On the way back from the airport, I was going up and down the hill of "how is it possible to stay in the house alone?". Nothing pleasant on either the up or down side -- just somewhat distracting while trying to drive. So I purposefully did not turn on any distractions when I got back in the house -- just started dealing with some of the product of the chaos that has been our reality in the house. The range of emotion and thought was wide, and probably only interesting to me in its diversity. A call came in -- literally (and figuratively from the world of reality) reminding me that I had made a business commitment for today. I was in the midst of making a key lime pie -- so I was already into diverting from some of the lost-ness that I was feeling. The business was scheduled in such a way that I would still have another space of alone time at home before the next scheduled piece of business I had to take care of.
That second piece was at a trusted site with people who knew Margaret, and were still experiencing shock. It was a good place to practice trusting myself to be me, and if the tears or scared voice needed some airing, it was OK. I am so thankful that I have a variety of places that I can do that. No surprise -- there are a lot more of those than I have let myself know. People are really caring and genuinely interested in how I am doing on this journey. Thanks to Steve and Mary Ann for letting me practice on their time, in their place! Their concern and caring cemented several good solid stepping stone on this strange path I am walking -- and made it seem more familiar.
Tried some old styles of diversion -- during the alone times -- and found that they took far more energy and provided far less diversion. George called to solidify the possibility of us getting together as friends, and I got the reassurance from him that there could be a place for me in his company if that was something I wanted to go back to. Glad I found that out -- I think it is probably a good thing to try some of the "old stuff" so at least anything useful can be updated. Also found out about how the health issues are progressing for "the other" George. We will be meeting with the TOSC team on Saturday, and George has promised me a sampler of his bean soup. Maybe I'll take him that key lime pie!
This morning, while driving from the airport, I experienced the scary side of being alone. Thought that was all there was to it, and I would eventually learn that I didn't have to be scared. Then later in the day, a new side of alone became apparent -- the helpless/incomplete side. Feels very different -- not much tight throat, weepy feeling -- the only name I can give it is an encompassing angst that has no shape, form or location. It is neither comforting nor disturbing, but demands notice. It is almost as if I'm lost, but I still know where I am. Didn't have a long time with the feeling -- had to take care of that business, and that served as a distraction. Hope I didn't chase the feeling away -- it seems important. There is a connection to a long ago past and the diversion then was Rudyard Kipling's poem "If".
What a way to end the day! Marcia called and we talked over an hour. The only drawback was that we were not in the same room. However, with my hearing aid system being wirelessly connected to my cell phone, it was almost as if she were there (well, she was literally in my head!). We talked of many things -- ships and sails and sealing wax; cabbages and kings -- and deepened the relationship that is a part of this new life for me. Both Marcia and Lee are reaching out in the midst of their busy lives to be sure that the old man is on his journey and doing OK. I know I could toss that off and say that they are just doing their duty -- and I am learning so much about the depth of their caring. Thank goodness they are accepting of my feeble offerings of acceptance. Reminds me of someone else that was the only one whom I would let touch me like that and I gave unqualified acceptance. I think I have been missing out on something precious for a long time -- and that is very sad.
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