At first blush one could believe that a one year old's birthday party would not be occasion for gathering a large group of adults. and might even be possible to conceive that it would not be the best place in the world for someone that was struggling with grief and forming new relationships. For me the party was an absolute smash. It was so much fun watching Christian and Jamie having a party for their friends and there were a lot of people there. A majority of the crowd was family; there seemed to be an overabundance of little people running around and it was pretty evident that there was no limit on the number of guests based on the age of the celebrant. It was not only refreshing but for me invigorating and restorative to be in the midst of a group that was carrying so much for the little ones while also caring for each other. It was a real privilege to be there. I also was quite pleased that if I indicated a desire or willingness to chat, their response was always very positive. If I chose to quietly watch the football game, that was accepted and generally people just joined me in watching. There was no such thing as being alone. With three dogs, and a large group of people -- ranging in age from 1 to 75, there was always something happening just about anywhere on the property. That made it so easy to move in and out of groups or just watch.
Last night before going to bed I had read some of the e-mails that are on the blog on the pages to the right, and one of those e-mails was from Scott and Alycia. Alycia was there today with her two children and I had a chance to tell her how touched I was by what they wrote. Her response was as if she had been wanting to ask I was doing but was afraid to because it might be painful for me. We had a good conversation and it resulted in us exchanging phone numbers and her invitation for us to have lunch or just come hang out at their house any time I wanted to.
I also had opportunity to check with Christian concerning the projects that we had started and I had left unfinished; to chat with Lee about a change in strategy for his birthday; Ed and I exchanged pleasantries and biases about politics and football; and I spent most of the time watching Allie as she was the delight of so many people, and as her mother worked hard to get her to open presents. I was most complemented by Allie's not wanting to put down the “cell phone” that I had picked up for her when Jamie and I went to Wal-Mart.
The food was good, the cake was great, Allie was her most charming self, the interaction and fellowship was incredibly restorative, and I came away feeling that I had rejoined life. Another first was that I for the first time ever, I watched a Florida game without Margaret, and that did not dawn on me until after I had gotten home and was watching the Alabama game.
It was a very good day.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Day 133 -- 9/8/10 -- my impatience
Many of the conversations I have had in the last two days have been orchestrated by my impatience that this process is seeming to take so long. I had a good sleep last night, and recognize that I prepared myself for it much better than I have on previous evenings. Today was a good day with many very positive things happening, and some indicators that plans laid several months ago are coming to fruition.
For me the most significant part of today has been looking at my stated impatience to see what it's all about. I have seen many people and walked with them through grief and during my own process have realized that I was only seeing the teeniest top of the iceberg in the past. I knew that there would not be a blinding flash that would follow a pattern, but probably more be hills and valleys, highs and lows in a seemingly random pattern that could could not be anticipated.
I believe what has dictated the most thought is the two meetings I have tomorrow: both of them are indirectly related to Margaret and our work together. Both of them mean moving on, and I sense a certain amount of fear of loss hovering around. I know that this destination that I am so impatient about involves acceptance of the reality that Margaret is not with me physically, and that any future is of my design. What I have not anticipated nor really seen in the past is that in order to reach that acceptance, it includes the full acceptance at a non-intellectual level that I have to live in a real world and while I maintain and remain owner of my memories I have to accept the reality that they are only that.No matter how often I visit there I will not change the reality of today. I had no idea that this would be such a difficult task nor that it is such a total being issue.
With this realization I'm going to give myself some structure that will perhaps help. I realized today that I need an almost hour by hour schedule to follow, and I need to establish some do-able goals that are more than just getting through the day. I have been “cheating” by using the schedule–such as meeting with other people or volunteering for something– to avoid setting my own priority and direction. I guess what that means is acceptance is what I do about of me as a whole person who needs contact with other people but does not appropriately expect anyone else to organize my life. (while I am dictating this, I am also aware of the struggle to find words to express what I rarely say)
About five days ago, Harriet P. called, said she had a magazine article from England that mentions Margaret, and wanted to talk to me about a couple of other things. I have really had a hard time returning that call and I figured out tonight that I am anticipating that it's going to be a struggle and it's going to be hard for me to accept the possibility that Harriet may move on and I will not have much contact with her–since most of the contract was around Margaret. I think I am just afraid of moving on, and that has given me a "reason"to delay returning the call. I know I am afraid of the uncertainty bat is around that call. If I am true to my resolve to give structure that can provide some comfort, then that call is on the agenda for as early tomorrow was possible. I also hope scheduling is going to have a significant impact on meals and portion control and diet. My friend who is helping me with the website that I will meet in the morning is going to bring me the structure of a diet he used and lost 50 pounds. That may be a useful structure for me to include in my scheduling. We shall see.
For me the most significant part of today has been looking at my stated impatience to see what it's all about. I have seen many people and walked with them through grief and during my own process have realized that I was only seeing the teeniest top of the iceberg in the past. I knew that there would not be a blinding flash that would follow a pattern, but probably more be hills and valleys, highs and lows in a seemingly random pattern that could could not be anticipated.
I believe what has dictated the most thought is the two meetings I have tomorrow: both of them are indirectly related to Margaret and our work together. Both of them mean moving on, and I sense a certain amount of fear of loss hovering around. I know that this destination that I am so impatient about involves acceptance of the reality that Margaret is not with me physically, and that any future is of my design. What I have not anticipated nor really seen in the past is that in order to reach that acceptance, it includes the full acceptance at a non-intellectual level that I have to live in a real world and while I maintain and remain owner of my memories I have to accept the reality that they are only that.No matter how often I visit there I will not change the reality of today. I had no idea that this would be such a difficult task nor that it is such a total being issue.
With this realization I'm going to give myself some structure that will perhaps help. I realized today that I need an almost hour by hour schedule to follow, and I need to establish some do-able goals that are more than just getting through the day. I have been “cheating” by using the schedule–such as meeting with other people or volunteering for something– to avoid setting my own priority and direction. I guess what that means is acceptance is what I do about of me as a whole person who needs contact with other people but does not appropriately expect anyone else to organize my life. (while I am dictating this, I am also aware of the struggle to find words to express what I rarely say)
About five days ago, Harriet P. called, said she had a magazine article from England that mentions Margaret, and wanted to talk to me about a couple of other things. I have really had a hard time returning that call and I figured out tonight that I am anticipating that it's going to be a struggle and it's going to be hard for me to accept the possibility that Harriet may move on and I will not have much contact with her–since most of the contract was around Margaret. I think I am just afraid of moving on, and that has given me a "reason"to delay returning the call. I know I am afraid of the uncertainty bat is around that call. If I am true to my resolve to give structure that can provide some comfort, then that call is on the agenda for as early tomorrow was possible. I also hope scheduling is going to have a significant impact on meals and portion control and diet. My friend who is helping me with the website that I will meet in the morning is going to bring me the structure of a diet he used and lost 50 pounds. That may be a useful structure for me to include in my scheduling. We shall see.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Day 132 -- 9/7/10 Responses
Starting with my medical appointment, the day produced a variety of responses–surprising, comforting, challenging, and somewhat unexpected. The doctor this morning listened carefully and thoughtfully to my attempt at sorting where I am in my grieving and if any of that had anything to do with the adjustment to the CPAP machine. Dr. W. is really good at listening and letting it be known that he is giving full attention. He also is a CPAP user, so I really solicit his responses to how I am adjusting to the machine and whether it is at maximum helpfulness. He was pleased with how I am doing and reiterated that he does not expect to see me again until my next routine check which is in December.
I left from his office to take the paperwork for the driver safety program to Bob and Shirley. I got there just as they were about to leave, left the paperwork with Bob and expected that I would hear from him later in the day since they were going to a meeting. Sure enough he called later in the day to say that they need to make some arrangements so as not to conflict with the activity already going on in the clubhouse.
Soon after I got home, the mail came and as expected I got the DVD that was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, the hub that I was expecting to be delivered today, and the usual collection of magazines and advertisements in the mail. I had not gotten around to lunch yet when the doorbell rang and UPS handed me the order from the Hartford for the magazines that I want to have for the driver safety program. I could not believe how nicely packed but how small and lightweight the hub was.
The big surprise today was a call from Margee at College Park in Orlando. She had gotten my note that accompanied the check for the flowers she put in the church for us, memorializing Sophia and Ernest, and was quite distressed that she did not know about Margaret's death. Margee has been the one to put the flowers in the church for us since Margaret's mom died and it was something we looked forward to each year because her notes that accompany the bill are so newsy and delightful. Anyway we talked for about 30 minutes-it was a good conversation. I suspect that I will be hearing more from some of those friends of Sophia and Ernest in the coming weeks.
Lee called with information about Josh's clinic the news was good and they're putting him back on chemo. We also talked about re-establishing Jarrod's spending a day a week with me. Of course, that is contingent on Jarrod getting all his school work done. I have missed having him here -- and having his flexibility to reach some of those places where I need something done, but am afraid that if I get down, I'll have a very difficult time getting back up.
Karen S. dropped by -- she said she was thinking of me and wanted to bring me supper! Greek chicken, asparagus, rice, strawberries and blackberries. She visited briefly, and when she asked if there was anything she could do, I gave her the three big pictures of Margaret -- told her I wanted to give them to her, and I did not want to know what she did with them. She accepted the task with understanding and insight, and I was pleased to get that issue settled! I could not thank Karen enough for her thoughtfulness and bringing me supper. She also offered to come over and help me sort, clean-out and throw away. She said it in a way that confirmed that she was not just being nice -- she really wanted to help with what she knew would be a painful task for me.
It is such a comfort, challenge and reassurance -- in the midst of feeling alone -- for days like today to happen. I have not covered all the serendipities that happened today -- suffice it to say I am heading to bed much richer, thankful and blessed.
I left from his office to take the paperwork for the driver safety program to Bob and Shirley. I got there just as they were about to leave, left the paperwork with Bob and expected that I would hear from him later in the day since they were going to a meeting. Sure enough he called later in the day to say that they need to make some arrangements so as not to conflict with the activity already going on in the clubhouse.
Soon after I got home, the mail came and as expected I got the DVD that was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, the hub that I was expecting to be delivered today, and the usual collection of magazines and advertisements in the mail. I had not gotten around to lunch yet when the doorbell rang and UPS handed me the order from the Hartford for the magazines that I want to have for the driver safety program. I could not believe how nicely packed but how small and lightweight the hub was.
The big surprise today was a call from Margee at College Park in Orlando. She had gotten my note that accompanied the check for the flowers she put in the church for us, memorializing Sophia and Ernest, and was quite distressed that she did not know about Margaret's death. Margee has been the one to put the flowers in the church for us since Margaret's mom died and it was something we looked forward to each year because her notes that accompany the bill are so newsy and delightful. Anyway we talked for about 30 minutes-it was a good conversation. I suspect that I will be hearing more from some of those friends of Sophia and Ernest in the coming weeks.
Lee called with information about Josh's clinic the news was good and they're putting him back on chemo. We also talked about re-establishing Jarrod's spending a day a week with me. Of course, that is contingent on Jarrod getting all his school work done. I have missed having him here -- and having his flexibility to reach some of those places where I need something done, but am afraid that if I get down, I'll have a very difficult time getting back up.
Karen S. dropped by -- she said she was thinking of me and wanted to bring me supper! Greek chicken, asparagus, rice, strawberries and blackberries. She visited briefly, and when she asked if there was anything she could do, I gave her the three big pictures of Margaret -- told her I wanted to give them to her, and I did not want to know what she did with them. She accepted the task with understanding and insight, and I was pleased to get that issue settled! I could not thank Karen enough for her thoughtfulness and bringing me supper. She also offered to come over and help me sort, clean-out and throw away. She said it in a way that confirmed that she was not just being nice -- she really wanted to help with what she knew would be a painful task for me.
It is such a comfort, challenge and reassurance -- in the midst of feeling alone -- for days like today to happen. I have not covered all the serendipities that happened today -- suffice it to say I am heading to bed much richer, thankful and blessed.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 131 - 9/6/2010 -- It's Labor Day
All day, it felt like I should be doing something. Nancy came early because this was her only job today. While she was still here I decided to leave, with no particular destination in mind. Ended up going to the Sweetbay supermarket on Gandy, and picked up two or three things to complement a picnic for Labor Day.
Last night was rough. For the last two or three nights I have awakened at about two o'clock and for the last two nights was not able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Last night I finally got up about four, came out and puttered in the kitchen and then decided to watch a movie, and never did get back to sleep. Subsequently most of today was spent in a somewhat drowsy mode–not finding anything to do that lasted very long and bouncing from one task to another. Most of the day I had a tickle in my throat that caused a dry cough and I could not tell if may be a husk from some of the popcorn that I've fixed in the early morning hours might have gotten in my throat, or was the product of the CPAP drying out my airway.
Could I say that there was something on my mind that kept me awake–no. Is this just an unexpected feature of where I am in grieving? Is this just part of the adjustment to the CPAP machine? Because my nose has been runny and my chest producing mucus, do I have some kind of flu process going on? That's pretty much how the time from four clock until daylight went. I was caught up in the reality of having all of this going through my mind and did not have anyone to talk to about it right then but I kept bumping in to the reality that the oneI trusted to help me in these times was not here. That is a damnable reality that I keep bumping into, and each time I do, it does not seem to get any less painful.
Tomorrow I get to discuss my long list of items with Dr. Whitaker. Perhaps he will help me see a larger picture that can be more reassuring than right now. Tomorrow will bring the expected arrival of my new hub, plans for the upcoming weeks for BLOCK and Hyde Park DSP and the Board meeting at Regency Cove to confirm the DSP at that location. And I am in hopes that my ears will come back from the factory working correctly. Perhaps after a sleepless night and a not very meaningful day, this is just the low spot before the it's time to get busy and active and exercising. Just to hedge my bet, I just took two Tylenol PM that will hopefully help me sleep.
Last night was rough. For the last two or three nights I have awakened at about two o'clock and for the last two nights was not able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Last night I finally got up about four, came out and puttered in the kitchen and then decided to watch a movie, and never did get back to sleep. Subsequently most of today was spent in a somewhat drowsy mode–not finding anything to do that lasted very long and bouncing from one task to another. Most of the day I had a tickle in my throat that caused a dry cough and I could not tell if may be a husk from some of the popcorn that I've fixed in the early morning hours might have gotten in my throat, or was the product of the CPAP drying out my airway.
Could I say that there was something on my mind that kept me awake–no. Is this just an unexpected feature of where I am in grieving? Is this just part of the adjustment to the CPAP machine? Because my nose has been runny and my chest producing mucus, do I have some kind of flu process going on? That's pretty much how the time from four clock until daylight went. I was caught up in the reality of having all of this going through my mind and did not have anyone to talk to about it right then but I kept bumping in to the reality that the oneI trusted to help me in these times was not here. That is a damnable reality that I keep bumping into, and each time I do, it does not seem to get any less painful.
Tomorrow I get to discuss my long list of items with Dr. Whitaker. Perhaps he will help me see a larger picture that can be more reassuring than right now. Tomorrow will bring the expected arrival of my new hub, plans for the upcoming weeks for BLOCK and Hyde Park DSP and the Board meeting at Regency Cove to confirm the DSP at that location. And I am in hopes that my ears will come back from the factory working correctly. Perhaps after a sleepless night and a not very meaningful day, this is just the low spot before the it's time to get busy and active and exercising. Just to hedge my bet, I just took two Tylenol PM that will hopefully help me sleep.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day 129 -- 9/4/10 -- It may not be a cure....
One of the great advantages of managing my own schedule is that I could have a day like today. Christian called me late yesterday afternoon to say that his sink stopped up and wondered if I had something that could help that. Told him that we would start the day today with whatever I had on hand. He also asked that I bring up my chainsaw and blower so that he could get started on his yardwork project. This morning I left the house about 9:30 and spent a good part of the day at Christian's house. Some of the day was consumed in the pesky drain that would not open up, and all of the time was spent watching, playing, and enjoying Alli's interaction with her world.
What made it a great day was being accepted and included in the goings on as they are getting their house arranged -- as a member of the household. Jamie and I went shopping at Walmart -- which they are remodeling at the moment--while the progress of our trip was for miscellaneous plumbing parts, Jamie helped me find a birthday present for Allie. I bought her her own cell phone –manufactured by V-Tech-- which not only talks to her but also has a potential for teaching numbers and other simple concepts. We also tried out the new PizzaHut big pizza with 16 servings. One of the great things with Jamie and Christian is that they are always willing to try one of the latest fast food offerings. We were all surprised and pleased with the the taste and quality of the item--even Allie found it tasty!
About two o'clock I reluctantly left Evans Drive, and headed back to Tampa. I still had the shirts to do to finish up the laundry from yesterday and had hoped that maybe the hub that I ordered would come in. The shirts were waiting for me–the hub was not.
I know that my task now is figuring out how to be alone. Thanks to the kids, I am learning that does not mean being lonely, nor does it mean that there is not plenty of opportunity for me to be a part of others lives–it's just very different or at least unfamiliar right now. Based on today, I say it was a good day–and a good lesson–and a real privilege to be a part of another household for four hours with something to do.
What made it a great day was being accepted and included in the goings on as they are getting their house arranged -- as a member of the household. Jamie and I went shopping at Walmart -- which they are remodeling at the moment--while the progress of our trip was for miscellaneous plumbing parts, Jamie helped me find a birthday present for Allie. I bought her her own cell phone –manufactured by V-Tech-- which not only talks to her but also has a potential for teaching numbers and other simple concepts. We also tried out the new PizzaHut big pizza with 16 servings. One of the great things with Jamie and Christian is that they are always willing to try one of the latest fast food offerings. We were all surprised and pleased with the the taste and quality of the item--even Allie found it tasty!
About two o'clock I reluctantly left Evans Drive, and headed back to Tampa. I still had the shirts to do to finish up the laundry from yesterday and had hoped that maybe the hub that I ordered would come in. The shirts were waiting for me–the hub was not.
I know that my task now is figuring out how to be alone. Thanks to the kids, I am learning that does not mean being lonely, nor does it mean that there is not plenty of opportunity for me to be a part of others lives–it's just very different or at least unfamiliar right now. Based on today, I say it was a good day–and a good lesson–and a real privilege to be a part of another household for four hours with something to do.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Day 128 -- So much going on
Perhaps it's because it's the beginning of September--perhaps it's because all schedules are “going back to normal”–perhaps it's the time accomplished for me to notice that I am alone. At any rate, there is plenty of activity going on all around and I have the good fortune to be included. Christian called a little while ago to ask for my help with any stopped up sink. Tomorrow morning I will take my plumber's snake, electric blower, and electric chain saw for Christian to use.
Lee and Renée got an evening for themselves while the boys were at the other grandparents–the weight of what is happening to their house and job-search bears really very heavy on them right now. There are times when I almost feel guilty that I am so occupied with my grief that I don't do more to try to help those kids out–but then I'm not sure what I could do to lighten their load.
Things are looking good for the Regency Cove driver safety program–most likely will happen on October 6 and 7. I told Bob that I would get something written this weekend to be placed in their monthly newsletter announcing the program and probably will make some posters to be posted in the clubhouse on the property. Also two members of the couples club will be participating in the driver safety program at HydePark. Today I got the announcement that there is a website just for AARP volunteers and spent a few minutes there looking for resources to use.
Had to go see Steve to try to figure out what's happening to my hearing aids. When I described what is going on, Steve simply asked for the two aides so he could send him back to the factory for refreshing. Old Mr Responsible was still giving me a hard time about not taking off of my aids before I started sweating so much during exercise, Steve just saw that as sufficient justification for sending the equipment back to the manufacturer.
Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will get a new 7 port hub so I can hook up this ever-increasing number of devices to the computer without blowing it up. I now have three printers, this headset that I use for dictating, and I need a port for synchronizing my iPhone and downloading photos from my camera. Having a 7 port hub will make using all these things much more convenient.
The CPAP and I are getting along much better–I just expected that the adjustment would not take as long as it has and then I remember that it has not yet been 30 days–that's next week.
So there is a lot going on; there is a lot that I can be involved in and I am learning the real meaning of going on alone together. The whole issue of Margaret and I being part of a larger being and trying to find a way to capture that is constantly churning in my mind. On the way to get my ears fixed another nuance came up and I tried to send it to myself by e-mail. I think I'm going to have to get Christian or Lee to check out my iPhone and see why it is so reluctant to send e-mail. And that is just another example of what is so different now–there are things that I would like to ask somebody to do or have somebody do for me and I don't have anyone to try out the requests before I actually make it. For most folks that's probably not a big deal--for me it is a statement of the loss of something that has been so very familiar. John Denver's Annie's Song begins “you fill up my senses" and that is a clue to what I know is missing for me at times like this. My prayer is that I won't try to replace that with busy work.
Lee and Renée got an evening for themselves while the boys were at the other grandparents–the weight of what is happening to their house and job-search bears really very heavy on them right now. There are times when I almost feel guilty that I am so occupied with my grief that I don't do more to try to help those kids out–but then I'm not sure what I could do to lighten their load.
Things are looking good for the Regency Cove driver safety program–most likely will happen on October 6 and 7. I told Bob that I would get something written this weekend to be placed in their monthly newsletter announcing the program and probably will make some posters to be posted in the clubhouse on the property. Also two members of the couples club will be participating in the driver safety program at HydePark. Today I got the announcement that there is a website just for AARP volunteers and spent a few minutes there looking for resources to use.
Had to go see Steve to try to figure out what's happening to my hearing aids. When I described what is going on, Steve simply asked for the two aides so he could send him back to the factory for refreshing. Old Mr Responsible was still giving me a hard time about not taking off of my aids before I started sweating so much during exercise, Steve just saw that as sufficient justification for sending the equipment back to the manufacturer.
Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will get a new 7 port hub so I can hook up this ever-increasing number of devices to the computer without blowing it up. I now have three printers, this headset that I use for dictating, and I need a port for synchronizing my iPhone and downloading photos from my camera. Having a 7 port hub will make using all these things much more convenient.
The CPAP and I are getting along much better–I just expected that the adjustment would not take as long as it has and then I remember that it has not yet been 30 days–that's next week.
So there is a lot going on; there is a lot that I can be involved in and I am learning the real meaning of going on alone together. The whole issue of Margaret and I being part of a larger being and trying to find a way to capture that is constantly churning in my mind. On the way to get my ears fixed another nuance came up and I tried to send it to myself by e-mail. I think I'm going to have to get Christian or Lee to check out my iPhone and see why it is so reluctant to send e-mail. And that is just another example of what is so different now–there are things that I would like to ask somebody to do or have somebody do for me and I don't have anyone to try out the requests before I actually make it. For most folks that's probably not a big deal--for me it is a statement of the loss of something that has been so very familiar. John Denver's Annie's Song begins “you fill up my senses" and that is a clue to what I know is missing for me at times like this. My prayer is that I won't try to replace that with busy work.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 127 -- a new helper?
Most of yesterday was spent getting the software that I'm using right now installed so that I could dictate these messages. I am still in a training mode, and hope that this will serve to make it possible to record thoughts during the day and then do a final edit in the evening.
About mid-afternoon Renée called and said that Joshua's test results were back and they were all clear! It is really amazing to realize how the possibility of serious outcomes will not go out of my head and just float around in the background. Of course that also contributes to not wanting to get much done. Renée had suggested that they might come by since they had a break before going to the Cancer Center, but tonight was couples club night and I was in the process of getting ready to go to that meeting. So I missed a chance to see Josh and Jarrod and Renée, much to my regret.
CNN had a story today about Stephen Hawking's new book stating his position that it was not necessary for God to touch off a spark that started our world. What I find so fascinating is that this is the “God is dead” idea resurfacing again after about 50 years. I do not know if Mr. Hawking's intent was to use this idea as a way to ensure that his books sold or as a means of trying to establish one more time the fact that we as human beings insist that everything about our world is somehow limited to space, place and time. Mr. Hawking makes a great point that there are many dimensions in the total universe and that we as a group of people spend far more energy in trying to justify our limited existence rather than consider a less limited way of viewing the world -- which is somehow threatening. Sure do wish there was a dormitory “bullpen” still available to try out some of these ideas and get a dialog started.
What I find most fascinating is that just as I am struggling myself to understand what it means to no longer have Margaret's physical presence here that I still experience her and her spirit and I have no markers, other than a few fragile words to try to articulate exactly what the experiences are. I know what I am experiencing and feeling. I just run out of words. The only thing that makes any kind of sense-and nonsense–is that I am dealing in another mode of being that we call spirit that is without time without shape and without form. So because of my own limited humanness I may be able to speculate that this dimension is real but my reality markers have to include space, place and time and so I'm in a bind. I am stuck with a limited concept of philosophy (which after all is our human way of trying to be able to explain everything). If there is comfort at this point, I am aware of that throughout the history of humankind there have been notable people who came to the same juncture. I'm at the juncture, I'm not notable, and I'm not sure where this is going. It is really a great trip, though.
About mid-afternoon Renée called and said that Joshua's test results were back and they were all clear! It is really amazing to realize how the possibility of serious outcomes will not go out of my head and just float around in the background. Of course that also contributes to not wanting to get much done. Renée had suggested that they might come by since they had a break before going to the Cancer Center, but tonight was couples club night and I was in the process of getting ready to go to that meeting. So I missed a chance to see Josh and Jarrod and Renée, much to my regret.
CNN had a story today about Stephen Hawking's new book stating his position that it was not necessary for God to touch off a spark that started our world. What I find so fascinating is that this is the “God is dead” idea resurfacing again after about 50 years. I do not know if Mr. Hawking's intent was to use this idea as a way to ensure that his books sold or as a means of trying to establish one more time the fact that we as human beings insist that everything about our world is somehow limited to space, place and time. Mr. Hawking makes a great point that there are many dimensions in the total universe and that we as a group of people spend far more energy in trying to justify our limited existence rather than consider a less limited way of viewing the world -- which is somehow threatening. Sure do wish there was a dormitory “bullpen” still available to try out some of these ideas and get a dialog started.
What I find most fascinating is that just as I am struggling myself to understand what it means to no longer have Margaret's physical presence here that I still experience her and her spirit and I have no markers, other than a few fragile words to try to articulate exactly what the experiences are. I know what I am experiencing and feeling. I just run out of words. The only thing that makes any kind of sense-and nonsense–is that I am dealing in another mode of being that we call spirit that is without time without shape and without form. So because of my own limited humanness I may be able to speculate that this dimension is real but my reality markers have to include space, place and time and so I'm in a bind. I am stuck with a limited concept of philosophy (which after all is our human way of trying to be able to explain everything). If there is comfort at this point, I am aware of that throughout the history of humankind there have been notable people who came to the same juncture. I'm at the juncture, I'm not notable, and I'm not sure where this is going. It is really a great trip, though.
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