Day 36 -- Maybe it's working

The more I  take the risk of reaching out to others, and stop listening to those dire messages in my head that I am going to be turned down or ignored, the more my thinking and deciding is less foggy.  Don't know what the key factor is -- I just know that somehow I'm figuring things out easier, have more confidence in my decisions, and much less questioning about "doing the right thing".  There is that part of me that screams "watch out -- you'll goof up and look like a fool", and I am much more able to respond "better a known fool...". 
A lot of this centers around what to do with the company, and what I really mean when I say I want to honor Margaret's legacy.  I know that there is little I can do to further it -- the legend and legacy has been building for 52 years I know for a fact.  From all that I have learned in those 52 years, she was only building on a lifestyle of actively encouraging people to be the best they can be, and help them figure out some of what that is for them.  That is all true -- but what about all that content on the website?  If it continues, am I willing and capable of providing the amount of energy, leadership and commitment it will take?  I don't have many answers -- and I am continuing to seek guidance and ideas from a growing number of people who understand Margaret's lifestyle ministry.
Went out to spend part of Memorial Day with Lee, Renee, Jarrod and Josh.  I took a picnic with me -- had a great time with the boys getting all the fixin's and even let the green stuff fall off the menu this time.  As I was leaving, Renee gave me some more of her great Bigo -- and if you want to know what is heaven in goulash, just ask me -- or see if Renee will share some with you.  Also got to inspect the squirrel feeding station -- even saw a squirrel hang by his back legs, upside down, grabbing sunflower seeds out of a feeder, and totally ignoring all the onlookers on the other side of the glass.  I still have not gotten reflexive about pulling out my phone and taking pictures.   That was hilarious!
My main intent was to be with family -- and mostly to talk to Lee about my various thoughts concerning the company and what was going to be the best option.  I guess it has been there all along, but I am in awe of how that not-so-young (anymore) man has matured and is such a caring and concerned friend.  He heard me out, drew me out, and helped me put the parts of the puzzle in the proper place.  No decisions made, and he so graciously and skillfully let me know of his total support of the decisions I made as long as they were in my best interest.  What a guy -- and I love him.
Just as I was pulling in my driveway, (I had my iPhone plugged into my ears -- listening to one of the channels on "Pandora") Cat Stevens was just finishing "Cats in the cradle"  with the lines
                          "...But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
                               It's been sure nice talking to you
                            And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
                            He'd grown up just like me
                            My boy was just like me"
and I was very, very sad -- dreaded going alone into my empty house.   It was only when I let the sadness take its course and realize what I really wanted him to do was to take away the struggle and indecision, and just make my mind up for me.   And when that saw the light of day, I realized that I had just experienced with Lee that powerful and intimate caring that stayed with me, resisting the temptation to take over and take away the decisions from me.  Only as that became clear to me did I realize that the song was right -- he was giving back to me that same wisdom I had found myself sharing with him -- the knowledge that the answer, solution and decision resides in me and what I need most right now is to know that he cares about me and "has my back".  The song isn't quite right.  The time I have been spending watching Lee's family interact in their home, the more I am aware of how much more he has made of any example I was to him.

Day 35 -- Laundry day

Not sure where the day went.  After coffee/newspaper, a fruit and cereal breakfast, and the routine "Sunday Morning", I stripped the bed, sorted the hamper and started the laundry routine.  Josh, as Boy of the Year was in the paper this morning, so I scanned it and sent it to Lee.  At one point, discovered the freezer has lost power -- maybe even for more than a day.  Anyway, I had to revised my lunch menu and check to be sure that power was restored and that was the only problem with the freezer.  It was!  In between taking care of the freezer, switching clothes, folding the laundry and putting it up, I got my lunch fixed.  Couldn't linger because either the washer or dryer was finished and demanding attention.  Decided I'd go for a walk and maybe some shopping at one of the malls -- got there and it was closing -- the stores were already closed.
Coming home I toyed with going somewhere to have dinner -- nothing seemed interesting or appealing.  So I went home and picked up all the grapefruit that had dropped.  That also meant watering those plants that are not hit by the sprinkler.  Was going to pull some weeds that were trying to take over the Plumbago and crotons -- but the dark clouds decided it was time to drop rain, and so I had a great time sitting on the lanai, reading, and watching the rain come down -- a real treat.
Came in, fixed hotdogs to be sure they were OK after thawing and caught the late "60 minutes".  Nancy is coming at 10 in the morning.  Still have to get the email out to the team! 
The day is over, I still haven't put the sheets back on the bed and I've got several to-do's for tomorrow.  Maybe I'll call the kids and see if I can bring hamburgers and hot dogs out for a picnic.  Not sure Josh can still eat hot dogs.

Day 34 -- Taking the theoretical and making it real

After coffee on the lanai and a good breakfast, I determined to quit talking about what I should be doing, and just do it.  Since tomorrow is wash day, I determined that today will be straightening and tossing day.  The fact that Nancy is coming Monday does play some small part and I did today for me and pretty well suppressed the "what will people think" motivation.  Anyway, not only did I dump files that have been laying around, I also emptied waste baskets and learned the ones would fit the liners I had bought.  Didn't make the bed though -- I'll be stripping it in the morning.  Also put all of Margaret's medication in one box - I'm going to ask the Pharmacist at Publix for suggestions for disposal.
During the day -- as I was going about these various chores, and other activities, I had the strangest feeling.  At one point, I was sitting in my chair, taking a break, and found myself experiencing the thought/feeling that Margaret would be back home soon (as if she had just gone shopping or to a meeting or conference.  This had to be like phantom pain (when one loses a body part), so I guess you could call it  a phantom expectation.  These words do not carry the impact of the experience -- it felt very real, and did not go away fast when I did a reality check.  Never knew that could happen!
Went to Westshore Mall today -- walked the circuit.  Looked at watches in all the department stores, and in the cases of the Jewelry stores.  Came to the decision that I just going to take the watches I have that come the closest to what I am looking for, get them repaired, and enjoy their new life!  After going to the Sears wall of kitchen utensils, I decided to go back to Williams-Sonoma, get the really neat ladle they have (the one Margaret got in a wedding shower has seen its better days), and also get a ceramic knife I have been wanting to try.  And all of this will be on a gift card!  What is significant about all this is I never have been a shopper -- in the past would rather go pick up one item in a store -- or order it -- than wonder around, cross pricing and just browsing.
So maybe this new life is starting to take some kind of shape.  Or at least the routine necessities are being addressed, and I am finding that gathering and disposing of the "later's" is not as difficult or intimidating as I thought.

Day 33 -- Who is in charge?

In the course of many conversations, there inevitably comes up something needing a decision.  In the course of learning to live single, it may seem obvious that a natural conclusion is that the surviving spouse will make the decisions.  But how does one go quickly from a long practiced joint decision style, with all the attendant advantages and disadvantages that involves, to making decisions without a significant part of my life here?  Is being hesitant honoring the memory of the person and relationship, or is it a manifestation of the fear of being wrong and deciding without enough information.  Does asking  someone else to help being disloyal or dishonoring the legacy?  And how much of all this is an internal and inherent denial operation.  It does achieve an homeostasis that seems familiar while at the same time intolerable.  Is this just a game to play with oneself to avoid a reality that though seeming impossible is the only path available.  How much am I just playing the old familiar "let's do that later" game that Margaret and I indulged in and now I have to sort through all kinds of  stuff -- the later has arrived and is insisting on attention.
While having a rather full and busy day -- very lengthy phone conversations, trips to the mall and take-out store, taking care of some business matters -- these questions just kept rattling through my head.  The stimulating subject was what to do with College Guidepost, Inc., and the 2011 clients that Margaret was planning to get cracking with in June.  Well, June is upon us and Margaret is not here to determine how best to serve these students.  And I am getting all kinds of encouragement to decide the best course of action.  Each possible path seems to mean my significant involvement, and right now I don't believe I posses the knowledge or experience to make a long term decision.  But the students (and parents) have asked Margaret to lend her skills in empowering the family to make the best decision possible in finding life after graduation for the student -- and a way to pay for it for the parents.  The issue is not informational -- that is all on the website.  What is missing the loving and patient guidance that Margaret brought to the relationship that she treated as if she was walking on holy ground.  This participation in the student's often unsteady foray into what it means to be independent, and then learning to be interdependent was always predicated in Margaret's basic trust that the student could realize and activate their awareness of their own value and importance -- to the world and ultimately to God.
Part of my own upbringing as a clergyman was studying the many way to invite people to value and empower themselves, and in many ways, that was the mutual commitment to service and ministry and Margaret and I shared.  She was just so much better at it than I.  Now, I getting suggestions that perhaps I can teach that vision, or at least be an instrument to invite others to capture and implement the vision.  I don't know if I can do that -- I have only been successful at that task with Margaret either at my side or in the background supporting my efforts.
All the struggles come down to this: how is it possible to preserve Margaret's legacy?  Is that even an attainable goal -- or is it a cover for my unwillingness to accept the reality that Margaret's legacy has long since been guaranteed by the life she lived and the love she gave.  Perhaps it is arrogant on my part to think I can do any better than to live out my life that she so significantly shaped and loved that others can see the affirmation of her vision that there is always a positive path and we have the God given power to figure out what we need to do to be complete, whole and loving persons.

Day 32 -- Tired of being tired

Somewhere in about 07, Margaret and I decided that -- at our age -- we would just schedule one event per day.  That really worked well (as a general rule), even when we decided to load up a day.  We just had to be sure we didn't schedule much the next day so we could rest up.  I have been trying to keep that general rule for myself in finding out what this new life is like.  The real problem is that I am getting tired of being in the house, waiting for something to happen.  And because that often involves naps, I don't sleep that well at night, yet. 
Used to be, Margaret and I would settle into our LazyBoys after supper, and spend the evening together watching TV.  We had our programs on each night of the week, and "tivoed" to ensure we had one of our programs to watch when the pickin's were slim.  Now, I turn on the TV for news, catch the headlines, and quickly lose interest.  Again, sometimes that leads to another nap --  usually short but very deep.  AND surprise, surprise, I don't sleep that well at night after that.
Getting adjusted to taking care of myself and realizing that everything is going to stay exactly as it is until my make it different, means I have to remind myself that it is now "pay me now or pay me later" time.  If I get something dirty and put it in the dirty clothes hamper, that hamper only get emptied and the clothes washed if I do it.  I am having to learn to give up the rule that Margaret and I followed -- "whoever it bothered the most, took care of it".  I must admit, that for both of us that sometimes became a game just to see how much "bother" it took on some things.  The game wasn't that interesting, and our level of "bother" became so predictable that we both just took care of various chores as the rose on the priority list.  There is still that part of me that wants to play the "bother" game, but like watching TV, it is really no fun with only one player.
So I come to the end of this day being tired of being tired.  Tired of the TV, tired of having to remind myself to do the chores, tired of staying the in house, tired of keeping myself alone.  Yes, I hear the solution.  I guess I just want to have a pity party instead of just getting up and doing something about being tired.
Outside the pity party venue, there are a lot of people who are getting a lot more active inviting (could that really be insisting) me to come out and play.  I suspect that "unlock the front door" request is queuing out out there, again.  See, I really am a lucky guy -- or in current vernacular -- I'm really blessed.

Day 31 -- Is it a significat event or a signpost along the way?

When I made the appointment to go to the Credit Union, close Margaret's accounts and take care of that part of our family business, I knew that it was something that had to be done, and I couldn't reasonably put it off any longer.  In anticipation of this morning, I had gone through all sorts of issues -- what will it be like; will Margaret somehow vanish; will I still sense her at my side; do I have all the information I need to get the job done; do I have the strength within me so say goodbye to this rather mundane but significant part of our relationship; am I willing to give up this physical manifestation of how we did for each other?????  Really trying to create problems I would have to solve, instead of just getting prepared as best possible and then let the day come and find out what would happen.  I had to affirm to me that I had whatever I needed to deal with the day -- and the source of that was what Margaret and I developed together.
Derek Yates, at the Credit Union, made the detail side of the change as smooth as silk, patiently listening to stories that would pop up, and encourage me to talk about how I had prepared for today.  He was very affirmative and made sure we had everything taken care of.  I like knowing that I can call him to follow up with any questions I still have.
And what could follow this experience better than Ann Newsome paying off her bet with Margaret over the Duke--Carolina game by taking me to Datz.  We shared a lot about that ongoing and friendly rivalry she and Margaret had over our alma maters.  When she dropped me back at home -- she had two students coming for tutoring -- we agreed to continue the bet, and whoever won would take the other to lunch: and it is very OK with me if we always to go Datz Deli!
Ann also shared some of the experiences she is having with her 22 month old nephew who is in the terminal stages of cancer.  The tumor is wrapped abound his pituitary and there is no way they can get to it, other than with chemo and lots of tubes, etc., to keep his nourished, hydrated, etc.  Found myself identifying with the parents -- and how they are dealing what will surely be a loss of their child whom they have been going through treatment with since he was an infant, and finding out how to accept as "normal" having a desperately and terminally  ill child.  Kind of like the 600 pound gorilla sitting the the corner that has to be a part of any view of reality.  Most of the afternoon I was realizing that a part of this whole grief thing is I am presented with decisions and choices; all of which lead to change.  Change is not optional, and the only control I have is to rely on experience, feeling, and some amount of logic from within me.  In realizing this, I know how much Margaret and I would deal with change together, giving us both a much wider range of experience, feeling and logic as our resource.  Then I realized that the resource from Margaret, while not physically available, it is nonetheless still present within me and still very available.  Accepting that reality came with an initial  tightness in my throat, quickly followed by a calm sense of presence in my spirit.  The tears have a life of their own, and I am pleased that I can honor that.
So I guess two significant events today are really signposts along this journey.  Life goes on, and I am getting more excited about the possibilities that lie ahead!

Day 30 -- Random thoughts based on feelings

Grief is an intensely personal yet public emotion that effects everything about my world.  Thank God I have so many people who want me to know how Margaret made an impact on their lives, and the lives of their families.  Some are outwardly sad as they remember how she touched their lives, many are wanting some suggestion of what they can do that would be helpful.  Over these past 30 days, my own personal grief has been so intense and consuming that I am afraid I was so engrossed in my own navel gaze that I did not hear the affirmation and grief that came from others as a great compliment and a sharing of humanity.  Those expressions were others reaching out to me, and using the mirror of their own sense of loss and grief to reflect that I am not alone in this troubled time.  Did I miss someone's gift because I was so caught up in my own pain.  Probably.  And I now understand all the better the advice to just let the experience happen.  My opportunity is to recognize the caring and giving that is coming to me from seemingly everywhere.  And this caring and giving is intensely personal and yet a public expression.  Somewhere along the line I think I bought the idea that  grief is something you get over.  I am learning that Margaret's death is showing me that grief is a condition which we have built into our lives.  If I really let myself experience the loss and the affirmation that life continues (it's just different) then I add to my "database" of both successful and unsuccessful ways to cope with the loss of anything.
I now some much more understand that wonderful quality of Margaret's -- she could cry at the drop of tear.  As I now sometimes fight back tears and sometime let them be I revel in her example -- the way past the tears, the sadness, the loneliness, the disappointment, and yes even the happiness is through the feeling.  I guess it is the old expectations -- the attributes of "being a Southern Gentleman" -- easily kick in and feelings are pressed down and sometimes denigrated: even if those old ways are not designed to work in this instance.  Sure does put me in the mode of living up to someone else's expectations.  Margaret taught me to ask for what I want, accept what I get, and give a lot of love.  She did that so completely and so well.  I am the much better man because of this -- and I think that is often what folks are saying to me when they talk about missing Margaret.
Jarrod came by with his folks after he finished with his tutor.  I had the great privilege of watching that young man demonstrate skill and pride in getting the sprinkler project finished.  Because he knows that I expect him to take care of his studies first, and takes that expectation as a challenge to be the best he can be, he also told me that he only has finals left and then he gets two months off.  Why is that important -- so he has more time to spend with me -- yes, we will do projects, but two things happened today that just reminded me that we all have our own ways of dealing with our grief and one of his is spending more time with his Grandpa. 
Josh got in from tutoring, and immediately wanted to know what jobs were for him.  He pitched right in to help us finish up the sprinkler project.  You should have seen him moving dirt!  I have got to get into the habit of having my camera at the ready (or grab my iPhone) to capture more examples of the two guys looking for ways to show their Grandpa how much they love him and need him.  That gets hard to do when I'm the grandpa and I am paying attention to how that feels for me -- I hope I don't neglect thanking them for their great gift! 
Margaret was always sensitive to that, and I really counted on her to get me out of myself at times like that.  It is no fun and a great loss to have to monitor that for myself.  I'm practicing seizing the opportunity!