There is good news and bad news. The good news is that widower-hood changes the use of calendaring. The bad news is still -- other people still follow their own schedules and priorities. Yesterday, I was so pleased that I could -- at the last minute-- write in a luncheon date with George and Diane. I had been looking forward to finally meeting Diane, and so pleased that her medical issues were in control, and she could join us for lunch! George initiated the invitation, so I knew he was very pleased with her recovery and wanted her to exercise her growing freedom from pain.
We met at Mom's place -- had great food -- and a most delightful hour and a half. It is amazing how parallel some of our experiences were. George had told me Diane was "head-strong" and I very much understand why he loves her and that attribute about her. There were many very comfortable and comforting subjects that we shared, and had a great time getting acquainted. We left each other with tentative plans to get together again.
Got home and continued my 6 week challenge on the Wii. I found my self enjoying the exercise, and could even keep up with the trainer. The way it is programmed (so far), I don't think it will get boring!
Today had only one entry on the calendar -- a new front lawn. Massey was to come, take away the old dead lawn (they had sprayed it) and put down new sod. However, the day started with a call from Christian wondering if I could come over and just hang out. He also had a project he wanted my help with. Lee also called to say that Josh's counts were still low, and they were going to do a bone marrow study to see if they could figure out what is going on. That meant putting Josh to sleep to get the bone marrow -- and raised all kind of very scary scenarios.
I called the Massey office to ask when I could expect the crew to do the yard. The answer? "Sometime between now and 2 pm". Soon after the call, the 4 pallets of sod were delivered on the driveway, and being the eternal optimist, I assumed the workmen could not be far behind. I wanted to get to Clearwater to see what I could do to help Christian and Jamie. I had fretted plenty about Josh -- even though I knew we wouldn't know anything for at least two days. As Lee said, that is more than enough time for the malicious devils to run around in our heads with all kinds of dire predictions.
Anyway, the crew arrived -- 6 men, 3 trucks, 3 machines, and an apparent willingness to work in the heat. They were obviously accustomed to the heat and they went right to work. After watching them for about an hour (from the inside, of course) I put out some ice water and glasses for them. The amazing thing was that the front yard went from dead to new green in 1 1/2 hours! I got my instructions for programming the irrigation system for the next 30 days. I was very pleased with their work, and they seemed to be pleased with their job. And, after letting the water run for a hour, we had a quick rain storm that put down plenty more water!
The men got cleaned up and gone about 5 -- I called Chris and they were out getting a quick bite. I asked how long before they would home -- and realized that if I went over there and spent any time with them, it would be dark and I would be driving on the Courtney Campbell. I asked Chris if we could change the plan to tomorrow -- and I'm going to be there about 11 am. Thank goodness for the flexibility on my schedule!
The CPAP thing is going well. Last night, I got in bed before I was ready -- got up, read for about an hour, then I was ready. This morning, I had a bit of a runny nose -- think I will talk to Dr Whitaker about that sinus recommendation line in the initial study when I see him next Tues. I'll be sure that is on my list (which I am starting right now!)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 123 -- Our Anniversary
Yesterday I had baked waffles and biscuits (for the freezer) and made a banana pudding. So I started today with a waffle, egg and sausage sandwich with Orange marmalade. Great start of the day, followed by the customary Sunday Morning and Christ Matthews. Did some straightening up, stored the DSP materials and ordered some more from Hartford.
Decided to make a Chicken Divan for the week, and fixed rice with the left over "binder" from the Divan. So now I have a rather good menu for the week. Going to start the week off with lunch with George and Diane, new sod on the front yard on Tuesday, and expect the new MacSpeech Dictate on Wed. or Thurs. Couples Club is Thursday night at the Moore's, and sometime during the week, I owe the Crislips a visit.
The day was spent thinking of Margaret and many of the fun things we did on our anniversary -- rarely on the actual date (other complications meant we would schedule a day for ourselves -- just not on the 29th). The memories were very pleasant, and only as I write this is there sadness because she was not here to enjoy the movies I got for the day. But, in a funny way, I enjoyed the day as if she were here. And for me, she was!
Decided to make a Chicken Divan for the week, and fixed rice with the left over "binder" from the Divan. So now I have a rather good menu for the week. Going to start the week off with lunch with George and Diane, new sod on the front yard on Tuesday, and expect the new MacSpeech Dictate on Wed. or Thurs. Couples Club is Thursday night at the Moore's, and sometime during the week, I owe the Crislips a visit.
The day was spent thinking of Margaret and many of the fun things we did on our anniversary -- rarely on the actual date (other complications meant we would schedule a day for ourselves -- just not on the 29th). The memories were very pleasant, and only as I write this is there sadness because she was not here to enjoy the movies I got for the day. But, in a funny way, I enjoyed the day as if she were here. And for me, she was!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 122 --It is a strange time
Tomorrow is our 51st Anniversary. I have received so many very kind and genuine thanks from folks who got our 50th Anniversary celebration card. Little did we know that rather than have 10 or more anniversaries to celebrate the 50th would be our last. I look back 50 years and think of the anticipation, terror, and excitement that I was experiencing on that last night as a single person. Now, all these years later, that is some terror, not much excitement and a lot of wonderment as to what is in store for me. (I almost wrote us). And, strangely enough, "us" is still true. I can't go any where in this house without some physical reminder of Margaret. I can't think of very much without an awareness that she is with me, and caring about us.
So as tomorrow approaches, there are some things I know. Margaret will be here but I can only see her in all the corners of my mind. She still "fills up my spaces", and I know her spirit is real and with me. I know I will continue to get reminders that her spirit is with others -- family, friends, and an untold number of former students and their families. All of that is a strangely comforting reassurance.
What I know is I am in a much better place to deal with tomorrow than I was 50 years ago. The difference? 51 years of experiencing Margaret's love and knowing that the spirit of that love is here to see me though what ever happens.
I still miss her.
So as tomorrow approaches, there are some things I know. Margaret will be here but I can only see her in all the corners of my mind. She still "fills up my spaces", and I know her spirit is real and with me. I know I will continue to get reminders that her spirit is with others -- family, friends, and an untold number of former students and their families. All of that is a strangely comforting reassurance.
What I know is I am in a much better place to deal with tomorrow than I was 50 years ago. The difference? 51 years of experiencing Margaret's love and knowing that the spirit of that love is here to see me though what ever happens.
I still miss her.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 120 -- it was a rough night
After successfully completing the second DSP, I was ready for bed right after the interview on Ch. 13 of Renee with Josh and Jarrod at their home. Made sure I captured the teaser and then the interview at 10:30. Sent a text to Renee afterward confirming I had captured the teaser, interview, and the interview with the lawyer from KEL that followed.
So I was in bed by 11. Started out with the chin strap that arrived yesterday and went to sleep fairly quickly. Woke up about 2:30 or so, and stayed until a little after three. Thought it might be the chin strap initially, so took it off, and tried to get back to sleep. No luck. So I got up, finished up the paperwork for the DSP, sent Anna her copy of the FTE and a copy of the spread sheet that I used for that class (it is really hers), and a letter telling her about the conversation initiated by the librarian concerning materials fee collection. Got that all finished, ready for mail this morning, and went back to bed. I knew I did not have anything until the Brunch with Debbie at 10am.
Did not put on the chin strap, got back to sleep, and woke up around 7:45am. So I really did my 8 hours in two shifts. Woke up, shaved, showered, did the morning routine -- coffee only, and was prepared to leave at 9:45.
The meeting with Debbie (two hours) was very good and quite productive. I was wanting to see how well I would do. During the conversations, there were a few, predictable tight throat moments, but the conversation flowed and I was able to articulate some of the real "core" struggles that seems to be with me, lurking in the background. I really think what is going on is my finding contemporary experience in dealing with so many things that for so long were "team" or "we" issues. All the familiar coping mechanisms were predicated on the two of us -- and they don't work with one of us no longer physically present. What I am learning is that doesn't mean the spiritual connection is broken -- it is still firmly there. I just do not have much background to experience that without the limits of some human form or being. And at the same time, I am trying to find a way to let that experience live with me and my human limits. And at that point, the conceptualization continues -- I just have not words or framework to express or describe.
When I got back home, William F. was waiting in the drive -- I had gotten a call from him yesterday, but did not know he was coming. We had a good meeting. He brought me up to speed on his project, including the start of creating a foundation (he wants it to be a 501(c)3). He was looking for help in including that entity to achieve his dream of services to under-served and underprivileged gaining education beyond high school. This is very much an ongoing conversation. I am going to pull out my files and help him with completing the creation of a no-for-profit corporation, and we started the conversation about setting up a test project probably in Appalachia -- and perhaps with Trish Brown's involvement. We shall see.
I finally realized that my body was really trying to tell me that it was just not about to cope with the inaction I was imposing on it. So this evening, I started the 6 week challenge with the exercise program using the Wii. I haven't really kept my resolve to walk every day, and am going to get help from the program to put me through a programmed exercise 4 days a week. The first session today gave more than adequate evidence that I have put this off too long. My goal is to make the 6 weeks, and then see if I can work out some weight loss and a daily exercise program -- and maybe even join one of those senior programs in a neighborhood recreation center. And for now -- I'm more than ready for bed!
So I was in bed by 11. Started out with the chin strap that arrived yesterday and went to sleep fairly quickly. Woke up about 2:30 or so, and stayed until a little after three. Thought it might be the chin strap initially, so took it off, and tried to get back to sleep. No luck. So I got up, finished up the paperwork for the DSP, sent Anna her copy of the FTE and a copy of the spread sheet that I used for that class (it is really hers), and a letter telling her about the conversation initiated by the librarian concerning materials fee collection. Got that all finished, ready for mail this morning, and went back to bed. I knew I did not have anything until the Brunch with Debbie at 10am.
Did not put on the chin strap, got back to sleep, and woke up around 7:45am. So I really did my 8 hours in two shifts. Woke up, shaved, showered, did the morning routine -- coffee only, and was prepared to leave at 9:45.
The meeting with Debbie (two hours) was very good and quite productive. I was wanting to see how well I would do. During the conversations, there were a few, predictable tight throat moments, but the conversation flowed and I was able to articulate some of the real "core" struggles that seems to be with me, lurking in the background. I really think what is going on is my finding contemporary experience in dealing with so many things that for so long were "team" or "we" issues. All the familiar coping mechanisms were predicated on the two of us -- and they don't work with one of us no longer physically present. What I am learning is that doesn't mean the spiritual connection is broken -- it is still firmly there. I just do not have much background to experience that without the limits of some human form or being. And at the same time, I am trying to find a way to let that experience live with me and my human limits. And at that point, the conceptualization continues -- I just have not words or framework to express or describe.
When I got back home, William F. was waiting in the drive -- I had gotten a call from him yesterday, but did not know he was coming. We had a good meeting. He brought me up to speed on his project, including the start of creating a foundation (he wants it to be a 501(c)3). He was looking for help in including that entity to achieve his dream of services to under-served and underprivileged gaining education beyond high school. This is very much an ongoing conversation. I am going to pull out my files and help him with completing the creation of a no-for-profit corporation, and we started the conversation about setting up a test project probably in Appalachia -- and perhaps with Trish Brown's involvement. We shall see.
I finally realized that my body was really trying to tell me that it was just not about to cope with the inaction I was imposing on it. So this evening, I started the 6 week challenge with the exercise program using the Wii. I haven't really kept my resolve to walk every day, and am going to get help from the program to put me through a programmed exercise 4 days a week. The first session today gave more than adequate evidence that I have put this off too long. My goal is to make the 6 weeks, and then see if I can work out some weight loss and a daily exercise program -- and maybe even join one of those senior programs in a neighborhood recreation center. And for now -- I'm more than ready for bed!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 118 -- a good day and a rough evening
The DSP session went well -- only had 6 there. Of the nine who were left on the list, two had some physical difficulty, and one just didn't show. We also had a frog strangler that went on and on -- starting last night and continuing most of today. The interaction was good -- not the most active group. They had all taken the course before and were primarily there to get the certificate for the insurance discount.
Got home -- had to finish up some paperwork for DSP. Also had to answer several emails -- some asking for future meetings to follow up on past conversations. When all that was done, I started fixing my late supper and it hit me. I was really missing Margaret. There was that moment when I had to deal with the idea that she was just as a meeting and would be back soon. And then the realization that I was missing her and something about that was different. Yes, part of it was I didn't have my partner to "take down" the meeting like we did so often. And yes, there was no one to discuss the calls and emails that came in. But the missing was not that more familiar tight throat, churning belly, alone that has been happening in the past.
No conclusions -- for the first time in many nights, the CPAP really worked well and I had a good, full, restful night's sleep -- dreaming and all! Maybe I am integrating more that I realize, and am beginning to understand what the reality of being alone, being individually responsible/accountable, and still being strongly connected to Margaret feel like. The more I think about it, what happened this evening was that I was missing Margaret's physical presence and I knew I she is with me.
Got home -- had to finish up some paperwork for DSP. Also had to answer several emails -- some asking for future meetings to follow up on past conversations. When all that was done, I started fixing my late supper and it hit me. I was really missing Margaret. There was that moment when I had to deal with the idea that she was just as a meeting and would be back soon. And then the realization that I was missing her and something about that was different. Yes, part of it was I didn't have my partner to "take down" the meeting like we did so often. And yes, there was no one to discuss the calls and emails that came in. But the missing was not that more familiar tight throat, churning belly, alone that has been happening in the past.
No conclusions -- for the first time in many nights, the CPAP really worked well and I had a good, full, restful night's sleep -- dreaming and all! Maybe I am integrating more that I realize, and am beginning to understand what the reality of being alone, being individually responsible/accountable, and still being strongly connected to Margaret feel like. The more I think about it, what happened this evening was that I was missing Margaret's physical presence and I knew I she is with me.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day 117 -- Been on an important meditation break
I'm not quite ready to start recording some of the really important, though mystical journey I have been on for the past six days. It is an interesting trip -- has to do with my identity, clarity about what is going on for me, some formative ideas about grief (from my perspective), and finding out some interesting things about practice and form.
Tomorrow, I'll be teaching the Driver Safety Program, so will have some contact with strangers to whom I intend to give the gift of looking at themselves and their driving. Don't know it will have anything to do with my "core" journey -- and I will not be surprised if it does.
So far, my summary is "Grief makes us experience the impossible" -- or something like that.
Tomorrow, I'll be teaching the Driver Safety Program, so will have some contact with strangers to whom I intend to give the gift of looking at themselves and their driving. Don't know it will have anything to do with my "core" journey -- and I will not be surprised if it does.
So far, my summary is "Grief makes us experience the impossible" -- or something like that.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 111 -- What's up?
I'm really not sure what is going on.
Today, I fixed myself Chicken Parmesan to go with the Spanish Rice and Succotash that I had made yesterday. That's two meals -- with some veggies left over. For dinner, a tossed salad of lettuce+, apples, blueberries, grapes, peanuts, and croutons. I felt good about the meals -- at least they are fun to fix, and I think qualify as healthy and satisfying.
Got Della Perdue's address from Jo Ann Hamby -- the bonus was getting to chat with Jo Ann and we will hopefully work together this tax season. Sent a sympathy card to Della and a response to Ann Newsome. That was satisfying -- but maybe brought something along with it.
Found a stationary box of Margaret's -- and found the courage to put it in the wastebasket. Soon after that, someone called asking for Margaret -- they would only say they were sorry when I told them she is no longer with us -- and would not say what the call was about. Also got a letter from St. Joes Hospital reminding Margaret that her annual mammogram was due with instructions about making an appointment and how to prepare and what to bring. I was tempted to call them up with an "How dare you" call, but then realized they were just doing their job, and their system is not the best coordinated. Maybe some of that residual was lurking somewhere on the edge of awareness.
Had a great conversation with Christian. He is going well -- still medicated in anticipation of passing the stone the rest of the way out. He sounded well, and was very willing to talk about the whole experience. Hopefully, after I finish my appointment with Mike T. tomorrow, I'll drive over to their place and see what I can do to help as they are preparing to move to a house.
Did a lot of emailing and a little calling about the breakfast on Thursday. Seems Al will not be able to make it after all, Dan still will be accompanying Meghan to her ob appointment. Talked to George about Dan's request to find a home for some of the "stuff" on the Tax Side (he's moving all the gear out of Benjamin Center). Sent an email to the TOSC team affirming our meeting on Thursday -- even with Al, we still have a lot to talk about and share.
As I was watching tv tonight, I found myself weepy in really strange places. Instances -- whether in commercials or programming -- of someone being affirmed, realizing the possibility of a dream, having someone to care and care for ... all themes that really hit in the midst my alone experience right now. What I must be overlooking is the obvious. I am reacting to my new life that has some very familiar parts missing -- and I don't like it.
Tomorrow is really a step into next year's tax season, followed by another on Thursday. I have not idea which way things will be going. I will just have to wait and see what opportunities I will have to play out the hand I'm holding.
Today, I fixed myself Chicken Parmesan to go with the Spanish Rice and Succotash that I had made yesterday. That's two meals -- with some veggies left over. For dinner, a tossed salad of lettuce+, apples, blueberries, grapes, peanuts, and croutons. I felt good about the meals -- at least they are fun to fix, and I think qualify as healthy and satisfying.
Got Della Perdue's address from Jo Ann Hamby -- the bonus was getting to chat with Jo Ann and we will hopefully work together this tax season. Sent a sympathy card to Della and a response to Ann Newsome. That was satisfying -- but maybe brought something along with it.
Found a stationary box of Margaret's -- and found the courage to put it in the wastebasket. Soon after that, someone called asking for Margaret -- they would only say they were sorry when I told them she is no longer with us -- and would not say what the call was about. Also got a letter from St. Joes Hospital reminding Margaret that her annual mammogram was due with instructions about making an appointment and how to prepare and what to bring. I was tempted to call them up with an "How dare you" call, but then realized they were just doing their job, and their system is not the best coordinated. Maybe some of that residual was lurking somewhere on the edge of awareness.
Had a great conversation with Christian. He is going well -- still medicated in anticipation of passing the stone the rest of the way out. He sounded well, and was very willing to talk about the whole experience. Hopefully, after I finish my appointment with Mike T. tomorrow, I'll drive over to their place and see what I can do to help as they are preparing to move to a house.
Did a lot of emailing and a little calling about the breakfast on Thursday. Seems Al will not be able to make it after all, Dan still will be accompanying Meghan to her ob appointment. Talked to George about Dan's request to find a home for some of the "stuff" on the Tax Side (he's moving all the gear out of Benjamin Center). Sent an email to the TOSC team affirming our meeting on Thursday -- even with Al, we still have a lot to talk about and share.
As I was watching tv tonight, I found myself weepy in really strange places. Instances -- whether in commercials or programming -- of someone being affirmed, realizing the possibility of a dream, having someone to care and care for ... all themes that really hit in the midst my alone experience right now. What I must be overlooking is the obvious. I am reacting to my new life that has some very familiar parts missing -- and I don't like it.
Tomorrow is really a step into next year's tax season, followed by another on Thursday. I have not idea which way things will be going. I will just have to wait and see what opportunities I will have to play out the hand I'm holding.
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