, two meals! Of course the outside projects were influenced by using the scooter to get between locations.
We were doing some cooking -- hamburgers and "Steak and Shake" fries (Jarrod had another chance to practice using the professional mandolin) and made plans to try out a cookie recipe (from the Pillsbury cookoff) after the grocery trip. As we were working together in the kitchen, Jarrod said "I really like being here -- I can try out stuff that I haven't done before, and use things that I don't have at home, and besides I like to be with you." I was walking tall after that!
We decided to go swimming next door before doing the shopping. And the temperature while doing the outside projects made the swim a welcomed opportunity to cool off. After getting out, rinsing off the chlorine, putting the wet clothes in the dryer, we journeyed to Publix. Jarrod has requested sushi for dinner, and we realized that his Dad would not have eaten since breakfast. So Jarrod extended the invitation to come for dinner to his Dad, and confirmed what kind of sushi he wanted. He also wanted to include a package of those soy beans that they both like very much. When we got home, Jarrod made me one of his great pizzas. Lee joined us and we had a great dinner together. I really am blessed. Having those two men wanting to spend time with me sure does make my lifestyle change sp much more bearable,
We were doing some cooking -- hamburgers and "Steak and Shake" fries (Jarrod had another chance to practice using the professional mandolin) and made plans to try out a cookie recipe (from the Pillsbury cookoff) after the grocery trip. As we were working together in the kitchen, Jarrod said "I really like being here -- I can try out stuff that I haven't done before, and use things that I don't have at home, and besides I like to be with you." I was walking tall after that!
We decided to go swimming next door before doing the shopping. And the temperature while doing the outside projects made the swim a welcomed opportunity to cool off. After getting out, rinsing off the chlorine, putting the wet clothes in the dryer, we journeyed to Publix. Jarrod has requested sushi for dinner, and we realized that his Dad would not have eaten since breakfast. So Jarrod extended the invitation to come for dinner to his Dad, and confirmed what kind of sushi he wanted. He also wanted to include a package of those soy beans that they both like very much. When we got home, Jarrod made me one of his great pizzas. Lee joined us and we had a great dinner together. I really am blessed. Having those two men wanting to spend time with me sure does make my lifestyle change sp much more bearable,
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Day 92 -- Another new reach out
I had arranged to meet with Bernie at Hyde Park UMC. Because of his Chaplaincy background, plus the varying positions he has held at the church, I decided he would be the one I would let know that I am open to establishing a relationship with a different church. I told him that I was looking toward Hyde Park first because of the long time relative distant relationship I have had with the church. I also acknowledge that because it is a Methodist Church, there is some administrative baggage, and I would need reassurance from Jim (the Senior) that he was willing to deal with any extra energy that would be brought on administratively. The conversation with Bernie was really quite good. I did get into one of my favorite philosophical/theological, and shared with his where I am in thinking about the issues of agendas in a relationship and expanded the concept with his a little bit -- characterizing the agenda hidden from the individual as a possible location for our essence, but also our dark side because of our resistance to let that agenda see the light of day. This also has a lot of implication for the phenomena that we call "conversion" and the individuals finding God in their lives as it's center. Probably, with some more conversations like this, a white paper may become a reality. Have to sketch some of it out and send it off to Danny.
Bernie was most gracious and accepting. He was open enough to acknowledge that my conversation down the agenda path was useful to him. He also acknowledge that it just isn't his thing to go down the philosophical/theological/behavioral path with any frequency -- saying he spends most of his figuring out time in the context of the people he is dealing with in reality. He was most gracious.
I did find out that he most likely was at the hospital around 7pm on April 8th. When I shared the time line with him and what was going on with Margaret at that time, he concurred that he had been observing the no visitor sign. That also prompted me to tell him about the no-clergy part -- he was appropriately amazed and concerned. He also told me about being at the bedside when Jim Ferman, Sr. went home.
I was a little surprised and pleased with the amount of transparency I offered to Bernie. I asked him to look around and see if there is a place he could see me fitting into the life of the church. I acknowledged that in many ways I have already started (in the back door) through the DSP, which he was aware of. It will be interesting to see how the seeds I planted will grow with Bernie. I do not know how fertile and moist the soil is, but I will be looking for any evidence of sprouts.
By the by -- just before I left to meet with Bernie, Heather called to explain to me the insurance foul up, and that it was all fixed. It was really a "wrong form" administrative issue. I thanked Heather for her graciousness in dealing with my grumpiness over the way it was handled by Citizens.
Decided to watch the movie "Invictus" this evening. Very surprisingly, I found tears in my eyes on several occasions -- usually when the Mandella character was being successful as a change agent, and getting confirmation of his life work. I guess the unsettled part about what me future and life will be was a strong contributer to that. Also I realized I had really taken a lot of risk with Bernie -- and while I was not regretting that, there is that scared little boy inside wondering if I had done the wrong thing. Only time will tell.
Bernie was most gracious and accepting. He was open enough to acknowledge that my conversation down the agenda path was useful to him. He also acknowledge that it just isn't his thing to go down the philosophical/theological/behavioral path with any frequency -- saying he spends most of his figuring out time in the context of the people he is dealing with in reality. He was most gracious.
I did find out that he most likely was at the hospital around 7pm on April 8th. When I shared the time line with him and what was going on with Margaret at that time, he concurred that he had been observing the no visitor sign. That also prompted me to tell him about the no-clergy part -- he was appropriately amazed and concerned. He also told me about being at the bedside when Jim Ferman, Sr. went home.
I was a little surprised and pleased with the amount of transparency I offered to Bernie. I asked him to look around and see if there is a place he could see me fitting into the life of the church. I acknowledged that in many ways I have already started (in the back door) through the DSP, which he was aware of. It will be interesting to see how the seeds I planted will grow with Bernie. I do not know how fertile and moist the soil is, but I will be looking for any evidence of sprouts.
By the by -- just before I left to meet with Bernie, Heather called to explain to me the insurance foul up, and that it was all fixed. It was really a "wrong form" administrative issue. I thanked Heather for her graciousness in dealing with my grumpiness over the way it was handled by Citizens.
Decided to watch the movie "Invictus" this evening. Very surprisingly, I found tears in my eyes on several occasions -- usually when the Mandella character was being successful as a change agent, and getting confirmation of his life work. I guess the unsettled part about what me future and life will be was a strong contributer to that. Also I realized I had really taken a lot of risk with Bernie -- and while I was not regretting that, there is that scared little boy inside wondering if I had done the wrong thing. Only time will tell.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Day 91 -- Is this what routine is about?
The HRB course was off to a good start. Kelly is having to handle a complicated subject (cancellation of debt) that is loaded with exceptions. Make the explanation to clients doubly difficult, and really requires a clear understanding and a lot of patience when getting the client to understand the concept.
Because of the problem with the back window yesterday I checked the door after I got home. Found the panel loose. So I left the class and went to Century to ask Tony If I needed to be concerned about the panel being loose. He looked it, said there was not problem -- so instead of taking it back to fix it thn, we decided I would remind him the next time I am in and they will fix it then.
Well, this detour just obliterated my lunch with George in my memory. When I talked to George later, he was gracious and reminded me that we are both subject to Senior Moments. He asked me about a URL that I knew was on my HRB memory stick. When I went to look for it -- I couldn't, and still can't, find it. I know I have had it here at home -- I just put it in a place that I would know for sure where it is. If only I can find that spot.
Did not hear back from Heather Garcia at Members Insurance Center. Reached out to Derek to get the Manager's name and called her -- she is out until tomorrow, so I left a voice mail. She will probably call while I'm talking to Bernie tomorrow. Also did not hear back from Mildred Baker. Probably ought to just send her an email. I was just trying to be responsive to her request to call.
Did hear from the Sleep Center today. There is some pending paperwork that has to be in LinCare's hands before they an deliver my CPAP. She assured me that the Sleep Center was going what they could to get the task done ASAP.
Lee and I had lunch/supper together -- went to Perkins. Got to spend a couple of hours talking about where things are with him and what he plans and hopes are. He is getting himself geared up to say goodbye to the "get by" he has been practicing, and take proactive charge of his life and destiny. It is a little scary to heas your son talking about being in the last 20 years of his work life and is disparaging that he does not believe he has a legacy to leave his sons. I know the feeling and the anguish. My hope and prayer is that he will accept himself and the capable and talented guy that he is, and give up the justifying and defending himself. Our parking lot conversation was about risk taking. Couldn't help remembering Dick Parham's attribute for me -- "Just Do It -- like Nike". I am really blessed to witness what a fine person Lee has made of himself. He honors me by including me in the small group of those he trusts and is using as his sounding board in this quest he is on.
Because of the problem with the back window yesterday I checked the door after I got home. Found the panel loose. So I left the class and went to Century to ask Tony If I needed to be concerned about the panel being loose. He looked it, said there was not problem -- so instead of taking it back to fix it thn, we decided I would remind him the next time I am in and they will fix it then.
Well, this detour just obliterated my lunch with George in my memory. When I talked to George later, he was gracious and reminded me that we are both subject to Senior Moments. He asked me about a URL that I knew was on my HRB memory stick. When I went to look for it -- I couldn't, and still can't, find it. I know I have had it here at home -- I just put it in a place that I would know for sure where it is. If only I can find that spot.
Did not hear back from Heather Garcia at Members Insurance Center. Reached out to Derek to get the Manager's name and called her -- she is out until tomorrow, so I left a voice mail. She will probably call while I'm talking to Bernie tomorrow. Also did not hear back from Mildred Baker. Probably ought to just send her an email. I was just trying to be responsive to her request to call.
Did hear from the Sleep Center today. There is some pending paperwork that has to be in LinCare's hands before they an deliver my CPAP. She assured me that the Sleep Center was going what they could to get the task done ASAP.
Lee and I had lunch/supper together -- went to Perkins. Got to spend a couple of hours talking about where things are with him and what he plans and hopes are. He is getting himself geared up to say goodbye to the "get by" he has been practicing, and take proactive charge of his life and destiny. It is a little scary to heas your son talking about being in the last 20 years of his work life and is disparaging that he does not believe he has a legacy to leave his sons. I know the feeling and the anguish. My hope and prayer is that he will accept himself and the capable and talented guy that he is, and give up the justifying and defending himself. Our parking lot conversation was about risk taking. Couldn't help remembering Dick Parham's attribute for me -- "Just Do It -- like Nike". I am really blessed to witness what a fine person Lee has made of himself. He honors me by including me in the small group of those he trusts and is using as his sounding board in this quest he is on.
Day 90 -- Another first!
Street clothes all day -- Almost like I was back working 9 - 5!
Jack Shelton call -- out of the blue -- Jack called from Waynesville. Brought back lots of really good yet old memories. He is still keeping very busy -- running a non-profit and having to raise scarce money.
hearing aid transmitter on the right was just the wrong size. Made a sore spot on the inside of my ear. Steve put on a longer transmitter, and the fit is just right. Now if the sore spot will go away.
injection week and prescription refill. While there, checked what the status is with LinCare. With tomorrow a full day, won't be a bit surprised if I get a call from them.
supper at Perkins -- didn't want to cook for me, so I let Perkins do the cooking -- and got some vegetables. Good food and worth the trip.
Didn't want to cook for me. But my cookie box is empty, so I baked oatmeal cookies. The are very well done -- I forgot that I needed to reduce the cooking time when I use the small scoop. Oh well, that will be the next batch.
Think I got everything right for the DSP paperwork. I had hoped I would hear from Michelle Baker, but I must have left a message after she was gone for the day. Once I find out what to do about copies, I'll have everything in place to mail the packet.
Bernie called and I will meet with him on Thursday. So do wonder where he was at the time he dated the card he left for Margaret and me.
Citizens mixup on the Homeowner Insurance -- Heather did not inform me about the need for photos to prove I have a hip roof, and Citizens did not inform me they were canceling the credit that was part of the amount I have paid them for the entire year. Heather was not helpful -- she in essence blew me off inferring it was all my fault they had canceled the credit and did not seem interested in correcting the oversight on her part. If she does not return my call by tomorrow, I'll place another call and try to reach her supervisor.
Massey Services demonstrated their name is not true. When I call to find out why the no-show I was promised a return call with an explanantion. Was not forthcoming. Me concern is that the concerned service of Middleton went away when Massey acquired them.
I'm giving myself the assignment of formulating a "white paper": Theme -- conflict of hidden, disimiliar agendas. I think Danny and I can have a lot of fun with the concept. This may be just another description of an ages old problem when communication breaks down, or there is some confusion when stated agendas are not demonstrated in behavior. I'm wondering about those agendas that are hidden from the individual who is acting them out.
From the long day, I am pretty wiped out. So I make a list and save the draft. I'm flesh it out tomorrow. I want to stay with my commitment to write every day -- and I am losing interest in my writing. Not sure what is up about that.
Jack Shelton call -- out of the blue -- Jack called from Waynesville. Brought back lots of really good yet old memories. He is still keeping very busy -- running a non-profit and having to raise scarce money.
hearing aid transmitter on the right was just the wrong size. Made a sore spot on the inside of my ear. Steve put on a longer transmitter, and the fit is just right. Now if the sore spot will go away.
injection week and prescription refill. While there, checked what the status is with LinCare. With tomorrow a full day, won't be a bit surprised if I get a call from them.
supper at Perkins -- didn't want to cook for me, so I let Perkins do the cooking -- and got some vegetables. Good food and worth the trip.
Didn't want to cook for me. But my cookie box is empty, so I baked oatmeal cookies. The are very well done -- I forgot that I needed to reduce the cooking time when I use the small scoop. Oh well, that will be the next batch.
Think I got everything right for the DSP paperwork. I had hoped I would hear from Michelle Baker, but I must have left a message after she was gone for the day. Once I find out what to do about copies, I'll have everything in place to mail the packet.
Bernie called and I will meet with him on Thursday. So do wonder where he was at the time he dated the card he left for Margaret and me.
Citizens mixup on the Homeowner Insurance -- Heather did not inform me about the need for photos to prove I have a hip roof, and Citizens did not inform me they were canceling the credit that was part of the amount I have paid them for the entire year. Heather was not helpful -- she in essence blew me off inferring it was all my fault they had canceled the credit and did not seem interested in correcting the oversight on her part. If she does not return my call by tomorrow, I'll place another call and try to reach her supervisor.
Massey Services demonstrated their name is not true. When I call to find out why the no-show I was promised a return call with an explanantion. Was not forthcoming. Me concern is that the concerned service of Middleton went away when Massey acquired them.
I'm giving myself the assignment of formulating a "white paper": Theme -- conflict of hidden, disimiliar agendas. I think Danny and I can have a lot of fun with the concept. This may be just another description of an ages old problem when communication breaks down, or there is some confusion when stated agendas are not demonstrated in behavior. I'm wondering about those agendas that are hidden from the individual who is acting them out.
From the long day, I am pretty wiped out. So I make a list and save the draft. I'm flesh it out tomorrow. I want to stay with my commitment to write every day -- and I am losing interest in my writing. Not sure what is up about that.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Day 89 -- another first!
Started early so I would be ready for the class -- my first time to do a whole 6 hour day with the DSP course. Had about 12 there, and Anna came to handle the administrative side. She was a real blessing -- very quietly and discreetly handling the details of registration, form completion, money collecting, etc., etc., all of which is really part of the course. She enabled me to concentrate on getting the message of the course across. Most of the participants were repeats -- they had taken the course several times before ( in the case of 4 or 5 of them). They were very gracious at the end and complimented me on the quality of my presentation
Anna left at noon -- and I asked her to send me the information about her next class, so I could get some practice with the administrative stuff, and return the favor she did for me today. He work really made my task easier and a lot more plesant. AND, for all the obsessing I did about making the time line -- I was 30 minutes early for the lunch break, started every until on time, and noticed it was 3:00 when I was walking out of the room for the last time.
Went to the Church Office to thank the folks that were both interested in how things had gone, and graciously accepted my thanks for their contribution to the success of the day. As I left, the secretary called out "see ya in a couple of months". That was really nice.
As I was driving home, I noticed that the back window had decided it did not want to stay in the up position. It was the same window (on the car) that I had trouble on the way back from Coral Springs. So I called Tony at Century to see if anything could be done. He invited me to come right down, took the car, knew what the problem was, and invited me to make myself at home while he fixed it. I left the dealership about 5:30 or so.
When I walked in the house, it smelled so good! Nancy was here today, and she always leaves the house smelling so clear and fresh! I realized that today was the first day in a very long time that I was gone all day! For all the times that I have gone out for a short period of time and then dreaded coming back to an empty house -- this was not one of those. I couldn't wait to get into my lightweight house clothes and just sit in the quite for a few minutes. Then it was back to work -- still have to make a call tomorrow to finish up the paperwork from today -- have two appointments tomorrow, and will most likely finally hear from Bernie at Hyde Park UMC.
The day ended with a call from Lee. The major reason for this call was to tell me that the blog announced they had listed their house today. We talked a long time -- it seemed that neither of us wanted the call to end. We did make plans for a nice long face to face on either Wed or Fri. That man has been carrying a really heavy load, and I am in awe of how he is managing. If the only thing he was facing was selling his house -- that would be one thing. But the whole panoply of issues he is currently carrying -- financial, professional, family, personal is such that can only show the great, unseen strength of character he has. He is my hero!
Anna left at noon -- and I asked her to send me the information about her next class, so I could get some practice with the administrative stuff, and return the favor she did for me today. He work really made my task easier and a lot more plesant. AND, for all the obsessing I did about making the time line -- I was 30 minutes early for the lunch break, started every until on time, and noticed it was 3:00 when I was walking out of the room for the last time.
Went to the Church Office to thank the folks that were both interested in how things had gone, and graciously accepted my thanks for their contribution to the success of the day. As I left, the secretary called out "see ya in a couple of months". That was really nice.
As I was driving home, I noticed that the back window had decided it did not want to stay in the up position. It was the same window (on the car) that I had trouble on the way back from Coral Springs. So I called Tony at Century to see if anything could be done. He invited me to come right down, took the car, knew what the problem was, and invited me to make myself at home while he fixed it. I left the dealership about 5:30 or so.
When I walked in the house, it smelled so good! Nancy was here today, and she always leaves the house smelling so clear and fresh! I realized that today was the first day in a very long time that I was gone all day! For all the times that I have gone out for a short period of time and then dreaded coming back to an empty house -- this was not one of those. I couldn't wait to get into my lightweight house clothes and just sit in the quite for a few minutes. Then it was back to work -- still have to make a call tomorrow to finish up the paperwork from today -- have two appointments tomorrow, and will most likely finally hear from Bernie at Hyde Park UMC.
The day ended with a call from Lee. The major reason for this call was to tell me that the blog announced they had listed their house today. We talked a long time -- it seemed that neither of us wanted the call to end. We did make plans for a nice long face to face on either Wed or Fri. That man has been carrying a really heavy load, and I am in awe of how he is managing. If the only thing he was facing was selling his house -- that would be one thing. But the whole panoply of issues he is currently carrying -- financial, professional, family, personal is such that can only show the great, unseen strength of character he has. He is my hero!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 88 -- And I still have to make the bed
I did some of the usual Sunday morning routine. But tomorrow's class would not stay in the background. I had put off fixing the timer thing on the presentation -- got that done and also put in a placeholder for the lunch break timer. Decided it was far more important to get more familiar with the last four units, so spend the rest of the afternoon on being sure everything was ready, and in the suitcase, for tomorrow. I plan to be there about 8 am to check the room arrangement and the equipment. Anna is coming about 8:30 with the participant's materials and registration. She did not send me an attendance list -- I thought I was supposed to call each person and tell them to bring a light lunch. I can only hope she did that piece of business.
Did the laundry -- at least the sheets and bed "sock". Also washed and bleached the kitchen towels and the mat from my bath. Since Nancy is coming tomorrow, I made sure the non-dishwasher dishes were done. After taking sheets, etc. out of the dryer I piled them on the bed. It's now after 12 -- the end of a day that sure did go a lot faster than I thought -- and I still have to make up the bed.
Did the laundry -- at least the sheets and bed "sock". Also washed and bleached the kitchen towels and the mat from my bath. Since Nancy is coming tomorrow, I made sure the non-dishwasher dishes were done. After taking sheets, etc. out of the dryer I piled them on the bed. It's now after 12 -- the end of a day that sure did go a lot faster than I thought -- and I still have to make up the bed.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Day 87 -- A lively house!
Christian, Jamie, Allie, Bella and Spike visited today -- what a marvelous difference from previous days. Allie was her most charmin' self, showing off her ability to not only get around (still crawling, but not for long), but to move pretty quickly. There was motion and activity -- inside and outside -- all day: what a great experience! In the midst of all this, I had opportunity to have good conversations with Jamie and Christian. We had Chinese for lunch, made plans for outside projects (is was way too hot and humid today), got caught up on everything since the last time there were here, looked at pictures and Google maps of their soon to be house (rented), and thoroughly enjoyed each others company. At least I did. I really think Jamie and Christian did also.
I didn't sleep well last night -- had about a 1 1/2 hour break during the night. I really believe that I am really dreading apnea episodes, and either go to bed later and later or come awake and do not want to go back to sleep. Thankfully, Dr. W's office called yesterday and I asked them to expedite the order to the company that will be delivering the machine and instructions.
After the kids left, I had to make myself stay awake -- the temptation was very much to put on a movie and just sleep in front of it. I did put on one of the Netflix streaming movies and had to wake myself up from brief naps. Got back to work on the DSP manual. Had to do a little research, but finally found a countdown timer I can embed in the presentation for breaks and lunch. Thankfully, after locating them, the download was simple. Now I have to get them embedded. That is going to be a project for tomorrow. It's before 10:30 and I'm going to see what happens if I go to bed right now.
I didn't sleep well last night -- had about a 1 1/2 hour break during the night. I really believe that I am really dreading apnea episodes, and either go to bed later and later or come awake and do not want to go back to sleep. Thankfully, Dr. W's office called yesterday and I asked them to expedite the order to the company that will be delivering the machine and instructions.
After the kids left, I had to make myself stay awake -- the temptation was very much to put on a movie and just sleep in front of it. I did put on one of the Netflix streaming movies and had to wake myself up from brief naps. Got back to work on the DSP manual. Had to do a little research, but finally found a countdown timer I can embed in the presentation for breaks and lunch. Thankfully, after locating them, the download was simple. Now I have to get them embedded. That is going to be a project for tomorrow. It's before 10:30 and I'm going to see what happens if I go to bed right now.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Day 86 -- Generational future finding
It has been floating around in my head for some time now. Mc got me started when he told me that when my sister died, "the curtain dropped on [my] future". He said that in the context of telling me that after a year, he could handle the big things, it was the day-to-day he just couldn't handle. (His call was to tell me he was getting remarried).
I realized that most of the personal work I am doing now is like that -- trying to build a future without benefit of a life partner. Sure, I have 75 years of experience to draw on -- albeit mostly involving a significant other -- mother, sister, maid, brother, brother-in-law.... What I don't have -- except in very limited ways -- is experience standing on my own and handling the day-by-day issues of living. Yes, I can create or join groups or activities where others are involved: it's not the same.
Then, in a long conversation with Lee today, I realized that now in his mid-forties, he is facing the task of building his future -- and that future has with him his wife and two minor sons. He has a lot of experience to draw on -- and he has to make the definition that will work for him. He has spent so much of his life being concerned with what others think and trying to emulate what he thinks others want him to be. As we talked I celebrated the possibility that he can tune into his wide-ranging experience and knowledge and create a future using all of those things as an expression of himself. I assured him that if he would stand up for the guy I know (behind all those demands to be what others perceive), not only will he craft an important and fulfilling future, those who depend on him will gladly and enthusiastic follow.
Then I thought of Christian, who is struggling with his future and the seeming polarity of what produces financial security and what he really wants to do. I am afraid that, like his father, he is overlooking -- right now -- that strong, creative, skilled and intelligent being he is that has the ability to strike a balance between the demands of others and his own growing sense of worth.
As I sat back down at the computer to write this (I have been on the computer all day with DSP), and looked at Joshua's story, two things really struck me. First, Jarrod completed his advanced Mindstorm camp today -- his father was there to celebrate the closing competition -- and showed so many signs of getting himself together to take himself appropriately into the future. He has the advantage of still being in the place that anything is not only possible, there is a lot of probable in there.
Second, in the blog (joshuagandy.blogspot.com) Lee relates one of those golden moments for a parent -- particularly a cancer parent. Josh asked why there was a picture of him on the dash of the car. Lee replied "to remind me of what is most important". After a few thoughtful moments, Josh asked "...'Do you think I will beat cancer?' My [Lee's] throat tightened up as I responded 'I have no doubt.' Joshua said, 'If I can stand up to my big brother then I am strong enough to beat cancer.' 'Yes',I said, 'you definitely are strong enough.' Such is the profound wisdom of an eight year old cancer survivor."
The future is in good hands for all generations.
I realized that most of the personal work I am doing now is like that -- trying to build a future without benefit of a life partner. Sure, I have 75 years of experience to draw on -- albeit mostly involving a significant other -- mother, sister, maid, brother, brother-in-law.... What I don't have -- except in very limited ways -- is experience standing on my own and handling the day-by-day issues of living. Yes, I can create or join groups or activities where others are involved: it's not the same.
Then, in a long conversation with Lee today, I realized that now in his mid-forties, he is facing the task of building his future -- and that future has with him his wife and two minor sons. He has a lot of experience to draw on -- and he has to make the definition that will work for him. He has spent so much of his life being concerned with what others think and trying to emulate what he thinks others want him to be. As we talked I celebrated the possibility that he can tune into his wide-ranging experience and knowledge and create a future using all of those things as an expression of himself. I assured him that if he would stand up for the guy I know (behind all those demands to be what others perceive), not only will he craft an important and fulfilling future, those who depend on him will gladly and enthusiastic follow.
Then I thought of Christian, who is struggling with his future and the seeming polarity of what produces financial security and what he really wants to do. I am afraid that, like his father, he is overlooking -- right now -- that strong, creative, skilled and intelligent being he is that has the ability to strike a balance between the demands of others and his own growing sense of worth.
As I sat back down at the computer to write this (I have been on the computer all day with DSP), and looked at Joshua's story, two things really struck me. First, Jarrod completed his advanced Mindstorm camp today -- his father was there to celebrate the closing competition -- and showed so many signs of getting himself together to take himself appropriately into the future. He has the advantage of still being in the place that anything is not only possible, there is a lot of probable in there.
Second, in the blog (joshuagandy.blogspot.com) Lee relates one of those golden moments for a parent -- particularly a cancer parent. Josh asked why there was a picture of him on the dash of the car. Lee replied "to remind me of what is most important". After a few thoughtful moments, Josh asked "...'Do you think I will beat cancer?' My [Lee's] throat tightened up as I responded 'I have no doubt.' Joshua said, 'If I can stand up to my big brother then I am strong enough to beat cancer.' 'Yes',I said, 'you definitely are strong enough.' Such is the profound wisdom of an eight year old cancer survivor."
The future is in good hands for all generations.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Day 85 -- nightmares do happen
Well, it's Thursday, and I haven't heard from the AARP fulfillment center. So, I called -- and sure enough, they could not find me in the system. That meant no supplies have been shipped for my class on Monday. I left a message for Anna -- in hopes she had enough left-over supplies. The person at the fulfillment center said they were not doing rush orders -- but that didn't matter because I was not in the new system. Anna called back a little later, and had everything needed. She gave me the important hint -- do the ordering by phone so if there is any problem, it can be worked out.
After getting me new transmitters (hearing aids), I stopped by Dr. W's office to see if the sleep study report had come in. They took my number, said they would call me when it comes in. Haven't heard by this evening, so I'm reasonably sure I won't see by CPAP equipment until next week.
Jamie did call -- and they will be over on Saturday. Hope it will be a little cooler so we can get some things done in the yard. Finally got a call back from Massey Services, and the supervisor will be by next Tuesday, so I am putting off adding dirt to the spots in the front yard, I want Mr. Lyerly to see what has happened on their watch.
Spent most of the day working on the DSP manual. It is not going as fast as I had hoped, but it sure is good preparation for Monday! Did get the video clips in -- they really worked well! Just have to be sure they transferred over -- so the program will play on any computer!
Nothing scheduled for tomorrow -- so maybe I can get all 8 units "in the can".
After getting me new transmitters (hearing aids), I stopped by Dr. W's office to see if the sleep study report had come in. They took my number, said they would call me when it comes in. Haven't heard by this evening, so I'm reasonably sure I won't see by CPAP equipment until next week.
Jamie did call -- and they will be over on Saturday. Hope it will be a little cooler so we can get some things done in the yard. Finally got a call back from Massey Services, and the supervisor will be by next Tuesday, so I am putting off adding dirt to the spots in the front yard, I want Mr. Lyerly to see what has happened on their watch.
Spent most of the day working on the DSP manual. It is not going as fast as I had hoped, but it sure is good preparation for Monday! Did get the video clips in -- they really worked well! Just have to be sure they transferred over -- so the program will play on any computer!
Nothing scheduled for tomorrow -- so maybe I can get all 8 units "in the can".
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Day 84 -- a good day
Got to the POD early -- had a chance to check with Susan about the POM claim notification, and then had a good, long talk with Mike T., Bob H., and Steve S. Things at HRB are still up in the air. Mike thinks there will be some evident stability showing in 30 - 60 days. That just happens to be a pretty stock answer for Mike -- it has occasional accuracy. Steve's wife is showing more signs of disease progression (she has Alzheimer's). We finished the class -- during the practice time, I spent most of the time networking and coaching, after I finished the first class exercise. Also found out today several of us in that class are taking the next two classes meeting on Wed am for the next 4 weeks. We're all just getting in our CE hours, and the Wed morning classes just fit our schedules.
Came home and after lunch, took the course exam and passed -- even though my Windows has a bit of trouble with the online exam.
I am noticing there seems to be a difference in how I'm looking at things. I don't take things so seriously and and far less defensive. Even giving myself less of a hard time when I just "chill out" instead of doing something I "should". I guess it is because I have experienced such a great loss, everything else seem to shrink in importance. Also I am finding that I have a lot more patience. I don't obsess over a planned event or occasion like I used to. Just acknowledge that I would like for something to happen more quickly and don't have to obsess over how it will turn out -- I am much more willing to wait and see (as if there is a choice.).
Came home and after lunch, took the course exam and passed -- even though my Windows has a bit of trouble with the online exam.
I am noticing there seems to be a difference in how I'm looking at things. I don't take things so seriously and and far less defensive. Even giving myself less of a hard time when I just "chill out" instead of doing something I "should". I guess it is because I have experienced such a great loss, everything else seem to shrink in importance. Also I am finding that I have a lot more patience. I don't obsess over a planned event or occasion like I used to. Just acknowledge that I would like for something to happen more quickly and don't have to obsess over how it will turn out -- I am much more willing to wait and see (as if there is a choice.).
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Day 83 -- After the second night at the Sleep Center
Got to the Sleep Center about 8:15. I was ready before that -- stopped by Square 1 for buffalo sliders and sweet potato fries. Really good! Linda has everything laid out for me. Got to sleep about 10:15 -- didn't really wake up till about 5 am. It was a good night's sleep -- even with that "lip pillow" mask under my nose and all those wires connected to my body. Thursday I will call Dr. W's office to get the prescription headed to Bay Care so they can get the machine to me early next week. Based on the experience last night, I believe I have just started learning how much better and healthier I can feel. We shall see!
Today was Josh's day to come over and swim. Lee brought him and we had a good time. Josh was on his way to tutoring, and we managed to work in a little baseball (well, whiffle ball technically) as well as a very nice swim. It is so great that Lois (next door) insisted that the boys use the pool. And of course, that thrilled the boys.
Lee and I got to talk briefly about where he is with all the unfinished business that has been swirling around his life and family since Josh was diagnosed. I want so badly to help them -- and at the same time I don't want to make the way harder for them by making a decision or taking an action that they will have to live with. This has been my struggle all of Lee's life: I know that when he asks for my help -- even if it is to just listen --it will be a great experience watching him carefully and thoroughly examine all his options and make the right decision for him and his family. He has been a long time getting here -- and is currently faced with the kind of issues that I wish I were powerful enough and/or smart enough to have kept from happening. One this I am realizing more and more -- I need someone to take care of -- I don't think I want to find another life partner -- I just need to be needed. Maybe what is going on with Lee and his family will provide me what I am looking for.
Tomorrow is another HRB class -- Sherry will finish the Amended Returns class. I am really liking being back in class -- and the interchange. Sure would be nice to know there the tax season is going. Mike T. did a conference call -- good idea, and a good way to cover the double load that he now has to manage. Maybe I'll get to tell him that tomorrow.
Today was Josh's day to come over and swim. Lee brought him and we had a good time. Josh was on his way to tutoring, and we managed to work in a little baseball (well, whiffle ball technically) as well as a very nice swim. It is so great that Lois (next door) insisted that the boys use the pool. And of course, that thrilled the boys.
Lee and I got to talk briefly about where he is with all the unfinished business that has been swirling around his life and family since Josh was diagnosed. I want so badly to help them -- and at the same time I don't want to make the way harder for them by making a decision or taking an action that they will have to live with. This has been my struggle all of Lee's life: I know that when he asks for my help -- even if it is to just listen --it will be a great experience watching him carefully and thoroughly examine all his options and make the right decision for him and his family. He has been a long time getting here -- and is currently faced with the kind of issues that I wish I were powerful enough and/or smart enough to have kept from happening. One this I am realizing more and more -- I need someone to take care of -- I don't think I want to find another life partner -- I just need to be needed. Maybe what is going on with Lee and his family will provide me what I am looking for.
Tomorrow is another HRB class -- Sherry will finish the Amended Returns class. I am really liking being back in class -- and the interchange. Sure would be nice to know there the tax season is going. Mike T. did a conference call -- good idea, and a good way to cover the double load that he now has to manage. Maybe I'll get to tell him that tomorrow.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day 81 -- After a rough night...
One more time (in the last three months) I slept for about 1 1/2 hours, then was wide awake. Rather than toss and turn, I went to the great room, watched the end of a movie (Up) I had started earlier in the day -- trying out my new subscription to Netflix -- had a snack, and finally went back to bed about 4 am. The alarm went off at 7 so I got up to start the day.
Checked in with the kids -- Jarrod has a great birthday. Even though it was really hot, they managed to get around Epcot by going to an air conditioned place between any outside activities. As I suspected, they did get home late, and did sleep in some this morning.
Spent most of the day getting the DSP manual into Powerpoint. Had to start it over twice -- I forgot that MS Office is skittish and requires frequent saving. I have enough done that there is a rhythm that will make completion a lot simpler.
I mentioned Margaret's mantra last night. When we were cleaning out some of her Mom's stuff, we found a prayer that she saved -- don't know if she copied it, or originated it. It really fit her, and gives testimony to the example Margaret had for the way she lived her life. The prayer was out of place for a while (at least as far as I knew). The other day, I was looking over some stuff on Margaret's desk, and found it again. I'm going to capture it here so it doesn't get lost again:
MY PRAYER
Our Father who art in heaven,
Walk beside me so that I may see ways and means
To be a little kinder to those who pass my way,
And make a special effort to brighten someone's day.
Never to weep because my talents are so few;
But search for ways to make the ones I have come through.
To hold my tongue and not to criticize;
There's more to know that meets the eyes.
To overlook some thoughtless word, and just pretend....
I never heard.
Never to forget though I may rush and run,
To smile and say "THANK YOU" for each kindness done.
To open my heart as I open my mind,
And overcome prejudices so that I may grow kind.
Not to ruin today by yesterday's sorrow;
And tomorrow's troubles....try not to borrow.
To keep my faith in goodness and what is right;
So when the day is ended, I can sleep at night.
God grant me the courage and the strength of heart;
to THINK as a CHRISTIAN and to LIVE the part.
Your humble servant,
I had hoped to scan this -- it was the original paper Sophie (Margaret's Mom) passed on. More important, she walked this walk, and left us this challenge.
Checked in with the kids -- Jarrod has a great birthday. Even though it was really hot, they managed to get around Epcot by going to an air conditioned place between any outside activities. As I suspected, they did get home late, and did sleep in some this morning.
Spent most of the day getting the DSP manual into Powerpoint. Had to start it over twice -- I forgot that MS Office is skittish and requires frequent saving. I have enough done that there is a rhythm that will make completion a lot simpler.
I mentioned Margaret's mantra last night. When we were cleaning out some of her Mom's stuff, we found a prayer that she saved -- don't know if she copied it, or originated it. It really fit her, and gives testimony to the example Margaret had for the way she lived her life. The prayer was out of place for a while (at least as far as I knew). The other day, I was looking over some stuff on Margaret's desk, and found it again. I'm going to capture it here so it doesn't get lost again:
MY PRAYER
Our Father who art in heaven,
Walk beside me so that I may see ways and means
To be a little kinder to those who pass my way,
And make a special effort to brighten someone's day.
Never to weep because my talents are so few;
But search for ways to make the ones I have come through.
To hold my tongue and not to criticize;
There's more to know that meets the eyes.
To overlook some thoughtless word, and just pretend....
I never heard.
Never to forget though I may rush and run,
To smile and say "THANK YOU" for each kindness done.
To open my heart as I open my mind,
And overcome prejudices so that I may grow kind.
Not to ruin today by yesterday's sorrow;
And tomorrow's troubles....try not to borrow.
To keep my faith in goodness and what is right;
So when the day is ended, I can sleep at night.
God grant me the courage and the strength of heart;
to THINK as a CHRISTIAN and to LIVE the part.
Your humble servant,
I had hoped to scan this -- it was the original paper Sophie (Margaret's Mom) passed on. More important, she walked this walk, and left us this challenge.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day 80 -- a piddling day
The Sat. morn routine is headed by refilling my meds for the week. When I ended up short, I realized I had not picked up medication. Paniced that I had overlooked ordering, I made the trip to Publix as soon as I was ready to start the day. Funny, I had ordered the meds I needed; the tech greeted me and went to the shelf to get the meds (she knows my name!), and sure enough, my system for ordering had worked -- I just didn't remember to pick they up. While there, I picked up a few other perishables that I needed.
Got home, and just piddled for most of the day. Thought of the kids (celebrating Jarrod's birthday at Epcot) and sent Jarrod a birthday greeting text. Can't wait to see what robots he will build. Might go out there tomorrow -- afternoon in case they sleep in.
The highlight of the day was a call from Danny. He wanted me to know he had gotten my note. I wanted to pick his brain about CPAP. And, of course, I had some questions I wanted him to field. Started by the news report about the significant increase in suicides in the military. My questions to Danny has to do with the apparent overlooking the environment ofjust saying no and suicide being seen as a weakness was not a setting to do much therapeutic or compassionate care. Good ol Danny -- he went immediately to one of my favorite issues -- Problem solving does not occur as long as there are dissimilar agendas.
Danny also gave me some great feedback on my writing. He suggestions were gifts and cut right to the chase. I also realized that if nothing else has happened on this journey, I am losing my need to prove my point, or describe any difference with my agenda. I am liking so much more just hearing what others have to say, and the accepting what I can use and/or understand. I know some of that comes from the necessity of no longer hearing very well, and a lot of it comes from remembering Margaret's mantra: "Ask for what you want; Accept what you get; and give a lot of Love." She did that consistently in her life, and left a legacy of how affirming that was to anyone she met. I've tried to live up to that all of our life together. Now when I miss her so terribly, remembering her mantra is a momentary touch of her hand on me. Not the same as the real thing -- it is a substitute I gladly seek.
Got home, and just piddled for most of the day. Thought of the kids (celebrating Jarrod's birthday at Epcot) and sent Jarrod a birthday greeting text. Can't wait to see what robots he will build. Might go out there tomorrow -- afternoon in case they sleep in.
The highlight of the day was a call from Danny. He wanted me to know he had gotten my note. I wanted to pick his brain about CPAP. And, of course, I had some questions I wanted him to field. Started by the news report about the significant increase in suicides in the military. My questions to Danny has to do with the apparent overlooking the environment ofjust saying no and suicide being seen as a weakness was not a setting to do much therapeutic or compassionate care. Good ol Danny -- he went immediately to one of my favorite issues -- Problem solving does not occur as long as there are dissimilar agendas.
Danny also gave me some great feedback on my writing. He suggestions were gifts and cut right to the chase. I also realized that if nothing else has happened on this journey, I am losing my need to prove my point, or describe any difference with my agenda. I am liking so much more just hearing what others have to say, and the accepting what I can use and/or understand. I know some of that comes from the necessity of no longer hearing very well, and a lot of it comes from remembering Margaret's mantra: "Ask for what you want; Accept what you get; and give a lot of Love." She did that consistently in her life, and left a legacy of how affirming that was to anyone she met. I've tried to live up to that all of our life together. Now when I miss her so terribly, remembering her mantra is a momentary touch of her hand on me. Not the same as the real thing -- it is a substitute I gladly seek.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day 80 --Busy but not very active
Spent most of the day getting set up for the DSP. Talked to Aubrey about a timing issue, and asked Anna to give me tips about staging the day. I'm sure I won't have the Powerpoint done, and I think I need to do the course at least twice to figure out the best use. I'm still going to try to have as much of the manual in the computer as possible by the 26th. It will help ensure I am familiar with the material so I can maximize the flow. Anna told me she calls all her participants -- to remind them - but to also suggest they bring a sandwich or something for lunch -- since we will only have 30 minutes. I will be using that time to ensure that the certificates are correct so I can hand them out at the end of the course.
Tomorrow is Jarrod's big day. Not only does he turn 13, but he and Josh get to go to Epcot to celebrate. I am very proud of how Jarrod is making this transition --- he is an absolute joy to have around and have conversations with. When he gets back, I will make a special trip to see his latest Lego acquisition -- since he has been to two weeks of camp to become familiar with the robots that can be built. It is really privilege to see this young man getting so comfortable in his skin, and displaying some of the decisions he has made about who he is and how he is managing all the changes going on for him.
Speaking of changes -- I know Renee was "ranting" in that great piece she did on Josh's blog: she really revealed the side of her that knows the frustration of dealing with the reality that her youngest has a potentially fatal disease and equally articulated thr strong, caring and determined faith in the strength that has and continues to grow as the four of them deal with the really tough hand they have been dealt. I read her blog, and realized that they are the only ones that can play the hand they have, and accepted the reality that I nor anyone else can even approach the right thing to do for them -- and they are managing the very best way. I just hope that I have some resource to assist them when they need it. I have always hesitated to impose myself on Lee and Renee out of respect for their strengths and assurance that they are well equipped to develop their relationship into the strong bond that it is today. I think Margaret saw and appreciated how there were melding their family -- I just sorry that she is not here physically to witness and appreciate their coping skills. I am confident she knows, and is smiling.
Tomorrow is Jarrod's big day. Not only does he turn 13, but he and Josh get to go to Epcot to celebrate. I am very proud of how Jarrod is making this transition --- he is an absolute joy to have around and have conversations with. When he gets back, I will make a special trip to see his latest Lego acquisition -- since he has been to two weeks of camp to become familiar with the robots that can be built. It is really privilege to see this young man getting so comfortable in his skin, and displaying some of the decisions he has made about who he is and how he is managing all the changes going on for him.
Speaking of changes -- I know Renee was "ranting" in that great piece she did on Josh's blog: she really revealed the side of her that knows the frustration of dealing with the reality that her youngest has a potentially fatal disease and equally articulated thr strong, caring and determined faith in the strength that has and continues to grow as the four of them deal with the really tough hand they have been dealt. I read her blog, and realized that they are the only ones that can play the hand they have, and accepted the reality that I nor anyone else can even approach the right thing to do for them -- and they are managing the very best way. I just hope that I have some resource to assist them when they need it. I have always hesitated to impose myself on Lee and Renee out of respect for their strengths and assurance that they are well equipped to develop their relationship into the strong bond that it is today. I think Margaret saw and appreciated how there were melding their family -- I just sorry that she is not here physically to witness and appreciate their coping skills. I am confident she knows, and is smiling.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Day 79 -- the computer just said it's 12 o clock
Sat down about 3 Pink Panther cartoons ago. I was looking up a site that Marcia gave me -- to find a "power tool drag race" to see if there was any hint what the race is about. I did -- and it didn't have a clue. Accidentally saw a reference to a movie that looks interesting, Hulu gadget did not work on my browser so I went to the real thing. Happened to click on comedy, and there was the Pink Panther. I have a hard time resisting anything by Blake Edwards (the cartoons) and cannot resist the Peter Sellers version of the Pink Panther. Three cartoons rolled by, the computer announced the time, and I realized I had been distracted enough.
Went by the Sleep Center today -- tried out two masks -- really liked the "lip pillow", and was amazed at the effect that CPAP had on my body. The had me stretch out and rest while I tried the masks. I told the nurse that I believe my expectations far exceed the reality of what this process will do for me. She was very kind, and encouraged me to have high expectations. I go back next Monday night to sleep while they tweak the pressure to just right for me, we order the equipment the next morning, and then probably Bay Care will deliver asap. Then I will have a new bedroom companion. If it just stops the night sweats, I will be way ahead and quite happy. Any other benefits will just be serendipities. From what I have been told, I can expect many serendipities!
Sent Danny a note, telling him I would be using the distilled water he left here in my CPAP. I'm looking forward to exchanging stories about our masks and any benefit they accrue.
Talked to Marcia about her birthday. Lordy -- Marcia is over 40! Anyway, she had a great idea for a gift. Now all I need to do is recruit Jarrod and Josh to join me in making up a story or card to send to her. I think that is going to be fun -- and Marcia is OK about the gift being a little late. I momentarily thought about hopping on a Southwest flight to Columbus, take Marcia and Aaron out to dinner for Marcia' birthday (with Graeter's Ice Cream for dessert) and then come right back here for my Sleep Study appointment. Only problem -- I could not get the schedule to work in my favor. So creating a card is a best Plan B.
I'm beginning to get some objectivity about this whole grief experience. Still apparently have a ways to go, but I am realizing that I am doing some of the same things that I have seen family members do. And part of that is a change in the way to look at what others do. More than ever before, I can much more easily make an observation (of whatever is going on) and realize that I have no need to defend or qualify my observation. Realizing that others are going to do what is best for themselves based on their view of reality, I am gaining confidence in accepting me where I am without any need to observe, comment, or even understand any point of view I am offered. If fact, it is a lot more fun to just accept what I am given and keep only what I want. Maybe that attitude will be of great help in getting rid of a lot of the "laters" laying around this house. The more I create space and have orderliness, the better I like it, and find it easier to accept the fact that the future those "laters" were accumulated for will never happen. Probably won't be completely successful until I am more confident in what my new future is.
Went by the Sleep Center today -- tried out two masks -- really liked the "lip pillow", and was amazed at the effect that CPAP had on my body. The had me stretch out and rest while I tried the masks. I told the nurse that I believe my expectations far exceed the reality of what this process will do for me. She was very kind, and encouraged me to have high expectations. I go back next Monday night to sleep while they tweak the pressure to just right for me, we order the equipment the next morning, and then probably Bay Care will deliver asap. Then I will have a new bedroom companion. If it just stops the night sweats, I will be way ahead and quite happy. Any other benefits will just be serendipities. From what I have been told, I can expect many serendipities!
Sent Danny a note, telling him I would be using the distilled water he left here in my CPAP. I'm looking forward to exchanging stories about our masks and any benefit they accrue.
Talked to Marcia about her birthday. Lordy -- Marcia is over 40! Anyway, she had a great idea for a gift. Now all I need to do is recruit Jarrod and Josh to join me in making up a story or card to send to her. I think that is going to be fun -- and Marcia is OK about the gift being a little late. I momentarily thought about hopping on a Southwest flight to Columbus, take Marcia and Aaron out to dinner for Marcia' birthday (with Graeter's Ice Cream for dessert) and then come right back here for my Sleep Study appointment. Only problem -- I could not get the schedule to work in my favor. So creating a card is a best Plan B.
I'm beginning to get some objectivity about this whole grief experience. Still apparently have a ways to go, but I am realizing that I am doing some of the same things that I have seen family members do. And part of that is a change in the way to look at what others do. More than ever before, I can much more easily make an observation (of whatever is going on) and realize that I have no need to defend or qualify my observation. Realizing that others are going to do what is best for themselves based on their view of reality, I am gaining confidence in accepting me where I am without any need to observe, comment, or even understand any point of view I am offered. If fact, it is a lot more fun to just accept what I am given and keep only what I want. Maybe that attitude will be of great help in getting rid of a lot of the "laters" laying around this house. The more I create space and have orderliness, the better I like it, and find it easier to accept the fact that the future those "laters" were accumulated for will never happen. Probably won't be completely successful until I am more confident in what my new future is.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Day 78 -- Today was good
And, I am anticipating trying on the "Darth Vader" mask tomorrow. I am really ready to give up the night sweats and the momentary naps that happen under various circumstances -- usually while I am still and no matter what I am doing.
Started the Wednesday morning routine today -- classes from 9 - 12: they will continue through the first week in August. The great thing about the class today was Sherry taught it -- she is soooo good! It is very obvious that she loves teaching, and does it in such a caring way. Steve S. was there -- things are not going any better at his house -- if anything it is getting worse. He is in the mode of coping by just taking whatever happens one day -- sometimes moment -- at a time. And this process has been going on for so long. Bob H. also wanted to find out what I know about what is going to happen to the TOSC. With all the changes that are already in place, there is still much to be settled. And with the sudden change of CEO (Alan Bennett who presided over the changes that brought Russ Smyth on board) one can only hope that Smyth's function was to get the company leaner and meaner particularly at the top -- carrying out the Board's design (generated while Bennett was interim CEO). Am going to have to see if I can get Al to have a pizza soon -- maybe I'll get to see where they are moving.
I guess that if left to grieving people, there would not be phone calls and mailings that increase after a loved one dies of cancer (or any of the other dreaded killers -- I suspect). By the same token, they would be able to shame the telemarketers who call and asked for the deceased by name. I think in a perfect world, there might be a little concern for the person left after a death, and respect for the deceased. But this is not a perfect world. I can only believe these systems exist the way they are to make sales, and no individual is more important than generating calling and mailing lists. The DNC directory becomes meaningless when the definition of "having a business relationship" is so loose, and the enforcement of the rule is so lax. I pity the poor person trying to make minimum wage calling nameless faces to read meaningless scripts that are designed to separate people from their money when it is the least opportune time. I think it is just plain shameful. Unfortunately that parameter seems to have gone the way of the Edsel. I just know that when I get one of those phone calls, I find myself going back over some painful ground that I thought was smoother. I really don't like that. And particular when it is at the hands of some anonymous stranger with a very different agenda than mine. Maybe that is just part of dealing with some of reality that is a good part of grief work.
Started the Wednesday morning routine today -- classes from 9 - 12: they will continue through the first week in August. The great thing about the class today was Sherry taught it -- she is soooo good! It is very obvious that she loves teaching, and does it in such a caring way. Steve S. was there -- things are not going any better at his house -- if anything it is getting worse. He is in the mode of coping by just taking whatever happens one day -- sometimes moment -- at a time. And this process has been going on for so long. Bob H. also wanted to find out what I know about what is going to happen to the TOSC. With all the changes that are already in place, there is still much to be settled. And with the sudden change of CEO (Alan Bennett who presided over the changes that brought Russ Smyth on board) one can only hope that Smyth's function was to get the company leaner and meaner particularly at the top -- carrying out the Board's design (generated while Bennett was interim CEO). Am going to have to see if I can get Al to have a pizza soon -- maybe I'll get to see where they are moving.
I guess that if left to grieving people, there would not be phone calls and mailings that increase after a loved one dies of cancer (or any of the other dreaded killers -- I suspect). By the same token, they would be able to shame the telemarketers who call and asked for the deceased by name. I think in a perfect world, there might be a little concern for the person left after a death, and respect for the deceased. But this is not a perfect world. I can only believe these systems exist the way they are to make sales, and no individual is more important than generating calling and mailing lists. The DNC directory becomes meaningless when the definition of "having a business relationship" is so loose, and the enforcement of the rule is so lax. I pity the poor person trying to make minimum wage calling nameless faces to read meaningless scripts that are designed to separate people from their money when it is the least opportune time. I think it is just plain shameful. Unfortunately that parameter seems to have gone the way of the Edsel. I just know that when I get one of those phone calls, I find myself going back over some painful ground that I thought was smoother. I really don't like that. And particular when it is at the hands of some anonymous stranger with a very different agenda than mine. Maybe that is just part of dealing with some of reality that is a good part of grief work.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 77 -- It's 1:00am and I have a full day tomorrow
I believe I am going to have to start on this task much earlier during the day. I think of things I want to say, but when I wait this late, I either forget or fall back into an old pattern -- I'll just put it off: and I am sitting in the middle of "put off" that have not yet risen to the top of the priority list.
Maryanne sent me a very tender and caring email tonight. Little spooky -- I thought of her several times today, making note that I need to follow-up on our game of telephone tag. How much better to get her email. In response, I probably wrote a lot of what would usually go here.
I have a note on my desk to discus several issues in this forum. I will work those in. Right now, I'm going to bed. The night sweats were really bad last night, and I'm tending to stay up as if that will keep them from happening. Dr. W told me that getting the sleep apnea under control will eliminate that and the tendency to nod off. I'm hoping that is true. I have a "fitting and use" appointment after lunch on Thursday, and am scheduled for getting wired up again and pressures set next Monday. If that will reverse some of the really annoying things that my body is doing, it can't happen soon enough. Also, tomorrow starts my Wednesday morning Continuing Education sessions for HRB (for about the next 4 - 6 weeks). I can go to bed now, knowing that this full day laid a lot of ground work for much that is coming up.
Maryanne sent me a very tender and caring email tonight. Little spooky -- I thought of her several times today, making note that I need to follow-up on our game of telephone tag. How much better to get her email. In response, I probably wrote a lot of what would usually go here.
I have a note on my desk to discus several issues in this forum. I will work those in. Right now, I'm going to bed. The night sweats were really bad last night, and I'm tending to stay up as if that will keep them from happening. Dr. W told me that getting the sleep apnea under control will eliminate that and the tendency to nod off. I'm hoping that is true. I have a "fitting and use" appointment after lunch on Thursday, and am scheduled for getting wired up again and pressures set next Monday. If that will reverse some of the really annoying things that my body is doing, it can't happen soon enough. Also, tomorrow starts my Wednesday morning Continuing Education sessions for HRB (for about the next 4 - 6 weeks). I can go to bed now, knowing that this full day laid a lot of ground work for much that is coming up.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Day 76 -- the trip was successful!
Not only did I get in around 6 on Sunday night, I got everything in place(unpacked), sent text messages to Lee, Marcia and Buzzy. I was very pleased with the way the trip went. I am continuing to be concerned about the tendency at times to just nod off. More than once I had to take proactive steps to get adrenalin flowing. No close calls involving others -- just my own concern that my body is doing this. Hope this week brings some data from the sleep study, and we can get whatever is going on fixed. This morning, it seemed that my night sweats were even more profuse. Good thing that I put off the laundry until today.
As I was getting this process started, and some other weekend domestic chores I had neglected, Lee called. The bad news is that he had a cold and it is really bringing him down. The hurry up news was that the Tall Ships were still in town (until the 14th), and we were to meet at Channelside about noon. Had to abandon my chores, call Nancy and tell her to just come on in -- that I might be back before she left.
We only went to see the Eagle (the Coast Guard training tall ship) -- it was impressive. What was really impressive was the heat. We went to Jackson's for a very light lunch -- the truth was we needed to cool down -- particularly the kids. It was great fun -- got some pictures which I will post tomorrow.
Got a lot done on setting up the video for the DSP, made some banana nut mini-muffins while waiting for the video to render and load, but did not get back to the laundry.
On the drive to Coral Springs and back, had time to do some serious thinking about this blog. While I have used it as a log of some of the external signs of my grief work, I thought about other stuff that comes up, and would appropriately be far more interesting than my naval gazing. So starting tomorrow, I am going to share more of my reaction to the "outside" world. Maybe even do a little preaching -- after all this is a convenient and relatively innocuous soap box. On Wednesday, I start my series of Wed. morning sessions getting my CE hours in for HRB. I also see the way clear to get the DSP set up in Powerpoint. Need to go to Hyde Park UMC and see what the set-up there is and whether there is a computer or projector available in the room that will be used for DSP. Stay tuned.
As I was getting this process started, and some other weekend domestic chores I had neglected, Lee called. The bad news is that he had a cold and it is really bringing him down. The hurry up news was that the Tall Ships were still in town (until the 14th), and we were to meet at Channelside about noon. Had to abandon my chores, call Nancy and tell her to just come on in -- that I might be back before she left.
We only went to see the Eagle (the Coast Guard training tall ship) -- it was impressive. What was really impressive was the heat. We went to Jackson's for a very light lunch -- the truth was we needed to cool down -- particularly the kids. It was great fun -- got some pictures which I will post tomorrow.
Got a lot done on setting up the video for the DSP, made some banana nut mini-muffins while waiting for the video to render and load, but did not get back to the laundry.
On the drive to Coral Springs and back, had time to do some serious thinking about this blog. While I have used it as a log of some of the external signs of my grief work, I thought about other stuff that comes up, and would appropriately be far more interesting than my naval gazing. So starting tomorrow, I am going to share more of my reaction to the "outside" world. Maybe even do a little preaching -- after all this is a convenient and relatively innocuous soap box. On Wednesday, I start my series of Wed. morning sessions getting my CE hours in for HRB. I also see the way clear to get the DSP set up in Powerpoint. Need to go to Hyde Park UMC and see what the set-up there is and whether there is a computer or projector available in the room that will be used for DSP. Stay tuned.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day 74 -- Getting ready for a solo trip
No matter what was on the agenda for today, it was as if everything was centering on the trip to Coral Springs tomorrow. I didn't finish the blog this morning until about 1:30am -- and then I just could not get to sleep. Ended up getting back up about 4 and staying up for the rest of the day. There were naps occasionally, as I would go about doing a list of what I needed to take with me. Did some domestic things -- and by late afternoon, I was fighting naps so I would not mess up sleep tonight. Think I am ready for a good rest -- have a little more laying out for packing to do. The had part is that this is just an overnight trip -- so I don't want to take a whole bunch of stuff.
Buzzy called just a little bit ago -- wanted to be sure I was coming. Gave me a rundown of who was already there. Sad thing -- Sunny and James came down a few days ago -- and Sunny has been in the hospital the whole time she has been in town. Hopefully she will get out in the am in time for the reception. Told Buzz I would call him when I get in town -- also told him the continuing trip to Key West just didn't work out. Maybe Jarrod and I can catch the shuttle sometime in August and spend a day in Key West.
I really have mixed feeling and concerns about driving to Coral Springs tomorrow. It is only a 4 hour trip -- but it is the first one that I won't have my heartbeat, navigator, planner and companion with me. Going to be interesting to see how much the Garmin and iPhone will serve as a substitute. What seems to be missing is someone to talk to about the trip, to make in route decisions about stops, and what seems like a thousand ghost stories about "what do I do if" -- I'm just discovering how many little interactive details I took great reassurance from and knew that Margaret was there to complete any of my incomplete or unthought of plans.
It's 11pm and I'm headed to bed so I can get started about 8am tomorrow. Will probably not blog tomorrow night -- will pick it up sometime Sunday.
Buzzy called just a little bit ago -- wanted to be sure I was coming. Gave me a rundown of who was already there. Sad thing -- Sunny and James came down a few days ago -- and Sunny has been in the hospital the whole time she has been in town. Hopefully she will get out in the am in time for the reception. Told Buzz I would call him when I get in town -- also told him the continuing trip to Key West just didn't work out. Maybe Jarrod and I can catch the shuttle sometime in August and spend a day in Key West.
I really have mixed feeling and concerns about driving to Coral Springs tomorrow. It is only a 4 hour trip -- but it is the first one that I won't have my heartbeat, navigator, planner and companion with me. Going to be interesting to see how much the Garmin and iPhone will serve as a substitute. What seems to be missing is someone to talk to about the trip, to make in route decisions about stops, and what seems like a thousand ghost stories about "what do I do if" -- I'm just discovering how many little interactive details I took great reassurance from and knew that Margaret was there to complete any of my incomplete or unthought of plans.
It's 11pm and I'm headed to bed so I can get started about 8am tomorrow. Will probably not blog tomorrow night -- will pick it up sometime Sunday.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day 73 -- Yes, I did not post for two days
On Tuesday, I reported for the sleep study at 8:30pm. Got there about 8:15, and got paperwork completed, directions for where everything was that I might need, and by 10:00 they had me all wired up and ready for bed. I had lots of wires attached to electrodes glued all over my body. It took forever to get comfortable and then to get to sleep. No clocks in the room, so I don't think I nodded off until 1 or 2 am. At 5:30am Wednesday, my technician came in to get me un-wired so I could dress. She noted that I did not get to sleep in time for them to do the "split study", which apparently meant that at about 2am they were going to hook my up to one of those "Darth Vader" masks. That means I may have another session to learn about that machine and get fitted.
I was out of the sleep center by 6am. Stopped by Burger King to get breakfast and headed home. Lasted long enough to eat, and then finished my night's sleep. Lee called about mid-morning saying he was coming by to drop off Jarrod, so I got myself awake -- just about the time they got here.
What a great time Jarrod and I had together. I'm not sure I was good company -- I was moving kind of slow. We did some cooking together, moving furniture (got the house back in some kind of order), tried a new arrangement in the TV section of the great room. Jarrod got to use the mandolin and we made some great french fries (a la Steak and Shake), and after lunch, made some ribbon fries (a la Tihitian Inn). It was great fun, and we both showed restraint in the amount we fixed. Jarrod led the way is getting some things done in the back yard: we got pretty hot and sweatty. So, we had to fix that by taking a swim next door (Lois had renewed her offer of the pool for my grandsons). We had great fun in the pool -- more playing than swimming, but fun none the less. After coming back in for showers and dry clothes (Jarrod brought a change with him), we were trying to figure out whether I was going to take Jarrod home (to Apollo Beach) or if his Dad would be through with his class in time to come pick him up. Turned out Lee was going to be through with the finals he was giving in time to pick Jarrod up.
It was really a great day with Jarrod. He had time to try out some new things, to do some of his familiar things that he always wants to do when he is here, and I think we came to a good agreement about plans for future visits. Next on the agenda: potato soup.
No matter how much fund the day was, I was very much aware that I was still suffering from too little sleep -- so instead of posting on Wednesday night, I just managed to make it to bed. Started early and got up just a few minutes before 7. Really rested.
Today was a lazy day. Still had some of the warmth left over of having had a companion with me all day yesterday. Did some set-up work on getting the SDC manual converted, took care of some verification I needed for the trip to Coral Springs on Saturday. Had a surprise visit from William F -- we talked of the Web site, and he brought me up to date with his application. We discussed how these two could interface, if I go through with my plans for converting Collegeguidepost.com into a ebook. I think there is a lot of possibility there.
Now it is very late. Spent a lot of time today just reading and being around the house. Tomorrow must include a trip to the bank and a follow-up with Web Full Circle.
I was out of the sleep center by 6am. Stopped by Burger King to get breakfast and headed home. Lasted long enough to eat, and then finished my night's sleep. Lee called about mid-morning saying he was coming by to drop off Jarrod, so I got myself awake -- just about the time they got here.
What a great time Jarrod and I had together. I'm not sure I was good company -- I was moving kind of slow. We did some cooking together, moving furniture (got the house back in some kind of order), tried a new arrangement in the TV section of the great room. Jarrod got to use the mandolin and we made some great french fries (a la Steak and Shake), and after lunch, made some ribbon fries (a la Tihitian Inn). It was great fun, and we both showed restraint in the amount we fixed. Jarrod led the way is getting some things done in the back yard: we got pretty hot and sweatty. So, we had to fix that by taking a swim next door (Lois had renewed her offer of the pool for my grandsons). We had great fun in the pool -- more playing than swimming, but fun none the less. After coming back in for showers and dry clothes (Jarrod brought a change with him), we were trying to figure out whether I was going to take Jarrod home (to Apollo Beach) or if his Dad would be through with his class in time to come pick him up. Turned out Lee was going to be through with the finals he was giving in time to pick Jarrod up.
It was really a great day with Jarrod. He had time to try out some new things, to do some of his familiar things that he always wants to do when he is here, and I think we came to a good agreement about plans for future visits. Next on the agenda: potato soup.
No matter how much fund the day was, I was very much aware that I was still suffering from too little sleep -- so instead of posting on Wednesday night, I just managed to make it to bed. Started early and got up just a few minutes before 7. Really rested.
Today was a lazy day. Still had some of the warmth left over of having had a companion with me all day yesterday. Did some set-up work on getting the SDC manual converted, took care of some verification I needed for the trip to Coral Springs on Saturday. Had a surprise visit from William F -- we talked of the Web site, and he brought me up to date with his application. We discussed how these two could interface, if I go through with my plans for converting Collegeguidepost.com into a ebook. I think there is a lot of possibility there.
Now it is very late. Spent a lot of time today just reading and being around the house. Tomorrow must include a trip to the bank and a follow-up with Web Full Circle.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Day 70 -- Is it Monday or a holiday?
A really strange day. Took care of some business, prepared for mailing, then about mid-afternoon remembered that the Mail carriers were on holiday today. Switched focus to the details of the Safe Driver Course when I got Anna's email. She is designating me as the Instructor for the Hyde Park UMC course -- next one an all day on Jul 26. Got the course materials ordered (by fax), chatted with Lee about getting the manual on PowerPoint, and believe I know how that is going to happen. Just need to experiment a little with the movie sections. As part of that, updated MS Office on the upstairs computer. Talked to Betty Crislip -- about the pickles, and the SHARE FAQ. Good conversation. Also checked in with Bill Bach -- offered some of the equipment we got for Margaret. Ester is doing well -- just going to take time to heal -- and they have already been given assistive equipment. Also had a chance to get Bill caught up from the brunch. Larry (next door) had Chris come over to talk about the front yard. Larry had promised to tell him I needed his help. Came up with a plan -- now I need to talk to Christian to see if I can get him to help me -- it will be sequenced over several weeks. If Christian can be available as he has been in the past, that will fit the plan just right.
Nothing specific reminded me -- I just know that a permanent part of my being is missing Margaret. In getting ready for the Sleep Study (tomorrow night) I had to give an emergency contact name. First time that has happened. I got accustomed to naming Lee and Marcia as beneficiaries; when I got to that line on the form, I realized that is another one of those routine things that are now permanently changed. I guess what makes these discoveries so hard is they all underscore there are no "do-overs" or "later". The content is not the issue, it is the helplessness, regret, "if only", and "I shoulda, coulda, woulda" that rips through, unannounced and naked -- and it is only getting a tiny bit better as that becomes a more familiar occurrence. Funny thing -- that syndrome can be unleashed if I just decide to read for recreation. Strange. I can only guess it all has to do with making unilateral decisions about what is best for me, and what I really want to do with the rest of my life. And that reminds me that I always thought Margaret and I would always be together -- never together alone. That's hard to live out -- and I keep finding how poorly prepared I am.
Nothing specific reminded me -- I just know that a permanent part of my being is missing Margaret. In getting ready for the Sleep Study (tomorrow night) I had to give an emergency contact name. First time that has happened. I got accustomed to naming Lee and Marcia as beneficiaries; when I got to that line on the form, I realized that is another one of those routine things that are now permanently changed. I guess what makes these discoveries so hard is they all underscore there are no "do-overs" or "later". The content is not the issue, it is the helplessness, regret, "if only", and "I shoulda, coulda, woulda" that rips through, unannounced and naked -- and it is only getting a tiny bit better as that becomes a more familiar occurrence. Funny thing -- that syndrome can be unleashed if I just decide to read for recreation. Strange. I can only guess it all has to do with making unilateral decisions about what is best for me, and what I really want to do with the rest of my life. And that reminds me that I always thought Margaret and I would always be together -- never together alone. That's hard to live out -- and I keep finding how poorly prepared I am.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Day 69 -- A very different Fourth
Started today with the Sunday routine. Watched Sunday Morning and Christ Matthews. Made wafles for the freezer. Finished up the update to the website, and then got notes out to Lee, Marcia and Debbie, asking them to check to be sure I covered everything that needed updating.
Most of the day was spend missing Margaret. It seemed as if I could not do anything without bumping into a reminder that what we used to do is not going to happen -- and I missed her. Tight throat, tears, depression, feeling useless, wanting to know that I had something to do that meant something and involved others -- the whole range of feeling just seemed to be on an endless loop.
A good thing -- I asked and got a picture of Jarrod in his new glasses. He really looks great!
By the time the Fourth celebrations on TV came around, my mood was rather somber. Did gain some information from the programs about how the fireworks are made and programmed. The actual celebrations -- in DC, New York, and Boston -- all seemed to be much sound and smoke. Didn't find much inspiration, nor much to lift me from my funk. Could hear the piccolo solo in the Boston Pops rendention of the "Stars and Stripes"! At least the hearing aids are working correctly.
My night sweats seem to be getting worse -- and the sleep study is Tuesday evening. Maybe there is hope that a fix can be found. Maybe tomorrow I'll be done with my funk. Tonight, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed.
Most of the day was spend missing Margaret. It seemed as if I could not do anything without bumping into a reminder that what we used to do is not going to happen -- and I missed her. Tight throat, tears, depression, feeling useless, wanting to know that I had something to do that meant something and involved others -- the whole range of feeling just seemed to be on an endless loop.
By the time the Fourth celebrations on TV came around, my mood was rather somber. Did gain some information from the programs about how the fireworks are made and programmed. The actual celebrations -- in DC, New York, and Boston -- all seemed to be much sound and smoke. Didn't find much inspiration, nor much to lift me from my funk. Could hear the piccolo solo in the Boston Pops rendention of the "Stars and Stripes"! At least the hearing aids are working correctly.
My night sweats seem to be getting worse -- and the sleep study is Tuesday evening. Maybe there is hope that a fix can be found. Maybe tomorrow I'll be done with my funk. Tonight, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Day 68 -- The best laid plans...
Just as I was finishing my eggs, sausage and biscuits with coffee, I was getting organized for the day when the phone rang. A mother in Lakeland who had tried to see Margaret was calling to get services for her son who is a senior. She asked about the website, and related she had been up there, but could not tell whether there was still a Guide available for her son.
Well, that changed the plans for the day. I gave the mother Debbie's phone number and assured her that the website would continue to be available to her. Got a quick email off to Debbie and sat down -- for most of the rest of the day -- at the computer and the website.
Did a lot of editing of the "public pages" to reflect the fact that Margaret is no longer available, indicated she is the author of the content on the site, and included some of the emails and other publicity about Margaret's death. Of course to do that, I had to review that material -- haven't really looked at it for a while. Found out that it still had the very profound impact on me as I relived some of the sadness, loss, and pain that came from the words of others extolling Margaret's deep caring and love for her students. Could only think of the times I had just taken that caring and love for granted, and even now, realize I only have that in memory that can never be refreshed.
Debbie did respond to the referral, and again offered to be of any help that she can on the website. Tomorrow, I plan to update the testing dates and then email Lee, Marcia and Debbie to look over the changes and give me some feedback about appropriateness, taste and anything left out. I think my editing skill got very overwhelmed by some of the content. Still have not heard from Web Full Circle -- maybe a response to me email requesting a backup copy will show up the first of next week.
Also while I was keeping a lot of pages open to work with the website, I think I messed up Lee's work on my backup system. Maybe he'll be by sometime next week and can figure out what i did, and we an make it right.
Did get some pickles to Betty and John. Had hoped to spend some time with John to see how he is doing -- he looked awfully tired at Couples Club. I got in a time bind, and could only drop the pickles off at the front desk. Will put them on the agenda for next week, along with Shirley and Bob.
Well, that changed the plans for the day. I gave the mother Debbie's phone number and assured her that the website would continue to be available to her. Got a quick email off to Debbie and sat down -- for most of the rest of the day -- at the computer and the website.
Did a lot of editing of the "public pages" to reflect the fact that Margaret is no longer available, indicated she is the author of the content on the site, and included some of the emails and other publicity about Margaret's death. Of course to do that, I had to review that material -- haven't really looked at it for a while. Found out that it still had the very profound impact on me as I relived some of the sadness, loss, and pain that came from the words of others extolling Margaret's deep caring and love for her students. Could only think of the times I had just taken that caring and love for granted, and even now, realize I only have that in memory that can never be refreshed.
Debbie did respond to the referral, and again offered to be of any help that she can on the website. Tomorrow, I plan to update the testing dates and then email Lee, Marcia and Debbie to look over the changes and give me some feedback about appropriateness, taste and anything left out. I think my editing skill got very overwhelmed by some of the content. Still have not heard from Web Full Circle -- maybe a response to me email requesting a backup copy will show up the first of next week.
Also while I was keeping a lot of pages open to work with the website, I think I messed up Lee's work on my backup system. Maybe he'll be by sometime next week and can figure out what i did, and we an make it right.
Did get some pickles to Betty and John. Had hoped to spend some time with John to see how he is doing -- he looked awfully tired at Couples Club. I got in a time bind, and could only drop the pickles off at the front desk. Will put them on the agenda for next week, along with Shirley and Bob.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Day 67 -- A day much slower
After spending the two days consumed with getting the Couples Club meeting ready and with the success of the evening, today was a slow day -- take care of one or two pending details, resting, then another detail. The house is not back in order -- but that has been true for the last 6 months.
I cannot say enough about how proud and impressed I am with Jarrod. Yes, he is my grandson, and I am very biased. The response of the members of the Couples Club, the compliments they had for him -- during the entire evening -- watching his function as a maturing young man, confirmed the accuracy of my observations. Jarrod is awesome! And he is way ahead of his age in his gracious acceptance of the notice from adults -- and his own personal commitment to getting his job done! He was so gracious to leave me 1/2 of the pizza he made. He pronounced it good -- I agree, and add that it is a league to compete with Ceasar"s.
I didn't write last night. Lee got my back up disk hooked up to the network, and after they left, it was still doing its thing; I was tired after a very full and fulfilling day, so I decided to just log the two days togther.
I know the problem with the decisions is that there tends to be more summary -- and therefore less words. Come to think of it, it's probably better that way -- and does reinforce my resolve to get more accurate and less wordy.
I am frequently asked how I doing. My answer is some version of "I think very well". It has been long enough, and I am beginning to understand Mc's statement about having difficulty with the daily details. There were so many things about the Couples Club meeting that I wanted to turn to Margaret and comment on something that was said or done -- something that was appreciated or discovered. I was really longing to know how she thought I did with the tables, the menu, the serving, the game: so many details that was part of our treasuring our participation in the group and part of that very private sharing that was ours alone. It is like there is just this big void that my own enjoyment or opinion or viewpoint -- told to myself -- that can't be filled. It is as if there is still some energy from the grieving process that makes that void seem less noticeable most of the time. This blog does help cover the void -- and as I write, I am acutely aware that this is now a public document. It works partially -- but only to cover, not heal or eliminate the void. I am learning is a void that is now a part of my life, and my only choice is to figure out how to live with it. My struggle right now is trying to find something other than doing nothing when that void makes itself known. For me, that's the hardest part.
I cannot say enough about how proud and impressed I am with Jarrod. Yes, he is my grandson, and I am very biased. The response of the members of the Couples Club, the compliments they had for him -- during the entire evening -- watching his function as a maturing young man, confirmed the accuracy of my observations. Jarrod is awesome! And he is way ahead of his age in his gracious acceptance of the notice from adults -- and his own personal commitment to getting his job done! He was so gracious to leave me 1/2 of the pizza he made. He pronounced it good -- I agree, and add that it is a league to compete with Ceasar"s.
I didn't write last night. Lee got my back up disk hooked up to the network, and after they left, it was still doing its thing; I was tired after a very full and fulfilling day, so I decided to just log the two days togther.
I know the problem with the decisions is that there tends to be more summary -- and therefore less words. Come to think of it, it's probably better that way -- and does reinforce my resolve to get more accurate and less wordy.
I am frequently asked how I doing. My answer is some version of "I think very well". It has been long enough, and I am beginning to understand Mc's statement about having difficulty with the daily details. There were so many things about the Couples Club meeting that I wanted to turn to Margaret and comment on something that was said or done -- something that was appreciated or discovered. I was really longing to know how she thought I did with the tables, the menu, the serving, the game: so many details that was part of our treasuring our participation in the group and part of that very private sharing that was ours alone. It is like there is just this big void that my own enjoyment or opinion or viewpoint -- told to myself -- that can't be filled. It is as if there is still some energy from the grieving process that makes that void seem less noticeable most of the time. This blog does help cover the void -- and as I write, I am acutely aware that this is now a public document. It works partially -- but only to cover, not heal or eliminate the void. I am learning is a void that is now a part of my life, and my only choice is to figure out how to live with it. My struggle right now is trying to find something other than doing nothing when that void makes itself known. For me, that's the hardest part.
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