It almost seems as if exploring what alone is really about means I have to take it in very small doses. And the usual distractions are not what separates the doses. I was all set to take care of some business -- went to the Safety Deposit Box to check for data -- great memories there; her will is there (written in OK), many keep-sakes, and some policies (not ones that I need immediately). Got home just in time to find that the business appointment was canceled and we rescheduled. So I puttered. A good time to explore the new feelings of welcoming, being afraid, and puzzled by this new and unexplored state. Lunch was on the agenda and so was a nap -- the "power nap" won. Ended with the recollection that I had by first bereavement counseling session scheduled. Laura met me in the Lobby at Hospice and we talked for about an hour.
I was being my cautious self -- and I wanted to have this experience: I just didn't know if I would take the risk of trusting myself to let her even glimpse behind the mask. She is good -- patient and appropriately probing. I surprised myself by showing her more of my journey than I thought I would. At the end, we set up another appointment for two weeks -- which I welcome. That is the place and she is the person that can help me experience, accept and document this journey.
As I left, I went back to the Lobby to ask a favor of another Laura who was at the desk. She was gone, so I left a message for her. She had told me that Margaret had been her GS leader and later helped her when she was at PHS. The message was that I was collecting Margaret stories, and asked if she would tell me one, and maybe even let me record it. Two good things, I asked for what I wanted, and I may have added to my memory vault.
More puttering -- using the power chair. Then a few chores -- AND I cleaned off the typing table in my office. Found the part for my butter keeper that I had been looking for, cleaned out some HRB course notebooks, got some more room in my office. Even did a little straightening in Margaret's office, but with the business appointment canceled, I didn't have the needed extra pressure to do more that just straighten. Did print some more note cards, and used the box from the FH to store them.
Had just about settled in for the evening when William F. knocked on the door. He had just heard about Margaret's death, had intended to call her earlier to tell her about his new son, and consult with her about his project. His visit was a blessing -- I got to tell him the story -- almost got away with just being a reporter. He wanted me to know where he is in his project -- and I could tell him that since Margaret and I were in almost from the beginning I wanted to know how it is turning out. He wants my input! He cautiously walked down the business path, and I found that the excitement of perhaps being creative with the Company was still very alive and well. And I thanked him for going down that path, and I chose to defer going with him for several weeks. He is going to write up some of his ideas and present them to me later. Also made a contact through him to possibly help Brandon's coming back here from GA.
When he left, I found myself with my new friend -- alone -- got some of my marinara sauce ready to take to George in the morning (I really can't take a key lime pie to a diabetic) and decided to not think about what it will be like with the team tomorrow. Just going to stay here, write this, sleep and find out what tomorrow brings -- tomorrow. I guess that means I don't have to invent a distraction -- I can just get better acquainted with alone. Notice how it's starting to take on a personality?
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