Day 125 -- A new front lawn!

There is good news and bad news.  The good news is that widower-hood changes the use of calendaring.  The bad news is still -- other people still follow their own schedules and priorities.  Yesterday, I was so pleased that I could -- at the last minute-- write in a luncheon date with George and Diane.  I had been looking forward to finally meeting Diane, and so pleased that her medical issues were in control, and she could join us for lunch!  George initiated the invitation, so I knew he was very pleased with her recovery and wanted her to exercise her growing freedom from pain. 
We met at Mom's place -- had great food -- and a most delightful hour and a half.  It is amazing how parallel some of our experiences were.  George had told me Diane was "head-strong" and I very much understand why he loves her and that attribute about her.  There were many very comfortable and comforting subjects that we shared, and had a great time getting acquainted.  We left each other with tentative plans to get together again.
Got home and continued my 6 week challenge on the Wii.  I found my self enjoying the exercise, and could even keep up with the trainer.  The way it is programmed (so far), I don't think it will get boring!
Today had only one entry on the calendar -- a new front lawn.  Massey was to come, take away the old dead lawn (they had sprayed it) and put down new sod.  However, the day started with a call from Christian wondering if I could come over and just hang out.  He also had a project he wanted my help with.  Lee also called to say that Josh's counts were still low, and they were going to do a bone marrow study to see if they could figure out what is going on.  That meant putting Josh to sleep to get the bone marrow -- and raised all kind of very scary scenarios.
I called the Massey office to ask when I could expect the crew to do the yard.  The answer? "Sometime between now and 2 pm".  Soon after the call, the 4 pallets of sod were delivered on the driveway, and being the eternal optimist, I assumed the workmen could not be far behind.  I wanted to get to Clearwater to see what I could do to help Christian and Jamie.  I had fretted plenty about Josh -- even though I knew we wouldn't know anything for at least two days.  As Lee said, that is more than enough time for the malicious devils to run around in our heads with all kinds of dire predictions.
Anyway, the crew arrived -- 6 men, 3 trucks, 3 machines, and an apparent willingness to work in the heat.  They were obviously accustomed to the heat and they went right to work.  After watching them for about an hour (from the inside, of course) I put out some ice water and glasses for them.  The amazing thing was that the front yard went from dead to new green in 1 1/2 hours!  I got my instructions for programming the irrigation system for the next 30 days.  I was very pleased with their work, and they seemed to be pleased with their job.  And, after letting the water run for a hour, we had a quick rain storm that put down plenty more water!
The men got cleaned up and gone about 5 -- I called Chris and they were out getting a quick bite.  I asked how long before they would home -- and realized that if I went over there and spent any time with them, it would be dark and I would be driving on the Courtney Campbell.  I asked Chris if we could change the plan to tomorrow -- and I'm going to be there about 11 am.   Thank goodness for the flexibility on my schedule!
The CPAP thing is going well.  Last night, I got in bed before I was ready -- got up, read for about an hour, then I was ready.  This morning, I had a bit of a runny nose -- think I will talk to Dr Whitaker about that sinus recommendation line in the initial study when I see him next Tues.  I'll be sure that is on my list (which I am starting right now!)

Day 123 -- Our Anniversary

Yesterday I had baked waffles and biscuits (for the freezer) and made a banana  pudding.  So I started today with a waffle, egg and sausage sandwich with Orange marmalade.  Great start of the day, followed by the customary Sunday Morning and Christ Matthews.  Did some straightening up, stored the DSP materials and ordered some more from Hartford.
Decided to make a Chicken Divan for the week, and fixed rice with the left over "binder" from the Divan.  So now I have a rather good menu for the week.  Going to start the week off with lunch with George and Diane, new sod on the front yard on Tuesday, and expect the new MacSpeech Dictate on Wed. or Thurs.  Couples Club is Thursday night at the Moore's, and sometime during the week, I owe the Crislips a visit.
The day was spent thinking of Margaret and many of the fun things we did on our anniversary -- rarely on the actual date (other complications meant we would schedule a day for ourselves -- just not on the 29th).  The memories were very pleasant, and only as I write this is there sadness because she was not here to enjoy the movies I got for the day.  But, in a funny way, I enjoyed the day as if she were here.  And for me, she was!

Day 122 --It is a strange time

Tomorrow is our 51st Anniversary.  I have received so many very kind and genuine thanks from folks who got our 50th Anniversary celebration card.  Little did we know that rather than have 10 or more anniversaries to celebrate the 50th would be our last.  I look back 50 years and think of the anticipation, terror, and excitement that I was experiencing on that last night as a single person.  Now, all these years later, that is some terror, not much excitement and a lot of wonderment as to what is in store for me.  (I almost wrote us).  And, strangely enough, "us" is still true.  I can't go any where in this house without some physical reminder of Margaret.  I can't think of very much without an awareness that she is with me, and caring about us. 
So as tomorrow approaches, there are some things I know.  Margaret will be here but I can only see her in all the corners of my mind.  She still "fills up my spaces", and I know her spirit is real and with me.  I know I will continue to get reminders that her spirit is with others -- family, friends, and an untold number of former students and their families.  All of that is a  strangely comforting reassurance. 
What I know is I am in a much better place to deal with tomorrow than I was 50 years ago.  The difference?  51 years of experiencing Margaret's love and knowing that the spirit of that love is here to see me though what ever happens.
I still miss her.

Day 120 -- it was a rough night

After successfully completing the second DSP,  I was ready for bed right after the interview on Ch. 13 of Renee with Josh and Jarrod at their home.  Made sure I captured the teaser and then the interview at 10:30.  Sent a text to Renee afterward confirming I had captured the teaser, interview, and the interview with the lawyer from KEL that followed. 
So I was in bed by 11.  Started out with the chin strap that arrived yesterday and went to sleep fairly quickly.  Woke up about 2:30 or so, and stayed until a little after three.  Thought it might be the chin strap initially, so took it off, and tried to get back to sleep.  No luck.  So I got up, finished up the paperwork for the DSP,  sent Anna her copy of the FTE and a copy of the spread sheet that I used for that class (it is really hers), and a letter telling her about the conversation initiated by the librarian concerning materials fee collection.  Got that all finished, ready for mail this morning, and went back to bed.  I knew I did not have anything until the Brunch with Debbie at 10am.
Did not put on the chin strap, got back to sleep, and woke up around 7:45am.  So I really did my 8 hours in two shifts.  Woke up, shaved, showered, did the morning routine -- coffee only, and was prepared to leave at 9:45.
The meeting with Debbie (two hours) was very good and quite productive.  I was wanting to see how well I would do.  During the conversations, there were a few, predictable tight throat moments, but the conversation flowed and I was able to articulate some of the real "core" struggles that seems to be with me, lurking in the background.  I really think what is going on is my finding contemporary experience in dealing with so many things that for so long were "team" or "we" issues.  All the familiar coping mechanisms were predicated on the two of us -- and they don't work with one of us no longer physically present.  What I am learning is that doesn't mean the spiritual connection is broken -- it is still firmly there.  I just do not have much background to experience that without the limits of some human form or being.  And at the same time, I am trying to find a way to let that experience live with me and my human limits.  And at that point, the conceptualization continues -- I just have not words or framework to express or describe.
When I got back home, William F. was waiting in the drive -- I had gotten a call from him yesterday, but did not know he was coming.  We had a good meeting.  He brought me up to speed on his project, including the start of creating a foundation (he wants it to be a 501(c)3).  He was looking for help in including that entity to achieve his dream of services to under-served and underprivileged gaining education beyond high school.  This is very much an ongoing conversation.  I am going to pull out my files and help him with completing the creation of a no-for-profit corporation, and we started the conversation about setting up a test project probably in Appalachia -- and perhaps with Trish Brown's involvement.  We shall see.
I finally realized that my body was really trying to tell me that it was just not about to cope with the inaction I was imposing on it.  So this evening, I started the 6 week challenge with the exercise program using the Wii.  I haven't really kept my resolve to walk every day, and am going to get help from the program to put me through a programmed exercise 4 days a week.  The first session today gave more than adequate evidence that I have put this off too long.  My goal is to make the 6 weeks, and then see if I can work out some weight loss and a daily exercise program -- and maybe even join one of those senior programs in a neighborhood recreation center.  And for now -- I'm more than ready for bed!

Day 118 -- a good day and a rough evening

The DSP session went well -- only had 6 there.  Of the nine who were left on the list, two had some physical difficulty, and one just didn't show.  We also had a frog strangler that went on and on -- starting last night and continuing most of today.  The interaction was good -- not the most active group.  They had all taken the course before and were primarily there to get the certificate for the insurance discount.
Got home -- had to finish up some paperwork for DSP.  Also had to answer several emails -- some asking for future meetings to follow up on past conversations.  When all that was done, I started fixing my late supper and it hit me.  I was really missing Margaret.  There was that moment when I had to deal with the idea that she was just as a meeting and would be back soon.  And then the realization that I was missing her and something about that was different.  Yes, part of it was I didn't have my partner to "take down" the meeting like we did so often.  And yes, there was no one to discuss the calls and emails that came in.  But the missing was not that more familiar tight throat, churning belly, alone that has been happening in the past.
No conclusions --  for the first time in many nights, the CPAP really worked well and I had a good, full, restful night's sleep -- dreaming and all!  Maybe I am integrating more that I realize, and am beginning to understand what the reality of being alone, being individually responsible/accountable, and still being strongly connected to Margaret feel like.  The more I think about it, what happened this evening was that I was missing Margaret's physical presence and I knew I she is with me.

Day 117 -- Been on an important meditation break

I'm not quite ready to start recording some of the really important, though mystical journey I have been on for the past six days.  It is an interesting trip -- has to do with my identity, clarity about what is going on for me,  some formative ideas about grief (from my perspective), and finding out some interesting things about practice and form.
Tomorrow, I'll be teaching the Driver Safety Program, so will have some contact with strangers to whom I intend to give the gift of looking at themselves and their driving.  Don't know it will have anything to do with my "core" journey -- and I will not be surprised if it does.
So far, my summary is "Grief makes us experience the impossible" -- or something like that.

Day 111 -- What's up?

I'm really not sure what is going on. 
Today, I fixed myself Chicken Parmesan to go with the Spanish Rice and Succotash that I had made yesterday.  That's two meals -- with some veggies left over.   For dinner, a tossed salad of lettuce+, apples, blueberries, grapes, peanuts, and croutons.  I felt good about the meals -- at least they are fun to fix, and I think qualify as healthy and satisfying. 
Got Della Perdue's address from Jo Ann Hamby -- the bonus was getting to chat with Jo Ann and we will hopefully work together this tax season.  Sent a sympathy card to Della and a response to Ann Newsome.  That was satisfying -- but maybe brought something along with it.
Found a stationary box of Margaret's -- and found the courage to  put it in the wastebasket.  Soon after that, someone called asking for Margaret -- they would only say they were sorry when I told them she is no longer with us -- and would not say what the call was about.  Also got a letter from St. Joes Hospital reminding Margaret that her annual mammogram was due with instructions about making an appointment and how to prepare and what to bring.  I was tempted to call them up with an "How dare you" call, but then realized they were just doing their job, and their system is not the best coordinated.  Maybe some of that residual was lurking somewhere on the edge of awareness.
Had a great conversation with Christian.  He is going well -- still medicated in anticipation of passing the stone the rest of the way out.  He sounded well, and was very willing to talk about the whole experience.  Hopefully, after I finish my appointment with Mike T. tomorrow, I'll drive over to their place and see what I can do to help as they are preparing to move to a house.
Did a lot of emailing and a little calling about the breakfast on Thursday.  Seems Al will not be able to make it after all,  Dan still will be accompanying Meghan to her ob appointment.  Talked to George about Dan's request to find a home for some of the "stuff" on the Tax Side (he's moving all the gear out of Benjamin Center).  Sent an email to the TOSC team affirming our meeting on Thursday -- even with Al, we still have a lot to talk about and share. 
As I was watching tv tonight, I found myself weepy in really strange places.  Instances -- whether in commercials or programming -- of someone being affirmed, realizing the possibility of a dream, having someone to care and care for ... all themes that really hit in the midst my alone experience right now.  What I must be overlooking is the obvious.  I am reacting to my new life that has some very familiar parts missing -- and I don't like it. 
Tomorrow is really a step into next year's tax season, followed by another on Thursday.  I have not idea which way things will be going.  I will just have to wait and see what opportunities I will have to play out the hand I'm holding.

Day 110 -- Talk about a roller coaster

The day was going well.  Got the course materials ordered for West Tampa Library, finished the template for taking care of the paperwork. Also got more organization in the materials I have.  Spent some time downloading instructions for voice mail so I would know what my options are.  The outgoing message needs changing -- particularly since people will be calling here to register for the Hyde Park UMC course.  Wrote and re-wrote the message -- going to let it cook overnight and change it tomorrow.  I am still hesitating before throwing out stuff that was just for Margaret.  I know it's crazy -- I just toss small stuff that has no possible use as a way of trying to make it easier.  However, at this rate, it will take years to get things cleared out.
During the morning I got a text from Marcia -- finally.  She had a rather rough weekend because of Margaret's birthday, and still had the stress that has been a part of her life for far too long.  I sent her a text back that one of the saddest things about this weekend was that we were not together.  I really do miss her.
Did a little tweaking of my CPAP -- changed the small nose pillow for the medium, and turned off the humidifier heater.  Will be interesting to see if tonight goes better.  I think the way that small pillow was part of the "dread" that I found myself having as I went to bed.  I was up until 2 am this mroning, then slept very soundly.  I'm going to start earlier tonight and see if the changes in the machine help.
Got a reply from Web Full Circle -- they answered very quickly.  I forwarded their email to my consultant with the hope that he could tell that we had a full copy of the site.  Maybe we can get on with doing something with the Website and Margaret's written legacy. 
Decided to watch Oliver! (the movie) tonight instead of watching all the Monday night reruns.  That was a delightful movie -- stayed pretty true to Dickens' story.  I had seen the stage play in Chicago when at a convention alone.  Wow -- that started a connection to memories and "shoulda, woulda, coulda," that had me weeping as Oliver finally was given a new life,  when he responded to persons caring for him.  Way too much rubber banding to my own loss, my own regrets, my own wish I had made other choices.  All of it had to do with watching the movie alone, and no place to go for comfort.  I don't know that will ever be replaced.

Day 109 -- Lots done -- not much finished

Started the day like a regular Sunday.  Got a great email from Danny -- sent an article that I annotated, and will be sending him a response this week.  He also asked about how things are going with the CPAP.  One of the things I did today was reset the pressure back to 6, and left the ramp on.  Last night, I woke up once with a very dry mouth -- obviously had not done a good job of keeping my mouth closed.  Thinking that may be the result of the higher pressure and not being adjusted to that.  I'll find out tonight.  After that brief wake-up, I did get back to sleep -- and must have sweat a gallon.  Maybe I'm still in the adjustment phase.  One of the things I realized last night was I need to be sure the headgear is properly adjusted -- it apparently loosens during the night -- especially if I am moving around a lot.
Still have not heard from Marcia.  Sent Aaron a text message -- no answer from that.  I think I will call during the day and perhaps catch Marcia at work so I can at least get some idea of what's happening in her life.
My computer desk is a mess!  Spend a lot of the day working on DSP, and have a substantial to-do list for tomorrow morning.  There are three major issues pending -- Web Full Circle and the website; DSP and two classes with a third in the works; and some left-over personal and CGP business that is on the agenda for tomorrow.  Thank goodness tomorrow is not a heavily scheduled day.
Headed to bed and the CPAP.  Somehow, that is not yet inviting.  Maybe with another week of practice....

Day 108 -- A quiet day

After that great and spontaneous party yesterday, I wanted to spend a quiet day here at the house with Margaret for her birthday.  I didn't have anything planned, just a quiet day.  There was much to do for the DSP program.  Right now I am scheduled for two courses -- a 2 day on the 24th and 25th of this month, one on the 27th of Sept. (Hyde Park UMC), and one is developing for Regency Cove.  I talked to Anna (she returned my call from the other day) to clarify what I needed to do for the West Tampa course, the frequency of the Hyde Park course, and what to do with the developing Regency Cove activity.  I didn't tell her that one of the people interested in the course is a property manager for a group of apartments that may be interested in having courses.
Other than some flurries of activity like that, I did some piddling things -- resetting the "ramp" on my CPAP, doing the frozen pepper experiment (maybe Jamie will come by tomorrow and I can report and give her a jar of my marinara), made the bed, etc.  All the time just observing what every Aug 14th will be like in the future.
The brightest spot came with the mail.  Ann Newsome sent a card that was remembering Margaret with a copy of the article when Josh was named Boy of the Year.  She wrote the best words of comfort and emphasized that I am not alone.  What better timing for that to come as I was wavering on a pity party, and not really wanting to go there.  Ann's note was like a ray of sunshine in the midst of a definitely cloudy day.
I still hope Christian, Jamie and Allie come by tomorrow.  I am getting concerned about not hearing from Marcia since the end of July.  Tonight I sent a text message to Aaron in hopes that I could get some word from that part of the country.

Day 107 -- Happy Birthday, Margaret

Lee and I agreed that the best way to celebrate Margaret's birthday (tomorrow -- she would have been 78) was to try a new German restaurant having it's grand opening in South Tampa.  Jarrod came along so he could spend the balance of the day with me.  Well, it turned out to be a real celebration and a real party.  Jarrod and I just enjoyed each other's company -- no projects, no rush around.  I had to make a DVD to take to Bob and Shirley S. -- our one project for the day
The party started as all my family (in town) descended [except Christian who had to work] upon the house.  We had great fun, great pizza (Ceasar's) and lots of laughs.  Rather than try to describe the party, go to  Joshua's story for the really good description and two great videos.
It will not take long to fall asleep tonight!

Day 106 -- Finally -- out of the house

The day started early.  Woke up about 4am and could not get back to sleep.  So I got up.  I had been reminding myself to be sure and take the BLOCK exam for the course I finished last week -- maybe that woke me up?  Anyway, did that -- took it twice, got a 100.  Did some other stuff around the house until it got light -- did a morning routine.  Had breakfast and then brushed my teeth.  Strange.  Coffee tastes funny right after toothpaste.  Decided I was going to work in the back yard for an hour -- got the branches that came down last week off the Pecan tree cut up and put in the ard trash buckets.  Only got about 15 minutes to do the job -- it rained.
Came in, got showered, etc., and went to talk with Bob and Shirley S. about the DSP.  As I was leaving the house, I realized I had not been outside for the previous two days.  The meeting with Bob and Shirley was good -- they want to facilitate their community board becoming sponsors of the DSP.  Looks like it could end up being a quarterly program -- maybe even monthly.  Left them and went to Target to pick up items I've had on the list for a while.  When I left there, I decided to go have a late lunch at Lynn Love's restaurant on McDill.  Had a chance to chat with Lynn.  The Bar and Grill is looking good!
Got home, tried to make a disc of the AARP film for sponsors.  Realized I only had CD's so I would need to pick up some DVD's.  Lee came by and we had a very good visit.  After he left, I ran up to Walgreens (third time outside today!) and picked up some discs. Anytime I think my struggle with learning to go on alone, all I have to do is look at what Lee is facing, and the struggle he is having in so many arenas.  What I see as a struggle is still that for me -- and I wish I could somehow just throw it off and make things OK for my son.  I can't make decisions and choices for him -- I can cheer as he does and do whatever I can to assure him that no matter what, I'm in his corner.  He is still my hero!
Tomorrow, Jarrod is coming in with Lee and the three of us are going to celebrate Margaret's birthday by trying a new "German Bistro" that is having its grand opening.  I guess it is part of where I am, but there is this feeling that somehow, if I'm not careful, Margaret's memory will disappear.  I know the facts -- it's this feeling and lump in my throat that comes when I think of doing anything that actively smacks of Margaret not being here.  The easiest thing seems to be to do nothing.  I think my only choice is to proactively go through the experiences, albeit reluctantly.  So we go out tomorrow to have a meal and raise a glass to the love of my life.

Day 105 -- the routine

Not a very busy or interesting day.  Mostly routine things.  I need to get myself exercising more -- and I need some structure to pull it off.  Think while I am out tomorrow, I'll look into either the Y or the Interbay Center for Senior activities.  Maybe going to a scheduled activity with other seniors will help me not only get out of the house, but much better socialized.  It's getting easier and easier to just stay in the house and ignore the outside world.  I don't think that's good.

Day 104 -- Just a day

Took care of some business this morning.  Massey came by and sprayed the front yard (within the driveway) with roundup.  The sun stayed out for garbage and yard trash pickup.  Then the rains came and came and came.  Recycle finally got here.  With all the rain, it made reading the task of the day.  Most positive thing today was three meals -- small -- maybe getting back to more healthy eating.  Also started the workout program.  Will need to get the stretchy thing and leg pocket.

Day 103 -- Catch-up

Today, I caught up on all the things I put off this weekend so I would have most time with Jamie and Allie, and with Jarrod.  Somehow the laundry did not get done, the bed did not get stripped, the pots and pans washed, and the dishwasher run.  And on top of that, it was a Nancy Monday.
Most of the day was spent on getting the chores done.  The placement of the triangular table at the head of my bed made a perfect platform for the CPAP, and it seemed to work well there.  Once again, I woke up at 2+ am and again at 4.  Each time took a few minutes to get back to sleep.  Also had some night sweating -- so I don't know if the CPAP is going to take care of that.
LinCare called today to see if everything was OK with the CPAP.  Told him I had tweaked it by relocating it and turning down the heat by one notch.  Anna V. also called to tell me she has to be at the polls on the 24th and asked if I would cover that day for her at the W. Tampa Library.  I agreed, and as we talked, she asked that I take both days, making the paperwork easier.  I agreed and thanked her for the opportunity.
Decided tonight to take a quick shower -- see if that will make any difference with the night sweats.  Also, with clean sheets on the bed, I may start a new washing schedule  -- maybe the sheets will last a little longer.
Talked to Mike T. to set up an appointment with him before the TOSC team gets together on the 19th.  I'll call him Friday to set a time for us to meet.
A busy day.  Not so busy that on more than one occasion I bumped into that spot that takes a few moments to realize that Margaret is really gone, and no matter what I do or don't do will change that reality.  I really miss her!

Day 102 -- Sometimes it is wise to look in the mouth of gifts

Thinking today would be dedicated to in-house things (laundry, dishes, getting ready for Nancy, some notes written), I got a call from Jarrod asking if he could come in.  I was pleased -- knowing I could delay the chores because the week is not very busy.  Perhaps that's how I got a little snookered.
I went out and got Jarrod.  Before we left Lee came in from cutting the grass -- it was very hot, and he only got the backyard done.  As we were leaving, and in response to my query about when the needed Jarrod back home (classes start for him tomorrow), Lee stated he would have some work for Jarrod to accomplish when he got back.
Somehow, during the afternoon and in the midst of the multiple projects we were doing, I forgot that little piece in conversation.  About 4:30 or so, Jarrod had the bright idea of perhaps spending the night, and then going back home tomorrow when Josh is done with Clinic.  Grandpa was asleep at the switch, and did not suggest we get ourselves together and get him back home.  It was after Lee came and got Jarrod (around 6 -- the time I was supposed to have him back home) that the light came on and I realized that Jarrod was either in the position  that he didn't want to do what was waiting for him at home, or didn't want to suggest to Grandpa that we needed to head to Apollo Beach.  It was hot, and most likely the work that awaited him at home would be outside, he may have not wanted to get sweaty again.  He had been outside for some projects here, and took a quick shower to cool off.
Anyway, Grandpa was not proactive in this transaction today.  I take that as information, and am revising my view of his present level of maturity, and expect that he is not that confident he will find the return of routine (including classes) a welcome change.  Oh the cleverness of a 13 year old!

Day 101 -- Miss Allie (and Mom) spent the day with me!!

Jamie called and asked if they could come over.  I was absolutely thrilled.  She had said that she would come over for a day while Christian was gone, and was so pleased that he call and today was the day!  I was particularly wanting to see Allie doing her standing, walking and VERY rapid crawling.  When they got here, Jamie said that she had decided it was just too much hassle to bring the dog also, so I missed a day with Bella and Spike.  However, that meant that Jamie, Allie and I could just have fun together without distraction.
Allie got comfortable being here, and soon decided to explore.  She showed her skills at standing up, standing alone and walking.  Right now, she takes about three steps by herself and then has to sit down.  I told Jamie if is sat down like that I'd never get up again.  That apparently did not bother Allie.  She would just either do her straight-legged crawl or stand back up and take three more steps.  Most short walks were punctuated with cheers and hand claps by the three of us.
With the visibly improving standing and walking skills, Allie did some other things.  She discovered a cup with pencils in it.  She started by just making open handed movements moving the pencils around.  It wasn't long before she was standing by my knee, with me holding the cup, and figured out how to take out one pencil and when I held out my hand, she would give it to me.  I of course thanked her for the gift.  The amazing thing was she really demonstrated learning the new skill and repeating it, getting better each time she did.  Jamie was taking pictures on my phone, and we probably spend a half hour transfering the pencils out of the cup (I would put them back so she had an endless supply.)  She was very intent on the task, and often cheered herself on!

At one point, Allie held court on the floor with Mom and Grandpa taking pictures of her .  She wanted to demonstrate that pencils are for using, and so she gave us instructions:


And if this were not enough, she managed to climb the stairs up to the kitchen (from the Great Room), and showed it was a usable skill by negotiating the step between the kitchen and dining room -- both ways!
It was really a great day.  Because of Allie, YES.  Jamie and I had lots of opportunity to share which was very complimentary and comforting to me.  Jamie said something about stuffed peppers -- so we grabbed Allie, went to Publix to get ingredients we did not have and came back to make stuffed peppers for a late lunch.  The recipe produced 6 stuffed peppers -- so we ate two, and will put two in Jamie's freezer (Christian does not like green peppers) and two in my freezer.  Our agreement is to let each other know how the peppers tolerate freezing for future reference.
It was absolutely a GREAT day.  I was so honored to have a small part if Allie's ongoing growth and development.  That also includes being honored to watch Jamie's developing and impressive parenting skills.  Am sure that I will probably have to do some reassuring Christian that it is the nature of being a father to miss some of the firsts for his child, and it is OK to accept surrogates when he has to be away!

Day 100 -- hard to believe

Yes, I flaked out last night and did not get day 99 written up.  I think after sitting with the Couples Club group, that followed the Open House for prospective Office Leaders, I had so much I was trying to process that I just went to bed.  I also knew that LinCare would deliver my CPAP tooday, and I think I just wanted to go to sleep to get today here ASAP.
Today was full -- and some of the happenings served to crystallize a lot of the stuff that wouldn't come together yesterday.  The meeting with Mike M.  was very productive.  As I had expected, he wanted to meet with George and me to tell us face to face that the TOSC program would not be going forward.  We talked of where the talents of the team could be best used, and he clarified that the changes in the company are oriented around staying simple and tax return based.  I think I am very well prepared, from our conversation today, to meet with the team on the 19th.  I plan to meet with Mike T. before then, if possible, and discuss with him the possibility of having a district wide phone list of "trouble shooters" who can be called when they are in the office doing taxes -- in essence moving the Tax Side from the Division level back to the Office level; the list creation as support for both the OL  who has primary accountability for coaching (with three other areas of concern and responsibility).  Don't know if it will be compatible with Mike's plans -- only way to find out is to ask.
Both boys came over today.  I was a little late getting away from the meeting with Mike and had to pick them up at Lee's school.  It was absolutely delightful having them together -- it was different.  When it is just Jarrod and me, we get tasks done and things put up.  The putting up suffered today -- but that is far outweighed by having them both here.  We had some rain so we ended up watching Mall Cop together -- and Josh spent some of that time cuddling with me in my chair.  As the movie progressed, he found out that couch as the better view for him -- and he could stretch out.  As we had agreed, Lee arrived and I ordered the Ceasers Pizza for us to have supper, with enough to take to Renee for her dinner.  We ate and watched.  Sometime during the movie, Josh got to feeling bad -- stomach upset -- and the next thing I knew, Lee was calling for a thermometer to take Josh's temp.  There is no way to describe what it is like to discover that there is some possibility that Josh picked up some kind of bug.  By the time we waited for a second temp, and Lee and Renee decided they should head home to await another developments.  Words like scary, or angry (at the possibility of infection) or panic or guilt or helplessness or any combination thereof can possibly describe the experience of all of us (Josh, Lee, Renee, Jarrod and me) had this evening.  As I finish this, I'm going to call Lee as I go to bed to just see what the status is tonight (it's coming up 11 pm.)  What a day 100!

Day 98 -- Hard to believe its been that long

On impulse, while sitting in class today -- the facilitator was very interesting, and was focusing on some of the participants that just had not "gotten it" yet -- I switched rings on my hands.  I have thought several times about how that ring on my left had has been there since Margaret put it on me during our wedding -- only off for momentary reasons (Surgery, procedures, etc.).  Don't remember how long I have worn my Dad's wedding band on my right hand -- a long time for sure.  I have wondered if I would continue wearing my wedding band, or should take it off and put it with Margaret's rings.  I guess those kind of thoughts were the seeds of the impulse today.  Anyway, I swapped the rings.  WOW.  They both weigh about the same: one takes up more real estate than the other.  It was as if I had just rewired my body or something.  In the brief time the rings were swapped I could believe there was something terribly wrong and out of place or I was very disoriented, or something.  What I did was to quickly swap the rings back. 
And made a decision.  If I have that impulse again, I am not going to do it in a crowd of people.  Most likely, I'm not going it.  Maybe some day I'll try taking my wedding band off to see what it is like.  Right now, that feels as if I would e taking Margaret out of my heart and life, and I do not forsee that I will ever be able to do that -- NOR do I ever want to think that way again or consider the possibility.

day 97 -- A workman's day

The calendar said that the appointment with the man from Massey was 10am.  When he wasn't here by 11, I began to get agitated.  Around 11:45 he called, and when I wondered where he was, he reminded me the appointment was for 2:30.  He was calling to say that the appointment he had that made mine go later had canceled, and he wondered if he could come on right then.  Wow,  what a shift for me.  He came and we got right to the issue at hand,  he gave me a very good diagnosis of the problem, acknowledging that they had some accountability for the way the yard looked.  He did a careful study while I went back into the cool house --- it was another very hot day.  When he came in, he proposed re-soding the whole front yard (within the driveway) -- my cost for that will be $500.  We agreed.  He also gave me some insight into Miguel -- the guy that has the route and sprays/fertilizes.  I now understand what I had been thinking was just my difficulty in communicating.  Anyway, they are going to start by spraying Roundup later this week, then get the sod in after about 10 to 14 days.  Then we'll go through the special watering routine to get the new sod established, and within about a month be back to the usual routine.  I am very pleased that what I was thinking was going to be a problem looks like it will turn out well.
Frank (the Massey guy) had not been gone very long when Steve C. (air conditioning) knocked on the back door.  I had called him last Saturday and left a message, and when he did not return the call on Monday, I called him this morning, and he said it would be convenient to come out today.  He checked both units, pronounced them in good working order -- and were just having trouble with the high temperatures we are having.  He also said that the East unit (the one I called him about  initially) was going to keep on running.  What he didn't understand was the corrosion that is inside the machine.  He thinks that unit may need to be replaced in another year.  He suggested I start saving up my pennies.
By the time Steve and his worker left, it was mid-to-late afternoon, and I finally got some lunch.  No big deal -- I had made three salads over the last couple of days, so it was just a matter of sitting down to eat.  I surely did know that I had been outside with the workmen and how very draining the heat was.  Before doing much of anything else, I just had a shower to get all the stink and sweat off from being outside.
Email brought a request from Mike M. for a meeting with George and me on either Thursday or Friday.  I checked with George and sent a  note back to Mike that we are both available Friday -- just need a time and place.  I had asked that Jarrod come over Friday, so hopefully I'll get something back from Mike, or George and I can call Linda Smith while at lunch tomorrow to see what Mike's schedule looks like.  I think I'll talk to George about doing a conference call if that will take less of Mike's time. 
Well, the kids are all back together, Christian is still on deployment, but will be back in another week or so, and Lee and I discussed what we will do on Aug.14th -- Margaret's birthday.  His suggestion -- we go somewhere and lift a glass to her.  I think that would be very fitting.  Just wish Marcia could be here to join us.
Another day with no word about my CPAP.  Did not call the sleep center today.  Maybe after lunch with George tomorrow, I'll see if they can find out what's up.  I'm not sure how much longer the sheets and pillowcase are going to hold up to the nightly dosing of sweat they are getting.

Day 96 A little bit of....

Meeting of TOSC group is now penciled in -- I talked to Al and he will be in town on the 19th so I asked  him to pencil that in.  Now I will check with Dan and email the group to see if they can make that date.
Got the correct form for DSP -- They sent me a course kit -- so now I have a bunch of workbooks, supplement, as well as certificates and other paperwork that comes for each course.   I completed the expense sheet that also details the fees paid, certificates issued, and summarizes the administrative part of the course.  Put it in the blue envelope with the checks and will put it out for the mail in the morning.
Today was another very hot day.  I was glad there was nothing on the schedule -- delighted to stay indoors and read.
 Danny called -- great to hear from him.  He has sent some responses to this blog -- but something must be incorrect in the email address.  I'm sending him and email so he will have one of my mailboxes.  He also wanted a report of my sleep study.  I told him I am wondering when my CPAP will get here.  It seems to be waiting for some kind of paperwork -- I will light a fire under the sleep center this week to find out what's up.  I am getting more and more weary to the continuous night sweats and waking up tired.
Josh back home from camp -- had to go from Boggy Creek to the Clinic for one of those long days.  What a way to celebrate the great week he had!  In his amazing way, he took it all in stride and Eagle Lane is now back to a dull roar.  Know Mom and Dad are relieved!

Day 95 -- What th'?

It was mid afternoon of a rather laid back day.  I was watching the John Denver fund raiser on WUSF and they were featuring the words and how he came to write them of some of his best known.  Annie's song came up -- as I paid very close attention to the words, a sadness and lonliness and acrimony welled up.  I wept as I thought of how much the words described Margaret to me.  Soon after, I found myself in the middle of some really tough "if only's".  As much as I love music, enjoyed singing and performing, why did I stifle that?  There are so many songs that we listened to, enjoyed, and cuddled to -- and I didn't sing them to her, or tell her how the words were what I feel, want, think, desire about her.  The memory was of me being officious and scared and trying to be the responsible one, hoping against hope she knew how I love her desperately.  As I sat in front of the tube, in the setting that was a lot of Sunday afternoons for us, I was overwhelmed by the lonliness closing in like a suffocating cloud -- and she was not here in person.  Only when I started talking to her (I had no idea whether I said anything out loud) did I start to find some easing of the pain.
The amazing thing was  how powerfully and rapidly this pain hit.  The only good thing was I have learned how to go with the flow, and realize relief from the pain more rapidly.  I guess that is progress.  I still don't have to like it.