Day 76 -- the trip was successful!

Not only did I get in around 6 on Sunday night, I got everything in place(unpacked), sent text messages to Lee, Marcia and Buzzy.  I was very pleased with the way the trip went.  I am continuing to be concerned about the tendency at times to just nod off.  More than once I had to take proactive steps to get adrenalin flowing.  No close calls involving others -- just my own concern that my body is doing this.  Hope this week brings some data from the sleep study, and we can  get whatever is going on fixed.  This morning, it seemed that my night sweats were even more profuse.  Good thing that I put off the laundry until today.
As I was getting this process started, and some other weekend domestic chores I had neglected,  Lee called.  The bad news is that he had a cold and it is really bringing him down.  The hurry up news was that the Tall Ships were still in town (until the 14th), and we were to meet at Channelside about noon.  Had to abandon my chores, call Nancy and tell her to just come on in -- that I might be back before she left.
We only went to see the Eagle (the Coast Guard training tall ship) -- it was impressive.  What was really impressive was the heat.  We went to Jackson's for a very light lunch -- the truth was we needed to cool down -- particularly the kids.  It was great fun -- got some pictures which I will post tomorrow.
Got a lot done on setting up the video for the DSP, made some banana nut mini-muffins while waiting for the video to render and load, but did not get back to the laundry.
On the drive to Coral Springs and back, had time to do some serious thinking about this blog.  While I have used it as a log of some of the external signs of my grief work,  I thought about other stuff that comes up, and would appropriately be far more interesting than my naval gazing.  So starting tomorrow, I am going to share more of my reaction to the "outside" world.  Maybe even do a little preaching -- after all this is a convenient and relatively innocuous soap box.  On Wednesday, I start my series of Wed. morning sessions getting my CE hours in for HRB.  I also see the way clear to get the DSP set up in Powerpoint.  Need to go to Hyde Park UMC and see what the set-up there is and whether there is a computer or projector available in the room that will be used for DSP.  Stay tuned.

Day 74 -- Getting ready for a solo trip

No matter what was on the agenda for today, it was as if everything was centering on the trip to Coral Springs tomorrow.  I didn't finish the blog this morning until about 1:30am -- and then I just could not get to sleep.  Ended up getting back up about 4 and staying up for the rest of the day.  There were naps occasionally, as I would go about doing a list of what I needed to take with me.  Did some domestic things -- and by late afternoon, I was fighting naps so I would not mess up sleep tonight.  Think I am ready for a good rest -- have a little more laying out for packing to do.  The had part is that this is just an overnight trip -- so I don't want to take a whole bunch of stuff.
Buzzy called just a little bit ago -- wanted to be sure I was coming.  Gave me a rundown of who was already there.  Sad thing -- Sunny and James came down a few days ago -- and Sunny has been in the hospital the whole time she has been in town.  Hopefully she will get out in the am in time for the reception.  Told Buzz I would call him when I get in town -- also told him the continuing trip to Key West just didn't work out.  Maybe Jarrod and I can catch the shuttle sometime in August and spend a day in Key West.
I really have mixed feeling and concerns about driving to Coral Springs tomorrow.  It is only a 4 hour trip -- but it is the first one that I won't have my heartbeat, navigator,  planner and companion with me.  Going to be interesting to see how much the Garmin and iPhone will serve as a substitute.  What seems to be missing is someone to talk to about the trip, to make in route decisions about stops, and what seems like a thousand ghost stories about "what do I do if" -- I'm just discovering how many little interactive details I took great reassurance from and knew that Margaret was there to complete any of my incomplete or unthought of plans.
It's 11pm and I'm headed to bed so I can get started about 8am tomorrow.  Will probably not blog tomorrow night -- will pick it up sometime Sunday.

Day 73 -- Yes, I did not post for two days

On Tuesday, I reported for the sleep study at 8:30pm.  Got there about 8:15, and got  paperwork completed, directions for where everything was that I might need, and by 10:00 they had me all wired up and ready for bed.  I had lots of wires attached to electrodes glued all over my body.  It took forever to get comfortable and then to get to sleep.  No clocks in the room, so I don't think I nodded off until 1 or 2 am.  At 5:30am Wednesday, my technician came in to get me un-wired so I could dress.  She noted that I did not get to sleep in time for them to do the "split study", which apparently meant that at about 2am they were going to hook my up to one of those "Darth Vader" masks.  That means I may have another session to learn about that machine and get fitted.
I was out of the sleep center by 6am.  Stopped by Burger King to get breakfast and headed home.  Lasted long enough to eat, and then finished my night's sleep.  Lee called about mid-morning saying he was coming by to drop off Jarrod,  so I got myself awake -- just about the time they got here.
What a great time Jarrod and I had together.  I'm not sure I was good company -- I was moving kind of slow.  We did some cooking together, moving furniture (got the house back in some kind of order), tried a new arrangement in the TV section of the great room.  Jarrod got to use the mandolin and we made some great french fries (a la Steak and Shake), and after lunch, made some ribbon fries (a la Tihitian Inn).  It was great fun, and we both showed restraint in the amount we fixed.  Jarrod led the way is getting some things done in the back yard: we got pretty hot and sweatty.  So, we had to fix that by taking a swim next door (Lois had renewed her offer of the pool for my grandsons).  We had great fun in the pool -- more playing than swimming, but fun none the less.  After coming back in for showers and dry clothes (Jarrod brought a change with him), we were trying to figure out whether I was going to take Jarrod home (to Apollo Beach) or if his Dad would be through with his class in time to come pick him up.  Turned out Lee was going to be through with the finals he was giving in time to pick Jarrod up. 
It was really a great day with Jarrod.  He had time to try out some new things, to do some of his familiar things that he always wants to do when he is here, and I think we came to a good agreement about plans for future visits.  Next on the agenda: potato soup.
No matter how much fund the day was, I was very much aware that I was still suffering from too little sleep -- so instead of posting on Wednesday night, I just managed to make it to bed.  Started early and got up just a few minutes before 7.  Really rested.
Today was a lazy day.  Still had some of the warmth left over of having had a companion with me all day yesterday.  Did some set-up work on getting the SDC manual converted, took care of some verification I needed for the trip to Coral Springs on Saturday.  Had a surprise visit from William F -- we talked of the Web site, and he brought me up to date with his application.  We discussed how these two could interface, if I go through with my plans for converting Collegeguidepost.com into a ebook.  I think there is a lot of possibility there.
Now it is very late.  Spent a lot of time today just reading and being around the house.  Tomorrow must include a trip to the bank and a follow-up with Web Full Circle.

Day 70 -- Is it Monday or a holiday?

A really strange day.  Took care of some business, prepared for mailing, then about mid-afternoon remembered that the Mail carriers were on holiday today.  Switched focus to the details of the Safe Driver Course when I got Anna's email.  She is designating me as the Instructor for the Hyde Park UMC course -- next one an all day on Jul 26.  Got the course materials ordered (by fax), chatted with Lee about getting the manual on PowerPoint, and believe I know how that is going to happen.  Just need to experiment a little with the movie sections.  As part of that, updated MS Office on the upstairs computer.  Talked to Betty Crislip -- about the pickles, and the SHARE FAQ. Good conversation.  Also checked in with Bill Bach -- offered some of the equipment we got for Margaret.  Ester is doing well -- just going to take time to heal -- and they have already been given assistive equipment.  Also had a chance to get Bill caught up from the brunch.  Larry (next door) had Chris come over to talk about the front yard.  Larry had promised to tell him I needed his help.  Came up with a plan -- now I need to talk to Christian to see if I can get him to help me -- it will be sequenced over several weeks.  If Christian can be available as he has been in the past, that will fit the plan just right. 
Nothing specific reminded me -- I just know that a permanent part of my being is missing Margaret.  In getting ready for the Sleep Study (tomorrow night) I had to give an emergency contact name.  First time that has happened.  I got accustomed to naming Lee and Marcia as beneficiaries;  when I got to that line on the form, I realized that is another one of those routine things that are now permanently changed.  I guess what makes these discoveries so hard is they all underscore there are no "do-overs" or "later".  The content is not the issue, it is the helplessness, regret, "if only", and "I shoulda, coulda, woulda" that rips through, unannounced and naked -- and it is only getting a tiny bit better as that becomes a more familiar occurrence.   Funny thing -- that syndrome can be unleashed if I just decide to read for recreation.  Strange.  I can only guess it all has to do with making unilateral decisions about what is best for me, and what I really want to do with the rest of my life.  And that reminds me that I always thought  Margaret and I would always be together -- never together alone.  That's hard to live out -- and I keep finding how poorly prepared I am.

Day 69 -- A very different Fourth

Started today with the Sunday routine.  Watched Sunday Morning and Christ Matthews.  Made wafles for the freezer. Finished up the update to the website, and then got notes out to Lee, Marcia and Debbie, asking them to check to be sure I covered everything that needed updating.
Most of the day was spend missing Margaret.  It seemed as if I could not do anything without bumping into a reminder that what we used to do is not going to happen -- and I missed her.  Tight throat, tears, depression, feeling useless, wanting to know that I had something to do that meant something and involved others -- the whole range of feeling just seemed to be on an endless loop.

A good thing -- I asked and got a picture of Jarrod in his new glasses.  He really looks great! 
By the time the Fourth celebrations on TV came around, my mood was rather somber.  Did gain some information from the programs about how the fireworks are made and programmed.  The actual celebrations -- in DC, New York, and Boston -- all seemed to be much sound and smoke.  Didn't find much inspiration, nor much to lift me from my funk.  Could hear the piccolo solo in the Boston Pops rendention of the "Stars and Stripes"!  At least the hearing aids are working correctly.
My night sweats seem to be getting worse -- and the sleep study is Tuesday evening.  Maybe there is hope that a fix can be found.  Maybe tomorrow I'll be done with my funk.  Tonight, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed.

Day 68 -- The best laid plans...

Just as I was finishing my eggs, sausage and biscuits with coffee, I was getting organized for the day when the phone rang.  A mother in Lakeland who had tried to see Margaret was calling to get services for her son who is a senior.  She asked about the website, and related she had been up there, but could not tell whether there was still a Guide available for her son.
Well, that changed the plans for the day.  I gave the mother Debbie's phone number and assured her that the website would continue to be available to her.  Got a quick email off to Debbie and sat down -- for most of the rest of the day -- at the computer and the website.
Did a lot of editing of the "public pages" to reflect the fact that Margaret is no longer available, indicated she is the author of the content on the site, and included some of the emails and other publicity about Margaret's death.  Of course to do that, I had to review that material -- haven't really looked at it for a while.  Found out that it still had the very profound impact on me as I relived some of the sadness, loss, and pain that came from the words of others extolling Margaret's deep caring and love for her students.  Could only think of the times I had just taken that caring and love for granted, and even now, realize I only have that in memory that can never be refreshed. 
Debbie did respond to the referral, and again offered to be of any help that she can on the website.  Tomorrow, I plan to update the testing dates and then email Lee, Marcia and Debbie to look over the changes and give me some feedback about appropriateness, taste and anything left out.  I think my editing skill got very overwhelmed by some of the content.  Still have not heard from Web Full Circle -- maybe a response to me email requesting a backup copy will show up the first of next week.
Also while I was keeping a lot of pages open to work with the website, I think I messed up Lee's work on my backup system.  Maybe he'll be by sometime next week and can figure out what i did, and we an make it right. 
Did get some pickles to Betty and John.  Had hoped to spend some time with John to see how he is doing -- he looked awfully tired at Couples Club.  I got in a time bind, and could only drop the pickles off at the front desk.  Will put them on the agenda for next week, along with Shirley and Bob.

Day 67 -- A day much slower

After spending the two days consumed with getting the Couples Club meeting ready and with the success of the evening, today was a slow day -- take care of one or two pending details, resting, then another detail.  The house is not back in order -- but that has been true for the last 6 months. 
I cannot say enough about how proud and impressed I am with Jarrod.  Yes, he is my grandson, and I am very biased.  The response of the members of the Couples Club, the compliments they had for him -- during the entire evening -- watching his function as a maturing young man, confirmed the accuracy of my observations.  Jarrod is awesome!  And he is way ahead of his age in his gracious acceptance of the notice from adults -- and his own personal commitment to getting his job done!  He was so gracious to leave me 1/2 of the pizza he made.  He pronounced it good -- I agree, and add that it is a league to compete with Ceasar"s.
I didn't write last night.  Lee got my back up disk hooked up to the network, and after they left, it was still doing its thing; I was tired after a very full and fulfilling day, so I decided to just log the two days togther.
I know the problem with the decisions is that there tends to be more summary -- and therefore less words.  Come to think of it, it's probably better that way -- and does reinforce my resolve to get more accurate and less wordy.
I am frequently asked how I doing.  My answer is some version of "I think very well".  It has been long enough, and I am beginning to understand Mc's statement about having difficulty with the daily details.  There were so many things about the Couples Club meeting that I wanted to turn to Margaret and comment on something that was said or done -- something that was appreciated or discovered.  I was really longing to know how she thought I did with the tables, the menu, the serving, the game:  so many details that was part of our treasuring our participation in the group and part of that very private sharing that was ours alone.  It is like there is just this big void that my own enjoyment or opinion or viewpoint -- told to myself -- that can't be filled.  It is as if there is still some energy from the grieving process that makes that void seem less noticeable most of the time.  This blog does help cover the void -- and as I write, I am acutely aware that this is now a public document.  It works partially -- but only to cover, not heal or eliminate the void.  I am learning is a void that is now a part of my life, and my only choice is to figure out how to live with it.  My struggle right now is trying to find something other than doing nothing when that void makes itself known.  For me, that's the hardest part.