Starting with my medical appointment, the day produced a variety of responses–surprising, comforting, challenging, and somewhat unexpected. The doctor this morning listened carefully and thoughtfully to my attempt at sorting where I am in my grieving and if any of that had anything to do with the adjustment to the CPAP machine. Dr. W. is really good at listening and letting it be known that he is giving full attention. He also is a CPAP user, so I really solicit his responses to how I am adjusting to the machine and whether it is at maximum helpfulness. He was pleased with how I am doing and reiterated that he does not expect to see me again until my next routine check which is in December.
I left from his office to take the paperwork for the driver safety program to Bob and Shirley. I got there just as they were about to leave, left the paperwork with Bob and expected that I would hear from him later in the day since they were going to a meeting. Sure enough he called later in the day to say that they need to make some arrangements so as not to conflict with the activity already going on in the clubhouse.
Soon after I got home, the mail came and as expected I got the DVD that was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, the hub that I was expecting to be delivered today, and the usual collection of magazines and advertisements in the mail. I had not gotten around to lunch yet when the doorbell rang and UPS handed me the order from the Hartford for the magazines that I want to have for the driver safety program. I could not believe how nicely packed but how small and lightweight the hub was.
The big surprise today was a call from Margee at College Park in Orlando. She had gotten my note that accompanied the check for the flowers she put in the church for us, memorializing Sophia and Ernest, and was quite distressed that she did not know about Margaret's death. Margee has been the one to put the flowers in the church for us since Margaret's mom died and it was something we looked forward to each year because her notes that accompany the bill are so newsy and delightful. Anyway we talked for about 30 minutes-it was a good conversation. I suspect that I will be hearing more from some of those friends of Sophia and Ernest in the coming weeks.
Lee called with information about Josh's clinic the news was good and they're putting him back on chemo. We also talked about re-establishing Jarrod's spending a day a week with me. Of course, that is contingent on Jarrod getting all his school work done. I have missed having him here -- and having his flexibility to reach some of those places where I need something done, but am afraid that if I get down, I'll have a very difficult time getting back up.
Karen S. dropped by -- she said she was thinking of me and wanted to bring me supper! Greek chicken, asparagus, rice, strawberries and blackberries. She visited briefly, and when she asked if there was anything she could do, I gave her the three big pictures of Margaret -- told her I wanted to give them to her, and I did not want to know what she did with them. She accepted the task with understanding and insight, and I was pleased to get that issue settled! I could not thank Karen enough for her thoughtfulness and bringing me supper. She also offered to come over and help me sort, clean-out and throw away. She said it in a way that confirmed that she was not just being nice -- she really wanted to help with what she knew would be a painful task for me.
It is such a comfort, challenge and reassurance -- in the midst of feeling alone -- for days like today to happen. I have not covered all the serendipities that happened today -- suffice it to say I am heading to bed much richer, thankful and blessed.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 131 - 9/6/2010 -- It's Labor Day
All day, it felt like I should be doing something. Nancy came early because this was her only job today. While she was still here I decided to leave, with no particular destination in mind. Ended up going to the Sweetbay supermarket on Gandy, and picked up two or three things to complement a picnic for Labor Day.
Last night was rough. For the last two or three nights I have awakened at about two o'clock and for the last two nights was not able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Last night I finally got up about four, came out and puttered in the kitchen and then decided to watch a movie, and never did get back to sleep. Subsequently most of today was spent in a somewhat drowsy mode–not finding anything to do that lasted very long and bouncing from one task to another. Most of the day I had a tickle in my throat that caused a dry cough and I could not tell if may be a husk from some of the popcorn that I've fixed in the early morning hours might have gotten in my throat, or was the product of the CPAP drying out my airway.
Could I say that there was something on my mind that kept me awake–no. Is this just an unexpected feature of where I am in grieving? Is this just part of the adjustment to the CPAP machine? Because my nose has been runny and my chest producing mucus, do I have some kind of flu process going on? That's pretty much how the time from four clock until daylight went. I was caught up in the reality of having all of this going through my mind and did not have anyone to talk to about it right then but I kept bumping in to the reality that the oneI trusted to help me in these times was not here. That is a damnable reality that I keep bumping into, and each time I do, it does not seem to get any less painful.
Tomorrow I get to discuss my long list of items with Dr. Whitaker. Perhaps he will help me see a larger picture that can be more reassuring than right now. Tomorrow will bring the expected arrival of my new hub, plans for the upcoming weeks for BLOCK and Hyde Park DSP and the Board meeting at Regency Cove to confirm the DSP at that location. And I am in hopes that my ears will come back from the factory working correctly. Perhaps after a sleepless night and a not very meaningful day, this is just the low spot before the it's time to get busy and active and exercising. Just to hedge my bet, I just took two Tylenol PM that will hopefully help me sleep.
Last night was rough. For the last two or three nights I have awakened at about two o'clock and for the last two nights was not able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Last night I finally got up about four, came out and puttered in the kitchen and then decided to watch a movie, and never did get back to sleep. Subsequently most of today was spent in a somewhat drowsy mode–not finding anything to do that lasted very long and bouncing from one task to another. Most of the day I had a tickle in my throat that caused a dry cough and I could not tell if may be a husk from some of the popcorn that I've fixed in the early morning hours might have gotten in my throat, or was the product of the CPAP drying out my airway.
Could I say that there was something on my mind that kept me awake–no. Is this just an unexpected feature of where I am in grieving? Is this just part of the adjustment to the CPAP machine? Because my nose has been runny and my chest producing mucus, do I have some kind of flu process going on? That's pretty much how the time from four clock until daylight went. I was caught up in the reality of having all of this going through my mind and did not have anyone to talk to about it right then but I kept bumping in to the reality that the oneI trusted to help me in these times was not here. That is a damnable reality that I keep bumping into, and each time I do, it does not seem to get any less painful.
Tomorrow I get to discuss my long list of items with Dr. Whitaker. Perhaps he will help me see a larger picture that can be more reassuring than right now. Tomorrow will bring the expected arrival of my new hub, plans for the upcoming weeks for BLOCK and Hyde Park DSP and the Board meeting at Regency Cove to confirm the DSP at that location. And I am in hopes that my ears will come back from the factory working correctly. Perhaps after a sleepless night and a not very meaningful day, this is just the low spot before the it's time to get busy and active and exercising. Just to hedge my bet, I just took two Tylenol PM that will hopefully help me sleep.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day 129 -- 9/4/10 -- It may not be a cure....
One of the great advantages of managing my own schedule is that I could have a day like today. Christian called me late yesterday afternoon to say that his sink stopped up and wondered if I had something that could help that. Told him that we would start the day today with whatever I had on hand. He also asked that I bring up my chainsaw and blower so that he could get started on his yardwork project. This morning I left the house about 9:30 and spent a good part of the day at Christian's house. Some of the day was consumed in the pesky drain that would not open up, and all of the time was spent watching, playing, and enjoying Alli's interaction with her world.
What made it a great day was being accepted and included in the goings on as they are getting their house arranged -- as a member of the household. Jamie and I went shopping at Walmart -- which they are remodeling at the moment--while the progress of our trip was for miscellaneous plumbing parts, Jamie helped me find a birthday present for Allie. I bought her her own cell phone –manufactured by V-Tech-- which not only talks to her but also has a potential for teaching numbers and other simple concepts. We also tried out the new PizzaHut big pizza with 16 servings. One of the great things with Jamie and Christian is that they are always willing to try one of the latest fast food offerings. We were all surprised and pleased with the the taste and quality of the item--even Allie found it tasty!
About two o'clock I reluctantly left Evans Drive, and headed back to Tampa. I still had the shirts to do to finish up the laundry from yesterday and had hoped that maybe the hub that I ordered would come in. The shirts were waiting for me–the hub was not.
I know that my task now is figuring out how to be alone. Thanks to the kids, I am learning that does not mean being lonely, nor does it mean that there is not plenty of opportunity for me to be a part of others lives–it's just very different or at least unfamiliar right now. Based on today, I say it was a good day–and a good lesson–and a real privilege to be a part of another household for four hours with something to do.
What made it a great day was being accepted and included in the goings on as they are getting their house arranged -- as a member of the household. Jamie and I went shopping at Walmart -- which they are remodeling at the moment--while the progress of our trip was for miscellaneous plumbing parts, Jamie helped me find a birthday present for Allie. I bought her her own cell phone –manufactured by V-Tech-- which not only talks to her but also has a potential for teaching numbers and other simple concepts. We also tried out the new PizzaHut big pizza with 16 servings. One of the great things with Jamie and Christian is that they are always willing to try one of the latest fast food offerings. We were all surprised and pleased with the the taste and quality of the item--even Allie found it tasty!
About two o'clock I reluctantly left Evans Drive, and headed back to Tampa. I still had the shirts to do to finish up the laundry from yesterday and had hoped that maybe the hub that I ordered would come in. The shirts were waiting for me–the hub was not.
I know that my task now is figuring out how to be alone. Thanks to the kids, I am learning that does not mean being lonely, nor does it mean that there is not plenty of opportunity for me to be a part of others lives–it's just very different or at least unfamiliar right now. Based on today, I say it was a good day–and a good lesson–and a real privilege to be a part of another household for four hours with something to do.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Day 128 -- So much going on
Perhaps it's because it's the beginning of September--perhaps it's because all schedules are “going back to normal”–perhaps it's the time accomplished for me to notice that I am alone. At any rate, there is plenty of activity going on all around and I have the good fortune to be included. Christian called a little while ago to ask for my help with any stopped up sink. Tomorrow morning I will take my plumber's snake, electric blower, and electric chain saw for Christian to use.
Lee and Renée got an evening for themselves while the boys were at the other grandparents–the weight of what is happening to their house and job-search bears really very heavy on them right now. There are times when I almost feel guilty that I am so occupied with my grief that I don't do more to try to help those kids out–but then I'm not sure what I could do to lighten their load.
Things are looking good for the Regency Cove driver safety program–most likely will happen on October 6 and 7. I told Bob that I would get something written this weekend to be placed in their monthly newsletter announcing the program and probably will make some posters to be posted in the clubhouse on the property. Also two members of the couples club will be participating in the driver safety program at HydePark. Today I got the announcement that there is a website just for AARP volunteers and spent a few minutes there looking for resources to use.
Had to go see Steve to try to figure out what's happening to my hearing aids. When I described what is going on, Steve simply asked for the two aides so he could send him back to the factory for refreshing. Old Mr Responsible was still giving me a hard time about not taking off of my aids before I started sweating so much during exercise, Steve just saw that as sufficient justification for sending the equipment back to the manufacturer.
Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will get a new 7 port hub so I can hook up this ever-increasing number of devices to the computer without blowing it up. I now have three printers, this headset that I use for dictating, and I need a port for synchronizing my iPhone and downloading photos from my camera. Having a 7 port hub will make using all these things much more convenient.
The CPAP and I are getting along much better–I just expected that the adjustment would not take as long as it has and then I remember that it has not yet been 30 days–that's next week.
So there is a lot going on; there is a lot that I can be involved in and I am learning the real meaning of going on alone together. The whole issue of Margaret and I being part of a larger being and trying to find a way to capture that is constantly churning in my mind. On the way to get my ears fixed another nuance came up and I tried to send it to myself by e-mail. I think I'm going to have to get Christian or Lee to check out my iPhone and see why it is so reluctant to send e-mail. And that is just another example of what is so different now–there are things that I would like to ask somebody to do or have somebody do for me and I don't have anyone to try out the requests before I actually make it. For most folks that's probably not a big deal--for me it is a statement of the loss of something that has been so very familiar. John Denver's Annie's Song begins “you fill up my senses" and that is a clue to what I know is missing for me at times like this. My prayer is that I won't try to replace that with busy work.
Lee and Renée got an evening for themselves while the boys were at the other grandparents–the weight of what is happening to their house and job-search bears really very heavy on them right now. There are times when I almost feel guilty that I am so occupied with my grief that I don't do more to try to help those kids out–but then I'm not sure what I could do to lighten their load.
Things are looking good for the Regency Cove driver safety program–most likely will happen on October 6 and 7. I told Bob that I would get something written this weekend to be placed in their monthly newsletter announcing the program and probably will make some posters to be posted in the clubhouse on the property. Also two members of the couples club will be participating in the driver safety program at HydePark. Today I got the announcement that there is a website just for AARP volunteers and spent a few minutes there looking for resources to use.
Had to go see Steve to try to figure out what's happening to my hearing aids. When I described what is going on, Steve simply asked for the two aides so he could send him back to the factory for refreshing. Old Mr Responsible was still giving me a hard time about not taking off of my aids before I started sweating so much during exercise, Steve just saw that as sufficient justification for sending the equipment back to the manufacturer.
Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will get a new 7 port hub so I can hook up this ever-increasing number of devices to the computer without blowing it up. I now have three printers, this headset that I use for dictating, and I need a port for synchronizing my iPhone and downloading photos from my camera. Having a 7 port hub will make using all these things much more convenient.
The CPAP and I are getting along much better–I just expected that the adjustment would not take as long as it has and then I remember that it has not yet been 30 days–that's next week.
So there is a lot going on; there is a lot that I can be involved in and I am learning the real meaning of going on alone together. The whole issue of Margaret and I being part of a larger being and trying to find a way to capture that is constantly churning in my mind. On the way to get my ears fixed another nuance came up and I tried to send it to myself by e-mail. I think I'm going to have to get Christian or Lee to check out my iPhone and see why it is so reluctant to send e-mail. And that is just another example of what is so different now–there are things that I would like to ask somebody to do or have somebody do for me and I don't have anyone to try out the requests before I actually make it. For most folks that's probably not a big deal--for me it is a statement of the loss of something that has been so very familiar. John Denver's Annie's Song begins “you fill up my senses" and that is a clue to what I know is missing for me at times like this. My prayer is that I won't try to replace that with busy work.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 127 -- a new helper?
Most of yesterday was spent getting the software that I'm using right now installed so that I could dictate these messages. I am still in a training mode, and hope that this will serve to make it possible to record thoughts during the day and then do a final edit in the evening.
About mid-afternoon Renée called and said that Joshua's test results were back and they were all clear! It is really amazing to realize how the possibility of serious outcomes will not go out of my head and just float around in the background. Of course that also contributes to not wanting to get much done. Renée had suggested that they might come by since they had a break before going to the Cancer Center, but tonight was couples club night and I was in the process of getting ready to go to that meeting. So I missed a chance to see Josh and Jarrod and Renée, much to my regret.
CNN had a story today about Stephen Hawking's new book stating his position that it was not necessary for God to touch off a spark that started our world. What I find so fascinating is that this is the “God is dead” idea resurfacing again after about 50 years. I do not know if Mr. Hawking's intent was to use this idea as a way to ensure that his books sold or as a means of trying to establish one more time the fact that we as human beings insist that everything about our world is somehow limited to space, place and time. Mr. Hawking makes a great point that there are many dimensions in the total universe and that we as a group of people spend far more energy in trying to justify our limited existence rather than consider a less limited way of viewing the world -- which is somehow threatening. Sure do wish there was a dormitory “bullpen” still available to try out some of these ideas and get a dialog started.
What I find most fascinating is that just as I am struggling myself to understand what it means to no longer have Margaret's physical presence here that I still experience her and her spirit and I have no markers, other than a few fragile words to try to articulate exactly what the experiences are. I know what I am experiencing and feeling. I just run out of words. The only thing that makes any kind of sense-and nonsense–is that I am dealing in another mode of being that we call spirit that is without time without shape and without form. So because of my own limited humanness I may be able to speculate that this dimension is real but my reality markers have to include space, place and time and so I'm in a bind. I am stuck with a limited concept of philosophy (which after all is our human way of trying to be able to explain everything). If there is comfort at this point, I am aware of that throughout the history of humankind there have been notable people who came to the same juncture. I'm at the juncture, I'm not notable, and I'm not sure where this is going. It is really a great trip, though.
About mid-afternoon Renée called and said that Joshua's test results were back and they were all clear! It is really amazing to realize how the possibility of serious outcomes will not go out of my head and just float around in the background. Of course that also contributes to not wanting to get much done. Renée had suggested that they might come by since they had a break before going to the Cancer Center, but tonight was couples club night and I was in the process of getting ready to go to that meeting. So I missed a chance to see Josh and Jarrod and Renée, much to my regret.
CNN had a story today about Stephen Hawking's new book stating his position that it was not necessary for God to touch off a spark that started our world. What I find so fascinating is that this is the “God is dead” idea resurfacing again after about 50 years. I do not know if Mr. Hawking's intent was to use this idea as a way to ensure that his books sold or as a means of trying to establish one more time the fact that we as human beings insist that everything about our world is somehow limited to space, place and time. Mr. Hawking makes a great point that there are many dimensions in the total universe and that we as a group of people spend far more energy in trying to justify our limited existence rather than consider a less limited way of viewing the world -- which is somehow threatening. Sure do wish there was a dormitory “bullpen” still available to try out some of these ideas and get a dialog started.
What I find most fascinating is that just as I am struggling myself to understand what it means to no longer have Margaret's physical presence here that I still experience her and her spirit and I have no markers, other than a few fragile words to try to articulate exactly what the experiences are. I know what I am experiencing and feeling. I just run out of words. The only thing that makes any kind of sense-and nonsense–is that I am dealing in another mode of being that we call spirit that is without time without shape and without form. So because of my own limited humanness I may be able to speculate that this dimension is real but my reality markers have to include space, place and time and so I'm in a bind. I am stuck with a limited concept of philosophy (which after all is our human way of trying to be able to explain everything). If there is comfort at this point, I am aware of that throughout the history of humankind there have been notable people who came to the same juncture. I'm at the juncture, I'm not notable, and I'm not sure where this is going. It is really a great trip, though.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Day 125 -- A new front lawn!
There is good news and bad news. The good news is that widower-hood changes the use of calendaring. The bad news is still -- other people still follow their own schedules and priorities. Yesterday, I was so pleased that I could -- at the last minute-- write in a luncheon date with George and Diane. I had been looking forward to finally meeting Diane, and so pleased that her medical issues were in control, and she could join us for lunch! George initiated the invitation, so I knew he was very pleased with her recovery and wanted her to exercise her growing freedom from pain.
We met at Mom's place -- had great food -- and a most delightful hour and a half. It is amazing how parallel some of our experiences were. George had told me Diane was "head-strong" and I very much understand why he loves her and that attribute about her. There were many very comfortable and comforting subjects that we shared, and had a great time getting acquainted. We left each other with tentative plans to get together again.
Got home and continued my 6 week challenge on the Wii. I found my self enjoying the exercise, and could even keep up with the trainer. The way it is programmed (so far), I don't think it will get boring!
Today had only one entry on the calendar -- a new front lawn. Massey was to come, take away the old dead lawn (they had sprayed it) and put down new sod. However, the day started with a call from Christian wondering if I could come over and just hang out. He also had a project he wanted my help with. Lee also called to say that Josh's counts were still low, and they were going to do a bone marrow study to see if they could figure out what is going on. That meant putting Josh to sleep to get the bone marrow -- and raised all kind of very scary scenarios.
I called the Massey office to ask when I could expect the crew to do the yard. The answer? "Sometime between now and 2 pm". Soon after the call, the 4 pallets of sod were delivered on the driveway, and being the eternal optimist, I assumed the workmen could not be far behind. I wanted to get to Clearwater to see what I could do to help Christian and Jamie. I had fretted plenty about Josh -- even though I knew we wouldn't know anything for at least two days. As Lee said, that is more than enough time for the malicious devils to run around in our heads with all kinds of dire predictions.
Anyway, the crew arrived -- 6 men, 3 trucks, 3 machines, and an apparent willingness to work in the heat. They were obviously accustomed to the heat and they went right to work. After watching them for about an hour (from the inside, of course) I put out some ice water and glasses for them. The amazing thing was that the front yard went from dead to new green in 1 1/2 hours! I got my instructions for programming the irrigation system for the next 30 days. I was very pleased with their work, and they seemed to be pleased with their job. And, after letting the water run for a hour, we had a quick rain storm that put down plenty more water!
The men got cleaned up and gone about 5 -- I called Chris and they were out getting a quick bite. I asked how long before they would home -- and realized that if I went over there and spent any time with them, it would be dark and I would be driving on the Courtney Campbell. I asked Chris if we could change the plan to tomorrow -- and I'm going to be there about 11 am. Thank goodness for the flexibility on my schedule!
The CPAP thing is going well. Last night, I got in bed before I was ready -- got up, read for about an hour, then I was ready. This morning, I had a bit of a runny nose -- think I will talk to Dr Whitaker about that sinus recommendation line in the initial study when I see him next Tues. I'll be sure that is on my list (which I am starting right now!)
We met at Mom's place -- had great food -- and a most delightful hour and a half. It is amazing how parallel some of our experiences were. George had told me Diane was "head-strong" and I very much understand why he loves her and that attribute about her. There were many very comfortable and comforting subjects that we shared, and had a great time getting acquainted. We left each other with tentative plans to get together again.
Got home and continued my 6 week challenge on the Wii. I found my self enjoying the exercise, and could even keep up with the trainer. The way it is programmed (so far), I don't think it will get boring!
Today had only one entry on the calendar -- a new front lawn. Massey was to come, take away the old dead lawn (they had sprayed it) and put down new sod. However, the day started with a call from Christian wondering if I could come over and just hang out. He also had a project he wanted my help with. Lee also called to say that Josh's counts were still low, and they were going to do a bone marrow study to see if they could figure out what is going on. That meant putting Josh to sleep to get the bone marrow -- and raised all kind of very scary scenarios.
I called the Massey office to ask when I could expect the crew to do the yard. The answer? "Sometime between now and 2 pm". Soon after the call, the 4 pallets of sod were delivered on the driveway, and being the eternal optimist, I assumed the workmen could not be far behind. I wanted to get to Clearwater to see what I could do to help Christian and Jamie. I had fretted plenty about Josh -- even though I knew we wouldn't know anything for at least two days. As Lee said, that is more than enough time for the malicious devils to run around in our heads with all kinds of dire predictions.
Anyway, the crew arrived -- 6 men, 3 trucks, 3 machines, and an apparent willingness to work in the heat. They were obviously accustomed to the heat and they went right to work. After watching them for about an hour (from the inside, of course) I put out some ice water and glasses for them. The amazing thing was that the front yard went from dead to new green in 1 1/2 hours! I got my instructions for programming the irrigation system for the next 30 days. I was very pleased with their work, and they seemed to be pleased with their job. And, after letting the water run for a hour, we had a quick rain storm that put down plenty more water!
The men got cleaned up and gone about 5 -- I called Chris and they were out getting a quick bite. I asked how long before they would home -- and realized that if I went over there and spent any time with them, it would be dark and I would be driving on the Courtney Campbell. I asked Chris if we could change the plan to tomorrow -- and I'm going to be there about 11 am. Thank goodness for the flexibility on my schedule!
The CPAP thing is going well. Last night, I got in bed before I was ready -- got up, read for about an hour, then I was ready. This morning, I had a bit of a runny nose -- think I will talk to Dr Whitaker about that sinus recommendation line in the initial study when I see him next Tues. I'll be sure that is on my list (which I am starting right now!)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 123 -- Our Anniversary
Yesterday I had baked waffles and biscuits (for the freezer) and made a banana pudding. So I started today with a waffle, egg and sausage sandwich with Orange marmalade. Great start of the day, followed by the customary Sunday Morning and Christ Matthews. Did some straightening up, stored the DSP materials and ordered some more from Hartford.
Decided to make a Chicken Divan for the week, and fixed rice with the left over "binder" from the Divan. So now I have a rather good menu for the week. Going to start the week off with lunch with George and Diane, new sod on the front yard on Tuesday, and expect the new MacSpeech Dictate on Wed. or Thurs. Couples Club is Thursday night at the Moore's, and sometime during the week, I owe the Crislips a visit.
The day was spent thinking of Margaret and many of the fun things we did on our anniversary -- rarely on the actual date (other complications meant we would schedule a day for ourselves -- just not on the 29th). The memories were very pleasant, and only as I write this is there sadness because she was not here to enjoy the movies I got for the day. But, in a funny way, I enjoyed the day as if she were here. And for me, she was!
Decided to make a Chicken Divan for the week, and fixed rice with the left over "binder" from the Divan. So now I have a rather good menu for the week. Going to start the week off with lunch with George and Diane, new sod on the front yard on Tuesday, and expect the new MacSpeech Dictate on Wed. or Thurs. Couples Club is Thursday night at the Moore's, and sometime during the week, I owe the Crislips a visit.
The day was spent thinking of Margaret and many of the fun things we did on our anniversary -- rarely on the actual date (other complications meant we would schedule a day for ourselves -- just not on the 29th). The memories were very pleasant, and only as I write this is there sadness because she was not here to enjoy the movies I got for the day. But, in a funny way, I enjoyed the day as if she were here. And for me, she was!
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