It has been a while

I just finished watching the movie "Philadelphia”. Drawn to the movie by the reported outstanding performance for both Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington by wanted to see the movie for myself. Little did I realize that the movie would stir so many memories and regrets. I suppose that this is to be expected considering where I am with my own recovery with grief. I found myself asking and berating myself with why I didn't do so many things with and for Margaret that seem so appropriate in the movie. Margaret told me before we were married that my mother had told her she would have to take care of me to. I think I resented that at the time, and probably made it quite difficult for Margaret to do what she wanted to do in terms of taking care of me. She was magnificent and never let me forget that even in the toughest times we were together she was there --  supportive and caring and sometimes furious with me. I look back now and count with great sorrow  those times that I took her love and caring for granted. As I was washing shirts tonight and missed the timing on getting them out of the dryer-which means I will have to do some ironing-I thought about how I was having to learn timing that is  part of getting the laundry done–something I've always counted on  Margaret to do. I realized that just doing the laundry is a whole new constellation of behavior that I'm having to learn and that I have a superb model to follow.  I'm also very much aware that I did not spend a lot of time observing and participating in that model so that my learning would be different now.
Christian Jamie and Ally came by to sign tax papers and Christian give me a hand with the cabling to the television in the bedroom. After they left I really felt alone–and have come to realize that that's time when I rumbled through those memories that are painful and are of me being something other than what I wanted to be. During those times it is terribly hard to accept the fact that in the midst of all of that Margaret was there–loving me and encouraging meand proud of me: I never said thank you  and I love you enough. I was not a very outwardly grateful  guy–it seemed that I was compelled to stay within the shell as a universal defense against being hurt or left.
Now Margaret is gone–she did it her way! In those last days I refused to acknowledge that she was leaving and the only thing I know to do about that is to wallow in past regrets. I hope that when I read this draft  tomorrow, I will see Margaret shining through encouraging me to go on with the next adventure. Though difficult to let that light shine on me right now I know that whatever the adventure she's with me and that from this point forward it   is my challenge to care for me and make the adventure mine.

Day 153 -- 9/28/10 -- A sucessful trial

 The visit from Matt R. originally  scheduled for early morning, was delayed until  noon,  and it was very productive in getting me well informed of where all of the  investments are so that I can recognize them when reported. He also gave me a good alternative and revised strategy for handling Lee's  life insurance that the company has been carrying on him.
The great part of the day, and the successful trial, was a trip to Clearwater to spend the afternoon with Christian, Jamie,  Allie, Bella and Spike What made it  really great was that they all took me in as a part of the household, didn't try to do anything to entertain me or do something special–I just got to hang out. I took some steak and potatoes with me so that between the three of us we prepared a really great dinner together, and had great fun demonstrating the obvious need for a dining room table.

My intent on this trip was to test the drive back over the Causeway late in the evening. I was not quite ready to drive that far in the dark, so I left about seven, got home by 7:30–and even believed it safe enough that I took a few quick pictures with my iPhone of the gorgeous  sky that we had today.  Made the trip safely, and after getting into comfortable clothes, called Jamie to tell her I was home, and also pass on a suggestion if she should be talking to her brother-in-law again soon.  The trip -- both ways -- was uneventful, the food superb, the company exquisite, and the trial more than successful.   Maybe the next time I go over,  I will push the time line a bit, and see what it is like with oncoming headlights.  But then, maybe not.

It was a good day!  This morning, I was sending a Thank You and some Sympathy Cards.  In the process, I ran across the birthday card that Margaret had chosen (to recycle) for me -- one of our traditions.  I really lost it for a few moments, recovered, and continued on the task at hand.  Didn't read all of the card, though.  I know where it is, and maybe I'll be able to read it another day.  It was a good reminder that in the midst of all the busyness I am doing right now, my main task continues, and I will always have brief reminders that I am alone -- that particular kind of alone that always carries a reminder of something I treasured about Margaret.  I am convinced that my only choice is to learn to live with that aloneness, no matter what I do or where I go, or what I see.  The best news is that is not the end of the story -- just a sign post.

Day 151 -- 9/26/10 -- Wow 9 days

It is hard to believe that it has been nine days since I last posted. It seems like only yesterday I was writing about the new television. I guess the passing time is indicative of where I am in my process, and that I am recognizing  something of a pattern, and the days just seem to be filling themselves up–no such thing as just one item scheduled per day.
Just for this week, Sunday I had Brighthouse  here to replace a faulty cable that had been installed originally, and then got the new set correctly set on the wall and checked to be sure that everything was operating correctly. Monday, Nancy's day, was spent taking care of bills  including getting a number of phone calls made that were necessary for family business. Then Tuesday, I did  a  second session of the Driver Safety Program for Anna–which was in Carrollwood, in an apartment complex I was not familiar with. The person that did the first session of the course  left the paperwork for me to do.   Wednesday I started the day with the second half of the rental course for H&R Block, left there early to go to St. Petersburg for AARP retraining. That was convenient because I could give Anna her copies of the paperwork from the previous day. Thursday I chose to check with Hyde Park to ensure that everything was in place for the course on Monday. Did find out that we need to revise the publicity for these courses and change the contact number that they have.
Probably the highlight of the week was spending that evening with John and Betty. We had a great meal, but more importantly we had such great conversation. Spending time with them is always a guarantee that the conversation will be interesting and the topics will be challenging. Had a new experience that evening, I drove home in the dark! The route was familiar and I found myself doing much better than I expected–since I have been avoiding driving at night for the last five months.
Friday I was not sure whether Jared would come and visit–he didn't. I did have much on the agenda to take care of for the Driver Safety Program on Monday, not the least of which was to call all the participants and remind them to be sure and bring their lunch, AARP card and drivers license. I have 20 people signed up for Monday. That will be my largest class so far -- four  participants are also members of the CouplesClub.  I think it's going to be a really fun day.
Saturday was SHARE day. Got to the church about nine o'clock after stopping by the tire place and  arranged to get new tires put on the car later in the day. After getting all the  groceries distributed, I headed to Apollo Beach to spend the day with Lee's family which grew during the day. Christian and Brandon came in, playmates were in and out, and with the arrival of Christian and Brandon the dog population grew by three. The funniest thing was watching Brandon's German shepherd getting spooked by the turtle. Allie and Jamie arrived about midafternoon after indicating concern that perhaps Allie might have chickenpox. It was absolutely amazing to see how everyone immediately raised the issue of whether that virus would be a danger to Josh because of his compromised immune system.  The whole planned afternoon that would've involved Renée's brother's 40th birthday was quickly re-shifted to protect Josh. I was amazed at how easily Jamie handled that situation considering it was her child who might have the chickenpox. Allie  was her cute most charming self–looking around in great wonder at  the antics of all the adults. She seemed to be having a great time.
As the party broke up I came back to Tampa, got new tires for the car, picked up some things needed for my CPAP at Walgreens and finally came home. It was a long day–a long week– I was very busy–and it was fun.
I'm continuously  asked how I am doing in this process. I think I am doing well–it's just that there are so many very small but very frequent reminders of how often I would turn to Margaret to tell her some little tidbit of discovery, or gett validation for an idea, thought, question. And that really does not include finding out how much I depended on her being in the car with me for my own comfort when I drove. Samantha is very helpful in giving me directions but she is not ever going to take the place of Margaret's presence in the car.
The week coming up may be as busy–starting with today when I firmed up the partnership with Blaine for getting the website up and running and marketed. Tomorrow is the big day at Hyde Park church, and on Wednesday Matt R. is coming to try to get all of the Valic business straightened out for me.  I am hopeful that I can take steak and potatoes to Christian and Jamie's house in the late afternoon and we'll have a delightful dinner with Christian as the Grillmaster.
Still not really sure what the delay in writing in this log has been. I hope it is indicative that my routine is settling down. I find myself judging that while a lot of things happened during the day they did not seem to urge me toward writing.  It is soon coming up to six months, so maybe I will change the address of the blog, re-address some of the issues and perhaps take a bit different tack.  If anyone is reading this -- stay tuned!

Day 143 -- 9/18/10 -- What a Day....What a rare mood...

I finally decided that today was when I would break down and get an  HDTV.   I had made arrangements with Dennis  (across the street) to help by going to Sam's to pick up the television with his truck, had arranged for Christian, Jamie, and Allie to come over  and help get it installed. I had really intended that this would be our anniversary present, but did not own up to that until today. The day started early because I wanted to be sure that Sam's had a television in stock–and I went to the store about 8:30 to ensure that. Stopped at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, and soon after getting home Christian alerted me to the fact they were on their way.
It was great fun having the time to simply visit with Christian and Jamie and enjoy  Allie's antics.   It hasn't been that long since I was at their house, but Allie seems to have caught on  to constant moving at high speed. The last time she was here she crawled up the steps from the big room to the kitchen. Today she walked up the steps–albeit on hands and feet, but she put her foot on each step and stood up. We were enjoying this time together as we waited for Dennis (who works the night shift) to be up, so Christian and I quickly ran out and got Alabama barbecue and after just a quick snack found out that Dennis was ready to go.
The rest of the day was spent gloriously–as far as I'm concerned–getting the big television up on the wall, watching Allie  go full blast and then take a nap,  Jamie and I took a brief sojourn in looking at some of grandma's jewelry, and rearranging the big room to change the focus for the new TV.
So by the time the kids left, I knew that I had had a full day. It was hard to say goodbye to the kids, and I realized that part of that difficulty was my own strange sense of sadness that came over me much like a dark cloud. Maybe it had to do with rummaging in some of Margaret's jewelry, maybe it had to do with Jamie's tender assurance that she would welcome  having any of the grandma's things, maybe because I made a major purchase, maybe because I would be alone celebrating our anniversary, maybe Marcia asked me to edit something for  her. Whatever it is, I am experiencing a bittersweet sense of maybe how weeks will be from now on. As the six-day lapse  illustrates, this has been a very busy week. Perhaps I wants rushing a bit in making the plans for today and at the same time it just seemed right. 
What made the day so special was that I asked for help that I needed just for me, it was gladly offered and given because I asked--  not because I was grieving (although that may be too fine a distinction), but having the kids here all day, letting them show care and concern for me, accepting that care and concern without qualification was for me eye opening. I think the challenge of today for me is to make sense of  this week as part of the building of my new future. Not far enough along with this right now to know where it might be going, but it is still one hell of a great ride.   I am very thankful and deeply touched by the caring of both  kids this week,  my grandsons (all of them), and the sweet innocence and great smile of my great-granddaughter.  Maybe I am seeing what is really happening -- and have turned off the pity sensors.  If that is really true, I like the difference.
     

Day 142 -- 9/17/10 -- Has it really been 6 days?

A lot has been going on and I have a hard time believing six days have passed since I last wrote.  They have been days filled with a lot of doing some familiar things, and experiencing the reality that while the actions, or people, or events are familiar -- they are very different.  I have changed.  At those familiar happenings, I was always part of a pair -- a team.  That's no longer the case, even though I feel Margaret's spirit with me, I am still learning to do what has been familiar from a very different perspective.  Talking to a friend today, she  said that it is like missing a tooth -- you know it's gone, and your are feeling better after it was taken, but the little, subtle reminders that happen every time your tongue moves in your mouth, you are reminded that it's gone.  The analogy holds out pretty well to be so simple.  I guess that is part of what the grieving experience is about -- learning to continue to experience and be comfortable with the presence of Margaret's spirit and learning to accept all the reminders (most of them little tiny flecks that you just can't quite get your finger on to pick up) that she is physically gone -- the hard part is getting OK with that acceptance.
What I am learning is that the more I practice, the more I get outside myself, the more I realize the great treasure I have in that storehouse of family and friends who join me in the quest for us to explore how we can use that background to establish an ongoing and exciting trip to today and the future.
I've been doing a lot of trying to find words and concepts to verbalize what is going on at the core of my being.  I am discovering that is a good exercise, and that I would do myself a lot of good by just accepting the internal struggle as a part of my new being and get out an walk more while the internal struggle is going on -- then my inner and outer body will get exercise! I think I am in for experiencing another dimension of what I have known up to now about the loving self -- loving others diad.  More to come -- hopefully a little more regularly!

Day 136 -- 9/11/10 -- Today was Allie's Birthday party

At first  blush one could believe that a one year old's birthday party would not be occasion for gathering a large group of adults. and might even be possible to conceive that it would not be the best place in the world for someone that was struggling with  grief and forming new relationships. For me the party was an absolute smash. It was so much fun watching Christian and Jamie having a party for their friends and there were a lot of people there. A majority of the crowd was family; there seemed to be an overabundance of little people running around and it was pretty evident that there was no limit on the number of guests based on the age of the celebrant.  It was not only refreshing but for me invigorating and restorative to be in the midst of a group that was carrying so much for the little ones while also caring for each other. It was a real privilege to be there. I also was quite pleased that if I indicated a desire or willingness to chat, their response was always very positive. If I chose to quietly watch the football game, that was accepted and generally people just joined me in watching. There was no such thing as being alone.  With three dogs, and a large group of people -- ranging in age from 1 to 75, there was always something happening just about anywhere on the property. That made it so easy to move in and out of groups or just watch.
Last night before going to bed I had read some of the e-mails that are on the blog on the pages to the right, and one of those e-mails was from Scott and Alycia.  Alycia was there today with her two children and I had a chance to tell her how touched I was by what they wrote.  Her response was as if she had been wanting to ask I was doing but was afraid to  because it might be painful for me. We had a good conversation and it resulted in us exchanging phone numbers and her invitation for us to have lunch or just come hang out at their house any time I wanted to.
I also had opportunity to check with Christian concerning the projects that we had started and I had left unfinished; to chat with Lee about a change in strategy for his birthday;  Ed and I exchanged pleasantries and biases about politics and football; and I spent most of the time watching Allie as she was the delight of so many people, and as her mother worked hard to get her to open presents. I was most complemented by Allie's not wanting to put down the  “cell phone” that I had picked up for her when Jamie and I went to Wal-Mart.
The food was good, the cake was great, Allie  was her most  charming self, the interaction and fellowship was incredibly restorative, and I came away feeling that I had rejoined life.  Another first was that I for the first time ever, I watched a Florida game without Margaret, and that did not dawn on me until after I had gotten home and was watching the Alabama game.
It was a very good day. 

Day 133 -- 9/8/10 -- my impatience

Many of the conversations I have had in the last two days have been orchestrated by my impatience that this process is seeming to take so long. I had a good sleep last night, and recognize that I prepared myself for it much better than I have on previous evenings. Today was a good day with many very positive things happening, and some indicators that plans laid several months ago are coming to fruition.
For me the most significant part of today has been looking at my stated impatience to see what it's all about. I have seen many people and walked with them through grief and during my own process have realized that I was only seeing the teeniest top of the iceberg in the past. I knew that there would not be a blinding flash that would follow  a pattern, but probably more be hills and valleys,  highs and lows in a seemingly random pattern that could could not be anticipated.
I believe what has dictated the most thought is the two meetings I have tomorrow: both of them are indirectly related to Margaret and our work together. Both of them mean moving on, and I sense a certain amount of fear of loss hovering around. I know that this destination that I am so impatient about involves acceptance of the reality that Margaret is not with me physically, and that any future is of my design. What I have not anticipated nor really seen in the past is that in order to reach that acceptance, it includes the full acceptance at a non-intellectual level that I have to live in a real world and while I maintain and remain owner of my memories I have to accept the reality that they are only that.No matter how often I visit there I will not change the reality of today. I had no idea that this would be such a difficult task nor that it is such a total being issue.
With this realization I'm going to give myself some structure that will perhaps help. I realized today that I need an almost hour by hour schedule to follow, and I need to establish some do-able goals that are more than just getting through the day.  I have been “cheating” by using the schedule–such as meeting with other people or volunteering for something– to avoid setting my own priority and direction. I guess what that means is acceptance is what I do about of me as a whole person who needs contact with other people but does not appropriately expect anyone else to organize my life. (while I am dictating this, I am also aware of the struggle to find words to express what I rarely say)
About five days ago, Harriet P. called, said she had a magazine article from England that mentions Margaret, and wanted to talk to me about a couple of other things. I have really had a hard time returning that call and I figured out tonight that I am anticipating that it's going to be a struggle and it's going to be hard for me to accept the possibility that Harriet may move on and I will not have much contact with her–since most of the contract was around Margaret. I think I am just afraid of moving on, and that has given me a "reason"to delay returning the call.   I know I am afraid of the uncertainty bat is around that call. If I am true to my resolve to give structure that can provide some comfort, then that call is on the agenda for as early tomorrow was possible.  I also hope scheduling is going to have a significant impact on meals and portion control and diet. My friend who is helping me with the website that I will meet in the morning is going to bring me the structure of a diet he used and lost 50 pounds. That may be a useful structure for me to include in my scheduling. We shall see.