It almost seems as if exploring what alone is really about means I have to take it in very small doses. And the usual distractions are not what separates the doses. I was all set to take care of some business -- went to the Safety Deposit Box to check for data -- great memories there; her will is there (written in OK), many keep-sakes, and some policies (not ones that I need immediately). Got home just in time to find that the business appointment was canceled and we rescheduled. So I puttered. A good time to explore the new feelings of welcoming, being afraid, and puzzled by this new and unexplored state. Lunch was on the agenda and so was a nap -- the "power nap" won. Ended with the recollection that I had by first bereavement counseling session scheduled. Laura met me in the Lobby at Hospice and we talked for about an hour.
I was being my cautious self -- and I wanted to have this experience: I just didn't know if I would take the risk of trusting myself to let her even glimpse behind the mask. She is good -- patient and appropriately probing. I surprised myself by showing her more of my journey than I thought I would. At the end, we set up another appointment for two weeks -- which I welcome. That is the place and she is the person that can help me experience, accept and document this journey.
As I left, I went back to the Lobby to ask a favor of another Laura who was at the desk. She was gone, so I left a message for her. She had told me that Margaret had been her GS leader and later helped her when she was at PHS. The message was that I was collecting Margaret stories, and asked if she would tell me one, and maybe even let me record it. Two good things, I asked for what I wanted, and I may have added to my memory vault.
More puttering -- using the power chair. Then a few chores -- AND I cleaned off the typing table in my office. Found the part for my butter keeper that I had been looking for, cleaned out some HRB course notebooks, got some more room in my office. Even did a little straightening in Margaret's office, but with the business appointment canceled, I didn't have the needed extra pressure to do more that just straighten. Did print some more note cards, and used the box from the FH to store them.
Had just about settled in for the evening when William F. knocked on the door. He had just heard about Margaret's death, had intended to call her earlier to tell her about his new son, and consult with her about his project. His visit was a blessing -- I got to tell him the story -- almost got away with just being a reporter. He wanted me to know where he is in his project -- and I could tell him that since Margaret and I were in almost from the beginning I wanted to know how it is turning out. He wants my input! He cautiously walked down the business path, and I found that the excitement of perhaps being creative with the Company was still very alive and well. And I thanked him for going down that path, and I chose to defer going with him for several weeks. He is going to write up some of his ideas and present them to me later. Also made a contact through him to possibly help Brandon's coming back here from GA.
When he left, I found myself with my new friend -- alone -- got some of my marinara sauce ready to take to George in the morning (I really can't take a key lime pie to a diabetic) and decided to not think about what it will be like with the team tomorrow. Just going to stay here, write this, sleep and find out what tomorrow brings -- tomorrow. I guess that means I don't have to invent a distraction -- I can just get better acquainted with alone. Notice how it's starting to take on a personality?
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Day 4 -- A whole day alone
Thought Debbie would check in today and/or be here. Called to find out -- she reminded me that today was only a check-in. I had been scaring myself about (or putting off) doing some pruning in the back yard. Went out anyway, even though no one knew what I was doing (very unusual) and started working on the Oleanders (bitten by the freeze). Sitting in my plastic chair was cumbersome, and then I thought of the scooter that needed use. Discovered it is a very secure way to get to the plants, prune them and move around a lot.
Funny about being alone all day. Got some bills paid, bushes trimmed, a couple of phone calls, read the mail. Loneliness came in funny forms: sometimes it seemed as if Margaret would be here soon, sometimes it was as if the best thing to do is turn on the tube and sleep, sometimes it was to get excited about meeting with the Bereavement Coordinator (funny title) at Lifepath Hospice to discover what resources are available. Maybe I'm learning how to let loneliness be a friend -- that seems pretty paradoxical right now.
Thought about going over to the beach with the kids, but when I realized some of their extended family would be there with them, I chose to stay here. I am discovering that at meal times, I really prefer fixing my own meal (there is still a lot of refrigerator to eat!). Eating alone at home is far preferable to eating alone at a restaurant. I think that means the attractiveness of eating out is having someone to share the experience. I guess I'm not willing to trust myself without some reassurance of a familiar structure. I look forward to that changing.
Designed and printed some note paper today. There are a number of notes that I want to write. Thanks goodness, Marcia is taking care of the bulk of thank-you notes right now.
Awoke very early, worked at staying in the moment, connected with growing things -- hopefully helping them -- perked up the spathiphyllum, azalea and trimmed the jasmine. Nice way to cooperate with living things. Maybe that is what I have meant in the past about joining the land of the living.
Funny about being alone all day. Got some bills paid, bushes trimmed, a couple of phone calls, read the mail. Loneliness came in funny forms: sometimes it seemed as if Margaret would be here soon, sometimes it was as if the best thing to do is turn on the tube and sleep, sometimes it was to get excited about meeting with the Bereavement Coordinator (funny title) at Lifepath Hospice to discover what resources are available. Maybe I'm learning how to let loneliness be a friend -- that seems pretty paradoxical right now.
Thought about going over to the beach with the kids, but when I realized some of their extended family would be there with them, I chose to stay here. I am discovering that at meal times, I really prefer fixing my own meal (there is still a lot of refrigerator to eat!). Eating alone at home is far preferable to eating alone at a restaurant. I think that means the attractiveness of eating out is having someone to share the experience. I guess I'm not willing to trust myself without some reassurance of a familiar structure. I look forward to that changing.
Designed and printed some note paper today. There are a number of notes that I want to write. Thanks goodness, Marcia is taking care of the bulk of thank-you notes right now.
Awoke very early, worked at staying in the moment, connected with growing things -- hopefully helping them -- perked up the spathiphyllum, azalea and trimmed the jasmine. Nice way to cooperate with living things. Maybe that is what I have meant in the past about joining the land of the living.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Day 3 -- Being alone is a learned skill
On the way back from the airport, I was going up and down the hill of "how is it possible to stay in the house alone?". Nothing pleasant on either the up or down side -- just somewhat distracting while trying to drive. So I purposefully did not turn on any distractions when I got back in the house -- just started dealing with some of the product of the chaos that has been our reality in the house. The range of emotion and thought was wide, and probably only interesting to me in its diversity. A call came in -- literally (and figuratively from the world of reality) reminding me that I had made a business commitment for today. I was in the midst of making a key lime pie -- so I was already into diverting from some of the lost-ness that I was feeling. The business was scheduled in such a way that I would still have another space of alone time at home before the next scheduled piece of business I had to take care of.
That second piece was at a trusted site with people who knew Margaret, and were still experiencing shock. It was a good place to practice trusting myself to be me, and if the tears or scared voice needed some airing, it was OK. I am so thankful that I have a variety of places that I can do that. No surprise -- there are a lot more of those than I have let myself know. People are really caring and genuinely interested in how I am doing on this journey. Thanks to Steve and Mary Ann for letting me practice on their time, in their place! Their concern and caring cemented several good solid stepping stone on this strange path I am walking -- and made it seem more familiar.
Tried some old styles of diversion -- during the alone times -- and found that they took far more energy and provided far less diversion. George called to solidify the possibility of us getting together as friends, and I got the reassurance from him that there could be a place for me in his company if that was something I wanted to go back to. Glad I found that out -- I think it is probably a good thing to try some of the "old stuff" so at least anything useful can be updated. Also found out about how the health issues are progressing for "the other" George. We will be meeting with the TOSC team on Saturday, and George has promised me a sampler of his bean soup. Maybe I'll take him that key lime pie!
This morning, while driving from the airport, I experienced the scary side of being alone. Thought that was all there was to it, and I would eventually learn that I didn't have to be scared. Then later in the day, a new side of alone became apparent -- the helpless/incomplete side. Feels very different -- not much tight throat, weepy feeling -- the only name I can give it is an encompassing angst that has no shape, form or location. It is neither comforting nor disturbing, but demands notice. It is almost as if I'm lost, but I still know where I am. Didn't have a long time with the feeling -- had to take care of that business, and that served as a distraction. Hope I didn't chase the feeling away -- it seems important. There is a connection to a long ago past and the diversion then was Rudyard Kipling's poem "If".
What a way to end the day! Marcia called and we talked over an hour. The only drawback was that we were not in the same room. However, with my hearing aid system being wirelessly connected to my cell phone, it was almost as if she were there (well, she was literally in my head!). We talked of many things -- ships and sails and sealing wax; cabbages and kings -- and deepened the relationship that is a part of this new life for me. Both Marcia and Lee are reaching out in the midst of their busy lives to be sure that the old man is on his journey and doing OK. I know I could toss that off and say that they are just doing their duty -- and I am learning so much about the depth of their caring. Thank goodness they are accepting of my feeble offerings of acceptance. Reminds me of someone else that was the only one whom I would let touch me like that and I gave unqualified acceptance. I think I have been missing out on something precious for a long time -- and that is very sad.
That second piece was at a trusted site with people who knew Margaret, and were still experiencing shock. It was a good place to practice trusting myself to be me, and if the tears or scared voice needed some airing, it was OK. I am so thankful that I have a variety of places that I can do that. No surprise -- there are a lot more of those than I have let myself know. People are really caring and genuinely interested in how I am doing on this journey. Thanks to Steve and Mary Ann for letting me practice on their time, in their place! Their concern and caring cemented several good solid stepping stone on this strange path I am walking -- and made it seem more familiar.
Tried some old styles of diversion -- during the alone times -- and found that they took far more energy and provided far less diversion. George called to solidify the possibility of us getting together as friends, and I got the reassurance from him that there could be a place for me in his company if that was something I wanted to go back to. Glad I found that out -- I think it is probably a good thing to try some of the "old stuff" so at least anything useful can be updated. Also found out about how the health issues are progressing for "the other" George. We will be meeting with the TOSC team on Saturday, and George has promised me a sampler of his bean soup. Maybe I'll take him that key lime pie!
This morning, while driving from the airport, I experienced the scary side of being alone. Thought that was all there was to it, and I would eventually learn that I didn't have to be scared. Then later in the day, a new side of alone became apparent -- the helpless/incomplete side. Feels very different -- not much tight throat, weepy feeling -- the only name I can give it is an encompassing angst that has no shape, form or location. It is neither comforting nor disturbing, but demands notice. It is almost as if I'm lost, but I still know where I am. Didn't have a long time with the feeling -- had to take care of that business, and that served as a distraction. Hope I didn't chase the feeling away -- it seems important. There is a connection to a long ago past and the diversion then was Rudyard Kipling's poem "If".
What a way to end the day! Marcia called and we talked over an hour. The only drawback was that we were not in the same room. However, with my hearing aid system being wirelessly connected to my cell phone, it was almost as if she were there (well, she was literally in my head!). We talked of many things -- ships and sails and sealing wax; cabbages and kings -- and deepened the relationship that is a part of this new life for me. Both Marcia and Lee are reaching out in the midst of their busy lives to be sure that the old man is on his journey and doing OK. I know I could toss that off and say that they are just doing their duty -- and I am learning so much about the depth of their caring. Thank goodness they are accepting of my feeble offerings of acceptance. Reminds me of someone else that was the only one whom I would let touch me like that and I gave unqualified acceptance. I think I have been missing out on something precious for a long time -- and that is very sad.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Day 2 -- The world hasn't changed
If I wanted to fret about this journey, and how I will survive, today offered many opportunities -- not by what anyone said or did, but how I scared myself. Tomorrow morning, Danny leaves to go back home, and I will be given the learning opportunity of a whole unscheduled, unstructured day to............. I spent some time scaring myself with visions of rattling around the house, nothing to do (yeah, right), and just sitting on the back porch starring mindlessly into nothing to try to keep the pain away.
Danny and I spent an entire afternoon -- reminiscing, weeping, me trying to avoid his appropriately probing questions, (and patiently waiting until I heard the thunder of my feet and would come back to the path I really needed to be on), and tenderly remembering we have been on a parallel journey for a long time -- never letting the important distance get too great. Words cannot describe what we mean to each other -- because the connection cannot be understood outside a nonverbal spiritual communication. See what happens when you try to put feelings into words -- it just doesn't work!
Anyway, just a little bit ago Danny gave me his manuscript from the Memorial Service. I thought I could read it over with no trouble -- hearing the words was both painful and celestial -- they so captured Margaret's spirit. Well, the printed words on paper were no less painful and no lest celestial.
Probably influenced by Liz calling -- she had just gotten back home (YEA!) after being caught in Europe because of the Iceland eruption and missed being physically present at the Memorial Service and reception. Her presence was here -- sending soup by remote control, emails to let the Bridge Builders know of Margaret's death and what the arrangements were for the Memorial Service and Reception, keeping the "Girl Scout Gang" busy ensuring that all that could be done was being done to let me know they were grieving with me. And in our phone conversation she so tenderly and wisely shared with me some of early part of her journey when Carol died, and she let us (Margaret and me) walk beside her on some of that path. It is really hard to scare oneself about being alone and helpless when reminded that there are so many people who are there to invite to me sit by the water, put up my feet and just enjoy the world and be with sensitive, loving, caring people. That is a guaranteed path correction toward wholeness, even with a black hole now as part of my being. And it is only Day 2. My learning is growing exponentially, particularly as a whole host of folks gently stand by and smile as I stumble along -- and unanimously applaud my baby steps with the encouraging words that it is OK to be me, and to let myself experience the wide range of seemingly conflicting feelings in such a chaotic way. And every time I look up I notice that the host of people seem to stretch to infinity -- maybe they are the carriers of the hand of God.
Danny and I spent an entire afternoon -- reminiscing, weeping, me trying to avoid his appropriately probing questions, (and patiently waiting until I heard the thunder of my feet and would come back to the path I really needed to be on), and tenderly remembering we have been on a parallel journey for a long time -- never letting the important distance get too great. Words cannot describe what we mean to each other -- because the connection cannot be understood outside a nonverbal spiritual communication. See what happens when you try to put feelings into words -- it just doesn't work!
Anyway, just a little bit ago Danny gave me his manuscript from the Memorial Service. I thought I could read it over with no trouble -- hearing the words was both painful and celestial -- they so captured Margaret's spirit. Well, the printed words on paper were no less painful and no lest celestial.
Probably influenced by Liz calling -- she had just gotten back home (YEA!) after being caught in Europe because of the Iceland eruption and missed being physically present at the Memorial Service and reception. Her presence was here -- sending soup by remote control, emails to let the Bridge Builders know of Margaret's death and what the arrangements were for the Memorial Service and Reception, keeping the "Girl Scout Gang" busy ensuring that all that could be done was being done to let me know they were grieving with me. And in our phone conversation she so tenderly and wisely shared with me some of early part of her journey when Carol died, and she let us (Margaret and me) walk beside her on some of that path. It is really hard to scare oneself about being alone and helpless when reminded that there are so many people who are there to invite to me sit by the water, put up my feet and just enjoy the world and be with sensitive, loving, caring people. That is a guaranteed path correction toward wholeness, even with a black hole now as part of my being. And it is only Day 2. My learning is growing exponentially, particularly as a whole host of folks gently stand by and smile as I stumble along -- and unanimously applaud my baby steps with the encouraging words that it is OK to be me, and to let myself experience the wide range of seemingly conflicting feelings in such a chaotic way. And every time I look up I notice that the host of people seem to stretch to infinity -- maybe they are the carriers of the hand of God.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Day One -- Goodbyes have been said
Maybe on the first day of a new life, the things to get done would not wake me up. But they did -- and I started finding out what it is like to live with over half of me gone. Thankfully the chores -- clean up from guests and bring home another, made the alone part of this new being together less noticeable -- or so I thought. I had to make myself do routine things -- the constant thought being I can just sit and go mindless in front of the tube. Thankfully I did not give in -- got the place straight and brought my friend home.
How thoughtful of Marcia and Aaron to leave in the middle of the night -- so I would sleep after a very full and stressful day. They are really great, and I realized just how much I needed them, love them and how awed I am seeing their caring and their supportive relationship. That view goes in the book for strong support when I start toward the "awful s".
The reality is: Margaret's physical presence is no longer here; Life continues for me; Margaret's presence is with me; I am very sad; and I know I can make it. Though alone in the sense that I no longer have my partner to be with, fuss over, and do for: I have the great gift of Lee and Marcia, and their support, companionship, and the incredible hug that comes from them, their partners, and my grandchildren/great-grandchild! I am truly the richest man in the world -- in the middle of a life-altering loss.
How thoughtful of Marcia and Aaron to leave in the middle of the night -- so I would sleep after a very full and stressful day. They are really great, and I realized just how much I needed them, love them and how awed I am seeing their caring and their supportive relationship. That view goes in the book for strong support when I start toward the "awful s".
The reality is: Margaret's physical presence is no longer here; Life continues for me; Margaret's presence is with me; I am very sad; and I know I can make it. Though alone in the sense that I no longer have my partner to be with, fuss over, and do for: I have the great gift of Lee and Marcia, and their support, companionship, and the incredible hug that comes from them, their partners, and my grandchildren/great-grandchild! I am truly the richest man in the world -- in the middle of a life-altering loss.
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