Day 87 -- A lively house!

Christian, Jamie, Allie, Bella and Spike visited today -- what a marvelous difference from previous days.  Allie was her most charmin' self, showing off her ability to not only get around (still crawling, but not for long), but to move pretty quickly.  There was motion and activity -- inside and outside -- all day:  what a great experience!  In the midst of all this, I had opportunity to have good conversations with Jamie and Christian.  We had Chinese for lunch, made plans for outside projects (is was way too hot and humid today), got caught up on everything since the last time there were here, looked at pictures and Google maps of their soon to be house (rented), and thoroughly enjoyed each others company.  At least I did.  I really think Jamie and Christian did also.
I didn't sleep well last night -- had about a 1 1/2 hour break during the night.  I really believe that I am really dreading apnea episodes, and either go to bed later and later or come awake and do not want to go back to sleep.  Thankfully, Dr. W's office called yesterday and I asked them to expedite the order to the company that will be delivering the machine and instructions.
After the kids left, I had to make myself stay awake -- the temptation was very much to put on a movie and just sleep in front of it.  I did put on one of the Netflix streaming movies and had to wake myself up from brief naps.  Got back to work on the DSP manual.  Had to do a little research, but finally found a countdown timer I can embed in the presentation for breaks and lunch.  Thankfully, after locating them, the download was simple.  Now I have to get them embedded.  That is going to be a project for tomorrow.  It's before 10:30 and I'm going to see what happens if I go to bed right now.

Day 86 -- Generational future finding

It has been floating around in my head for some time now.  Mc got me started when he told me that when my sister died, "the curtain dropped on [my] future".  He said that in the context of telling me that after a year, he could handle the big things, it was the day-to-day he just couldn't handle.  (His call was to tell me he was getting remarried). 
I realized that most of the personal work I am doing now is like that -- trying to build a future without benefit of a life partner.  Sure, I have 75 years of experience to draw on -- albeit mostly involving a significant other -- mother, sister, maid, brother, brother-in-law....  What I don't have -- except in very limited ways -- is experience standing on my own and handling the day-by-day issues of living.  Yes, I can create or join groups or activities where others are involved: it's not the same.
Then, in a long conversation with Lee today, I realized that now in his mid-forties, he is facing the task of building his future -- and that future has with him his wife and two minor sons.  He has a lot of experience to draw on -- and he has to make the definition that will work for him.  He has spent so much of his life being concerned with what others think and trying to emulate what he thinks others want him to be.  As we talked I celebrated the possibility that he can tune into his wide-ranging experience and knowledge and create a future using all of those things as an expression of himself.  I assured him that if he would stand up for the guy I know (behind all those demands to be what others perceive), not only will he craft an important and fulfilling future, those who depend on him will gladly and enthusiastic follow.
Then I thought of Christian, who is struggling with his future and the seeming polarity of what produces financial security and what he really wants to do.  I am afraid that, like his father, he is overlooking -- right now -- that strong, creative, skilled and intelligent being he is that has the ability to strike a balance between the demands of others and his own growing sense of worth.
As I sat back down at the computer to write this (I have been on the computer all day with DSP), and looked at Joshua's story, two things really struck me.  First, Jarrod completed his advanced Mindstorm camp today -- his father was there to celebrate the closing competition -- and showed so many signs of getting himself together to take himself appropriately into the future.  He has the advantage of still being in the place that anything is not only possible, there is a lot of probable in there.
Second, in the blog (joshuagandy.blogspot.com) Lee relates one of those golden moments for a parent -- particularly a cancer parent.  Josh asked why there was a picture of him on the dash of the car.  Lee replied "to remind me of what is most important".  After a few thoughtful moments, Josh asked "...'Do you think I will beat cancer?' My [Lee's] throat tightened up as I responded 'I have no doubt.' Joshua said, 'If I can stand up to my big brother then I am strong enough to beat cancer.' 'Yes',I said, 'you definitely are strong enough.' Such is the profound wisdom of an eight year old cancer survivor."
The future is in good hands for all generations.

Day 85 -- nightmares do happen

Well, it's Thursday, and I haven't heard from the AARP fulfillment center.  So, I called -- and sure enough, they could not find me in the system.  That meant no supplies have been shipped for my class on Monday.  I left a message for Anna -- in hopes she had enough left-over supplies.  The person at the fulfillment center said they were not doing rush orders -- but that didn't matter because I was not in the new system.  Anna called back a little later, and had everything needed.  She gave me the important hint -- do the ordering by phone so if there is any problem, it can be worked out.
After getting me new transmitters (hearing aids), I stopped by Dr. W's office to see if the sleep study report had come in.  They took my number, said they would call me when it comes in.  Haven't heard by this evening, so I'm reasonably sure I won't see by CPAP equipment until next week.
Jamie did call -- and they will be over on Saturday.  Hope it will be a little cooler so we can get some things done in the yard.  Finally got a call back from Massey Services, and the supervisor will be by next Tuesday, so I am  putting off adding dirt to the spots in the front yard,  I want Mr. Lyerly to see what has happened on their watch.
Spent most of the day working on the DSP manual.  It is not going as fast as I had hoped, but it sure is good preparation for Monday!  Did get the video clips in -- they really worked well! Just have to be sure they transferred over -- so the program will play on any computer!
Nothing scheduled for tomorrow -- so maybe I can get all 8 units "in the can".

Day 84 -- a good day

Got to the POD early -- had a chance to check with Susan about the POM claim notification, and then had a good, long talk with Mike T., Bob H., and Steve S.  Things at HRB are still up in the air.  Mike thinks there will be some evident stability showing in 30 - 60 days.  That just happens to be a pretty stock answer for Mike -- it has occasional accuracy.  Steve's wife is showing more signs of disease progression (she has Alzheimer's).  We finished the class -- during the practice time, I spent most of the time networking and coaching, after I finished the first class exercise.  Also found out today several of us in that class are taking the next two classes meeting on Wed am for the next 4 weeks.  We're all just getting in our CE hours, and the Wed morning classes just fit our schedules.
Came home and after lunch, took the course exam and passed -- even though my Windows has a bit of trouble with the online exam. 
I am noticing there seems to be a difference in how I'm looking at things.  I don't take things so seriously and and far less defensive.  Even giving myself less of a hard time when I just "chill out" instead of doing something I "should".  I guess it is because I have experienced such a great loss, everything else seem to shrink in importance.  Also I am finding that I have a lot more patience.  I don't obsess over a planned event or occasion like I used to.  Just acknowledge that I would like for something to happen more quickly and don't have to obsess over how it will turn out -- I am much more willing to wait and see (as if there is a choice.).

Day 83 -- After the second night at the Sleep Center

Got to the Sleep Center about 8:15.  I was ready before that -- stopped by Square 1 for buffalo sliders and sweet potato fries.  Really good!  Linda has everything laid out for me.  Got to sleep about 10:15 -- didn't really wake up till about 5 am.  It was a good night's sleep -- even with that "lip pillow" mask under my nose and all those wires connected to my body.  Thursday I will call Dr. W's office to get the prescription headed to Bay Care so they can get the machine to me early next week.  Based on the experience last night, I believe I have just started learning how much better and healthier I can feel.  We shall see!
Today was Josh's day to come over and swim.  Lee brought him and we had a good time.  Josh was on his way to tutoring, and we managed to work in a little baseball (well, whiffle ball technically) as well as a very nice swim.  It is so great that Lois (next door) insisted that the boys use the pool.  And of course, that thrilled the boys.
Lee and I got to talk briefly about where he is with all the unfinished business that has been swirling around his life and family since Josh was diagnosed.  I want so badly to help them -- and at the same time I don't want to make the way harder for them by making a decision or taking an action that they will have to live with.  This has been my struggle all of Lee's life:  I know that when he asks for my help -- even if it is to just listen --it will be a great experience watching him carefully and thoroughly examine all his options and make the right decision for him and his family.   He has been a long time getting here -- and is currently faced with the kind of issues that I wish I were powerful enough and/or smart enough to have kept from happening.  One this I am realizing more and more -- I need someone to take care of -- I don't think I want to find another life partner -- I just need to be needed.  Maybe what is going on with Lee and his family will provide me what I am looking for.
Tomorrow is another HRB class -- Sherry will finish the Amended Returns class.  I am really liking being back in class -- and the interchange.  Sure would be nice to know there the tax season is going.  Mike T. did a conference call -- good idea, and a good way to cover the double load that he now has to manage.  Maybe I'll get to tell him that tomorrow.

Day 81 -- After a rough night...

One more time (in the last three months) I slept for about 1 1/2 hours, then was wide awake.  Rather than toss and turn, I went to the great room, watched the end of a movie (Up) I had started earlier in the day -- trying out my new subscription to Netflix -- had a snack, and finally went back to bed about 4 am.  The alarm went off at 7 so I got up to start the day.
Checked in with the kids -- Jarrod has a great birthday.  Even though it was really hot, they managed to get around Epcot by going to an air conditioned place between any outside activities.  As I suspected, they did get home late, and did sleep in some this morning.
Spent most of the day getting the DSP manual into Powerpoint.  Had to start it over twice -- I forgot that MS Office is skittish and requires frequent saving. I have enough done that there is a rhythm that will make completion a lot simpler.
I mentioned Margaret's mantra last night.  When we were cleaning out some of her Mom's stuff, we found a prayer that she saved -- don't know if she copied it, or originated it.  It really fit her, and gives testimony to the example Margaret had for the way she lived her life.  The prayer was out of place for a while (at least as far as I knew).  The other day, I was looking over some stuff on Margaret's desk, and found it again.  I'm going to capture it here so it doesn't get lost again:

MY PRAYER
Our Father who art in heaven,

Walk beside me so that I may see ways and means
To be a little kinder to those who pass my way,
And make a special effort to brighten someone's day.

Never to weep because my talents are so few;
But search for ways to make the ones I have come through.

To hold my tongue and not to criticize;
There's more to know that meets the eyes.

To overlook some thoughtless word, and just pretend....
I never heard.

Never to forget though I may rush and run,
To smile and say "THANK YOU" for each kindness done.

To open my heart as I open my mind,
And overcome prejudices so that I may grow kind.

Not to ruin today by yesterday's sorrow;
And tomorrow's troubles....try not to borrow.

To keep my faith in goodness and what is right;
So when the day is ended, I can sleep at night.

God grant me the courage and the strength of heart;
to THINK as a CHRISTIAN and to LIVE the part.

Your humble servant,

I had hoped to scan this -- it was the original paper Sophie (Margaret's Mom) passed on.  More important, she walked this walk, and left us this challenge.

Day 80 -- a piddling day

The Sat. morn routine is headed by refilling my meds for the week.  When I ended up short, I realized I had not picked up medication.  Paniced that I had overlooked ordering, I made the trip to Publix as soon as I was ready to start the day.  Funny, I had ordered the meds I needed; the tech greeted me and went to the shelf to get the meds (she knows my name!), and sure enough, my system for ordering had worked -- I just didn't remember to pick they up.  While there, I picked up a few other perishables that I needed.
Got home, and just piddled for most of the day.  Thought of the kids (celebrating Jarrod's birthday at Epcot) and sent Jarrod a birthday greeting text.  Can't wait to see what robots he will build.  Might go out there tomorrow -- afternoon in case they sleep in.
The highlight of the day was a call from Danny.  He wanted me to know he had gotten my note.  I wanted to pick his brain about CPAP.  And, of course, I had some questions I wanted him to field.  Started by the news report about the significant increase in suicides in the military.  My questions to Danny has to do with the apparent overlooking the environment ofjust saying no and suicide being seen as a weakness was not a setting to do much therapeutic or compassionate care.  Good ol Danny -- he went immediately to one of my favorite issues -- Problem solving does not occur as long as there are dissimilar agendas.
Danny also gave me some great feedback on my writing.  He suggestions were gifts and cut right to the chase.  I also realized that if nothing else has happened on this journey, I am losing my need to prove my point, or describe any difference with my agenda.  I am liking so much more just hearing what others have to say, and the accepting what I can use and/or understand.  I know some of that comes from the necessity of no longer hearing very well, and a lot of it comes from remembering Margaret's mantra: "Ask for what you want; Accept what you get; and give a lot of Love."  She did that consistently in her life, and left a legacy of how affirming that was to anyone she met.  I've tried to live up to that all of our life together.  Now when I miss her so terribly, remembering her mantra is a momentary touch of her hand on me.  Not the same as the real thing -- it is a substitute I gladly seek.